4 in the morning !!

I really need to sleep. I have so much on my mind I just can't though. It's not like I am depressed or upset or anything...I don't really know my issue. I'll get over it I suppose.
Anyways in other news...I got a blackberry curve today. I felt like a big loser cause I was so excited to get that thing lol. I had a Palm Centro Smartphone and I hated that thing. I had it for like 3 months lol. The blackberry is WAY cooler though.
My daughter laughed out loud today. It was an amazing sound. I got so giddy like it was Christmas !! She is so cranky these days. This teething thing really sucks. I had so much I had to do today and I couldnt do but one of those things because she SCREAMED the whole time we were in town and I didn't want to torture her. She is getting to where she fights her sleep and she cries real tears now that her tear duct open up and it breaks my heart.She pushes her bottom lip out just like I do when I am mad...it is the cutest thing !



See !!! How in the world could you stay mad at that face lol !! I love her so much. She has gotten to where she wants her mommy all the time. And while it bothers me sometimes because I have things I gotta do... I also secretly love it !! Gosh I love that she is a mommys girl. I tried to tell Brandon she would be and he just wouldn't listen...When she wakes up and sees its me laying next to her she just smiles and gets all happy. I love waking up next to her. I said I would NEVER co-sleep but ya know what that was the only way I could get her to sleep when she got home from the NICU. She just wanted to be cuddled all the time and I wanted to cuddle with her because I had missed her so much so therefore we co-sleep and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't sleep if she isn't beside me. I know people say that the kids will want to sleep with you forever but ya know I slept with my mom til I was like 4 or 5 then I went and slept in my own bed and had no issues. If she wants to sleep with us till she is 4 or 5 I am fine with that.
There goes our sex life right? But, I like having her in there with me. She is the best cuddler. Her favorite way to sleep is on my chest laying on her tummy. She is a major tummy sleeper and with the risk of SIDS being so high while they are on their tummies I just let her sleep on my chest that way she feels me breathing and I can feel her breathing and we both sleep like babies lol. It took some major getting used to cause I never slept on my back but now that we are going that route I wouldnt wanna sleep any other way. Although my hubby is off on the weekends so he gets up with her in the mornings and lets me sleep in till noon which is like the BEST !! He is wonderful. We have had a few more issues the past few days but its mainly cause I am pmsing lol .
Anyways I will shut up and finally go to bed before Kaci wakes up again lol.
Brittany<3




Kaci watching Scarface in her bumbo seat lol !

Its about time.

Things are getting better by the day. I am embracing things and taking it one day at a time. Its nice to know that I have people that generally care about my well-being. Having my friends be there for me has been great. Kaci is teething...Wow she is so freaking cranky. It kills me to see her in pain. I gave her some teething tablets and that seemed to help a little. We had us a bath and she drank some water and passed out about an hour ago. She hasnt slept well for 3 days so its nice to actually see her in a deep sleep. My poor baby. I swear she is amazing. She has said MiMi a total of 10 times now loud and clear so I know she is meaning to say it. I know people will think I am crazy but my mother and husband have heard it as well. My mom will look at her and say "Say MiMi!" And Kaci will say "MiMi" Its just amazing.
I don't have much more to say so I'll just leave ya with this for all the moms....

Before I was a mom I never learned the words to a lullaby. I never thought about immunizations, I had never been puked on, pooped on, drooled on, chewed on, or peed on.I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. Never got gloriously happy over a simple little grin. I never sat up for hours watching a baby sleep. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a mom. Before I was a mom... I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

New Beginnings.

I was talking with my best friend Chloe earlier tonight and I realized exactly why she is my best friend. I swear she makes me feel so good about myself and doesn't try to make me feel crazy for feeling the things I feel or doing the things I do. She never once has judged me for my decisions and supports me to the fullest extent of everything I do whether it has to be with my marriage,my life, my daughter... EVERYTHING !! She loves me despite of all my stupid idiotic mistakes I have made and will make and I love her !! I hope I can be half as a good a friend to her as she has been to me.
So onto my post. Speaking with Chloe earlier she got me questioning alot of things. We were mostly talking about my marriage and if I was happy. Ya know I have been back and forth with my marriage lately. I have been so confused as to whether I really love him or if I am just staying around for our daughter. He isn't perfect...he is so far from perfect it is pathetic. He is not the best father...he could do more. He is not that most romantic man on the planet... actually he is probably one the least romantic people I have ever met. He gets on my nerves and sometimes does things I dont understand or like. He is goofy as hell and is a big nerd and does things that are so far from sexy its sad....but ya know what...despite all of that. I am so undeniably and unbelievably in love with him. I came in to the house tonight and all my questions were answered when I saw him and kissed his lips. Yes, I am in love with him. No matter how mad I get at him and how much he bugs me...I love that stupid big smile that he gets on his face when he gets a good hand at poker. I love that horribly LOUD laugh he makes when he is watching super troopers. I love that when he looks at me...I can look in his eyes and know that he is thinking that he loves me so much. I love those eyes. Those big brown eyes that I could stare into for hours. I can feel his love. I can feel that he loves me and would do anything for me. So yes I am in love with him and WE will make out marriage work. I am gonna talk to him about my issues and I know he will be understanding and try to change because he does love me. If things don't work out then I know we gave it our best shot but I truly believe that he is my one and only. Cause I cannot picture my life without him because Kaci and him are my life. The God's honest truth is I feel like my heart would stop beating if I didn't have him. The thought of him with someone else...kills me. He is mine. My husband , my partner, the father of my child, and my best friend. Forever...
Brittany<3

Enough is Enough !!!

I am done being depressed. I am done letting my father make me upset any longer. And I am done feeling bad about my body. Ya know what I love my new body. You wanna know why? Because that beautiful little miracle that is laying next to me gave me this body. She lived inside me for 9 months we were one person. And when she looks up at me and smiles because she knows I am her mommy it makes everything worthwhile. I am so undeniably in love with her its crazy. I cant get enough of her lately. We spent all day together today just me and her and we just enjoyed each other. She had her 2 month shots yesterday so she has been very clingy but she doesnt want anyone but me. And that does my heart good. She loves her mommy so much!!
It makes Brandon mad though. He doesn't understand why she screams when he is holding her but I will take her from him and she is quiet automatically. I can tell it upsets him but he really doesn't spend that much time with her really. The most time he spent with her was this weekend he watched her while mom and I ran to town. I secretly love the fact that she loves me more hahaha ! Its not my fault he doesn't want to spend time with her because she really doesn't do much. I enjoy her so much. She is such a little diva lately haha ! I bought her a new bouncer because the one we had didn't bounce !!!!! SERIOUSLY !!! She hated it. This new bouncer is awesome and it was cheaper !!! It vibrates and she kicks her legs and it bounces herself. Its awesome. She just giggles and smiles. I love her little slobbery smile !!
I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am gonna enjoy my life!!! With or without my dad. And if Brandon keeps on the way he is...with or without him. I don't wanna say that but its reality. I am scared that my marriage will not work out. I want it to because I do love him...but I just need him to be there more. We feel more like friends who occasionally have sex and live together.Things will get better one way or another...I have what I need and that is my Kaci. She is the reason I breath. If fact and I am gonna go take her and lay her down next to me in bed and cuddle with her :)

P.s. Courtney thank you for being such a great friend to me. I know we don't know each other that well but you have been one of my best friends through some of this hard stuff. I hope one day we can meet cause I really enjoy talking to you. You make me feel so much better about everything :)

Dear Daddy,

Sometimes I wish I had the words to tell you how much you hurt me. You disappoint me so much and I am tired of feeling like you don't care. You promised that when you got out things would change. I see no change. You are still hurting me. You are still hurting Michael. And you are still hurting my mom. Why? Don't you love us? I am sitting here crying my eyes out because you don't understand how much I missed you. When you were in jail and you talked about how you were gonna change I really believed you. I defended you to mom and Michael and said you were gonna prove them wrong and look at us now. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for believing you. Growing up all I wanted was for you to be there. Just be there dad !! Just talk to me and tell me you love me. Put me before the drugs dad !!! Please !! I needed you and you weren't there. You may have been there physically but mentally you were nowhere to be found. I wish I knew what it was like to have a dad really be there for me growing up. The only time you ever showed any emotion towards me was when you were yelling at me or more like screaming at me...Why? Why weren't you there? Why were the drugs more important? Why are they still more important? Aren't we good enough? When you told me earlier today that you were getting back on that stuff and you didn't care how much it hurt me or anyone else...I couldn't believe you. You might as well have stabbed me because that would've probably hurt way less that you looking me directly in my eyes and saying that. Don't you want to be in your granddaughters life? You missed my wedding...you didn't walk me down the aisle like you were supposed to...you missed my high school graduation...you missed my pregnancy and the birth of you first grandchild. Not once have you told me that you were proud of me. My whole life you have never told me you were proud of me. Do you just not love me? Or do you just love yourself more?

I wish I could really say these things to you but I don't think you would care or be phased by it cause like you said earlier you don't care who you hurt as long as you get your precious drugs!! Did your drugs support you when you were in jail for almost 3 years? No, they are what put you there in the first place. Are they worth it daddy? Your gonna lose me and you don't even care.

Brittany<3

Dear. Kaci,

In light of some of the recent posts I have written I wanted to send you a special letter from me to you. I know one day you will read this and think that I am so unhappy since you have gotten here and let me tell you that that is not true. You are my source of happiness when I am having a bad day. To wake up next to you and be able to just stare at you...makes me incredibly happy. Anytime I think to myself that I can't do this anymore I take a glance at you and you smile at me and I forget all the sadness I ever felt. You make my life worthwhile. I look at you and sometimes find it hard to breath...I have never felt so much love for someone in my whole life. I never knew that you could love someone like this. When you cry because of a tummy ache or if you seem like your in some sort of pain I beg God to just put it on me. You scratched your face the other day and I just wished it had been me because you got so upset. Kaci, I want you to know that I don't regret having you. I will never EVER regret wanting you,loving you,having you...NOTHING ! You were worth every second of hurting and sickness during that pregnancy. The moment I pushed you out and they laid you on my belly and I heard that little cry...well lets just say it was love at first sight. I couldn't believe I created something so beautiful. How did something so perfect live inside me for 9 months. What I did to deserve you...I will never know. You are a perfect example of a true miracle. To look at you...you could never tell that you have been through so much in your short life but you have. You are so strong already. You show strength and courage just like your grandma. You are a fighter...you never gave up. Though you didn't get to eat when you were in the NICU for those few weeks you never gave them any trouble. You were a great baby and you still are to this very day. I couldn't ask for anything better. My angel I thank God everyday for you. I love you.

Midnight moonlight shining through the curtain lace.
Paints a perfect picture on your perfect face.
One sweet angel sleeping in my arms.
You are the promise I knew God would keep.
You are the gift that makes my world complete.
And you'll never know how much I love you.
But I'll keep on telling you my whole life through.
Now I believe in miracles and you're the reason why.
So dream on while I sing you my angels lullaby.

Brittany<3

Goodbye Michael Jackson...

He was amazing. I am sickened by reading and hearing people say that they are glad and happy that he died. That there is one less pervert and pedophile in this world. People are entitled to their opinion but mine is that Michael Jackson is a legend. He is a wonderful performer, a great singer and songwriter, and above all a loving and wonderful father. I know that Michael Jackson was accused of horrible things in his time but I feel in my heart that he is innocent of all those things. He loved children simply because children did not hurt him like adults did. I love Michael Jackson and ALL of his music and he will forever be remember by my for all the wonderful things he did and not for the horrible things he was accused of. After all the accusations and things said about you Michael...Maybe now they will finally leave you alone.

Brittany<3

It gets easier...right?

Things are looking up I suppose. I dunno what is going on with me lately. I think I am in denial about how depressed I really am. I noticed a slight change in myself but here lately I snap at EVERYONE. Mainly my husband. I try really hard to control myself but I just have so much on my mind lately that I lose it sometimes. I don't know what to do about that. I have always had somewhat of an anxiety issue and of course I have always had issues with my body ever since middle school. I have told my best friend Chloe about my anorexia and she is understanding and doesn't judge me for it. I was in denial about that as well. I kept telling myself I am just watching my weight...but truth is I go days without eating and when my mom and Brandon realize I am not eating and they basically force me to eat I lie and say I am gonna run to town to get something to eat and I just go driving around for 30 minutes and say I stopped at Chloes house and ate. I had this problem before I got pregnant and fatter but now its even worse than it was. I have never told anyone but Chloe about it and thats really only cause she noticed it and I kept making up excuses and lies about it and she would catch me in them.
I don't want anyone to think I am wanting attention so I keep to myself about things like that. And about the depression.
I finally broke down and told Brandon tonight how unhappy I was with pretty much everything lately and he held me while I cried and told me he would do anything in his power to help me to get happy again but really I don't think there is anything he can do. Is there anything anyone can do?
I need someone who understands what I am going through to just help me...ANYONE PLEASE !!

I need a vacation...

I just wanna get away. Please, don't get me wrong...I love my daughter more than life itself but sometimes it is so freaking tiring. I was so excited that my mom was gonna take her today so I could go to wal-mart and shot without having to take her in out and and all that stuff. I thought to myself "Wow, its sad when Walmart feels like a vacation.."
In other news I suppose my husband and I are okay again.Things just don't feel right anymore. I know this is personal but I mean I have no friends to talk to all this about so I am just gonna vent about it on here. I feel as if he is forcing himself to have sex with me. He never initiates sex anymore. I always have to kinda start rubbing on him and kissing on him to show him that I want to. Then once we start kissing that lasts about a minute. After that I please him for a few minutes and then we have sex for like all of 5-10 minutes. He doesn't seem interested in it at all anymore. He says its cause he has to work early so he just tries to hurry it up but he does the same thing on the weekends when he doesn't have to work early.
I feel like he doesn't love me anymore...
I love him but like I said I am starting to wonder if its enough anymore.I am unhappy plain and simple. I don't know if I am unhappy because of my marriage though. Its a number of things really. My body,my marriage, my mother in law(UGH), my mom starting this new chemo, my dad getting out...Lots of things are making me unhappy in general. I am fine when I am around people but when I am alone I lose it.
I am so lonely. Even when my husband is here I am lonely. Because he feels like he isn't here when he is. He comes home from work and eats and gets on his computer and plays poker till bedtime then he goes to bed. If I want cuddle time and kissing time I have to go to bed at the same time as him and initiate sex.
I am tired of feeling like I am having to force my husband to be intimate with me.
I don't know what to do anymore...
Brittany<3