Seriously, I don't wanna be a crybaby. But I am going to be. So if you are reading this and don't wanna hear it stop now. My mom left 4 days ago. Thats right 4 days. And I am seriously...missing her. I never in my entire life thought that I would miss her this much. My home feels empty. I feel empty. Yes, I have Kaci and Brandon and they are amazing but my mom is my best friend. I miss my best friend. I know she isn't gone for good but it still is just not fun. I am a big girl and I have a family of my own but gosh...without my mom I just don't feel whole. Some people would assume I miss her because they think that she takes care of my daughter for me and cleans my house for me but you're wrong. My house is clean and my daughter is WELL taken care of. I just plain old miss her. So I had my first breakdown today since she left. I can guarantee you its not the last. 3 weeks is a long time to be away from the one person you have always been able to depend on. Nobody wants to be away from their best friend. It's not a good feeling. I have never been away from my mom for longer than a few days. I have especially never been away from her while she is having loads of tests run on her depending on whether or not her life is saved. Its hard. I heard her voice today and I just lost it. Not to mention just a second before that I had been talking to my aunt about what was going on and apparently the mayo clinic is able to turn my mom down if she is not able to pay for her medications she will need. They don't pay for all of that and its REALLY expensive. And to hear that there is any sort of chance that my mom won't be able to get this life saving procedure when she does,in fact, need it...kills me. I love my mom...and I want her to watch Kaci grow up. I want her to see my brother have her grandbabies and I want her to see all the important things. Right now without her getting a new liver...its not looking good. All we can do is pray. Gods will will be done I know that. But, what if its Gods will for her to NOT get the liver when she needs it. How do you really accept that? I can't think like that...I just want to be positive. God has brought her this far...he kept her alive 7 years longer than the doctors thought she would live...doctors told me she would never see me graduate,never see me get married, never see her grandbaby...and guess what she has seen it all and will see more. She has too... I guess I just needed to vent. I miss her so much I just needed to get it all out. Been really stressed lately so worried about her so thanks for listening if you got this far...
-Me
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For this child I prayed. 1 Samuel 1:27
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2 comments:
Aww hunny. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Your mom is there for you everyday and now you have to go three whole weeks. Just try to stay positive and know that this is for the best. This is what is going to keep her around to watch Kaci grow up. Its gonna keep her there to make sure you are ok and watch you guys grow. Keep your head up and scream when you need to scream, cry when you need to cry, it will only make it worse to hold it in and screaming really is therapeutic! Just make sure you don't forget to laugh when you need to. Don't let this get you so far down that it starts effecting you, Kaci and Brandon's happiness. Sure its not the same without her here, but I'm sure she wants you to be happy right now and probably needs you to be strong for her as well!
Well, I love you Ninja and I hope you know I'm here for you anytime of day or night! xoxo
♥
I completely understand how you feel hun. I am sending lots and lots of prayers for both of you.
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