Dear Kaci 5 years old...

Kaci, I don't know where to begin. I cannot even begin to describe my emotions. 5 years ago you came into this world and started changing lives from that moment on. When you were born it was hard to imagine how much our lives would change. You always know your children will grow up but you just never dream that it will be quite as fast as it is. 5 years used to feel like a lifetime and now it seems like in the blink of an eye you went from a fragile little baby to a beautiful young lady, its not enough to just tell you how proud I am of you and how blessed I feel to be your mom. 5 years ago when you had your surgery I can remember the uncertainty of the future. I can remember the moment the doctor told us "we just don't know the extent of the damage to her intestines."...thinking that we may not see you grow up. We didn't know if you would see your 5th birthday but here we are. You surprised us then and you continue to surprise us. Your spirit and your love for life is so precious to me and gives me the strength to get through even the hardest of times. So much changed 5 years ago when you came into my life. I always knew growing up that I wanted to be a mother but it seemed like when it finally came time for me to become one I was so unsure of myself. I remember the moment the doctor told me that I was going to be going over to the hospital to have you, I felt my stomach drop. Before that moment I was sure I was ready and then the doctor dropped the bombshell on us and I panicked ! Laying in that hospital bed for 23 hours just waiting anxiously for the moment you came out was the scariest and most amazing time in my entire life. Its such a weird feeling to try to explain but any mother out there knows what I mean and one day you will understand when you have your first baby. So many people tell me they have seen a huge change in my since I became a mother, that I am a better person now. Well baby, if I am a better person its only because YOU make me one. You give me a purpose on this earth. I don't know sometimes how I even existed in this life before you. Imagining a world not filled with your laughter and beauty...is almost too much for me to bear. I love you more than anything in this whole world. Its fitting that I post this on Mothers Day because the best Mothers Day gift I could ever get, is being your mom.

I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing...

Ever since the movie "Armageddon" came out I have loved the song "I don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith. I was 9 when the movie came out but literally from the moment I heard the song at the end of the movie I said that song would be played at my wedding. I can remember planning it all out in my head. I would be walked down the aisle at my beautiful beach wedding by my daddy into my new husbands arms to the amazing words of that song. Obviously, that song is pretty long and the aisle at the church I ended up getting married at wasn't quite long enough to fit even 30 seconds of the song to lol. I haven't thought much about the song for the last few years. I will hear it and I still think of my dreams I had for it but I guess I never thought about how much it would truly mean to me now. We are nearing the time of the year that will leave 6 months until Kaci Jades birthday. May 1st is and will forever be the best day of my life and I try to make every birthday special for her. But this next birthday will be super special...My baby will be 5. I don't know where time has went but I just want it to slow down. When I was pregnant reality never seemed to hit me that I would have a baby that would eventually grow up. You always just imagine them being little forever and now here I am wondering how the last 4 years flew by without me even blinking it feels like. The point of me talking about the song is that now the words have so much more meaning to me. The very first verse of the song is powerful enough in an of itself. "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing. Watch you smile while you are sleeping, while you're far away and dreaming.". I can't tell you the countless nights I have stayed awake just to watch Kaci sleep. Listening to her breath, feel of her chest to make sure she is breathing(as all parents do especially that first year). Its those small moments as a parent that I think I will miss the most when she is all grown up. This song just has meaning behind it that I don't think would've served the way I needed it to at my wedding. My wedding was beautiful without that song and I was able to get my words out to my husband through something I wrote instead. Now that I listen to the words of this song it just says all the things I try to get out during my letters to Kaci. I want to stay here in each small moment we get together and just be for a while. "I don't wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss" those words are perfect. I live for her smiles and her kisses. I wake each day for those things. I say all the time that I sometimes wonder if Kaci is real. Did I imagine her into existence? If I could've hand picked her I know that I would have. Her beautiful smile, her eyes that are as crystal blue as the ocean, her voice that is the most precious sound I have ever heard, her outgoing and bubbly personality, her strong will to have things the way she wants the, her sassy attitude at times, and her gentle and caring heart she has for all humans and animals. I feel so proud and so happy to be her mom. I couldn't imagine my life without her and I never want to.

What makes a mother?

I read something today. Something that really set a fire in my heart. I post on a message board some people on there are mothers and some are not. Someone who does not have children made a comment that hurt me so much it's almost to much to even think about. As I wrote in my last post my cousin recently lost her newborn son so its still very fresh in my mind. The comment this person made went along the lines of "a woman who loses a child during pregnancy or gives birth to a baby that passes away shortly after birth is not a mother...a mother raises their children. Changes diapers, wipes noses, feeds them, and cares for them and a woman who loses their baby never gets to do those things. They don't wake up and live to care for their baby." Can I just say how disgusted I was when I read that? I literally felt queasy just thinking how women who lost their babies would feel if they read those hurtful words...how my cousin would feel if she read those words. I am here to say that changing diapers and wiping nose doesn't make me anymore of a mother than my cousin. My daughter had many health problems at birth and had to have surgery and we weren't sure if she would make it...but she did. Does that mean that I am more of a mother because my child lived? Does that mean I love my child more? NO. I'm blessed and thankful to have my daughter but there is no doubt in my mind that my cousin loves her son as much as I love Kaci. In some way maybe mothers who don't get a chance to raise their children love their children more because their hearts ache for their children. They still worry for their children. A mother who has her child here in front of her doesn't worry where her child is...a mother who lost their child wonders where they are all the time and how they are doing. They yearn for just one second to know that their baby is okay and in a safe and happy place. They long to kiss the booboos and sing songs with their babies. They yearn for those sleepless nights and dirty diapers that some people take for granted and complain about... If you gave birth and had the privilege of having a healthy child that you were able to raise and watch grow up...you are a mother. If you saw those 2 positive lines on a pregnancy test and became so excited only to have that happiness ripped away from you early in the pregnancy by miscarriage...you are a mother. If you made it through most of your pregnancy only to have to give birth to a baby that was stillborn...you are still a mother. And if you went through your entire pregnancy and everything was fine, you gave birth to a precious baby only to lose the baby to SIDS or birth injuries...you are still a mother !! No one certain thing makes someone a mother. Downplaying someone's role as a mother just because their baby is in heaven is so wrong. I sincerely hope people think more before they make such hurtful comments.

The loss of a child...

There comes a time in life where everyone will grieve. Every single person on this planet will lose someone they once cared about whether it be a family member or friend. But, not everyone will know the grief of losing a child. I've never known this grief and I pray that I never will. But, in this past week my cousin(who is like my sister) gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Jackson. The birth did not go as planned and there were many mistakes made by doctors and nurses at the hospital that my cousin was at. Little Jackson was stuck in the birth canal for a while. He was without oxygen for a while. In order to get him out they had to break his clavicle and his arm. He was born quiet and still and not breathing. The doctors revived him a few moments later but I believe in all of our hearts we knew that this was the end. He was transferred to another hospital where his heart gave out 2 days later and he went to be with God. It was very sudden and unexpected because her pregnancy was so perfect, so routine. He was a healthy baby. We all expected to be at the hospital and hold him and love on him and shower him with presents he couldn't even use yet...but we stood in the hall listening to my cousin scream in agony. Screaming "I'm pushing as hard as I can !!"...she was doing what any mother would do in that time and that was fight for son. She begged for a c-section ,she pushed until she could not breathe, and she watched as her son came into this world already gone. I sat frozen in the waiting room. As I was walking down the hallway to go in her room I was trying my best to go over what I would say to her. When I got in there I grabbed her hand and told her "he will be just fine" even though I believe even she knew that he wouldn't be. She felt guilt that this was her fault, that she had not pushed hard enough. I think we were all at a loss for the right words at that point. 2 days later he was still alive and even though he was hooked up to monitors and IVs everywhere I believe the fact that he made it 2 days had given all of us some hope. My cousin was finally discharged from the hospital that morning and made the long drive to the other hospital where her sweet boy was. It wasn't but a few hours later that we got the call he had went to be with our Lord. It was like he waited for his mommy and daddy to be there and he felt their presence and he knew he could go then. My heart broke into a million pieces thinking of my cousin and her husband. I looked over at Kaci and my eyes were welled up with tears as she asked me "whats wrong mama?". I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her as tight as I could. She wouldn't understand this even if I tried to explain it so I just held her and it's as if she knew I needed it at that moment because she usually attempts to wiggle out of my hugs but not this time...she just sat there and pat me on the back and let me hold her as long as I needed to while I cried. The pit in my stomach grew as we got closer to the day of the funeral. At this point none of us had actually gotten a chance to see little Jackson so this would be the first and last. I have been to 3 baby funerals in my life...and its been 3 too many. But, this was different. The others were my friends children and while it was horrible...this was Ashleys son. The same Ashley that I grew up with. Spent summer days swimming in our nannys pool together, spent nights building Barbie towns that were so elaborate by the time we built them we were so tired we could no longer even play, this was Ashley...how do I even begin to tell her how sorry I am. Will that make any difference in her eyes? I have a child and I can imagine what it would be like but I can never fully know what Ashley feels. I was quiet the whole ride to the funeral home. As I walked in and signed the book outside the door I knew that this was it, I had to think of something to say to her, something that was going to make all of this go away and she was going to feel better. When I saw her standing next to his tiny casket crying her eyes out I knew then, nothing that I say will matter. She turned and looked over her moms shoulder and saw me and held her arms open for me to come and hug her. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. This is what she needed. Just to let it out. We stood there and cried together and I heard through the crying her say "Brittany, I just want him back !!", all I could muster up was "I know, I know". After we stood there for a while she wanted to take me over to see her son. Like the proud mama she is she showed him to me and though she was crying slightly I could see her eyes light up when she spoke about him. She showed me his big ol hands, his soft hair, his tiny little lips, his chubby little cheeks, and his nose that looked just like hers. She rubbed his face and his hands and said "He is so perfect, isn't he?" Of course he was. He was beautiful. Other people got to the funeral home and wanted to see her and him so I stepped aside but periodically I would come back up and just hold her hand and look at him with her and we would talk about how beautiful we was. I would watch her from a distance and I would catch small moments where she would smile while she looked at him. That mothers love we all feel when we see our babies...she felt it. Even though he was gone she still felt it. I watched her as she stared off into space and I wondered, what could she be thinking?? The day passed all too quickly and he was buried in a plot next to his uncle Josh, Ashleys brother who had died a little over ten years ago. Now, as I sit here writing this its all still fresh in my mind so I can only imagine how fresh it feels in Ashleys. She now has a room where her healthy baby boy was supposed to be sleeping in, she has no pictures of her son, she has a mold of his hands and feet, and she has a hole in her heart. I'll never understand the purpose for things like this happening and maybe we will never know what Gods plan is but... None of this is fair or right. This is something no mother should ever have to go through. She wanted this baby, and her and her husband tried for almost a year to conceive him. He was going to be so loved and taken care of. She would have been an amazing mother. And in the future I hope that she gets that chance again. I know that it will not take Jacksons place but perhaps it will help fill that hole in her heart just a tiny bit. I hope with time Ashley can heal and be comforted knowing that she has a precious angel in Heaven watching over her. And though Jackson is not with us in the flesh, he will live on in our hearts forever. RIP Jackson Raymond 05/20/2013-05/22/2013

Dear Kaci 4 years old !!

Happy birthday Kaci Jade !!!!!! I cannot even begin to describe to you how I feel right now !! It doesn't feel like its been 4 years since I have given birth to you but looking at you and seeing how much you've grown I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that you are growing up right before my eyes !! Here lately you have been extra sassy and you definitely are showing that you are turning 4. We had your birthday party on April 27th on the Saturday before your actual birthday so that your family and friends could all come celebrate with you ! You had a Spider-man themed party and as per usual on your bday it rained like CRAZY !! We had a bounce house booked for the day to come out to the house so that you and your friends could jump in it but since it was raining so bad we decided to cancel the bounce house last minute because you just wouldn't have been able to enjoy yourself because it was cold outside as well. But, the day turned out to be great still because you had all the people you loved in one place and that is honestly all that matters on days like that. Seeing all the love that everyone has for you and wanting to celebrate the day you came into this world with us means a lot ! Spider-man actually came to your party and you were so excited !! We got all sorts of pictures with him and you had on a spider-girl dress so you just looked so adorable ! You are really into super heroes and dinosaurs lately and I think its pretty adorable !! I made your birthday cake and some cake pops(my very first try at either) and even though neither of them were perfect it made it so special to know that I was able to do that for you for your birthday !!! I just can't believe you are 4. Its so funny how I can't remember what I did last month but it doesn't take much for me to remember everything from the week you were born 4 years ago. Every single move and feeling that I made and felt that week is so vivid in my mind it's scary sometimes. I can remember every time the doctor came in the room to check my progress when I was in labor. I remember the every push it took for you to make your appearance into this world. I remember the tiny little cry you made within the first few seconds of your life on the outside. I remember the look on your dads face as he watched me push you out. I remember the moment you came out he leaned his head down and hearing him cry slightly into my ear and whisper "I can't believe she's here!". I remember your Mimi bending down to give me a kiss after you were born and feeling her teardrops hit my cheek. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with this crazy amount of love I never knew could exist. I remember when you were a day old you spit up a small amount of blood and the nurse told me it was completely normal. I remember going home a few days later and feeling so scared. I remember getting home and you not wanting to latch on to eat and telling your dad and mimi that something just wasn't right. I remember struggling the next 2 days and feeling so helpless because I knew something was wrong but everyone kept telling me it was nothing. I remember taking you to the doctor to get your jaundice levels checked and them telling me you needed to go back to the hospital to be admitted for the night because your levels were so high. I remember crying the whole way to the hospital and feeling like this wasn't just a small case of jaundice. I remember seeing you laying in the bili bed and thinking how funny it was because it was like a mini tanning bed, you had cute little sunglasses on and everything. I remember going in your hospital room to feed you that night and you didn't want to eat at all. I remember the nurse telling me you absolutely have to eat a few ounces per doctors orders. I remember crying and telling her no. I remember it wasn't a moment later that you projectile vomited an enormous amount of green bile. I remember looking at your dad in complete horror and feeling my stomach drop. I remember asking the nurse if that was normal and her exact words were "No ma'am that's not a good sign". I remember us anxiously waiting for the doctor to come in a few hours later. I remember them taking you back for a CT scan. I remember the doctor coming in and sitting down and saying "It's not good". I remember him telling us that you would need to be rushed to Vanderbilt Children's hospital 45 minutes away and would need emergency surgery because your intestines were twisted cutting off blood flow and that they weren't able to see the full extent to how much bowel had died. I remember him telling us that if all of your bowels had died off then we had no other options. I can remember as he walked out of the room my eyes welled up with tears and I felt like all the blood drained out of my face. I remember your dad just holding me and being so strong telling me that everything would be fine. I remember almost blaming God and wondering why He would do this to you. I remember the Angel Ambulance techs coming in to start your IV and put you in the incubator for transport. I remember up until this point your daddy not shedding one tear. I remember as they wheeled you down the hall and into the ambulance as soon as you were out of sight your daddy fell to his knees in the hallway of the hospital and cried like I have never seen him cry before. I knew he had to let it out. I remember the feeling of waiting for you to get out of surgery the next day and how scared and anxious we all were and just pacing the floor waiting for them to call us back. I remember when they called your name and sat us down in the room the doctor came in, sat down, and said "Everything went spectacularly and we did not have to remove any of her bowel !!". I remember him calling you an "absolute miracle" because most babies he has seen that went 6 days before surgery had a large portion of their bowel removed. I remember dropping to my knees and thanking God and saying how sorry I was that I ever blamed Him or doubted Him. You stayed in the hospital for a few more weeks getting bile removed off you stomach and then you finally got to come home. It was the hardest and scariest week of my life but it was also the absolute best. I wouldn't trade anything that we have been through because its brought us to where we are now and shaped you into this amazing little person I have loved from the very second I knew you existed. Seeing you come into your own and growing into this independent preschool age little girl has been so amazing. I use the word bittersweet A LOT in the letters I write you but there is no other way to describe you growing up. I love watching you grow and I love every moment we share together but it's also so hard to watch you grow up and know that you will be starting school soon and then you will be in middle school and then you will be in high school and then after that you will be grown and going to college and having a family of your own... I feel like I just had you yesterday and now you are 4... what will it feel like when you are 18?? I feel like I blinked and you became this little lady who is scared to get her hands dirty and is SOOOO picky she wants to eat nothing but strawberries, yogurt, grilled cheese, and macaroni (of course you eat more than that but if you had your choice you wouldn't). You have been fully potty trained for almost a year now, you clean up after yourself, you always use your manners, you want your mommy at all times especially when you are sick or don't feel good, you love spending time with your daddy so much and get so sad when he has to go to work, and boy do you love your Mimi...she is your favorite person in the whole world and I hope that even if she doesn't live to see you grow a whole lot older that you will always know how much she loved you and remember all the amazing times and moments you have had together because Kaci she loves you more than you will ever be able to understand and so do I. I am going to go ahead and end this because as always I am getting misty eyed talking about all of this. You gotta stop getting so big on me, kid. I love you so much more than I could ever explain with words and I hope you feel that from me always. Happy Birthday my sweet little miracle...here's to many, many, many more. Love, Mommy

Dear Kaci 3 years 8 months,

Happy new year sweet girl !!!! Its officially 2013 and you are only a few short months away from being the big 4 !! I will go ahead and start with Christmas !! It was a tough year financially for us. We were worried that you wouldn't have a good Christmas but we somehow pulled off an awesome haul for you...umm err Santa managed to ;-)! You, of course, got the Barbie bike that you have been begging for for months !! I can't even tell you how bittersweet it is that you have outgrown your tricycle and now can tide a big girl bike. You have been super obsessed with Barbie for months now and I couldn't be more exciting about that. When I was your age I became obsessed with all things Barbie and Disney (specifically Beauty and the Beast) and you are following right in my foot steps !! Although, recently you have developed a love for The Little Mermaid instead of Beauty and the Beast but I can't complain cause thats definitely one of my favorites as well. You also are really into Monsters Inc. lately so for Christmas you got Mike and Sully stuffed animals and my personal favorite toy you got was a Boo doll. She talks and says all kinds of cute things !! Funny thing is you somehow pulled her head off the night you got her and your daddy,mimi, and I tried for about 30 minutes to get her head back on and then finally it just popped right back on lol. It was funny ! You got a bunch of new figurines to add to your collection. You already had well over 150 but now you have over 200 easily !! You are obsessed with them. We went to the Disney store and they always have these 2 figurine sets for 20 dollars so we ended up getting you 4 sets. You got the Monsters Inc set, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Phineas and Ferb. You really aren't that into Phineas and Ferb but you love Perry the platypus!! You got 2 different play tents. Uncle Michael got you a Barbie tent. It pops up and folds up easily so when you are done with it it doesn't take up room !! You love it so much and had a blast putting all your new toys inside it haha ! Your Aunt Ashley(technically I guess she is your great cousin but she is more like a sister to me so yea) and uncle Daniel got you a castle tent. Its big enough for you to get in and stand up and it has windows also. It doesn't pop up and down you have to take the little poles out but its AWESOME !! You love dressing up in your princess dresses and playing in there. You've really been into playing blocks with your daddy recently...you guys build a castle out of your blocks and then play with your figurines in it !! You sure do love your daddy and I love it !! We can't deny that Mimi is still your favorite person in the whole world though !!

I lost it today...

It's been almost a week since we all learned about the tragedy that happened in Sandy Hook and I am just now feeling halfway able to put my feelings into words. As a parent this has taken a huge toll on me and I would expect that it probably has on every other parent around the world. We shouldn't have to hear about school shootings at all but when you hear about them you almost always know its a high school...but when I heard it was an elementary school with kids all 4th grade and under I was shocked. What kind of a monster could do this? Only a certain kind of evil could walk into a school full of small children and hear their screams and see their terror and open fire on them. Not only do I feel so much grief for the parents and families that lost loved ones but I feel sorrow for the children who survived as well...because even though they lived through this awful tragedy their innocence has now been taken from them. School is no longer just a place where they will go to learn and play with their friends but its now a place where some of their friends were killed. School will no longer be safe for those poor children and they will carry this with them the rest of their lives...and that is something I find so heartbreaking its just to much. I decided today was the day I would write my feelings down because I was at the mall earlier today with my mother and my 3(almost 4) year old daughter Kaci. This mall has a carousel in it and of course my overjoyed toddler went running to it and had to ride. We were standing in line and these 2 beautiful sisters were in line behind us with their mom and we of course made small talk about which animal they would ride on the carousel and how pretty they both were. Then I felt compelled to ask them how old they were. The first little girl spoke up and held out 4 little fingers and gently said "4" and my daughter was so excited to tell her that she was about to be 4 as well. Then I asked the other little girl and she softly spoke with a lisp and she said "I'm 6", and with those words I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes and I looked and her mother and she looked back at me and her eyes began to tear up to as she knew 100% why I was crying and she felt the exact same thing as I did. The innocence of this little girl struck me. She was not much bigger than my daughter and she still looks at the world like my daughter does...as a safe place. They don't yet know the ugly and evil things that this world can sometimes bring with it. 6 is supposed to be such a joyous and wonderful age where you are just getting into the groove of going to school, you're losing your front teeth, your really starting to find your best friends, you still think the opposite sex has cooties...you're just starting to live and these children never got a chance to. They will never get to be in that awkward preteen stage where they aren't sure of themselves. They will never get to go through the teenager stage where they think their parents are the enemy and the world will end if they don't get to go to the movies on Friday with their friends. They won't get to graduate high school. They won't get to live in a dorm or go to college. They won't get to meet their soul mate and get married. They will never have children of their own. Those things are so hard for me accept because I look at my daughter and I see her future. I paint beautiful pictures in my head of what her future looks like. I look into her beautiful blue eyes and I cannot imagine not ever getting to look into them again. I hear her sweet angelic voice and I feel like if I couldn't ever hear it again I would go insane. If I couldn't feel her arms wrap around my neck, if I couldn't hold her hand, if I couldn't give her eskimo kisses...My world would be over. I will not pretend to know what those parents feel but as a parent myself I can only imagine the heartache. Our hearts are heavy as we struggle to come to terms with this senseless tragedy and somehow move on. But, I can speak for myself and my family we will NEVER forget the names and faces of those lives lost that day.

Dear Kaci 3 years 4 months

Hi sweet baby. I am such a slacker when it comes to your letters lately. I feel like as long as I get all the good stuff in here I am doing good but I have started to have to write stuff down as the months go along just to make sure I get the right stuff in here when I do get a chance to write it. First off I want to say I have started a new project that I am so excited about. I bought you one of my favorite books the other day its called "Love you forever". Even though I bought it for you I won't be giving it to you till your 18th birthday. There are just enough pages in it for me to put 18 letters on. Since I have kept a well documented blog full of yearly letters to you on your birthday I am going to put every single letter I wrote you on your birthday on each page of the book. That way on your 18th birthday every page will have a letter from me for each year you have been alive. I wanted something special for you and I love keeping this blog but I just keep getting scared that something could happen and I could lose all this info so I wanted to make it even more special for you. I saw this article of this father who bought the book "Oh the places you will go" by Dr. Suess and each year he got her teacher she had to write his daughter a letter on the pages and on her graduation day he gave it to her. I thought it was a beautiful idea and it brought tears to my eyes so since I have the letters I previously wrote to you and will keep on writing you I decided to do my own version in one of my favorite books. The book "Love you forever" is basically saying no matter how old you are whether you are 3 or 3 years old you are my baby and you always will be and I will love you no matter what. I hope you appreciate it and enjoy it because I know I will enjoy making it for you Kaci. Anyways on to new things you have been doing. You have really become a big girl lately. You speak so clear now its crazy !! And boy do you have attitude!! I don't know where you get that from *looks around* lol Mimi says you are just like I was at your age !! When you don't get your way you throw a princess fit. Its funny but at the same time we gotta get you out of that cause you can't be doing that in school. You have been doing amazing with the potty training. Peeing is no longer an issue you go all day and night without having any pee accidents. The pooping has not been as easy. You still have a few accidents here and there with the pooping. We were having issues mainly because you were having a hard time pooping. Since you had your surgery when you were a few days old you have had some issues with pooping. With the guidance of your doctor(who we love) and some decision making on our part your daddy and I have decided to put you on miralax for the time being. The doctor said she doesn't know how long you will have to be on it. It could be a few months it could be forever. Luckily its not something that you can build a dependency on. So far its been helping so much !! Something thats new you have been doing lately is wanting me to rock you to sleep again. When you turned 1 you decided you no longer wanted to be rocked to sleep. And up until now you haven't wanted to but I am not complaining at all. I absolutely love rocking you to sleep. I love the feeling of you laying in my arms. You fit so perfectly that its as if they were made to hold you. I could rock you and hold you forever and it just wouldn't be long enough. Life just makes more sense with you here Kaci. I can't even begin to explain it but I feel like my whole life before meeting your daddy and having you was just time going by... But since you and your daddy came into my life it's like I finally have a purpose. It's like I was standing still before you and now I am in motion. You and your daddy are what keeps me goin. I'll never be able to explain how you two saved me. I am a firm believer in God putting people in your life for a purpose and from the moment I laid eyes on Brandon I knew he was special. And I know at time I can get caught up in the superficial things like him not being that romantic or buying me things but when I think about it honestly there isn't a gift in the world he could've gave me that was more amazing and beautiful and precious than you. I'll always be thankful because without him there would be no you. God picked us to be your parents and we could've have asked for anything better for him to give is. You really do bring so much light and love into everyones lives and I am going to be forever grateful that he trusted me to be your mommy because I couldn't think of a better blessing !! Mommy

Dear Kaci..3 years old

Hi my sweet baby. I just want to let you know first off that I am so so sorry that I am behind on your letter writing. Mommy got a great new job and has been so busy I just have been trying to find the time to sit down and actually write it out for you my love. So here goes. You turned 3 almost 3 months ago. I don't know how you are 3 already but this age you are at is so much fun. To celebrate your bday we had a party at the house and of course had to get a big bounce house for you and your friends to play in. Mainly mommy and daddy were the ones in there jumping with you but we had a blast. It was a Toy Story themed party so your cake was just adorable with all your favorite characters on it. Tons of family and friends came out to celebrate your 3 years of life. You got a whole bunch of presents as well. You got the doll house you had been begging for and tons of furniture to go in it. A week after your birthday you,me,and Mimi got on an airplane and headed on down to Florida for a week of relaxing with aunt Jaya and your cousin Tej !! We had a blast. It was the first time you and I had been on an airplane and you did better than I did. It was only an hour and half flight and you had a blast on it and you did so good that they gave you bubbles as you were getting off in Florida. While we were there we went to the beach and went swimming and even visited the Navy base where aunt Jaya works !! It was so neat. It was a much needed break from Tennessee. We both missed daddy a lot but he had to stay back to work. You enjoyed the beach so much its making mommy and daddy consider moving there in the future. You loved having Tej to play with too. On the plane ride back you fell asleep and so did Mimi. I was so busy looking out the window I couldn't have fallen asleep !! About a month or so after we got back it was time for Tejs 1st birthday party. Uncle Mikey and aunt Jaya planned a great party at Chuck E Cheese and we all had a BLAST !! Daddy and I had tried taking you there a few months ago and you were not interested in that place at all but that all changed apparently cause you didn't want to leave !!! Its been pretty uneventful since then except for the fact that we finally broke you from your pacifier !!! I was so proud of you !! We knew it was time since you turned 3 but it broke my heart at the same time since it was one of the only things you still had that kept my little baby instead of my big girl toddler. And I am happy to report after what felt like a life time of diapers you have now been peeing in the potty for a week straight and just today a few hours ago you pooped in the potty !!! You put up a ton of resistance about the whole thing at first. Everytime you even got near the potty you started screaming but after a ton of bribing I think we are finally on the path of you being fully potty trained. And since you are being such a big girl mommy and daddy are going and buying you your very own swing set this week !!! Words cannot describe how proud I am of you. But like I have said before every single time you do something that big girls do it breaks my heart a little bit...If I could keep you my little baby forever I think I would. I love all of the fun things we get to do together now and in the future but you are and always will be my sweet little baby. Mommy is also in the process of trying to talk daddy into us having you a little brother or sister. Daddy starts a new job in September so right this second wouldn't be the perfect time but in 3-4 months from now we are going to see where we are and start trying then. I am pretty excited but scared at the same time. I don't ever want you to feel like you aren't enough and thats always been my fear of having another child. You are more than enough and if we decide to never have another child or if my body finally decides to do what the doctors say its going to do then I want you to know you are more than enough. You are the light of my life literally. You will always be the one who introduced me to love at first sight and let me know what absolute true love is. I'll never ever know how to explain to you what you mean to me. I would literally die for you. One day when you have a child of your own you will know the true and unconditional love that I have for you and I am so thankful that God blessed me with you. My sweet little miracle. I will post some pics that I have taken over the last few months for you :)

Love, Mommy

Instead of Dear Kaci this month...

I decided to sit down and write something really personal to us. I took my mother to have an endoscopy done of her throat today(she is okay by the way If you want to know more about that please don't hesitate to ask) But she had the procedure at Vanderbilt in Nashville and while I was waiting for her to come out of the procedure I decided to take a little stroll over to the Childrens Hospital next door where Kaci had her surgery. I got a little emotional to say the least. Walking through the doors really had an impact on me since it had been so long since we had to make that journey up there. I got to thinking that I really hadn't shared the complete story of how we found out that Kaci was going to have to have surgery and since this blog is for Kaci in the future I feel its only right that since we are coming up on her 3rd birthday that I share this on here for her to read in the future so she would know exactly how is happened and what she went through.

Well for those who don't know I had a seemingly routine pregnancy. I was sick a lot of time and I got hypertension there towards the end of the pregnancy but other than those things we had a few scares as far as Kacis health while she was still inside my belly. Now I won't get into all of that here but if you go back and read there is actually a letter to Kaci when we found out she had a white spot on her heart and cyst on her brain at 20 weeks old and they said those were markers for Trisomy 13(which is fatal) or Down Syndrome. Of course we all know she turned out to have neither but looking back it was of course terrifying to think something could be wrong but little did I know that was not the end of our journey with health issues. I had a pretty hard labor it was 23 hours and 1 minute long and oh how I wish I could go back and opt out of the medication they gave me. The whole day was like a haze up until it was time to push then it became a euphoric type of haze the really really good kind that you want more of. Of course its the kind you only think the really good drugs can give you as well but boy was I wrong. Not that I have done a whole bunch of drugs but lets be honest I had an interesting youth lol...but let me tell you having Kaci was the single most amazing feeling on the planet. Nothing tops it. That moment when she came out was like I was floating and when I heard that sweet cry whew I was a gonner. She instantly hooked me and her daddy and to this day she still has us wrapped around her little finger. Now once she was out she scored a 9 out of 10 on her apgar which is great especially since she was 2 weeks early. She was a healthy 7 lbs 0 oz and 19 &3/4 inches long born at 7:01pm on May 1st of 2009. Everything seemed so wonderful at the time I never remember once feeling like something was wrong that first day. She breast fed like a CHAMP was peeing and pooping just fine and wasn't spitting up. The next day the pediatrician came in to see us. Said she looked great but she was looking a little jaundice. He said it was nothing to worry about and if it didn't clear up on its own then there are ways to handle it when the time comes. I had seen many of my friends babies go through jaundice so it wasn't something I was all that concerned about. I remember the nurse telling me this day that Kaci spit up a little bit of blood the night before. Now, I had an interesting feeling my stomach when she told me this. I pressed the nurse for more info and the nurse chalked it up to having swallowed the amniotic fluid in my belly and it may have had some blood in it. At that moment I felt really uneasy about that comment. I had never heard of a 1 day old baby spitting up blood and it being normal. I trusted my nurses and doctors and tried to push the feeling aside because she was doing great. She didn't spit up anymore blood and was doing great and still eating wonderfully. I really enjoyed breast feeding. I know that some people thought it was weird and didn't understand why I went through all the trouble I did when formula is of course the easier option but I just thought nursing was the most natural and healthy thing I could do for my baby and boy did it turn out to REALLY be the best thing for her but more on that in a moment. I had to be hooked up the magnesium for 24 hours after delivery due to my blood pressure so they held me for another 24 hours after that just to observe so we went home on Sunday May 3rd. Boy was that a trip. First of all let me back up by saying that I did not know that I would be having her 2 weeks early. I thought I had at least 2 more weeks to prepare for her arrival so I had no installed the carseat and I had NO clue how to put a car seat in and neither did my husband. When we were leaving the nurse, who was super rude, literally told me I could not have my baby out of her arms until that car seat was in the car properly. Leave it to my good ol mom to save the day of course and she politely snatched my child out of the nurses arms as soon as the car seat was in. That woman was seriously lucky I was so swollen and could barely walk cause I wanted to come across her head numerous times throughout the 3 days we were there. When we got home things were normal. But, something felt wrong. I couldn't shake this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was just not right. I told my mom that night when we got home and she of course said that all new mothers feel like that and I know they do but I always felt like my feeling was a real "something is wrong" feeling. That night is when things started to show. It always struck me as really weird that she was perfectly fine and eating great until the night we got home from the hospital. But anyways she wouldn't really eat much that night. I cried and cried trying to get her to latch on and things were going so perfect nursing before I never imagined she would stop wanting to latch. I tried every position possible and nothing worked. I tried to pump but at that point I wasn't making that much milk so I barely got anything. My mom and Brandon just watched me struggle and cry and just pray that she would latch but she just wouldn't. The next day after a long night of no sleep we had to go back to the doc to get her jaundice levels checked. We got there and the drew her blood off her heel of her foot and man does that break your heart !! She just cried and cried and I cried with her cause I was EMOTIONAL ! Keep in mind I still feel as if something was not right and I voiced my concerns to the pediatrician...his answer you ask?? FORMULA !!! Me being the naive new young mother I was I didn't argue at that point I was willing to try it because I was exhausted and I knew she had to be hungry. Her jaundice levels had went from I believe it was a 7 to a 12. The doctor wasn't too overly concerned but wanted to see her back the next day to check again. That night again she didn't want to drink the formula and she spit up every time she ate. Of course again it was no excuse but being a young mother I listened to people when they said that was normal. And also you know how babies poop is tarry like the first day or so...well Kacis never changed over to the yellow seedy colored poop that breastfed babies get. I again expressed my concerns to the doctor and they just brushed it off to her not eating a whole lot. The next day was hard. The doctor tested her jaundice levels and it had jumped up to almost 20. So he recommended we go and get her admitted back to the hospital so she could be put under the bili bed lights and it would clear it up overnight. Little did I know the case of jaundice she had saved my childs life. When the doc called to tell us that news I was devastated...my feelings of something being wrong felt even more like they were coming true because we had just left the hospital I didn't want to go back...I just always feel like bad things happen at hospitals so I just had a grim outlook. We checked in at MTMC and I got to have one of the parents rooms next to the nursery and I could go in and nurse her and feed her whenever it was time. Of course the nurses wouldn't let me nurse on demand like I wanted they HAD to keep her on a schedule. Here is where things get bad. Later that night on the 5th we went in for a routine feeding. The nurse told me that Kacis abdomen was distended but not to worry she probably just needed to have a good poop. When I attempted to nurse her and she wouldn't latch on the nurse said we had to do formula because the doctor had ordered her to be fed every 2-3 hours so it was very important that she get the formula in her. When Kaci wouldn't take the bottle for me the nurse asked if she could take over...I allowed her but I stayed right next to her. I assumed she knew was she was doing. The next thing I know I am watching her pretty much force a bottle down my childs throat all the while my daughter is screaming her head off(she was in pain due to her stomach but we did not know that at the time) Then it happened. Kaci started coughing and all of the sudden green bile SHOT across the room from my little babies mouth. All the while this HORRID nurse is still shoving the bottle down her throat. I reached over and pulled the bottle out of her hand and said "excuse me is that normal?" That nurse looked at me and said no maam its not a good sign but we will have to see what the doctor says. I inquired about what it could mean and she would give me NO answers. She then wanted to put the bottle back in my childs mouth and I politely DECLINED. We waited all night for word from the doctor. He took a ct scan of her abdomen and we patiently waited for his results. Brandon and I were in the parental unit room when Dr.Little walked in. He had this terrible look on his face and I knew that my gut feeling that something was wrong had been all to right at that moment. He explained that our daughter had something called intestinal malrotation and that essentially her intestines were twisted cutting off blood supply and that she also had 3 blockages in her intestines as well. I think at that moment it all didn't feel real. This just couldn't be happening to us. Things like this is what you see on tv it cannot be happening to my baby. I fell into Brandons arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life and screamed something to the tune of "Why is God punishing us...what did she ever do to deserve anything like this??" Of course looking back I know that God was not punishing us nor our baby but at that moment my whole world had stopped and I felt like I had to blame someone. When Dr. Little then told me that Kaci would have to be transported via the Angel Ambulance to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital to have surgery we were in shock. How did we go from 4 days before that on this amazing cloud with a healthy baby to having a baby that is sick. And he couldn't tell us if she would make it or not. A Ct scan didn't show the extent of the damage whether or not she had half if any of her bowel. From there we walked over to her and held her close for an hour waiting on the Angel Ambulance to come get her. I cried and cried pleading to God to just make this go away make it not be real. Please just take me back to the wonderful haze I was in a few days ago...make this ache in my heart go away. When the ambulance arrived they made us sign some consent forms to transfer her. Up until this point Brandon was relatively quiet. He just kind of stared off into space and I don't think it felt real to him either. He was being so strong for me and for Kaci I had no clue how he was feeling. After we signed the forms we walked in the room to find that they had placed Kaci in an incubator for transfer and she had a million and one wires hooked up to her. They were trying to start an iv in her tiny little arm and thats when it happened...while Kaci was laying there screaming in pain from the needle I looked up at Brandon and I just saw tears streaming down his face...he looked at me in horror and I could tell he was still trying to hold it back. When they wheeled her off we followed her out into the hallway and when she got around the corner from us Brandon fell to his knees in the middle of the hallway of the hospital. He cried and cried and just let it all out and he looked up at me and said " why can't it just be me instead of her?" We stood there for a while I was trying my best to best strong for him in that moment because I knew he had held it together so well for me up until that point I owed it to him to help him through his moment of weakness. When he got done crying he stood up and didn't shed a tear after that. It was like it had been building and he just had to let it out. To this day I haven't shared this moment Brandon had because I know that he feels men aren't supposed to cry but I think back to that moment often remembering the hurt he felt for our daughter and the love he had for her...I fell even more in love with him in that moment just because we are all human. We can only take so much before it breaks us and he broke hard. But he picked himself up and we got in the car and head to vanderbilt childrens. When we got there the doctor explained that she would have to have surgery and how soon we weren't sure. They were shooting for the next day around 2 in the afternoon but if it became an emergent situation they would just take her quickly to the operating room. Of course we signed consent forms for them to do that because they would be responsible for saving my childs life. The doctor recommended we go home and get some rest but we just couldn't leave her that quickly. The NICU was such a depressing place I couldn't imagine her being there in that room all by herself. We stayed till around midnight and finally she was asleep and we went home knowing we would be back there bright and early to await her surgery. My aunt (who is a wonderful Christian woman) was planning to go up there with us to wait out her surgery. The next day we were heading up the hospital it was around 11:30am and while we were on our way I got a phone call...The doc said its become an emergent situation and they were going to wheel her back to surgery before we could even get there to see her once more. A million and one thoughts ran through my head at that moment. What if the night before last was the last night I got to see her alive?? Did she feel loved?? Did she know how much we wanted her and needed her to live?? At this time I won't lie...I was still angry with God. It wasn't moments I am proud of but I am woman enough to admit that I didn't know who to blame and it was so easy to feel like he was punishing me for something. My aunt didn't know I was at a war with myself over those feelings but its like she knew I needed to hear something uplifting. So there in the middle of the car she opened her bible and read me some scripture. Her words were my biggest comfort that day and I don't know if she will ever know just what a blessing she was to me in that time but I will never be able to thank her for just being there to give me the word of God in the moments I needed them the most. When we got there they said they had been back in surgery for about 25 minutes and it could be another couple of hours. We sat and waited ultimately thinking we would be there a long time. Much to our surprise they called our names about 20 minutes later. I was scared. I thought that meant something bad had happened especially since they put us in a room to await the doctor coming in. I thought back to those shows you watch on tv where the doctor has to deliver bad news to the family and I just pictured me being that mom they had to tell had lost her daughter. I know some of this may sound really hard to hear but I am trying my best to be as brutally honest as I can about how I felt. I really thought my child was going to die and I won't lie or sugar coat that one bit. The doctors had told us if they got in there in surgery and realized all her bowel had died there was NOTHING that could be done to save her. Luckily, the doctor did not keep us waiting long. He walked in and I remember him being really hard to get a read on he didn't have much of an expression on his face but when he didn't sit down I had some glimmer of hope that it might have went fine. I had no clue he was about to tell me news that shocked even him. He pretty much said he couldn't believe it but she had not lost one single inch of her bowel. He said he had been doing that surgery many times and he didn't see many cases caught as late as ours was that had the outcome ours did. And boy was she a fighter. He said they thought the surgery would take 3 hours it took him from start to finish 45 minutes. And he expected her to be on the ventilator for 24 hours after surgery and lo and behold when they brought us back to recovery to see that sweet angel she was off the ventilator breathing on her own. It was nothing short of an act of God and I am 100% sure of that. At that moment I could've fallen to my knees with how weak I was...I begged God to forgive me for lashing out at him and I thanked him for continuing to wrap his arms tight around her even in my moment of weakness. I wrote about the next few weeks so I won't get into all that. In the long run I had an amazingly healthy little girl who recovered wonderfully and now at almost 3 years old shows ZERO signs that she went through what she did. She is handful sometimes but I wouldn't have her any other way. She is my hero because in her first 6 days of life she went through more than some people do in a lifetime and she was so strong. I am truly blessed to have this miracle and true gift from God to call my own and I will forever be grateful to him for blessing me with her.

Dear Kaci 33 months.

My sweet baby. I cannot believe you are 3 months away from the big 3 ! It almost seems surreal honestly. You are so independent lately. And I know I say it a lot but it feels like everyday you need me less and less. Its bittersweet as always. You talk up a STORM ! Seriously you are all girl thats for sure because you love to hear yourself talk. And as much as it pains me to say it your new favorite person is daddy. I knew it would happen one day. Most girls are daddys girls. My mom said when I was your age I was attached to my daddy too. Your daddy is an overgrown kid so you guys have an absolute blast together. I love to watch you with him. You still want your mommy when you're sick or hurt or just upset. Which makes me feel good. Its so funny your daddy will be in there playing with you and then he will try to leave the room and you come running after him yelling "No Daddy !!! Come play toys !!!!!!". It seriously cracks me up every time. And your daddy has no problem being your personal toy to beat up on. Last night you were beating him with a plastic golf club and he was acting like it was hurting really bad and you were CRACKING up laughing so hard !! It was awesome. Its moments like this that I want you to remember. And its moments like this when I realize I will never get this time back. Time moves faster and faster and I feel like there isn't enough of it. I want you to have only happy memories of this time in your life. Sometimes, I try to remember my childhood and I can only remember the bad times. I don't want it to be like that for you. It WON'T be like that for you. Things have been rough lately. Mommy hasn't been working the past month and its taken a toll on mommy and daddys stress levels. But, mommy starts her new job on Monday so things will get better. As long as you are taken care of mommy and daddy will always be okay. You are our number one priority. But I think sometimes we forget to take the time out to be husband and wife instead of mommy and daddy 24/7. But, I love being your mommy. Its the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole world. You know that though. We have been really working on us lately but including you in it because we just don't want it to be 2 separate things. We want to be mommy and daddy AND husband and wife and sometimes it feels like we have to choose but we would never. You come first always. We love you so much. Your daddy is a wonderful man and father and I really feel blessed to have found him in this world full of losers and dead beat dads. One day you will understand what I mean...but I hope you never have to feel the heartache I went through before I found your daddy. Now I am just rambling on and on as usual and you won't read this for years and all of this will be a distant memory but I am just so thankful to write to you and know that one day you can look back and see everything that happened in your life as it happened. Its so exciting to think of you reading these letters one day. I'll probably never stop writing to you. It helps me to express my love for you since right now you are only 2 and don't quite understand what I mean when I tell you "You are my everything." One day you will have kids of your own and you will know this love I feel for you. I never questioned my moms love for me but when I had you...I had this whole new respect and appreciation for her love and her sacrifices and just how hard she worked to make sure I had the best life possible. I could never repay her. I love you more than life itself . I cannot believe we are a few months away from you being 3. Happy 33 months of life Kaci Jade. Best 1004 days of my life !

Dear Kaci 2 years 7 months

My sweet baby. I know its been a while since I have wrote you and I am so sorry. Mommy has been slacking but its for a good reason. Mommy got a job about 3 months ago to help daddy with money so I have been so busy with working and taking care of you and the house and of course daddy too haha I just forgot completely about my letters but I promise to try to start up again on time. Yesterday you turned 2 years and 7 months old. I can't believe we are already over halfway to 3 years old. You have just grown up right in front of my eyes lately and it just breaks my heart to see you getting bigger and bigger. I swear everyday you find something new to show me you have learned. You can now count to twelve and say your whole alphabet. To make it even more amazing you read the alphabet off of flash cards in random order as well. You have just surpassed what I thought a baby your age could learn. I knew you were smart my baby but you are just simply a genius lol. I may be just a bit partial but I really feel like you are too smart for your own good lately. You are definitely in the middle of your terrible twos but its not to terrible. There are moments when you throw your fits but its nothing a little time out won't handle. You really dislike time out thats for sure. You're super vocal about everything lately. You talk talk talk up a storm. And you love to sing as well. You love to sing the "eating song" from Yo Gabba Gabba. Its so funny to hear you sing "Tummy tummy party party." I love it. Right now you are jumping on the couch after I have told you several times not to. But you're just so darn cute its hard to not just let you keep doing it lol. I guess I better go before you do a flip off of the couch or something lol. I love you my sweet angel and I will write more next month I promise.
Love, Mommy

Dear Kaci 27 months

My love how you have grown. There are just no words to express how fast this last month has went by. You are so big now its crazy. And talking, talking, talking. I think thats all you do nowadays. And you speak so clearly its kind of crazy sometimes. You can count to 10 and say bits of the ABCs. You can say over 70 words and will repeat whatever I ask you to. Its just amazing that you aren't that little baby anymore you are a full blown toddler now...and oh how it breaks mommys heart. When you were just born I thought of how much fun it would be when you got this age. How we would play together and watch princess movies together and stay up late having our little girl time...well we do all those things and they are amazing...but I find myself just wanting to go back. I want those moments back when you would wake up late at night and I would give you your bottle and rock you back to sleep all the while singing your favorite songs. You still love those songs to this day. You just don't have any urge for me to rock you anymore. And my arms ache for you. I wish so badly you would give me one hour of cuddle time with you...just to wrap my arms around you and kiss you and rub your back and sing to you...I feel like I am losing my baby. Of course I am not really losing you...you just don't need me as much as you once did and I am fine with that it just stings a little. First you didn't want to sleep in the bed with me anymore, then it was you didn't want me to rock you anymore, then it was you didn't need me to feed you anymore...and so many other things that you now don't need me for anymore. It hurts this mommys heart to know that you are growing up before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to slow this time down. Every moment with you...is amazing Kaci. You are without a doubt the most wonderful and amazing child God could have ever blessed me with. I feel so lucky to be your mommy. Through all the health scares and the long nights trying to figure out the right things to help those health issues...it was all worth it for you. I would do anything for you Kaci. I want you to always know and remember that even when I am long gone...you are my world. You are my heart. You are my sweet little baby bunny. And always remember there is no me without you my love. You are the reason I breathe. And no matter how big you get no matter whether you are 2 or 20...you will always be mommys baby.

Kaci 2 years months 1 and 2

My dear sweet Kaci,

Mommy is so very sorry that I skipped month on of writing your letters after your second birthday. You know mommys brain can sometimes (lots of times) not function properly and I just forget. Chasing you around the past 2 months has also kept me more than busy...obviously busy enough to neglect my blog for you. My sweet baby you are growing up right in front of my eyes. You are becoming less and less baby like each day and I see more and more toddler and young girl characteristics. You are such a mommy lately. You have a baby doll, well actually you have like 20, but this babydoll is your favorite and it just so happens to be the cheapest lol. But you carry her around and pat he on the back and you will sing to her and try to change her diaper. Its the sweetest thing I have ever seen. When I saw you climb up in the rocking chair with her wrap a blanket around her and put her up on your shoulder and try to rock her to sleep the way I used to rock you...tears welled up in my eyes. Thats been happening a lot lately. I get that lump in the back of my throat like I am about to cry so much lately because its just like everytime I look at you...you're different. How is that possible? How are you growing so fast? I wish time had a pause button. I need for time to have a pause button. I feel like everyday you do something or say something new. Which talking is one of your favorite in things to do nowadays. Baby you can blabber on about pure nothingness for hours on end and its so precious. But I really love the age you are at because you are able to finally tell me what you want and don't want and if you need something like a diaper change you tell me now. Its very nice. You have a brand new cousin who you got to meet the other day for the first time. You were a bit jealous as first of baby Tej but you warmed up to him. You were jealousy while mommy was holding him and you reached up and grabbed my hand and said "You my mommy" Of course I am you mommy sweetie but Tej is mommys nephew my one and only nephew and I am so happy to have him. I am first and foremost yours ALWAYS ! Of course you knew that though. You say some of the funniest things sometimes. And not to mention the funny things you do. The other day you pooped in the potty (RARELY HAPPENS) Well when you got done and got up to flush you of course had to get mommy to flush it for you and as it was going down you said "BYEEEEE POOP!!!" I laughed so hard I cried. It was an amazing moment that I will surely never forget. You're really enjoying having me around these days. It used to be you wanted to play in your room alone while I got stuff done around the house but now you want me to come in the room and play with you or watch a movie with you. I am fine with it. Playing baby dolls and watching Tangled for the millionth time...there is nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with you my love. You have really just grown lately. And its breaking my heart all over again. Every month you get a little older and I see these changes in you and I definitely realize the passage of time is something I just have to live with...and I have to soak of every ounce of every moment with you because it does go so fast. Recently you probably saw mommy upset. A mother named Casey Anthony killed her little daughter that was the same age as you...and she got away with it. I know you don't understand that now but you will one day...and I just was so shaken by this trial and the story. It was heartbreaking. I hugged you tight for a while the night they announced her not guilty. I am not sure exactly why it made me want to hold you but it did. I guess it just made me realize that someone out there killed that 2 year old girl no matter who it was she was killed and it hit to close to home. And I just wanted you to know I will never let anything happen to you my angel. You are my world and you always will be. I would lay down my own life if it meant you would live a long healthy and happy life. I just love you Kaci. You're my best friend. In fact I am gonna go snuggle up next to you right now and go to sleep. I love you my angel.

-Mommy

Dear Kaci...2 years old.

I don't even know how to put the words together to tell you how I feel. You turning 2 has been something I knew was coming and thought that I couldn't wait for it to be here and now that is it here...I just want to go back. I want time to slow down. I feel as if I just woke up one day and you went from that tiny fragile 7 pounds miracle to this amazing little 2 year old who is talking and being so independent I don't know how to keep up. I am so very proud of you my angel. I know that I say it all the time but Kaci you really are a miracle. Every parent feels that way about their children but you honestly are. Since before I got pregnant with you...challenges in life have been fighting against you. From finding out 3 months before I was pregnant with you that I "couldn't" have children, and then the white spot and cyst on your brain that magically went away while I was pregnant with you, and then the life threatening surgery you had to repair your bowel and you didn't lose ANY bowel at all...yes my darling you truley are a miracle. I sit here day after day and I feel like we just don't have enough time. I try so hard everyday to savor each second. To take in every new thing you do...but there just aren't enough hours in the day to experience all the amazing things you do.

I thought when I was younger that I wanted to finish school and then get my youth out of me before having children. I always thought that I wanted to work and have fun with my friends and maybe after I was done with all that I might have children. I never really pictured myself having kids because I honestly never had that dream. It was something that I just imagined I would do later in life....but then you came along. And you helped me realize a dream that I never knew that I had. I look at you and I am just so amazed that I created you. That I held you in my body and made you. Its unreal. I never thought I could create such perfection. But, my gosh am I glad that I did.

On this day my beautiful little girl...I just want you to know how loved you are. How wanted you were. And how precious your presence is to me. Your smile when I come in your room in the mornings seems to be able to brighten up even the darkest of days. Your hugs and kisses in the moments that I need them the most can remove every single dark cloud that life throws at me. I hope that one day you can thank God for giving me to you as a mother like I thank God for giving me your mimi as mine...but sweetie I am the lucky one. I thank God everyday for giving me you. I feel so blessed to be your mother. I know there is a God when I look at you...and that he chose me to be your mommy...I don't know why but I won't question it because you are the absolute be thing to ever happen to me...and I don't know what I would do without you my sweet angel. So I hope you had an amazing birthday and I can't wait to have many many more with you.
I love you my little miracle.
Love,
Mommy

Dear Kaci 23 months...

I cannot believe that in less than a month you will be 2. I can't even begin to describe how crazy it is to say I have a 2 year old ! You are so crazy lately. You talk CONSTANTLY I swear its like you woke up one morning and decided to talk. You doctor said that a child your age should be saying between 15-25 words and your daddy and I wrote out how many words you are saying and you say right around 50. I was shocked. I guess when I hear you say them I don't realize just how many you say. But of course you are so smart I don't know why I was so shocked. You are absolutely the most amazing baby on this planet. I have been hard at work planning your birthday party. Its going to be zebra print themed. I got you a zebra print skirt and I got a hot pink shirt and I am putting a zebra print 2 on it and you have a bow and sunglasses to match. And your daddys cousin is making you a zebra print cake. She made our wedding cake so I know she will do amazing ! I am so excited for you to get the day to spend with all your family in one place. I know you miss your nana and papa when you can't seem them. Lets just hope the weather isn't a repeat of last year since your birthday was the day of the worst flooding Tennessee has ever seen. And we had 2 tornado warnings for our area during your party also haha. So yea I am hoping for nice weather this year for sure. I went back and forth on whether or not to rent a place for your birthday or have it at the house I eventually decided that it was would be nuts to spend over 150 dollars renting out a place for a 2nd birthday. Maybe for your 3rd but I think you would enjoy it just being at the house this year. Luckily daddy got his grill fixed so we are gonna grill out and have a good day just praying for a beautiful day this year ! If its not we will still have fun ! And you don't know it yet but you are getting an AWESOME birthday present. Mommy and daddy are buying you a car. Of course not a real car but an electric car just your size. Still havent decided completely on which one we are getting but you are definitely going to be riding around in style next month ! I am just still in shock that I will have a 2 year old in just a few short weeks. But Kaci I am so incredibly grateful to have you. You are so amazing and I feel so blessed to have you. I don't want to say to much in this letter. Gonna save all the mushy good stuff for your birthday letter next month. I love you my baby !!
-Mommy

Dear Kaci 21 and 22 months

I am so sorry my baby that I forgot to write your 21 month letter. Things have been so hectic around here that mommy just had a brain fart. I hope you will forgive me. Mommy is so proud of you. You are learning how to talk to much more now. Just this past month I have started to really be able to understand what you are trying to tell me and I love it. When you want something you point to it and say "I want" and if I pick up the wrong thing I get a big "NOOOOOO". I know I am not supposed to laugh when you say no but gosh it is so cute I can't help myself. The terrible twos aren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. You throw a temper tantrum every now and then but nothing that I can't handle. You are seriously so well behaved I feel blessed. I mean don't get me wrong you have your moments thats for sure but for the most part I have no complaints. You are spoiled rotten. But hey I wouldn't have you any other way. We recently got you a new bedroom suit and you LOVE IT !! Its got a big girl bed instead of that small toddler bed that you couldn't move around in. And your MiMi got you a flat screen tv instead of that old thing you had in there before. I feel so blessed to have your MiMi here and I know you love it too...Anytime I don't give you your way you start yelling for MiMi but she loves it and I really don't mind. We recently had your Uncle Mikey and Aunt Jayas baby shower here at our house and you were so well behaved. You followed Uncle Mikey around pretty much the whole time and when he left you were walking around the house for days saying "Mikey?? Mikey??" It was so precious. You really do love him and I am so glad cause he loves you so so much. Your baby dedication was a few weeks ago and you were on your best behavior there as well. You looked so beautiful in your little pink dress and when they were singing you got up and started dancing. It was awesome. I can't think of a better way to give you back to God. Since you really belong to him he just loaned you to me :). And I am so blessed that he chose me to be your mother. I couldn't have hand picked a more perfect child even if I had had the chance. You are everything I ever wanted and more. I feel so lucky lately. Things are falling into place. Daddy and I have been doing amazing lately I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. I start school March 8th and I am very excited to better myself not only for me but for you and your daddy as well. Your MiMi gets to go back to work. I just love life...I couldn't ask for a more fulfilling life than the one I have and I know that I owe it all to God. We have been going to church and I just love knowing that you are going to be brought up knowing God. I know I am jumping from one subject to the next but the point is I love you more than anything baby and I cannot believe you are 22 months old. in just 2 short months you will be 2 years old and I don't even know how to comprehend that. You are growing up way to fast for me and while I love it and I also don't because you are slowly becoming your own little person who doesn't need mommy as much. But we won't get into all that. I love you baby and heres to another amazing month being in your presence.

Miserable People...

Things lately have been looking up. I feel like I have been so much happier lately than I have been the past few months. I had just been a in a funk and I finally found my way out. This week has been exceptionally great because we found out my mom gets to go back to work :) she gets to keep her insurance so when and IF she needs the transplant she has the coverage for it! On top of that we have been going to church the past few weeks...I honestly think that is what I needed to pull myself out of the funk. We are having Kaci dedicated to God on the 20th at our new church and I just cannot WAIT to witness it! Also financially speaking we are doing great ! Bills caught up and actually ahead on most of them...it feels good to be stable again. And my marriage...has been wonderful. We are working together to build our relationship into a stronger one and its working really well for us.

But, there are some miserable people out there who just can't seem to be happy for me. They feel its their place obviously to bring me down. And not DIRECTLY saying they are trying to do it I guess they think makes it less obvious to me but I am not dumb. I don't understand why people can't just not say anything at all if they have nothing nice to say. It's really actually humorous to me that these people are THAT miserable in their own lives that they have to TRY to bring me down. But, sadly their attempts at trying to make me as miserable as they are have failed. I am happy and for once I refuse to apologize for being happy. I have no reason to lie or put on a front about it...I AM HAPPY and it burns you and you know what? I don't care because I will continue to be exactly what I am. Life is to short for me to sit back and worry about what you feel or how you feel about me...I am tired of worrying about what I am gonna say and wondering if its going to upset someone if I say the wrong thing. I am tired of letting others push me around...its went on WAY to long. I am ready to be happy 24/7 and if that means pushing the negative and miserable people out of my life then so be it. I refuse to be anyones doormat. I just can't stand miserable people...Live your own life and STOP worrying about mine. Kay thanks bye !

My mother, My hero...

There are just no words to describe my mother. Anyone who meets her will tell you that she is the craziest person they have ever met but in a REALLY good way. She is the funniest mom anyone could ask for. Not a day goes by that she doesn't find some way to make me laugh and put a smile on my face. While being funny and outgoing are great qualities in a mom...trust me she has so many more...She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She NEVER thinks about herself. EVER !! When she gets any amount of money she NEVER wants to spend it on herself...she wants to buy everyone else things they want. She is always thinking of others. I just can't imagine my life without her.

I don't show my appreciation enough to my mom for being the most amazing mother on this planet...and I should because she won't be around forever. Honestly, we didn't think she would be here now. With doctors looking at you and telling you that your mother would never see you graduate,get married, or have children...you tend to lose a whole lot of enjoyment in life. From the moment those doctors told me that...I have not wanted to be without my mom. I get nervous when she is away from me for more than a day. I just don't ever want to lose her. And every single day since that doctor said that I have thought..."what if this is the day?" and I don't ever want it to be that day. I want her here forever. I want her here everyday to watch Kaci grow up and make her a great grandmother someday...I want so badly to know that she is going to get a transplant for sure and that things are going to work out perfectly but I just don't...I don't know what the future holds and honestly that terrifies me. I know I have to put it in Gods hands and I did but she just means so much to me. But this post isn't supposed to be talking about her dying. I just needed to show my appreciation and love to my mother. Getting to spend the day with her today ALL day has just made it the best day I have had in such a long time. I love you so much mom...you are my best friend...no matter how much we argue and disagree I will always love you so much and you will always be my best friend and my hero just like you always have been. I am just so thankful that God blessed me with you as my mom because nobody else would have done such an amazing job. Thank you for always being you mom.

I have so much to say...

At the same time though I really feel like I have ONE thing to say. I am a good mother. I don't know where anyone got the impression that I am not but I assure you...you were misinformed. Finding out that some people assume that my mom takes care of my child for me was a real slap in the face especially when me,my mom,Brandon, and ANYONE else who has ever been around me knows the truth. Anytime you see me...you see Kaci. She is with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I wouldn't have it any other way. When Kaci was about 0-3 months old my mom helped me...SHE DID NOT DO IT FOR ME she HELPED me because I was a new mother and I was overwhelmed with my daughter having surgery and my husband being out of town...But like I said over and over again she HELPED me...there is a huge difference between doing it for me and helping me...and my mother will vouch for me on this...I take care of my daughter I have since the moment she was born and I will keep taking care of her until the day I die. I don't mean to be rude or sound like I am jumping anyone because I'm not...this post IS NOT directed towards just one person in particular I have had at least 2 people in the past few months accuse me of not being a mother. This is just a touchy subject to me. Because, well...I don't feel like I have ever really done ANYTHING right in my life...except Kaci. I feel like I pretty much failed in ever other aspect of my life except being a mother to her. It is the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my entire reason for existence. I get up with her throughout the night if she needs me. I get up in the morning with her and we eat breakfast together. We play after that. Then she takes a nap and I clean usually. When she gets up from her nap we play some more or go run errands. And then at night I feed her dinner give her a bath and put her to bed...before she turned 15 months old I rocked her to sleep EVERYNIGHT. I would do anything for that little girl...I would die for her in an instant...If all those things mean that I do not take care of my daughter then I think you have some learning to do. My mom does not help me anymore. My mom lives with me so that we can help each other out FINANCIALLY. She does not clean my house for me nor does she take care of my daughter. Yes, sometimes if I get done drinking out of a glass and i sit it on the table and I haven't taken it to the kitchen yet she will take it for me but not because she thinks I wont do it...because she has the motherly instinct...just like I do with my child. I am so over having to defend myself because people think its their place in life to tell me what I do and don't do with MY child. I am a fantastic mother. If I did everything else in my life wrong I know that Kaci is the one thing that I did right. I guess I just get bothered by people who know zero about my life but feel its their right to state their opinion. Especially when their opinion could not be more wrong. I love you Kaci Jade.