Early warning for those who don't want to read me jumping around like crazy. Although I dunno if it will jump around or not... I really don't plan these posts ahead of time I just sit down at my keyboard and type away my thoughts....so here we go.
I miss rocking Kaci to sleep. I miss being able to ask her for a kiss and not having to fight her for one. I miss my baby...someone has replaced her with a toddler. I won't lie the extra hour at night that I don't have to rock her has been nice...but honestly I miss her. That was our cuddle time but now she doesn't want it anymore she wanted to be a big girl and just go lay in bed and put herself to sleep...It broke my heart but I knew she was ready. Next is the pacifier...which I honestly won't miss. But, it is that one piece of her surgery that is still there except her scar of course...but the paci was Kaci's only source of comfort for 3 weeks while she was in the hospital. She was not able to be fed ANYTHING except IV fluids and antibiotics so she became attached to that thing. And I have not had the heart to take it away from her since. She only takes it when she is sleeping now but still I know how some people feel about it...she is 18 months old now so its getting that time...but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Everytime I take it out of her mouth or try to make her go to sleep without it she cries...and I remember her laying in that hospital room in the incubator not able to be held yet cause of all the wires and the only thing that gave her any sort of comfort was that paci...I can't do it. Some may look at it as me being an uncaring mom but honestly if you look at the reason I won't take it away you will know that the reason I won't take it away from her is because I love her so much...I just don't know.
Lately I have also been looking around at the people in my life and I think its time for some house cleaning. I just look at these people and they are going nowhere with their lives. Drugs and partying...such a waste. Maybe I am just different from some of the people I know but when I met Brandon and I had Kaci...my life changed.Not only because I believe that it had to but because I wanted it to. I thought about the things that matter most in life and if I wanted to keep those thing in my life then things had to change. Smoking weed all the freaking time...really where is that going to get you? Jail? No marriage? No kid? It doesn't seem worth it to me. And honestly that whole lifestyle doesn't seem even remotely appealing to me. They are living like we are still in high school. Those are all things we did back then. Before our children...before our marriages...before we grew up...or before I thought we grew up...apparently I did but some people are stuck in their old ways and its getting OLD to me. I can't put myself around it anymore. Its bad enough in my eyes to do drugs when have kids but when you do them when they are around...thats a line that you just don't cross. But, I suppose some people will never learn. I grew up I just wish they would follow but I expect to much from people I guess...I love these people but for the well being of my child and husband and myself I just can't be around them anymore. It's to much for me.
I am lucky though... I have a wonderful best friend who is on the same page as me. Who is at the exact same place in her life as me and is as fed up with immature people as I am. Chloe...she is just my best friend...She doesn't do drugs she doesn't get drunk all the time she doesn't have any interest in partying or being stupid...she is just a mom and wife just like me and we love our lives...it may sound boring to some but seriously I love it. I love not getting high...I love not partying...I love being a mommy and a wife...I love it all... and I love my best friend. She keeps me going. We been through alot and I know lots of people get mad because we are so close and because I hang with her instead of going out with them but in the end she was there when none of them were. She was my rock through the hardest of times and the best of times. She never deserted me when someone else came along. She was always there. And I am so lucky to have her. And she loves my child like she was her own and I feel the same about her children...I love them so much.
Well I told you this post might be all over the place... I think I kept it pretty solid though. If I didn't sorry just needed to get some things off my chest.
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2 comments:
I know exactly what you mean on all fronts. I miss rocking my boys. All of them stopped letting me rock them around 6-9 months old. It is heart breaking at time.
I also did some house cleaning after i became a mom. I dumped a lot of old friends and made a lot of new ones that i had more in common with. I hope you are able to find peace with that decision and a load of new friends.
:) love you too!!!
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