I just realized...

I posted my "Not Me Monday" on Tuesday... that is how messed up I am lately. I dont know where my head is anymore...
So my dad has hurt me once again. I was on my way to get him to take him to his sisters funeral and my mom called me and told me not to go cause dad couldn't leave the halfway house he is living at and I asked why and she gave me some lame excuse that he got into an altercation with some guy and I know my dad and I doubt that would have happened the way she said it did. So I got home and she told me the real reason...He got a dirty urine. Methadone... Again... When does it end? Methadone has ruled my life...my entire life and I have never even touched the stuff. It not only has ruined my fathers life but it is slowly ruining mine. Why do I keep letting him hurt me? Why am I so stupid...

I just need a friend to talk to so bad right now and guess what?? I have nobody...All my friends have their own lives now and arent at all worried about my problems...
Pfft who would be?? As many times as I have let him do this to me I would get tired of hearing it to..

Not Me Monday

So its my second week in a row doing the not me mondays !!

I did not get mad at my husband because my friends "boyfriend" sent her flowers just because it was tuesday and he is over in Iraq !!!

I don't have much else to say. Things are a little crazy over here lately. My aunt died yesterday... My dad is really upset about it. His family doesn't even want him at the funeral...it pisses me off so I am going with him just in case his other sister or someone says something out of line cause he won't stick up for himself and I refuse to let those people belittle him because of his past. I know he has screwed up tremendously but he is my father and I stand by him as I know he would stand by me.
I miss my daddy so much....it will be nice to spend some time with him...I just wish it was under different circumstances.

I just can't get enough...

I really can't ... I love Kaci so much. I have been reading some blogs lately about parents who lost their babies due to illness or SIDS and I just am so thankful for my healthy baby girl. I know we had a bit of a speedbump in the beginning cause of her malrotation and surgery all that but she made it through that and is now my happy and healthy angel. I love her. Gosh, I just never thought it was possible to love someone this much. She is my whole heart. How could someone be so perfect? She just makes me want to be a better person. She gives me strength when I am weak. Ahhh I just can't breath sometimes because I am just so in love with my little baby. I have waited forever to be a mommy but I never thought that it would be this wonderful. Its so crazy how quickly my priorities changed. It seems like just yesterday I was a stupid teenage girl running around getting into SERIOUS trouble with my friends and now here I am a mommy. I love my life... I really do.
In other news I just purchased 3 books online used. I got all 3 for 22.00 and that is with shipping and tax and everything. My husband I hope will be proud for my bargain shopping hehe. I haven't gotten to read much lately so it will be nice to sit down with a good book while Kaci is napping.
Also, I just wanted to say that on this day last year I was conceiving my daughter !!! That is right one year ago today me and hubby did the deed and made my wonderful little angel !! On my brothers birthday hahahah !
I will cherish this day. And September 4th is slowly approaching and thats the day I found out I was expecting my little miracle... ahhh I love to think back !
I love her so much !!!!!

Ahhh Friday...

It's like breathing a sigh of relief. I see my hubby all week long when he gets off work but its nice to know that he is mine the next 2 nights and we don't have to worry about waking up early for work. Now waking up early for Kaci is a different story. But, she goes right back to sleep so she is good. Either way its nice.
I bought Kaci a jumperoo tonight. Wow, that thing is expensive. 85 dollars and we sat her in it and she looked around at it for a while and enjoyed the lights and then screamed when she was ready to get out. She will really grow to love it more I am excited.
I am putting this whole my mom being sick thing behind me...I just cant sit here day in and day out and worry. I mean we are all gonna die someday...I just wish her day wasn't as soon as it might be. But, also doctors don't know everything. I gotta keep telling myself that. I mean 6 years ago they told her she would be dead in 3 so God has his own plans and thats obvious.
Speaking of God...I want to become closer to him. I feel as if I have strayed a bit and I hate that. Going to church is in our near future I really think we need to. The only issue we have is he is Church of Christ and I am Baptist. Now, I got married in the Church of Christ he grew up in but I don't wanna go to church in one.
I guess a non-denominational church is what it will be.
I dunno but Kaci is in the jumperoo again so im gonna go play with her.
Bye guys !
Brittany<3

My mother...

There are no words for me to describe exactly what my mother means to me. There is no simple word to tell you just how wonderful she really is. I don't know how I would've survived anything without her. My father was there growing up but that was really all he was...was there. He never parented me, he never helped me through hard times. My mom stepped up and was the father and mother that I needed through everything. She was not only my mother she was my best friend. She is to this day still my best friend. The person I run to when I am upset. I think a part of why I resent Brandons mother is because she may be here to watch Kaci grow up where as my mom is almost surely not going to be. Its not fair. Why does the one person who I need more than anything have to miss the very thing she has been waiting for forever. I know Brandons mom is happy to be a grandma but my mom ...she loves Kaci like she was her own. She comes in a tells me all the time how much she loves her and how she is scared Kaci wont remember her. It breaks my heart. It kills me to think that Kaci wont get to remember the most wonderful human being on the planet. This just isn't fair. I don't wanna lose my mom. This is killing me....Please just someone help me.

Not Me Monday

Okay so I follow a few blogs that do the "Not me Monday" so I figured its about time I start doing it. It seems fun so here goes...

Today I DID NOT sleep in until almost 1 o' clock in the afternoon. I also DID NOT put the pacifier in my daughters mouth to get just an extra hour of sleep. I would NEVER do that.
I DID NOT show my daughter how to put her thumb in her mouth because I could tell she really wanted it.
I also DID NOT get up and eat pizza rolls for breakfast along with a mini cookies and cream hershey bar. That is just unhealthy !!
I DID NOT let my daughter lay beside me on the couch with her paci in her mouth and put herself to sleep. ( I actually really didn't think she would fall asleep lol)
I DID NOT watch the lifetime movie network all night and most of the day today.

Now I am bored...and mom let her sugar get to low so I gotta go get her some food. bye bye for now.

My daughter laughed out loud !

Yes that is right my little angel laughed out loud for the first time yesterday and I caught it on camera !!! How lucky !!!
She has the sweetest laugh I have ever heard. I never imagined it sounding so angelic. She is amazing. I just thank God for her everyday. I just stared at her sleeping earlier and I swear that is just the most amazing thing in the world to just look at her and see how beautiful she is and know that I did that. I made that little perfect baby that brings such joy to my life. It feels like she was always here...I don't even remember what it was like without her.
I love her so much more than I ever could have imagined loving someone.