Things are looking up I suppose. I dunno what is going on with me lately. I think I am in denial about how depressed I really am. I noticed a slight change in myself but here lately I snap at EVERYONE. Mainly my husband. I try really hard to control myself but I just have so much on my mind lately that I lose it sometimes. I don't know what to do about that. I have always had somewhat of an anxiety issue and of course I have always had issues with my body ever since middle school. I have told my best friend Chloe about my anorexia and she is understanding and doesn't judge me for it. I was in denial about that as well. I kept telling myself I am just watching my weight...but truth is I go days without eating and when my mom and Brandon realize I am not eating and they basically force me to eat I lie and say I am gonna run to town to get something to eat and I just go driving around for 30 minutes and say I stopped at Chloes house and ate. I had this problem before I got pregnant and fatter but now its even worse than it was. I have never told anyone but Chloe about it and thats really only cause she noticed it and I kept making up excuses and lies about it and she would catch me in them.
I don't want anyone to think I am wanting attention so I keep to myself about things like that. And about the depression.
I finally broke down and told Brandon tonight how unhappy I was with pretty much everything lately and he held me while I cried and told me he would do anything in his power to help me to get happy again but really I don't think there is anything he can do. Is there anything anyone can do?
I need someone who understands what I am going through to just help me...ANYONE PLEASE !!
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Oh love these are the times where i really do wish i was closer! I am not going to say it gets better because better is such a wishy washy term and means different things to different people. What i will say is that that situation can improve. I am going to give you several things that i did and i think you should do if you feel up to it.
First please know that i have been exactly where you are. I have talked to you and I am sure you have read in my blog about my fight with PPD. There are thousands of us who have been there and can relate to exactly how you feel. So if nothing else please remember you are not alone.
The next thing i would suggest you do, you have started to do already. I spent months trying to deal with the depression myself (alone)and it only got worse. When you start to tell people (and this applies to your anorexia as well) you no longer have to be alone in this. You can have people to talk to even if they don't quite understand. I would suggest that you dive into our parenting group online. I know you had joined but hadn't said much. There are many of us in that group who have battles PPD and several who still deal with anxiety everyday. You need to build a support group of ladies you can trust who do understand even if it is through words on a screen. Don't be afraid to be brutally honest with them/us. We are all here as mothers/wives to support one another.
The last thing i would say is talk to your doctor. I know how embarrassing it can be but the best thing you can do is let them know what is going on and they will help you with a plan to get well. Trust me they have been doctors for awhile and there is nothing they have not heard before. As my doctor told me, she can usually guarantee she has heard a lot worse then what you could even think of. Doctor's are there to help us and even though it is hard to take help sometimes we have to go beyond ourselves and do what we know in our heart is best for us.
As mothers we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and we always choose to put everyone else before us. It is the hardest thing we ever have to do to learn that if we are not well we are no good to anyone else. You have to be strong to make the ones you love strong.
I hope i was of some help. I know it all sounds easier to do than it actually is but these are some good steps to take to get you in the right direction. I will keep praying for you and your family. Loves n Hugs!!!
Brittany -
You don't know me in real life but I've been reading your blog for a while now. I came to blogger tonight to write this very same post.
I gave birth to my son about the same time that you gave birth to your beautiful daughter. And while my issues are somewhat different, I completely understand how you feel.
I can't get myself out of this emotional hole that I've been in for the last three or four weeks. It's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, my mother, my friends, my family and I'm terrifed that my amazing baby boy will pick up on my unhappiness. So I pretend that I'm happy, which only makes me feel worse. I've lost my job, my self esteem and body image are in the gutter - I'm miserable with myself and I can't figure out how to be happy with anyone or anything. My only source of joy is my baby and I don't think that's healthy.
You're not alone, people do understand. I'm going to call my doctor in the morning and find out what the first step is in climbing out of this hole that I'm in. Have you thought about doing that?
I'm envious of the support that your husband is trying to give you; don't push him away. He may not be able to understand completely but it sounds like he's trying to be a rock for you and that is such a good thing.
Lean on those around you, know you're not alone and kiss that beautiful baby girl. I keep hearing that there are brighter days ahead for me and I can't help but think the same for you.
Hugs,
Janelle
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