The Love Dare

It's about time for a new post eh? The title of this post is what I am up to recently. That's right I took the love dare. For those wondering what this is i will explain. The love dare is a book. You read it over a 40 day period each day you get a new "dare" to strengthen or perhaps save a marriage that is falling apart. As hard as it is for me to admit...I am taking this challenge because of the second reason. My marriage is not strong. My marriage feels as if it is falling apart day by day and I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with how much our marriage is lacking. I am on day 4 of this dare and I have broken down probably 50 times already realizing just how much we needed this. Brandon does not know I am doing this dare. Everyday after I do the dares I write him a letter telling him exactly what I did and how he responded and how I feel about it. I found myself starting this challenge because I thought it would make Brandon change. Here I am 4 days in and I realize he is not the only one who needed to change. How can this book show me in 4 days what I should have known all along. I blamed him for things that are obviously my fault. Yes, he needs to change don't get me wrong I am not the only problem in this marriage but I am a big part if it. I never realized that I am very selfish. I thought all this time that I think more about my husband than I do myself and honestly I can say that now I was wrong. The biggest thing I have learned already is that I am the most impatient person especially when it comes to my husband. If he does one thing or says one thing out of line or something I don't like I snap. I yell and get mad and make him feel like an idiot and I hate myself for ever making him feel like that. I married a wonderful man and it's time I remember that and appreciate it before I lose him. Kaci is the best thing that ever happened to me but I need to remind myself that without Brandon there would be no Kaci. I could have had a baby with anyone but she would not be the perfect angel she is...she would not have his perfect nose and his cute grin and that widows peak in her hair...the things that make her my baby would not exist without my husband. He goes to work everyday to provide a home for me and my daughter and even lets my mother who has cancer live with us and doesn't complain a bit. When he is sick or has a cold he still goes to work. Yes he is tight with money to a really rediculous point but I am thankful for that because sometimes if it weren't for him being tight with money I might spend it all. We got married quickly and a month later we got pregnant...we never got the honeymoon stage that most couples get and we have ALOT of stress on us that people who have only been married a year don't have most of the time. It's hard. We make the best of it but our marriage is suffering from the stress of our daily life. I am severely depressed about alot of things lately I I take it out on Brandon. For no reason at all. Just because he is there. And I never EVER wanted to be that kind of person. I love him so much it hurts sometimes...and lately because of this book I am remembering the old days before we got married when we first got together and them months after that we just couldn't even keep our hands off each other. I swear sometimes I would just look at him and stare because I couldn't understand how someone so wonderful would want anything to do with me. And since we got married I have forgotten that feeling. But since starting this book I have a better respect and more understanding of him and I swear I catch myself staring at him the same way again. I find myself wanting to kiss him more and just wanting to hold him and let him know that I do love him and I am sorry if I ever made him feel otherwise. Although I am only 4 days in and have learned so much already I am going to finish the 40 days and learn more and strengthen my marriage even more because I love my husband and I made a promise to be with him forever and I fully intend to keep that promise if he will let me. I hope at the end of all this he realizes that he and Kaci are my world and I couldn't imagine spending eternity with anyone else.