Dear Kaci,

Another month has come and gone and you are one month older. I just wish that I could slow down time. I try my best to savor every moment...to just take in every single new thing you do...but gosh you do so many new things lately its so hard to keep track. Your new favorite word is Bubble. And oh my gosh it sounds so sweet when you say it. I am gonna try to get you on video saying it but you just don't want to sit still for the camera anymore. You used to just pose and do everything for the camera and now most of my videos are chasing you around. I love every second of it though. You are so crazy lately. You love jumping on my bed and today to jumped right off of it and landed on your knees and thought it was hilarious. Mimi and I about had a heart attack but you are just so active lately most of it doesn't phase you. You are so full of life lately. The age you are at is simply wonderful. Its not the easiest but I am enjoying every second. We had your picture done with Santa the other day...or let me say that we tried to get a good pic of you with Santa the other day but you weren't having none of it. It was actually quite comical looking back on it now. At the time of course I was mortified because our lovely mall echoes so was you were screaming "MOMMY and MIMI" and screaming at the top of your lungs like someone was beating you everyone in the mall got a great show too. Of course most of them had had children your age at one point or another or understand that at your age you're just learning about new things and Santa and strangers aren't on your list of favorites right now I guess. I think next year will be better but if its not then we will survive. We will just get another picture of your crying and send it out on our Christmas card just like we did this year. Even things like that...I wanna remember. Moments like that might be some of my favorites. You are so sassy and divalicious lately. It makes mommys skin crawl a little bit sometimes but deep down I love every second of it. You recently learned what a hug is. And boy you sure do love passing them around. If you hug me you have to go into the next room and hug mimi and daddy too. Sometimes you even throw in a hug to your stuffed animals. You are becoming so loving lately and I am eating that up because from what I have heard this doesn't last long. One day you will be a teenager and you will think I am the enemy. You will think I am only out to make your life suck but it's all out of love and one day you will know that. But until the day when you write in your diary about how mean and unfair I am I will savor each and every second of your loving. I was watching a show tonight about a boy who has a very rare skin disease that makes his skin come off if he plays or does any sort of activity...it broke my heart. I sat and watched it holding you in my arms and I just cried and thanked God for blessing me. We have had some bumps along the road as far as health with you but by the grave of God you were healed. The lord touched you my baby...he sent you down from heaven to show me what true love is but also what real pain is. Before you I had no clue how much hurt one human could stand...having to watch you suffer for the first month of your life...was more pain than I ever want to feel ever again. But, I am grateful that God picked us to be the family that had to go through it. I feel like I appreciate you more...I feel like I know now how quickly something or someone you love more than anything in the world can be taken away from you...and I know how close I came to losing you and I never EVER want to feel that again. I just love you so much Kaci. I know that I talk about your surgery a lot and what you went through but I just don't want you to ever forget how special you are...and that you are a true miracle. I never ever want you to forget that. Not only are you a miracle in the eyes of doctors but in my eyes and everyone elses you come into contact with. I feel so incredibly blessed be your mommy. Heck, I feel blessed to have even met you but to be your mommy is a feeling I could never explain in a million years. I am so lucky. You are such a blessing and I am so proud of you. Thank you for being my precious angel. I love you so much.

Mommy

It's that time of year...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I felt compelled to write down the things that I am thankful for because, lets face it, I have a lot to be thankful for and I want to give credit where credit is due.

I am so thankful for my daughter...She is 18 months old but gives me so much joy. When I see her face everyday I know that its going to be okay no matter how bad some things get. She is absolute perfection. She came into my life and has been making each and everyday brighter since then. I am so thankful for her health and her growth. I am thankful for her every single day and my life is so much better with her in it. Every second of everyday I am thankful for her. Through the temper tantrums to the being sweet and loving she is my rock. My source of strength when I am weak. My sunshine in the rain. She saved me in more ways than one and I am forever grateful for her. Who knows where my life would be without her...but I don't want to know because life without her is a dark place that I NEVER want to be again. I love you Kaci Jade !

I am so thankful for my husband. I don't know where I would be without him. We have had some rough time and some good times but through it all I don't want anyone else but him. I am so thankful that he has a job to go to and works hard for me and my daughter everyday. I am so thankful to have such a GOOD man...not one that is going to cheat on me or treat me bad. I see all these girls out here with LOSERS like that and I am just so thankful to have found that one in a million man. He is amazing and I love him so much !

I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for her health and the fact that she doesn't need the transplant just yet but I am also thankful that when she does need it she is pretty much guaranteed to get it. I don't know what I would do on a daily basis without her. She helps me so much and I love her so much for it. She is my best friend and Kaci LOVES her MiMi so much.

I am thankful for family. It may be dysfunctional at times but I do love my family. They are crazy and out of this world but I have such a blast with them and am so thankful to call them mine.

I am thankful to have a best friend. I may not have many friends...actually I have a lot of acquaintances but I can tell you one thing...I have at least 1 friend. My Chloe bear...she has been there for me through so much and never turned her back on me. She never judges me and always knows just what to say to make things better. We have had ups and downs but at the end of the day I and so thankful to have her in my life and I never EVER want to experience like without her again.

And last but not least I am so thankful for God. He helps me make it through each day. He gives me strength and has helped me learn patience and has pushed me when all I wanted to do was give up. I am so thankful that he is forgiving of all of us for our sins and wrongdoings. He is an AWESOME God and doesn't get the credit that he deserves from some but I know that he is the reason that I am the person I am today. He showed me through Kaci and Brandon that I needed to get my act together and grow up. I am so thankful that he showed me exactly where my life would be if I had stayed on the partying and stupid path I was on...I was going nowhere because that is exactly where that leads. And I will forever be grateful for his undying love.

-ME

50 free Christmas Cards? I think so !!!!!

I am so excited right now !! Shutterfly is offering 50 free holiday cards to blog holders !!! How exciting is this?? Seriously that is a FABULOUS offer and would be so nice to have because, well...we have never sent out a family Christmas card. This would give us a chance to send on out as well as show off Shutterflys amazingly wonderful cards !! I recently ordered my moms Christmas present from Kaci off of the Shutterfly website !! Without going into to much detail because I don't want mom to know what it is, its something so special that she can have forever of her and Kaci. Its so special to me to be able to do something like that for my mom !

I am having some issues deciding on which holiday card to pick out. My blogger is not letting me post pictures right now for some unknown reason but you can find a list of the Christmas photo cards right HERE. I really like the "Oh joy joy" one I am really thinking that is the one but just not sure. There are also so many more to choose from right HERE. From that page I really like the "Starlight joy" one its just too cute and would be perfect with Kaci's face on it!!

I have also been thinking of ordering a 2011 calendar with Kaci's pictures in it. And shutterfly has such an amazing selection !! You can find their selection here.

I am just so thankful to shutterfly for this amazing offer and I wanted to share with all my mommy bloggers out there and let you guys share in this AWESOME deal !!! ENJOY !!

I've watched you...

Kaci Jade...I have sat back this short 18 months and just watched you. I have watched in amazement at the things you do and learn each day. I have watched you learn to say new words like "Mama", "Dada, "MiMi", "Cat", "Dog, and your personal favorite "No". You say so much I can't keep track of it all. I have watched you learn to crawl when I expected you to never do it. I thought you would never crawl but you surprised us all by taking off overnight without little practice. I have watched you learn to walk...literally you took off like you had been doing it for years. I have watched you go from sleeping in the bed with mommy and daddy and sometimes MiMi to sleeping in your big girl bed...Of course you didn't want a crib you wanted an actual toddler bed. My big big girl. I have watched you go through your very first Christmas. You were so good when you had your picture taken with Santa. You weren't scared at all. I have watched you learn to dance...and you haven't stopped since. I have watched you learn to sit up on your own...and boy did you love doing that. You used to love sitting in your bumbo seat (when you could fit in it...your butt got big fast so that didn't last as long as you wanted it to) and watch tv. I watched you learn to eat baby food. Your favorite was sweet potatoes but you also loved squash and bananas. I have watched you learn to roll over for the first time when,like everything else you did, I thought you weren't going to do and all of the sudden you decided to do it. I have watched you laugh for the first time...and from that moment up until now that moment was in close line with the first time you said "Mama" for my favorite moment ever. Your laugh and your voice are the sweetest sounds I have ever heard.

I have watched you suffer...something a parent should never have to see their child go through. The moment I found out that something was wrong and you would need surgery...my heart sank. I have never in my life felt so much heartache than in the day I found out and the days and weeks thereafter that I had to leave you in the NICU and didn't get to take you home. Leaving the hospital without your child...is the worst feeling in the entire world. Hearing the doctors tell you that they just don't know if you will make it until they actually do the surgery because your bowel could be to far gone for them to save...was WAY to much to bear. Then...I watched you shock the doctors one by one. They were sure that you were going to lose some if not all of your intestines. And to their amazement my little angel...you lost ZERO ! Your bowel was perfect! I'll never forget the doctor looking at me and saying that this was a miracle. He said it was just amazing that you had lost none. He does that surgery alot and she said that most children lose at least a little but not you...my baby you are a miracle. I have watched you make this world a much better place to be in. You bring so much joy and life into this sometimes ugly place and you just make each day brighter with your beautiful smile. You can brighten even the worst of days. Kaci I don't know what provoked me to write this but I guess I just wanted you to know how much I love you. I want you to look back on this and know that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you so much Kaci...always and forever !

Reminded...

I love my husband. Lately I have been looking at him in a different light. I'm not going to be one to sit here and lie to you...my marriage has not been easy. We found out I was pregnant 3 weeks after our wedding. It was a definite shocker, a good shocker but also put a strain on our relationship. All of the sudden we weren't newlyweds...we were soon to be parents. It was like a complete 180 in our relationship as well. We were so excited to be parents but at the same time I think we were focused so much on our little bundle of joy we lost sight of US. And the means a lot. Kaci is the best thing to ever happen to us. But, we focus so much of our attention on her that we don't focus on our marriage at all and so sometimes we have to take a step back and have some us time. But back to my original topic. I have looked at him so differently lately. We were having some issues. I am not going to blaze mine and my husbands issues on here but I will say that words were thrown out about separation. Not something I ever wanted to do but when you feel like you have had the same argument over and over again it almost feels like you have to do something to show him that I am serious. But, these past few days I have gotten a look at some women that I know...and their men. And I even had a certain guy try to be sweet and loving towards me and try to sweet talk me...and honestly...I wasn't having it. I looked around at these girls I know and their boyfriends or husbands and I just feel lucky. No, he isn't perfect...but I am so blessed. I looked at the person trying to steal me from my husband and I knew that I was never ever going to leave Brandon because I don't want anyone else. From the moment I saw Brandon I was in love...ask anyone because its the truth. His smile, his eyes, his clumsiness, his laugh, his kisses...I love it all...When he comes up behind me and turns me around and just wraps his arms around me and hugs me so tight like he doesn't wanna let go...those moments make me realize how lucky I am. I have a man that goes out everyday and works SO hard for me and my daughter. To provide for us. 15 hour days sometimes...and doesn't complain about it. He loves us that much. I will admit I haven't been very appreciative of him...and it's just not right. He deserves so much more appreciation than I have given him. No, he isn't the most romantic man on the planet and he sometimes has issues showing emotions...but he is mine. I don't ever want to imagine life without him...not even for a second. He is my one and only. I don't care if you put the most gorgeous man on the planet in front of me I would want Brandon. I always have and always will...I just lost sight of it. I focused more on friendships with people who weren't even my friends than I did my marriage...and thats just not right. But, I know now what needs to be done. We have rediscovered our love for each other lately...it feels like it did when we first started dating...3 years ago. I just can't stop staring at him...how I ever thought I could be without him is beyond me...he is so amazing. I am sure we will have our disagreements still because no marriage is perfect but I know I have a good man. He doesn't cheat on me and NEVER will. He works hard for me and my daughter. He is such an amazing father...I fall in love with him all over again when I see him with Kaci...And he loves me. No matter whether he shows it all the time...he is in love with me. And I needed to be reminded of that. I love him so much...

You're gonna miss this...

These words ring over and over in my head when I get frustrated with my life. I love being a wife and mother but I am not jolly 100% of the time. Its hard work. No matter what anyone says being a mother in itself is a JOB but adding on household wife duties is just as much of a job as going and working somewhere. Sometimes I even find myself saying I would rather be at an office. But, then I look around and I see my baby girl becoming this little independent person right in front of my eyes...and it hits me. You're gonna miss this. The moments where she is so tired she is screaming her head off in the car on the way home because she just wants to go to sleep...I'll miss it. When she slaps me in the face or on the hand and tells me no...oh yes I will miss it. When my baby is no longer my baby I will look back at those hard times and beg for just a few more seconds of them just so I can have my little baby back. But, its not just the hard times I will miss...The good times...those will stick out in my head unlike any other. Rocking her to sleep...kissing booboos and making them better...getting kisses without having to fight her for them...her running up to me when she is being shy and wraps her arms around my legs as if to hug me and know that I can make it all better...Oh yes I will miss those times too. I know at times as mothers and wives we lose our patience more than we would like to. We have to count to 10 more than we would like to. We have to sneak into a closet and get out a few tears when you feel so overwhelmed we just can't take it anymore WAY more than we would like to...but amazingly...I'm gonna miss that too. Life just goes by so fast. I feel like I have blinked and my sweet baby is a toddler. And before I know it...she will be 2,3,4,5,10,16,18,20...I can't even imagine. Life is a crazy rollercoaster. But its the best rollercoaster I have ever been on. I am so thankful for my life and those in it and even in the good moments and the bad...I cant imagine living my life any other way. I can't imagine engulfing my life in drugs,partying, and sex...because honestly...that is not living. That is a road to death. And its a sure fire way to lose all the things that matter most. Those moments of pure bliss...and even the moments where you are so angry you want to pull your hair out...if they were gone...you're gonna miss them...

This post is going to be all over the place...

Early warning for those who don't want to read me jumping around like crazy. Although I dunno if it will jump around or not... I really don't plan these posts ahead of time I just sit down at my keyboard and type away my thoughts....so here we go.

I miss rocking Kaci to sleep. I miss being able to ask her for a kiss and not having to fight her for one. I miss my baby...someone has replaced her with a toddler. I won't lie the extra hour at night that I don't have to rock her has been nice...but honestly I miss her. That was our cuddle time but now she doesn't want it anymore she wanted to be a big girl and just go lay in bed and put herself to sleep...It broke my heart but I knew she was ready. Next is the pacifier...which I honestly won't miss. But, it is that one piece of her surgery that is still there except her scar of course...but the paci was Kaci's only source of comfort for 3 weeks while she was in the hospital. She was not able to be fed ANYTHING except IV fluids and antibiotics so she became attached to that thing. And I have not had the heart to take it away from her since. She only takes it when she is sleeping now but still I know how some people feel about it...she is 18 months old now so its getting that time...but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Everytime I take it out of her mouth or try to make her go to sleep without it she cries...and I remember her laying in that hospital room in the incubator not able to be held yet cause of all the wires and the only thing that gave her any sort of comfort was that paci...I can't do it. Some may look at it as me being an uncaring mom but honestly if you look at the reason I won't take it away you will know that the reason I won't take it away from her is because I love her so much...I just don't know.

Lately I have also been looking around at the people in my life and I think its time for some house cleaning. I just look at these people and they are going nowhere with their lives. Drugs and partying...such a waste. Maybe I am just different from some of the people I know but when I met Brandon and I had Kaci...my life changed.Not only because I believe that it had to but because I wanted it to. I thought about the things that matter most in life and if I wanted to keep those thing in my life then things had to change. Smoking weed all the freaking time...really where is that going to get you? Jail? No marriage? No kid? It doesn't seem worth it to me. And honestly that whole lifestyle doesn't seem even remotely appealing to me. They are living like we are still in high school. Those are all things we did back then. Before our children...before our marriages...before we grew up...or before I thought we grew up...apparently I did but some people are stuck in their old ways and its getting OLD to me. I can't put myself around it anymore. Its bad enough in my eyes to do drugs when have kids but when you do them when they are around...thats a line that you just don't cross. But, I suppose some people will never learn. I grew up I just wish they would follow but I expect to much from people I guess...I love these people but for the well being of my child and husband and myself I just can't be around them anymore. It's to much for me.

I am lucky though... I have a wonderful best friend who is on the same page as me. Who is at the exact same place in her life as me and is as fed up with immature people as I am. Chloe...she is just my best friend...She doesn't do drugs she doesn't get drunk all the time she doesn't have any interest in partying or being stupid...she is just a mom and wife just like me and we love our lives...it may sound boring to some but seriously I love it. I love not getting high...I love not partying...I love being a mommy and a wife...I love it all... and I love my best friend. She keeps me going. We been through alot and I know lots of people get mad because we are so close and because I hang with her instead of going out with them but in the end she was there when none of them were. She was my rock through the hardest of times and the best of times. She never deserted me when someone else came along. She was always there. And I am so lucky to have her. And she loves my child like she was her own and I feel the same about her children...I love them so much.

Well I told you this post might be all over the place... I think I kept it pretty solid though. If I didn't sorry just needed to get some things off my chest.

Dear Kaci, Halloween, 18 Months !

My goodness. Kaci I know I say it a lot but where has time gone? My sweet baby you are just such a toddler lately !! Getting into everything...running around...being ADORABLE !! You had your second Halloween yesterday but it was the first time you got to trick or treat. You were so amazed with the concept of hey we go to peoples doors and they give candy. I hope you don't think that is what happens year round. Of course it probably would happen if they saw your sweet face everytime they opened to door who could resist to give you candy honestly? You have been sick the past week. Luckily you are better. All week long you had a fever and of course if you read my last post you know you had a febrile seizure. No harm done...you are completely fine and perfect. You are walking so great you are still a bit clumsy but I honestly think that is your nature cause well...your daddy is clumsy so its only natural lol. I love it. I love that you are trying to run lately and you make this noise when you run just to hear what it sounds like when you bounce up and down and you realized that the noise goes in and out when you are running fast. Its funny. I'll have to get a video one day. I know one thing...you have missed your MiMi. She had to go to Florida for testing for her liver but she will be home in 2 days ! I cannot wait to be there to watch the moment you see your MiMi for the first time in 3 weeks...it will be amazing. I know MiMi misses you she tells me everyday on the phone. Well my darling I don't have much more to add just gonna post pics from this month so enjoy my angel.

Sometimes...

You have those days where everything falls into place. Where everything goes right and you can just look back and say "this was a good day."

Unfortunately for me and my daughter...today was NOT one of those days.
My poor Kaci has been sick for the last 2 days. She had a slight fever yesterday but nothing bad and this morning she seemed fine. Not warm or nothing. Went to play with my friends little boy and was acting fine. Then it got to nap time. I got her home and I started feeling her head and she just didn't feel right to me. She felt awfully warm. So I took her temp and lo and behold her fever was 101.6. So I gave her tylenol. Well then I wait and make sure its going down and it got down to 100.4 so I thought we were safe to put her down for a nap. Since she was sick I let her lay in my bed with me and I took a nap with her since we both didn't sleep that well last night. Well about 45 minutes into the nap she sits up in the bed and SCREAMS at the top of her lungs and I automatically grab her and hold her and try to calm her down. All of the sudden she flattens out in my arms as stiff as a board and starts shaking uncontrollably and her eyes rolled back in her head and she just couldn't get a breath out. I started panicking. I get on the phone with the doctor and it was over within about 1 and a half or 2 minutes. Worst 2 minutes of my life. Seriously watching her look completely lifeless in my arms for even a split second was WAY to much for me to handle. You should never have to see that when you are a parent.
And for a baby to have been through everything she has been through in her short 18 months then to have one more thing to add to the list...its not fair. She doesn't deserve it. I just want her health to be perfect like she is. I love her so much I never want her to hurt like that EVER again. I wished the entire 2 minutes it was going on that it was just me. Please just let it be me. And through it all my child came out smiling and laughing and happy at the end of the day. You wouldn't even know she was sick or that she just had a seizure a few hours ago. It's amazing. God is amazing. SHE IS AMAZING ! I am praising God for blessing me with this miracle I get to call my daughter and for blessing us each and every day and helping bring us through the obstacles with her health. God is good.

Me

My mom...

Seriously, I don't wanna be a crybaby. But I am going to be. So if you are reading this and don't wanna hear it stop now. My mom left 4 days ago. Thats right 4 days. And I am seriously...missing her. I never in my entire life thought that I would miss her this much. My home feels empty. I feel empty. Yes, I have Kaci and Brandon and they are amazing but my mom is my best friend. I miss my best friend. I know she isn't gone for good but it still is just not fun. I am a big girl and I have a family of my own but gosh...without my mom I just don't feel whole. Some people would assume I miss her because they think that she takes care of my daughter for me and cleans my house for me but you're wrong. My house is clean and my daughter is WELL taken care of. I just plain old miss her. So I had my first breakdown today since she left. I can guarantee you its not the last. 3 weeks is a long time to be away from the one person you have always been able to depend on. Nobody wants to be away from their best friend. It's not a good feeling. I have never been away from my mom for longer than a few days. I have especially never been away from her while she is having loads of tests run on her depending on whether or not her life is saved. Its hard. I heard her voice today and I just lost it. Not to mention just a second before that I had been talking to my aunt about what was going on and apparently the mayo clinic is able to turn my mom down if she is not able to pay for her medications she will need. They don't pay for all of that and its REALLY expensive. And to hear that there is any sort of chance that my mom won't be able to get this life saving procedure when she does,in fact, need it...kills me. I love my mom...and I want her to watch Kaci grow up. I want her to see my brother have her grandbabies and I want her to see all the important things. Right now without her getting a new liver...its not looking good. All we can do is pray. Gods will will be done I know that. But, what if its Gods will for her to NOT get the liver when she needs it. How do you really accept that? I can't think like that...I just want to be positive. God has brought her this far...he kept her alive 7 years longer than the doctors thought she would live...doctors told me she would never see me graduate,never see me get married, never see her grandbaby...and guess what she has seen it all and will see more. She has too... I guess I just needed to vent. I miss her so much I just needed to get it all out. Been really stressed lately so worried about her so thanks for listening if you got this far...

-Me

My Best Friend...

I have been laying here in bed for hours now thinking of you. While you sleep like an angel this is what mommy does. I lay here thinking of your face. Your absolutely perfect smile that could light up any room no matter how dark. You beautiful eyes that have stolen so many hearts already in your short lifetime. My darling you are so perfect. I often sit and wonder just how your daddy and I made something so amazingly perfect. Seriously Kaci...I spend every waking moment with you and still when you go to bed...its never enough I want to just keep you in my sight at all times because you are just so wonderful.
How did I live without you? Before you...I really don't want to call it living. I was simply existing until my entire reason for existence arrived. And boy did it arrive with a bang. A wopping 7 lb beautiful baby girl that from the very beginning had my heart.
How did I breath without you? I have no idea how my lungs filled with air each second of the day before you came along and filled every breath with shear perfection. Every inhale and exhale being so wonderful since you showed up.
How did my heart beat without you? Did it simply not know of how much love it was able to provide? I know my brain didn't know. When I met your daddy I thought that my heart would explode from all the love I felt for him in the exact moment I looked into his eyes. But just like him...the moment your eyes hit mine...It was bliss. From that moment on every beat of my heart is for you.
How did the world turn without you? I'll never know the answer to this. I vaguely remember my life without you. But I can tell you one thing...the earth did not turn quite as gracefully as it has since you stepped foot onto it. Every single step you take on it gives life more meaning.
You have totally and completely stolen my heart. Kaci Jade...17 months after I first laid eyes on you I can tell you that my heart holds more love for you with each passing second. And I don't know how that is possible because at the very moment I saw you I thought there was no way that I could love you more...but I was wrong so very very wrong. You are hands down 100% the most incredible gift from God I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. You are my miracle and my best friend.
-Mommy

Dear Kaci,

My goodness !! I cannot believe you are already 17 months old !! This month really has flown by. You are doing so many new things lately its hard to keep up ! Best thing is you are walking great now ! You can almost run! I am one proud mama walking around holding your hand in the mall and at the park. You love to walk too. You rarely ever want me to carry you which is really good for mommys back. I love that you reach up for my hand cause you just wanna hold it while you walk. We found a new place that you absolutely LOVE to play at. There is a little play place at the mall that has slides and tunnels and you just love playing in it. I love watching you. When you climb up the slide and you get to the top you look over at me and have the biggest smile on your face. It seems like you want to make sure I am watching. I enjoy seeing you have fun it is seriously the best feeling. You have a slight cold. I am not sure if its a cold or the freaking weather not wanting to make up its mind whether it wants to be hot or cold. You love playing outside now that you can walk really good. You also are saying backpack,ball,good girl,and instead of all gone you say gone gone just like mommy used to when she was your age! I love it ! Today was a good day. It was me and you all day. I was rocking you to sleep for your nap and I was watching a show...and this girl had twin girls and they were born 7 weeks early and one died at a few days old and the other died 12 weeks later...I cried while I rocked you and I held you so tight and kissed your little cheeks like crazy. I feel so blessed to have you baby. You are just the most precious gift I have ever received. You are growing up to fast and I just wish I could slow down time. But, since I can't I just savor every moment with you. Every hug. Every laugh. Every boo boo. Every sweet kiss. And every single day...because everyday when I wake up to you...that is the most amazing thing to wake up to. You brighten my days when I am having a bad one and you just make every second of the day worthwhile. You are my love. You are the best thing that's ever been mine...



-Mommy

Thank you God...

Wow, I have never been so shocked in my entire life. Mom called to pay her insurance today and they told her to hold on and transferred her to another lady with The Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville,FL. Well, the woman told mom basically that they were going to fly her and another person out to Jacksonville all expenses paid...they are going to put them up in housing and pay for their food and everything so that mom can come down and have tests run in order to get HER NEW LIVER !!!!!! YES thats right everyone...my mother, who has liver cancer, is more than likely going to be getting a new liver. She is in stage 4 of liver failure and basically she is dying...and what do you know God swoops in and shows us just how amazing he is. I don't know if ya'll understand what this means to her and us...If she gets a liver she will more than likely be alive to watch my daughter grow up...she will see her son have her grandchildren...She will live. I am sitting here just bawling because almost 8 years ago a woman sat in front of me and told me that my mother would be dead in 3 years...she told me she would not see me graduate high school, she would not see me get married, and she would not see her grandchildren...and look where we are. God is AMAZING and I hope you all see just how amazing he is through this. Please pray that my mom gets the tests and she is in good enough health to have the transplant and that her body takes to the new liver and doesn't reject. Please pray...and know that God is real and he is listening to your prayers because we have been praying for this for years and look what happened...He is wonderful.

Me.

2 years today...

Today marks 2 years since I found out I was carrying my Kaci in my belly. It seems like such a short time ago I peed on that stick telling myself I was just getting my hopes up and I am only 2 days late so really thats not a big deal. And then I walked away and came back in and saw the 2 lines...and my whole world changed. Those 2 line meant that I had this amazing gift from God growing inside me and little did I know then that it was an amazing little girl that was going to make me fall in love each and everyday more and more with her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her nose, her mean face, her kisses, just being herself....no matter what she does I am in love. She is my world. This day marks one of the best days in my life. Yes, I was sick. Yes, I felt awful. Yes, it was all worth it.

From this...



To this...



In 2 years...God is AMAZING !

Mommy.

Dear Kaci,

My little 16 month old !! Can you believe it? i really can't !! This month has really flown by and I know its only going to go faster the bigger you get. My sweet angel this month you have done so many new things its hard for mommy to keep track anymore. First is, of course, YOU FINALLY WALKED !!! I mean seriously you walked around the entire house like you had been walking for years haha. Then you fell and I think it scared you and now you will only walk holding my hand. Which is fine cause boy do I love holding your hand. I can't think of a better way to walk around :). You also have been peeing and pooping in the potty. Now for a 16 month old that is huge !! You are in pull ups and you are LOVING being a big girl. Everytime you pee or poop in the potty it sings and you start clapping your hands and dancing and say YAAAAAAAAY !! And then like every parent who has seen look who's talking too does...We dance around the house singing "Pee Pee in the pottttaaaaay" Lol its a lot of fun and you are getting so good at it. The last 2 days I have literally changed 3 pee pee diapers and 2 of those are from when you were sleeping overnight so that you can't help yet and then the other was because we were at walmart and I couldnt get you to go in the big potty so you peed in the pull up which is fine because seriously I will change 1 pee pee diaper as opposed to like 6-10 depending on what you eat and drink haha. Funny story tonight me,you, and Mimi were in walmart and I tried to get you to pee in the big potty since of course we dont travel with your potty and well needless to say I was bending down to put your pull up back on you and you sort of fell in the toilet. Like you didn't submerge or anything and you barely got wet but yes you fell in the toilet at walmart. Sorry bunny I really felt bad but now I can laugh about it. You also have learned a new favorite word. "WOW" You just absolutely love saying it and say it constantly along with "baby". You got a cool new toy tonight. Its a turtle you sit on and bouce and rock back and forth and man do you love it !! We got home late so you didn't get to play with it that long cause bedtime was pretty much the minute we got home after dinner but tomorrow I guarantee lots of time on the turtle. Mimi buys you so many toys you are so spoiled. I swear you have the most toys I have ever seen a kid have and you literally would rather play with my cell phone or a 2 dollar ball lol. But thats okay. You are so loved bunny. Everyone who meets you falls in love and I can't say that I blame them I mean I fell in love with you before I ever even seen you. You are a charmer. Well my angel...its late and mommy and daddy are going to bed. We love my darling sleep tight my little toddler. I just can't believe you are growing up so fast. I want to slow time somehow. I think I will go give you a kiss before I get in bed and look at you sleeping...like the little angel that you are. I love you.

Mommy

The farting skunk...

Yes. It's true. My daughter is afraid of a farting skunk.
We went to cracker barrel the other night cause hubby and I were celebrating our 2 year anniversary and thats where we went the night we got married cause I was weird and craving it. Well there was a stuffed animal skunk and kaci liked it..at first. Then we realized it had a woopie cushion in it and if you squeeze it it farts. Well we squeezed it thinking kaci would laugh. NO she screamed and started shaking and got just full blown terrified. So me,being the wonderful mother I am, pulls out my phone and records it because well...that is hilarious !!!! I went there for breakfast this morning and Kaci went with me and we try again to see if maybe she warmed up to it...NO she is still afraid lol. Its so funny to me to see what kids are scared of. So enjoy the video. And Kaci when you read this...I am sorry but you gotta admit that is freaking hilarious !!!!!

Walking. Falling. Walking some more...

It's happened. My child is trying to walk. I think I prayed for this day for forever and now that it is here I am not sure how I feel about it. When she tries to walk and takes a few steps she looks so..."grown up" I realize that she is only 15 months old but she just doesn't look like my itty bitty baby anymore she is my very tall very beautiful very AMAZING toddler. Toddler....ugh that word. She isn't my baby !!! She is in her own room she is in a toddler bed. She doesn't even need me to entertain her anymore she prefers to go to her room and play and watch barney until naptime. This is a very bittersweet time. Yes I love the age she is at she is bunches of fun and gosh I just love when she does new things but when did she get so big? When did she go from that little blob that only woke up to eat and poop to walking and talking and not needing me for very much anymore...I know why people have more than one kid now. You get the itching to be needed again. When she goes to school I know thats when we will finally have another one. Until then I really don't think we will be ready at all. And I am totally fine with that cause lets face it I am not the happiest pregnant person in the world lol. And Kaci is more than enough right now. But, I can understand why people get the feeling of not being needed anymore and thinking well then I'll just have another one.

So I went to the doc the other day (I have a bladder infection btw) and Kaci came along as always because she LOVES going anywhere with me. Well she was standing up in the waiting area holding onto the WOODEN chairs walking and she was going to transition from this one wooden chair to the other but she was gonna have to let go and walk to the other one not holding onto anything. It was literally 2-3 steps max she was gonna have to take. Well I was watching her and sure enough she went for it and everything looked good until she leaned forward to reach for the chair and she leaned to early and face plants right into the wooden chair. My Lord I have never heard her scream so loud. I am sure everyone in that waiting are thought I was a terrible parent. I held her and comforted her and told her it was okay and I have to admit I cried right along with her. She eventually stopped screaming enough for me to look at it. She had busted her top lip and her nose was bleeding on both sides. I just knew her nose was broken I kept asking the doctor if I would know and begging her to look and she kept saying she couldnt see anyone under 2 but put my mind at ease and said if her nose was broken it would swell immediately. And of course every nurse that came in after her I asked and they said the same thing and one even touched her nose and wiggled it around and poked it and Kaci just laughed so we are sure its not broken. I felt like a bad mommy for a while I will admit it. I couldn't believe I had let her fall. I feel like she is always getting hurt on my watch ya know? I mean she fell out of her bouncer at 3 months old while with me. She crawled off the bed about a month ago when she woke up from a nap and I had the baby monitor on she usually makes some kind of noise so I hear her and of course that day all I heard was CRASH...WAAAAHHHH. And then now she plants her face into this wooden chair while with me. I seriously felt awful. Of course my other mommys quickly put my mind at ease and said that it happens all the time to mothers and well in all honesty it makes sense she would do all that on my watch cause she is with me all the time.

I am just blessed that she is okay. I dunno what I would do if something ever happened to her. I assumed since she fell while trying to walk this would make her scared to do it again. Well, I was wrong. She got right back up about 30 minutes afterwards and was trying again.

She is so awesome. I am so blessed to have her as my daughter. I love you Kaci Jade.

Mommy

Dear Kaci,

Since mommy can't sleep I figured HEY it's the first and you are 15 months old today lets write your letter since you are on my mind. But lets face it...you never leave my mind. 2:30 in the morning and I am laying here thinking of you. I can't believe 15 months have already went by. I was just telling your aunt Jessica last night that I feel like I gave birth last week. It definitely doesn't feel like it's been 15 months. You grow more and more each day. I honestly can't keep up. You do new things all the time and you just amaze me. You love to say mama as always. MiMi is of course your second favorite word. The last few weeks mommy had surgery so you have spent alot of your time with daddy and mimi cause mommy just couldn't get out of bed or lift you. Trust me it broke my heart. Of course they brought you in here to see me constantly and it's like you knew I was in pain because you crawled up to me on the bed and gave me a big kiss without me even having to ask for it. Talk about making someones night huh? That made me feel better. You would just come and lay your head on me and be such a sweetheart. Your so wonderful. Mama and Mimi bought you a big girl potty tonight. Not saying you are going to be full blown potty training but we are gonna work on it. I am hoping to put you on it while I use the potty and hoping we see some results and maybe by the time you're 2 you will be my potty trained princess but ya know what even if you are still in diapers then it won't matter you will still be my wittle princess. You and me and Mimi went out to eat last night. Lets just say you were the center of attention. 3 tables around us were all eyes on you. And you put on such a good show for them. You just talked to them and waved and did "TOUCHDOWN" and wanted everyone to clap for you every time you did something. That is you favorite thing is people clapping for you. And if someone isn't clapping you look at them until they do. It's so precious. You are my little star already. Well my darling right now mommy really needs to get to bed so that I can get up bright and early and play with you. I love you so much my big girl...gosh 15 months already. You gotta slow down with the growing my little bunny...time is just going to fast for mommy. Goodnight my angel I can't wait to open my eyes and hear the sweet sounds of you waking up in the morning.






Mommy

What we see in our children...

When you look into the eyes of that amazing human being you created what is it that you see?



I can honestly say I see perfection. I know that nobody is perfect except God of course but she is so close is pathetic. Kaci is this incredible ball of awesomeness. When she looks at me...I see so much love in her eyes. When she crawls over to me and says "Mama" I can really feel that this little person loves me unconditionally. No matter what I have done in the past she doesn't care...I am her hero. I am her rock. I am her sole source of love and affection. Yes, others can love her. Other can hold her. Others can say that they love her just as much as I do. But, forgive me you are wrong. This child is my world. You may come close to loving her that way but nothing can touch this love. The love a mother has for their child is amazing. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test it was over. I felt love from that moment on. When I saw her heart beating away on the ultrasound and saw her little body shaped into the formation of a seahorse...I realized that my heart was no longer my own. When I knew I was going in to be induced and I would soon meet this amazing being that I had created and nourished in my body for 9 months I was overjoyed. Flooded with mixed emotions of whether or not I was ready. Would I feel that instant connection all mothers speak of when they see their baby for the first time? Yes, times a million. When they placed my child on my stomach at that moment my heart could have exploded because of the amount of love I felt. Tears rolling down my face and staring at this beautiful baby covered in God only knows what...I was completely and utterly in LOVE. Her cry, her eyes, her lips, her nose, her feet, her hands, her belly button, and yes even her poopy diapers...I love everything about her. It is something that if you are a mother you know exactly what I am talking about...its something so indescribable. I really cannot put into words the love I have for Kaci. She saved me. In more ways that one. She is my light...my hope...she shows me that there is still such beauty in this ugly world we are living in. She showed me that no matter how rocky the road was before her...the road from there on out would be paved with this beautiful little girl to brighten up even the most horrific of days. And yes her whole first month of life...my daughter showed me what true strength was. She fought. She fought hard. And she won. I don't feel like I should be her hero at all...She is mine. She is my angel. My amazing little miracle. My reason for waking up in the morning. My entire reason for existence. My Opie. My turtle. My panda. My love. My Kaci Jade.

(Just for the record those are all nicknames that I gave to Kaci while I was pregnant and after I had her.)



Me.

Remembering...

Watching the show NICU on discovery health got me really emotional tonight. That is a place that I honestly don't ever want to be again.
I never got the chance to tell the full story of my experience at the NICU so I will take the opportunity.
My daughter was born May 1,2009 as all of you know. She was so perfect. We brought her home 2 days later and everything seemed fine. But, the day we got home she would not latch on to me anymore. She was a breastfeeding champ at the hospital but as soon as I tried at home she wouldn't latch. I automatically started telling my mother and Brandon that something is not right. But, everyone kept telling me that these things happen so I just kept trying. a few more days went by and things got worse. We had to start formula and she was spitting up constantly. We were also having issues because she had jaundice. So I kept taking her to her pediatrician everyday to get her levels tested. All the while I still felt as if something just wasn't right. Then when she was 4 days old her jaundice level jumped to 20 and they needed to readmit her to the hospital to be put under the bili bed overnight to get her levels down. Well we settled into our hospital room and put Kaci into the bili bed. My room was right next to the nursery so I was pumping her bottles to feed her through the night. She needed 2 ounces every 3 hours. Around 2 a.m. I wasnt getting any milk while pumping around that time so I had to break down and give her 2 ounces of formula at that feeding because the nurse insisted that she needed it. Well, that is when it happened. Things went from ok to awful. The nurse began to force the bottle of formula down my childs throat because Kaci did not want to eat. I kept telling the nurse that she hasn't wanted to eat in days and the nurse kept forcing it down her. Then Kaci vommitted green mucous and I knew that wasn't good. I asked the nurse if that was normal and she looked at me and said its not a good sign. But continued to force the bottle down her throat as she is puking up mucous at the same time. I would love to get my hands on that nurse still today !
Onto the rest of the story. The next morning Kaci's pediatrician came in on his day off to order the xray that showed what we all we dreading to see. Her intestines were flipped cutting off blood supply. She would have to be rushed to Vanderbilt Childrens hospital where she was to have surgery within that week. She rode in an ambulance the 45 minute drive as we drove behind them. I sobbed the whole way. I remember that whole day as being a complete crying fest. Brandon would just hold me and try to stay strong for me but when they put her in the incubator and he saw her tiny fragile little body being poked with needles and her crying and screaming...it became to much for him and he broke down. To this day i remember him looking at me in the hallway of the hospital holding an empty carseat and asking me why...why our daughter? I wish I knew that answer.
When we got to VCH she was place in the NICU where the doctors came in and we were told her surgery would be within a few days. We felt positive when we left.
Then they called the next morning saying her surgery would have to be moved to that day because it was more twisted than they orignally thought it was. So we rushed the hospital and they told us the surgery would take up to 2 to 3 hours and they started when we were leaving our house. When we got there we sat in the waiting room for literally all fo 15 minutes and they came out and put us in the room to tell us how it went and I just remember the docs first words were "Everything looks great" The surgery took 30 minutes and they thought she would be on the ventilator to help her breathe afterwards but no my child didn't need that at all.
For 3 weeks she laid in the NICU. She wasn't able to eat for the first 2 because they were having to pull green bile and mucous out of her belly where it had sat in there. Then it finally turned clear and we were able to feed her. It was the best feeling in the world. Those 3 weeks without her were the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. We felt so empty. We left the hospital each day with an empty carseat in the back seat. We had an empty bassinet sitting next to our bed. And we had empty arms that longed to hold her everynight before bed...but thats just not the way it worked out. I am so thankful to the NICU team at Vanderbilt. Those nurses treated my child like she was their own. I remember one nurse I loved the most she would sing to Kaci and rock her when I wasn't there to do so. It was amazing. They saved my daughters life and I am forever grateful for them. I still to this day donate money to that hospital because of all that they did for my baby.






so thats the story. Sorry if it bored you but I always wanted to post it in this for Kaci to read later.

Brittany

Lucky...

Here lately I look around me and gosh...I am so lucky. I don't mean to write this and rub it in anyones faces that is not my intention but I just have to write about life as of now and that is exactly how I feel.
I am a mother to an AMAZING 14 month old. Kaci is just wonderful. She grows everyday and learns new things constantly its hard for me to keep up. She recently learned "NO" and shakes her head no when I say it to her. How can I stay mad at what she was doing when she does that? She points ALOT now !! And talks up a storm. She is finally sleeping through the night again. I took out her tinkerbell light which was as bright as a lamp and put in a very dim night light and she has slept through the night since. She doesn't like to have much light at all when she is sleeping. I couldn't sleep with the tv on when she slept in my room even if it was all the way down she would wake up. But, if there is NO light she freaks out. So we had to find a happy medium and I believe we did. Lets keep our fingers crossed cause let me tell you I am enjoying 10 hours of sleep !! I love her to pieces she is the highlight of my day !!






My husband and I recently had it out. I feel like we hit a huge bump in our marriage but I honestly knew it was coming. We just were not intimate anymore...and by that I do not mean sex...I mean emotionally if that makes any sense.I felt completely alone even when he was in the room with me I was lonely. I felt like he was in another world always and never cared about me and how I felt. All the romance had ran right out the window. I know after you get married things fizzle out I am very aware but gosh we gotta keep something alive or what is the point? We have to rekindle some kind of spark that we used to have or we will forget why we fell in love in the first place. I know before a few days ago I was never reminded of the reasons I fell in love with him. So, we had it out. We fought. I was ready to leave then I had my best friend come over and calm me down and she got me calm enough for me to start thinking. I thought about the first moment I saw him. That smile. I remember running to my mom to tell her how gorgeous my new manager was !! I remember the day I stole his number off a work order and started texting him. I remember our very first date...Scarface and zaxbys...and the best end to the night...he was a perfect gentleman and kissed me. And let me tell you when I remember that kiss I remember what I felt at that moment. Although I was sitting down my knees went weak. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I never wanted it to end. And I was in love. That very night I knew that he was the one. the one God put on this earth to be mine forever. I know it sounds crazy but that is the honest truth...I was his that night forever and he knew it too. We fell fast and hard and it was the best feeling in the world. I wouldn't change it at all. Then I remembered our wedding day. I was so nervous. But it was amazing. To walk down that aisle and know I was making the right decision...knowing wholeheartedly that i wanted him forever. And that smile on his face when he saw me was wonderful. Then I remember the best day of our lives. The day we welcomed our daughter into this world. He sat by my side for 23 hours. When I wanted to give up he whispered in my ear that I could do this. And when she came out and they placed her on my chest and he took one look at her and started crying and he leaned down and whispered in my ear that she was perfect and that I did the most amazing job ever and that he loved me so much...and then he thanked me. At the time I didnt even realize it but he thanked me for birthing his child lol. It was my honor to have our child. And what a child. He recently told me why he thanked me though. He said he watched me for through pure hell for 9 months straight to bring that baby into this world. He said he never knew anyone so strong. And that made me melt. I remember all these things and I know why I am in love with him...I think its good to remind our selves because you do get caught up in this crazy life we live that we don't take enough time for each other. I don't know how many fights we will have in the future... but I do know this...No matter how many fights we have I am here forever. We may feel so much rage at times for each other but he will always be my forever love. We will always be together. I will always love him so very much. He will always be my hubby bunny...but most of all he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND!


Yes...I am so lucky...

Brittany

Flash Me Friday !

Jen started something called "Flash me Friday" and my friend Jessica talked me into doing this. This time we are taking pictures of our kitchens. I suppose it's a chance to get a peek inside the houses of others...I doubt anyone wants to get into this house lol clutter clutter to much stuff and not enough space for it...we need a bigger house already so please try to not look at the mess.

14 Months...

Dear Kaci,
Another month gone and you're another month older. I feel like I say this constantly but where did time go? The painful realization that you are growing up kills me but what a joy it is to watch you and to have the privilege to watch you my baby. A week ago I read a mothers blog...a week ago she lost her son. Her 7 year old son lost his fight to cystic fibrosis. It really made me realize how precious time is. How I just want to grab every moment and hold onto it because you just can't get it back. Once it's gone it's gone. As I am sitting here watching you dance and watch barney I am overwhelmed by sadness for that mother...She can no longer look at her son and watch him dance and watch his favorite shows. He is with God now...and finally breathing with ease. We all complain about things in our day to day lives that we probably shouldn't. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed I just want to be lazy...there are days where I want to pull my hair out by the end of the day because I am so tired and so done with saying "NO" and "Don't touch that" all day long. But, I want to stop this. Yes, my darling you are a handful. You are a little ball of energy and you are just simply a mess...but you are my mess...the best kind of mess there could ever be. Next time I feel a moment of me losing my patience I want to sit and breath and remember that there are mothers out there who would give anything to have one more day to tell their children "NO" and "Don't touch that" again. I can never imagine these mothers pain...and I don't wish to. I hope I never have to know that pain and would never wish it on anyone.
My sweet angel I love you so much...and I want to enjoy every second I have with you because time is flying by and before I know it you're going to be going to school, then starting high school, then graduating, then getting married, then making me a grandma...it seems to far off...but so close. Don't grow up to fast my love. Stay my baby forever.
Mommy

Prayers are needed...

Not for me but for This family. 7 year old Conner has Cystic Fibrosis. If you click on the link you will see that he has taken a turn for the worse and they fear this will be his last day on earth and if its not they know the end will be soon.

I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain his parents are feeling right now. To have to sit back and watch your child fight for his life and know that there is nothing you can do to help and ultimately he is fighting a losing battle.

Coming from me...I have watched my child go through something noone ever should BUT my child came through it. She is happy and healthy and I am so thankful to God for that. But, if she hadn't...I sat down last night and I thought to myself very deeply....I want to believe I would be the mother with unwaivering faith in God and I want to say that I would be able to put all my trust in the Lord and know that he will take care of her...but last night I didn't know if I could. I think I could but like I said I have never been in this kind of situation and I can only hope I never have to be. But, as I was thinking...I feel like God spoke to me. I was reading my book He Will Carry Me by Angie Smith. She lost her daughter Audrey 2 hours after giving birth to her...they found out at her 20 week ultrasound that she had many complications that made her "incompatible with life" so she wrote this book about her journey and I was just uplifted by this womans faith. It is so amazing to me that in light of everything she was not mad at God because she was going to lose her child. She still put everything in God's hands and knew that everything would be okay...and she had such a peace.

I can only hope that Conners mom and dad find this kind of peace. I can't even fathom how they must feel but I pray they can find it in them to keep their faith in God and know that one way or another their son will be healed soon.

Please pray for this family.
Me

Dear Kaci

13 Months...already. I still don't know where time is going. In the last few days you have went from crawling around to pulling yourself up onto things and walking holding on...I feel like you will try walking on your own very soon. You will walk holding both or one of my hands and you laugh the whole time cause you like the way your shoes squeak. Mommy bought you a pair of squeaker sneakers and they are just way to cute. I can't believe how big you have gotten Kaci. You are starting to not be my baby anymore but turning into my toddler. It's crazy to say that but you are not my itty bitty 7 lb baby I gave birth to. If only I could go back and snuggle with you a few more times when you couldn't push me away so you could go play with your toys. At one time Kaci I was the funnest thing you ever played with...then you discovered toys and now you only snuggle me a few times a day. I miss the days I would do nothing but hold you in my arms and watch you sleep. Those moments are priceless. I can still picture your sweet little face when you were just a month old coming home from Vanderbilt I couldn't believe you were really home so the whole first week you were home I don't think I put you down but for a few minutes at a time...All I wanted to do was hold you and never let go. And I still wanna do that but I can't your just growing up on me already. You are in a big girl bed now and you are in your own room. That really made it seem real to me that you were growing up when you didn't need to sleep with mommy and daddy anymore. I will say we are all getting more sleep this way but I do miss just being able to reach over and put my arm around you and know you are right by my side where you belong. But, you can't stay my baby forever. Of course, when you are 40 you will still be my baby. I am sure that is how MiMi feels about me. MiMi is one of your favorite people lately as well you will follow her around the house and just say "MiMi...MIMI...MIIIIMIIIII!!!" Its so funny but oh so sweet how much you love her. Kaci, I can only hope and pray that MiMi lives long enough for you to remember her. She is sick...and getting sicker but I have a feeling God is going to see her through this and let her live long enough to see you grow into a big girl. She loves you so much my hunny.She cries when she talks about how much she loves you. I want you to know that even if something did happen to her...you had the most amazing MiMi in the whole world...she loves you more than life itself and I think she even might almost love you as much as mommy and daddy do. She would lay down her life for you happily and I want you to always carry her love with you whether she is here to share it with you or not because rest assured she is head over heels for you :). Well my darling I just wanted to write another letter for you. I hope that when you read this years from now you will know how much we all loved you just by reading my words. I love you my sweet little miracle.
Mommy

Take a moment...

Over the past few months I have sat and read alot of things about Cystic Fibrosis and watched alot of videos about it that my friend Jessica posted. She has cystic fibrosis. Since I have known her I cannot tell you how many times she has been in and out of the hospital. I never realized how serious this disease is and just how little awareness there is of it...and how little the government is doing to help. I am not gonna ramble on but I think everyone should take a moment out of their day to read up on it...maybe one day there will be a cure but we just have to stand up for these people.

Click here the learn about Cystic Fibrosis and what you can do to help us get one step closer to a cure !!!
Thanks so much.
Brittany

Happy Birthday My Kaci...

My sweet angel...Time seems to have gotten away from me this past year. I feel as if I just saw your sweet little face for the first time yesterday and here you are turning 1. I have mixed emotions about this day. As it has been approaching I have been excited but dreading it. It's a painful reminder that time just goes by to fast. I'll never forget this day one year ago. I won't lie...I was miserable. I was in so much pain and felt so sick waiting for you to get here. In labor for 23 hours and on magnesium so my blood pressure doesnt spike up I was ready to give up...and then it happened...In a moments notice everything that had happened before that meant absolutely nothing. I heard the sweet sound of your first cry. And when I say sweet sound...I mean the most amazing sound I have ever heard. Then they laid you on my belly and I took one look at you and it was as if the world had stopped for just a second and you and I locked eyes and I was totally and completely and amazingly in love. Before that I never knew my heart could hold so much love for someone. I couldn't believe that I had created you...something so utterly PERFECT. There was no other way to describe you but PERFECTION. At that moment I had no idea but as you grow...my heart holds more and more love for you each day that goes by. We had no idea that in just a few days you would go through an ordeal that would almost take you from me...It hurts to even think about that time. I just remember you laying in that incubator after surgery and looking at you and just praying. Begging God to please let you make it through it. I would do ANYTHING if he would just let you make it through this...and here we are. You are the most amazing and beautiful little girl ANYONE could ask for. You are the light of my life. My reason for being. My complete and total everything. And I love you so much baby. Happy birthday.
Love, Mommy.

The Love Dare

It's about time for a new post eh? The title of this post is what I am up to recently. That's right I took the love dare. For those wondering what this is i will explain. The love dare is a book. You read it over a 40 day period each day you get a new "dare" to strengthen or perhaps save a marriage that is falling apart. As hard as it is for me to admit...I am taking this challenge because of the second reason. My marriage is not strong. My marriage feels as if it is falling apart day by day and I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with how much our marriage is lacking. I am on day 4 of this dare and I have broken down probably 50 times already realizing just how much we needed this. Brandon does not know I am doing this dare. Everyday after I do the dares I write him a letter telling him exactly what I did and how he responded and how I feel about it. I found myself starting this challenge because I thought it would make Brandon change. Here I am 4 days in and I realize he is not the only one who needed to change. How can this book show me in 4 days what I should have known all along. I blamed him for things that are obviously my fault. Yes, he needs to change don't get me wrong I am not the only problem in this marriage but I am a big part if it. I never realized that I am very selfish. I thought all this time that I think more about my husband than I do myself and honestly I can say that now I was wrong. The biggest thing I have learned already is that I am the most impatient person especially when it comes to my husband. If he does one thing or says one thing out of line or something I don't like I snap. I yell and get mad and make him feel like an idiot and I hate myself for ever making him feel like that. I married a wonderful man and it's time I remember that and appreciate it before I lose him. Kaci is the best thing that ever happened to me but I need to remind myself that without Brandon there would be no Kaci. I could have had a baby with anyone but she would not be the perfect angel she is...she would not have his perfect nose and his cute grin and that widows peak in her hair...the things that make her my baby would not exist without my husband. He goes to work everyday to provide a home for me and my daughter and even lets my mother who has cancer live with us and doesn't complain a bit. When he is sick or has a cold he still goes to work. Yes he is tight with money to a really rediculous point but I am thankful for that because sometimes if it weren't for him being tight with money I might spend it all. We got married quickly and a month later we got pregnant...we never got the honeymoon stage that most couples get and we have ALOT of stress on us that people who have only been married a year don't have most of the time. It's hard. We make the best of it but our marriage is suffering from the stress of our daily life. I am severely depressed about alot of things lately I I take it out on Brandon. For no reason at all. Just because he is there. And I never EVER wanted to be that kind of person. I love him so much it hurts sometimes...and lately because of this book I am remembering the old days before we got married when we first got together and them months after that we just couldn't even keep our hands off each other. I swear sometimes I would just look at him and stare because I couldn't understand how someone so wonderful would want anything to do with me. And since we got married I have forgotten that feeling. But since starting this book I have a better respect and more understanding of him and I swear I catch myself staring at him the same way again. I find myself wanting to kiss him more and just wanting to hold him and let him know that I do love him and I am sorry if I ever made him feel otherwise. Although I am only 4 days in and have learned so much already I am going to finish the 40 days and learn more and strengthen my marriage even more because I love my husband and I made a promise to be with him forever and I fully intend to keep that promise if he will let me. I hope at the end of all this he realizes that he and Kaci are my world and I couldn't imagine spending eternity with anyone else.