Its been one of those days...

My life has been great lately. Today was going fine then 2 girls had to go and start drama and TRY to ruin the string of good days I am having. But ya know what I am proud of myself. I held my ground and stood up for myself. I didn't let them get to me and I feel great about the situation now. The only thing that slightly got me upset was being called a bad mother and finding out that this girl said my OWN MOTHER said I was a bad mom...YEA RIGHT. My mother would never say that and my mom is actually ROYALLY pissed cause this girl lied on her. My mom told me yes, I made a mistake but its done with and all the parties involved and the ones that weren't involved in the beginning but want to get in it..need to grow up and get lives. I mean seriously who sits at their house and thinks oh lets call Brittany and let me listen in and see if she says anything about me...You know who does that?? High schoolers... OH WAIT...Middle schoolers. My cheerleaders are more mature than that lol. But, back on subject I thought for a second...Am I a bad mother? I talked to my friend Jessica and asked her and I told her to be blunt. And she says Im not...she is right I need to speak up to my daughters doctor more but I let the whole doctor thing intimidate me lol. But its like Jess said I notice things when they are different in Kaci. I noticed when she wasnt eating when she got home from the hospital I knew something was wrong. And just the past 2 days i noticed Kaci is pooping alot more...If I didnt take care of my daughter how would I have noticed these things? I wouldn't have. And then I talked to my mom and mom said I am a great mother. No, im not perfect but hey who is really? The person who is accusing me of this isnt a perfect mother either so I don't know why she judges me. I feel like she is kinda mad cause I have a husband and mom to help me out. Its like she resents me for not doing this on my own. I am doing it the right way im married. I have a husband who is amazing. We have ups and downs but I was honest with him about alot of things and we worked through it and because of this whole situation we are so much stronger together. I don't know what else I can do about the situation. My mom says I dont pawn my daughter off on her...here lately she has came to me a few times and said Brittany can I rock Kaci?? lol its funny. Mom enjoys being with Kaci...but so do I and here lately its been just me and her. She goes to cheerleading with me and sleeps with me and Brandon at night more...She was napping in moms bed at night for about 3 hours but that has stopped. Mom actually came in about an hour ago and asked if Kaci could sleep with her tonight lol. I let her cause Kaci brings so much joy to mom. But, she is gonna call me when Kaci wakes up so I can get up with her instead of her cause mom needs to rest. Life is just steady been getting better since the whole situation happened...I dont think thats coincidence ya know ? I wish no harm on these girls but I just dont wish to have them in my life anymore...We are better off without each other.
Well I am so sore from cheerleading we made up the competition dance and you gotta do like squats and knee spins and everything in it and I did it like 50 million times tonight so I am about ready to just topple over lol. I am gonna go get in bed with the hubs and enjoy the few hours I have in my bed without being squished in between Kaci and Brandon even though I wouldnt want to be squished between ANY other people lol.

<3Brittany

New Ideas...

So I have decided that since this blog is sort of like a way for me to keep up with Kaci's growings and new things she does every week I will write her a letter in here. I mean I have been doing this since I was 11 weeks pregnant with her and plan to keep going for a while and when she is older I will get it published for her so she can see what all mommy went through while pregnant with her and when she was born and beyond. I know I randomly write letters to her on here but now this is set goal of mine to write her a letter every week since she is doing such new things lately. So here goes...

Dear My Kaci,

This week you have been especially adorable. I don't know why but you seem to be acting shy around people you don't recognize. You have a new smile...that is just as amazing as your regular smile. You melt mommys heart everytime you shoot that cute little grin her way. Mommy was in the hospital last night with a kidney stone and a kidney infection so when mommy got home from the hospital daddy let mommy rest and you and him spent all day together on his day off. You really are starting to enjoy daddy. You were somewhat apprehensive at first because he works alot and isn't home with you as much and mommy and mimi are. But, it had gotten better and you now smile when you hear his voice. It makes daddy so happy. I can really tell he loves you so much. We switched you to size 3 diapers this week. The size 2's fit but they seemed a bit tight so I figured its best for you to be comfy. The 3' fit perfectly and they dont seem to be cutting off circulation in your big ol' thighs hehe. You went to cheerleading practice with mommy tonight and lets just say that didn't go very well. You didn't want mommy to put you down (I don't think you ever want me to honestly) and all the girls seemed to huddle around you and scared you. So you were cranky but we made it through. On the way home mommy had to pull over on the side of the road and get you out of your carseat and rock you to sleep because you were screaming so loud that you were choking yourself. You were so tired and restless. But we made it through. I am wondering really what is gonna happen on October 17th when mommy and mimi go see Dane Cook. Daddy doesnt feel comfortable staying with you by himself at night since you seem to get very cranky at night and only want mommy. So I am still a little worried. I am sure I will figure something out though. Well my love I think that is all for this week. I am going to go lay down in bed with you and daddy. I love you so much my angel.


<3 Mommy

Update on my mommy and other things...

Mom went to Vanderbilt today. I guess we got...news? They did another CT scan to see if it was in fact her gallbladder. If it is...we are out of luck. Since she has liver cancer stage 4 she NEEDS her gallbladder whether it is inflamed or not its better for her to have it in than out...The doctor told her point blank her liver would shut down while she was on the operating table. So lets pray its not her gallbladder. Her spleen and pancreas are also enlarged...not sure what we are gonna do about this yet. At this point her liver is still functioning...its functioning very slow and not the best it could be but its still working. So we are taking it one day at a time. She is gonna keep going routinely to get her levels checked and if it gets the the point where she is getting so bad she needs a new liver...we will be moving to Florida to get closer to the mayo clinic so when they have her new liver we can be there within a an hour or so instead of like 6 hours. So i may be moving to Florida within the next few years...but not permanently. Mom just has to have a caretaker living with her down there. They pay for her a place to live and everything. Please just pray for her. It would be greatly appreciated !
In other news Kaci is still amazing. We had a day to ourselves today. Mom was at Vanderbilt and Brandon was at work so it was me and Kaci in the house all day by ourselves ! I loved it. We played and laughed and napped and cuddled. It was nice. I love her so much !
Anyways...Just wanted to update. Things are going okay. Also, I stay up all night last night scaring the hell out of myself reading about what is "supposed" to happen in 2012...
Love you guys !
Brittany<3

I got nothing...

I was trying to think of something really neat and interesting to write about today in my blog but alas...I got nothing. It has been far to normal around my house lately and its kinda weirded me out. I have gotten over the issues I wrote about last blog. I no longer run through my mind every few minutes thinking about it. I can't do it to myself. It's not fair for me to live like that when I feel like I did something that was right.
Anyways, Kaci is getting big. I can't believe my little 7 lb baby is already 16 lbs. Where did it go? Where did my baby go? She used to just be a blob. She would sleep and eat and poop. Now she laughs,rolls,talks,sticks her tongue out,kisses her mommy, sits up on her own, jumps in her jumperoo....I could go on and on about how much she has changed. I don't like it. I understand now why women get pregnant again so soon after having a baby...you miss the baby !!!! I feel like I blinked and she is already almost 5 months old. I guess I did miss the first 3 weeks of her life cause she was in Vanderbilt. I still can't believe all that happened. My little baby has already been through more in her life then some people go through their whole lives. Its crazy to me.
But, like I said I dont have much to say. I am not feeling well at all today so I am gonna go lay down with my little Jellybean !
Brittany<3

New beginnings ?

My husband and I had a huge fight over the past few days....in matter of 3 days we went from happily married to seperated and talking about divorce. I hate it. I really do. I thought for the longest time that I as unhappy with him. I even talked to an ex boyfriend who actually tried to get me to leave brandon for him...and I think I actually thought about it.
But then last night happened. We fought,we argued, we cried, and we made up. Just those few days without him laying next to me in the bed...killed me. Granted he was int he living room he wasnt in my arms...where he belongs. I'm slowly realizing its not him im unhappy with...its myself...and my problems. Him and Kaci are the only 2 good things I have going for me right now. I need him. It's not a fact of wanting him anymore I realized last night I need him. He is the other half of my heart...he is my smile...my laugh...my love.
Without him I am only half a person. I know it sounds stupid and cliche' but thats how I feel...I feel like if there is such a thing as a soulmate he is mine. He was put on this earth and made by God especially for me. And all the other losers before him were just good place holders until the real thing showed up and swept me off my feet.
And then he gave me the other piece of my heart. The part that walks outside my body...well she doesnt walk yet....but she rolls outside my body right now. She smiles and laughs and says "mama" and she is the reason I wake up in the mornings. She is my entire reason for existence. When I hold her in my arms and she looks into my eyes I know there is a God...there has to be to have created something so perfect and gave it me. I believed in love at first sight as soon and she came into my life. Out of each and every one of my imperfections I created perfection. I love her...with my whole heart and soul.
Brittany<3

I'm not ready for this ....

My mom sat me down to talk today about what to do once she dies. She doesn't want to be cremated. She also told me that before she dies she is going to get very sick. Probably so sick that she doesn't want me to see her. So she says she is going to go live in Smyrna with my aunt so she can take care of her till she goes.
I'm not ready for this. I am 20 years old I am not ready to lose her. I don't want to do this. I can't do this I am not strong enough to do this. I have been breaking down ever since she talked to me about it. I AM NOT READY !!!
It's not fair.
I can't do this.
Please God...Someone...help me.
I am losing it.
Brittany<3

Sooner or later...

I knew that I would get tired of it. I knew that I would eventually let people run over me one to many times and I would snap...Now is the time. I will not go into details but my "best friend" does this to me all the time and then apologizes a few days later and thinks that makes up for treating me like crap. I am done now. She has her issues and claims I wasnt there for her but I have issues of my own. I had a daughter running a fever all day and my mom couldnt get out of bed today due to her gallbladder hurting her like crazy. I begged her to go to the hospital and she wouldn't. Well in the midst of all this I forgot to call Chloe. Ya know I have other things on my mind as well and calling her was not at the top of the list. I am tired of it. I hate this...
To top it off my dad is back in jail...awesome.
FML

Oh gosh...

My child got her shots yesterday and she was so cranky. She woke up this morning with a slight fever so its been a hectic 2 days. Along with that ... My cousin Ashley who I coach cheerleading with said some very hurtful things to me cause I couldnt come to the game cause Kaci was riunning a fever and just wanted to be held BY ME ! nobody else could calm her down. She called me basically a bad mother and that I was just looking for an excuse to get out of the game. Need I remind you that she didnt come to the game last week because she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend and she wasnt gonna come this weekend because she was going to Kentucky Kingdom. After she borrowed 20 dollars from me cause she didnt have any money to last her till she got paid again but she has ennough to pay for gas to go to kentucky and stuff...I dont get it. So I am thinking I will probably go to practice monday and tell the girls bye myself and then leave...cause I can't go on like that with her treating me like crap because my child isn't feeling well. Kaci comes first PLAIN AND SIMPLE she doesnt understand cause she doesnt have a child.
So thats pretty much ruined my entire weekend. To top all the off my ovary hurts still. So I am just not having a good day today.
Please jsut pray I find the strength to get through all this.
Brittany<3

A is for Active and B is for Bunny...

My friend Jessica saw this on Mamabears blog and has started doing this with her. I think it is a wonderful thing and just another way to keep up a sort of scrap book for my amazing baby. We will be working our way through the alphabet. Last week they started A and I missed that and this week is B so I am just combining them.



So here we go. A is for Active.
My little angel has been so crazy lately. I remember just yesterday when she was a few weeks old and she just slept and ate and pooped and peed. That was it. Nowadays we take 1 3 hours nap in the middle of the day and two 30 minute naps and thats it...the rest of the day she is awake. We play and she giggles and jumps in her jumperoo as you saw in my post with the video. I can't believe she is 4 months old. Tomorrow is her 4 month appointment. She was originally supposed to be getting 5 shots but thanks to my wonderful best friend Jess she will only be getting 2. The DTaP and Hep B. The other will be given at later dates. She WILL BE getting every vaccine they will just be spaced out to 2 shots every 2 months. Except the rotavirus which I have read causes intestines to rotate and we all know I have ever reason to be a little leary about this.



And now B is for Bunny.
Why bunny? You might ask...well here goes. Brandon and I have called each other bunnies since we got together.. I have no clue where it came from or why its so special to us but thats what we call each other in the place of baby lol. Well when we had Kaci she became our baby bunny. And thats one of her nicknames now. Its just something special between us.

I'll learn how to make the pictures from Jess tomorrow hopefully.
Hope ya'll enjoy.
Brittany<3

I'm never good enough...

I feel this way. It hurts alot. In my life I have had so many people come in and out of my life...nobody seems to wanna stick around. I have stuck by my friend for 2 years while she had not left the house. I would travel the 45 minutes from my apartment to her house and sit with her all day long just because she didn't want to be alone but she had anxiety so bad that she couldn't go past her driveway. Now, she is starting to leave the house not very far but she goes places. And now that she does...I have kinda been put on the back burner. I feel like I was just a nice place holder until she could start getting out then she can hang with the other people that wouldn't stick by her or who weren't there. It used to be all like oh Brittany you wanna come hang out? Now its well me and so and so are hanging out but you can come if you want...Yea I feel like I fit in real well with your skank ass friend. Thanks. And cause I have a 4 month old child that I don't want outside in the damn hot ass sun while I tan she doesn't seem to wanna hang out either. She says I stay in the house to much... well I love being in my home. I am not a fan of the outdoors especially when it comes to my 4 month old daughter sweating and crying the whole time wanting to go inside. I can't just beat my child half to death when she cries. She has every reason to cry...she is hot and wants to go inside. Out side she can get ate up with bugs and everything. I'm sorry I sound like a whiner but gosh I just needed to vent. I'm tired of having friends for a while then they find something better and out I go. I think I am a good friend. I am loyal and I love all my friends. They know they can come talk to me about anything. But, here I am might as well be friendless...The only person who shows any interest in being my friend anymore is Jessica...and she is a million miles away. I guess I'm just destined to be alone. This is ridiculous I need to shut up...I'm just so tired its 3:30 in the morning and I need to go to sleep but I am up stressing to the max about nothing obviously.

I'm just stupid.
Brittany<3

Dear Ovary...

Please stop hurting !! lol

Okay so I have a cyst on my ovary...yay me. I got one when I was pregnant but it went away and haven't heard anything from it since. Now I have one on my left ovary. It hurts. I ended up in the ER the other night for severe pain and they gave me morphine...wow I was gone. Then they sent me home saying there was nothing they could really do except give me pain pills and send me on my way. So thats just what they did. They gave me a few percocet...now when you have to take 2 of those a day just to help the pain go away 12 do not last very long at all. So now I gotta go to the doctor tomorrow to get yet again more pain pills... not that I don't love pain pills (im not a junkie lol but hey who doesnt like the feeling?) but I wish something else could be done...it hurts bad and my mom had one rupture when she was my age and she almost died. I'm scared of having the same outcome or possibly worse.
But, lets not think about it. My little angel is growing so fast. She played in her jumperoo last night for 30 minutes and I videotaped her a little. She is such a funny baby. Her face when she jumps is hilarious. Hope you guys enjoy !

Click Me

3 in the morning....

I couldn't sleep so I got up and got on the net. Talking to a friend of mine I realized how quickly my priorities changed when I became a mommy. I used to go shopping and all I thought about was buying things for myself. I love spending money its one of my favorite things to do and I used to love spending it on myself. Now, I could careless whether I get new clothes... All I do is think about her. I just spent 40 bucks on pajamas for her online and I got a sling to carry her in for 50 dollars from this site. I can't wait to get them in the mail. Its gonna be like Christmas to me. I cant wait to unwrap my sling and put her in it and carry her around. We are going to the chatanooga aquarium soon and it will be perfect to carry her around in. I cant wait. Life is good.
Its nice to have a friend like Jess to talk to. We feel the same about alot of things when it comes to our children. She is an excellent mother and I value her opinion so much. I look up to her... I always have its weird. She isn't that much older than me but I seriously look up to her. She is so smart and just a WONDERFUL mom. I couldn't ask for a better friend. She calls me on my bullshit and tell me when something isn't right and doesnt critisize me about my decisions. I am so thankful she helped me get my vaxxing schedule just perfect to where I felt comfortable with it enough to talk to her pediatrician about. Before I really didn't have a plan of action I just knew I wanted to delay the vaxxing or space it out. I got Kaci her 2 month shots and all the combo shots just aren't for me. So jess helped me come up with a plan of action on how I want to do it and I really am thankful for it cause without her I would be putting stuff in my childs body without even knowing what I was putting in there. God definitely put he in my life for a reason and I can't wait til she lives closer again cause I miss her so much.
Okay now that I have gone all hallmark on ya I gotta get to bed. Night guys.
Brittany<3

One year today..

Last year on this day I saw this...


I never really posted the story of how I found out so I guess its about that time.
On September 4,2008 I woke up REALLY early. That whole week I had been feeling very nauseated but there was a stomach bug going around so I chalked it up to that. I had also been getting up really early that whole week which was unusual. I had heard that in early pregnancy your sleep patterns may change. But, anyways I woke up around 7 that morning and my mom was up getting ready for work. Brandon was still out of town. I got up and I had a sudden urge and craving for bacon and eggs. I am never hungry early in the morning so this struck me as wierd too. So mom said she would fix me some cause she makes the best eggs and bacon and toast but we didnt have any bread so I ran to the drug store right across the street. While I was there something told me to buy a pregnancy test. I figured I would take it just to put it out of my mind since I was only 2 days late which wasn't unusual. So I went home and mom fixed me the food and I forgot to take the test. I went and laid back down and took a nap and when I woke up I said what the heck I will go ahead and take it. Well I peed on it and sat it down and walked into my bedroom and walked back in and by the time I got back in there the second line had appeared. I was totally freaking out. I was home alone and I jsut saw a positive pregnancy test. I started crying and called my mom. When I got on the phone with her the convo went something like this...
Mom-"hey Brittany"
Me-"MOM !!! I NEED YOU TO COME HOME !!"
Mom-"why? whats wrong"
Me-"I just took a pregnancy test and its positive mom I think its positive !!! What do I do?"
Mom-"Your lying to me Brittany please dont be joking"
And I wasn't I jumped in my car and took off to wal-mart. When I got there the test had faded a little but you could still see it. Mom still didn't wanna get her hopes up since it was so faint. And everyone there kinda said its a bit to faint to tell so they didn't think I was. So I made an appointment with this place called the pregnancy crisis center and they could get me in that night at 6. Well, I called Brandon and he was in total shock and disbelief. He jumped in his truck and drove 3 and 1/2 hours home to come go with me. I was so sure that test was wrong I wasn't even excited for the visit. We got there and I took the test and the woman said "I see 2 lines!" And I said no you dont !! NO YOU DONT !!! OH my gosh Im gonna have a baby !!! Thank you God !!!!! I was crying so hard. I wanted a baby so bad and I was told I would have a hard time having babies so I was so happy. I came out cause Brandon couldnt go back there with me. I came out with this piece of paper and a sad look on my face and he was like oh its negative and I popped the piece of paper out and it had positive circled ! He got this huge smile on his face and hugged me. We called my mom and my mom said so give it to me gently. Brandon said well I am holding a piece of paper that say positive on it your gonna be a grandma. And she SCREAMED at the top of her lung and bawled her eyes out. She was so happy. I think she was happier than we were.
But, thats the story. its nothing extravagant but it is so important to me. I remember my feelings that day and I just cant describe the happiness I felt. So in a year we went from that positive pregnancy test to this...

She is my everything. My whole heart. The smile is the reason I wake up in the morning. Gosh I am so blessed.
Brittany<3

Sometimes there are no words...

I just saw the most horrific thing in my whole life. I am warning you this is VERY graphic so if you don't want to hear it stop reading now and don't watch the video because it has graphic images... I was on my birth board and there was a post about This video so I watched it. Its a news story about a baby girl. She would be 6 years old now. Her name was Brianna. When she was less than 6 months old her parents abused her. Not only did they abuse her. They raped her. Her uncle and father. They bit her and threw her to the ceiling and let her plop down to the ground. I have never felt so much hate for people in my whole life. Its hitting me so hard cause this little girl was around Kacis age right now. And not only that...she looks like my daughter. I looked at her face with the bruises and I saw her little face...my heart broke into a thousand pieces. She was innocent. She was perfect. She was a gift from God. And they killed her. Not only did they kill her they tortured her. There are no words left in me...I still sit here stunned and in shock that someone could do this. I hate these people. They deserve the death penalty. No that is not even good enough. They deserve the worst kind of death. But, they only got 18 years. 18 years in jail for taking the life of an innocent little baby. I am going to go cuddle with my daughter and hug her and kiss her. I just wanted to post this so everyone would remember baby Brianna. Know that she was beautiful and innocent and is now in heaven with God. And I can only hope there is a special place in hell reserved for those who hurt her.