The loss of a child...

There comes a time in life where everyone will grieve. Every single person on this planet will lose someone they once cared about whether it be a family member or friend. But, not everyone will know the grief of losing a child. I've never known this grief and I pray that I never will. But, in this past week my cousin(who is like my sister) gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Jackson. The birth did not go as planned and there were many mistakes made by doctors and nurses at the hospital that my cousin was at. Little Jackson was stuck in the birth canal for a while. He was without oxygen for a while. In order to get him out they had to break his clavicle and his arm. He was born quiet and still and not breathing. The doctors revived him a few moments later but I believe in all of our hearts we knew that this was the end. He was transferred to another hospital where his heart gave out 2 days later and he went to be with God. It was very sudden and unexpected because her pregnancy was so perfect, so routine. He was a healthy baby. We all expected to be at the hospital and hold him and love on him and shower him with presents he couldn't even use yet...but we stood in the hall listening to my cousin scream in agony. Screaming "I'm pushing as hard as I can !!"...she was doing what any mother would do in that time and that was fight for son. She begged for a c-section ,she pushed until she could not breathe, and she watched as her son came into this world already gone. I sat frozen in the waiting room. As I was walking down the hallway to go in her room I was trying my best to go over what I would say to her. When I got in there I grabbed her hand and told her "he will be just fine" even though I believe even she knew that he wouldn't be. She felt guilt that this was her fault, that she had not pushed hard enough. I think we were all at a loss for the right words at that point. 2 days later he was still alive and even though he was hooked up to monitors and IVs everywhere I believe the fact that he made it 2 days had given all of us some hope. My cousin was finally discharged from the hospital that morning and made the long drive to the other hospital where her sweet boy was. It wasn't but a few hours later that we got the call he had went to be with our Lord. It was like he waited for his mommy and daddy to be there and he felt their presence and he knew he could go then. My heart broke into a million pieces thinking of my cousin and her husband. I looked over at Kaci and my eyes were welled up with tears as she asked me "whats wrong mama?". I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her as tight as I could. She wouldn't understand this even if I tried to explain it so I just held her and it's as if she knew I needed it at that moment because she usually attempts to wiggle out of my hugs but not this time...she just sat there and pat me on the back and let me hold her as long as I needed to while I cried. The pit in my stomach grew as we got closer to the day of the funeral. At this point none of us had actually gotten a chance to see little Jackson so this would be the first and last. I have been to 3 baby funerals in my life...and its been 3 too many. But, this was different. The others were my friends children and while it was horrible...this was Ashleys son. The same Ashley that I grew up with. Spent summer days swimming in our nannys pool together, spent nights building Barbie towns that were so elaborate by the time we built them we were so tired we could no longer even play, this was Ashley...how do I even begin to tell her how sorry I am. Will that make any difference in her eyes? I have a child and I can imagine what it would be like but I can never fully know what Ashley feels. I was quiet the whole ride to the funeral home. As I walked in and signed the book outside the door I knew that this was it, I had to think of something to say to her, something that was going to make all of this go away and she was going to feel better. When I saw her standing next to his tiny casket crying her eyes out I knew then, nothing that I say will matter. She turned and looked over her moms shoulder and saw me and held her arms open for me to come and hug her. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. This is what she needed. Just to let it out. We stood there and cried together and I heard through the crying her say "Brittany, I just want him back !!", all I could muster up was "I know, I know". After we stood there for a while she wanted to take me over to see her son. Like the proud mama she is she showed him to me and though she was crying slightly I could see her eyes light up when she spoke about him. She showed me his big ol hands, his soft hair, his tiny little lips, his chubby little cheeks, and his nose that looked just like hers. She rubbed his face and his hands and said "He is so perfect, isn't he?" Of course he was. He was beautiful. Other people got to the funeral home and wanted to see her and him so I stepped aside but periodically I would come back up and just hold her hand and look at him with her and we would talk about how beautiful we was. I would watch her from a distance and I would catch small moments where she would smile while she looked at him. That mothers love we all feel when we see our babies...she felt it. Even though he was gone she still felt it. I watched her as she stared off into space and I wondered, what could she be thinking?? The day passed all too quickly and he was buried in a plot next to his uncle Josh, Ashleys brother who had died a little over ten years ago. Now, as I sit here writing this its all still fresh in my mind so I can only imagine how fresh it feels in Ashleys. She now has a room where her healthy baby boy was supposed to be sleeping in, she has no pictures of her son, she has a mold of his hands and feet, and she has a hole in her heart. I'll never understand the purpose for things like this happening and maybe we will never know what Gods plan is but... None of this is fair or right. This is something no mother should ever have to go through. She wanted this baby, and her and her husband tried for almost a year to conceive him. He was going to be so loved and taken care of. She would have been an amazing mother. And in the future I hope that she gets that chance again. I know that it will not take Jacksons place but perhaps it will help fill that hole in her heart just a tiny bit. I hope with time Ashley can heal and be comforted knowing that she has a precious angel in Heaven watching over her. And though Jackson is not with us in the flesh, he will live on in our hearts forever. RIP Jackson Raymond 05/20/2013-05/22/2013