It's that time of year...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I felt compelled to write down the things that I am thankful for because, lets face it, I have a lot to be thankful for and I want to give credit where credit is due.

I am so thankful for my daughter...She is 18 months old but gives me so much joy. When I see her face everyday I know that its going to be okay no matter how bad some things get. She is absolute perfection. She came into my life and has been making each and everyday brighter since then. I am so thankful for her health and her growth. I am thankful for her every single day and my life is so much better with her in it. Every second of everyday I am thankful for her. Through the temper tantrums to the being sweet and loving she is my rock. My source of strength when I am weak. My sunshine in the rain. She saved me in more ways than one and I am forever grateful for her. Who knows where my life would be without her...but I don't want to know because life without her is a dark place that I NEVER want to be again. I love you Kaci Jade !

I am so thankful for my husband. I don't know where I would be without him. We have had some rough time and some good times but through it all I don't want anyone else but him. I am so thankful that he has a job to go to and works hard for me and my daughter everyday. I am so thankful to have such a GOOD man...not one that is going to cheat on me or treat me bad. I see all these girls out here with LOSERS like that and I am just so thankful to have found that one in a million man. He is amazing and I love him so much !

I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for her health and the fact that she doesn't need the transplant just yet but I am also thankful that when she does need it she is pretty much guaranteed to get it. I don't know what I would do on a daily basis without her. She helps me so much and I love her so much for it. She is my best friend and Kaci LOVES her MiMi so much.

I am thankful for family. It may be dysfunctional at times but I do love my family. They are crazy and out of this world but I have such a blast with them and am so thankful to call them mine.

I am thankful to have a best friend. I may not have many friends...actually I have a lot of acquaintances but I can tell you one thing...I have at least 1 friend. My Chloe bear...she has been there for me through so much and never turned her back on me. She never judges me and always knows just what to say to make things better. We have had ups and downs but at the end of the day I and so thankful to have her in my life and I never EVER want to experience like without her again.

And last but not least I am so thankful for God. He helps me make it through each day. He gives me strength and has helped me learn patience and has pushed me when all I wanted to do was give up. I am so thankful that he is forgiving of all of us for our sins and wrongdoings. He is an AWESOME God and doesn't get the credit that he deserves from some but I know that he is the reason that I am the person I am today. He showed me through Kaci and Brandon that I needed to get my act together and grow up. I am so thankful that he showed me exactly where my life would be if I had stayed on the partying and stupid path I was on...I was going nowhere because that is exactly where that leads. And I will forever be grateful for his undying love.

-ME

50 free Christmas Cards? I think so !!!!!

I am so excited right now !! Shutterfly is offering 50 free holiday cards to blog holders !!! How exciting is this?? Seriously that is a FABULOUS offer and would be so nice to have because, well...we have never sent out a family Christmas card. This would give us a chance to send on out as well as show off Shutterflys amazingly wonderful cards !! I recently ordered my moms Christmas present from Kaci off of the Shutterfly website !! Without going into to much detail because I don't want mom to know what it is, its something so special that she can have forever of her and Kaci. Its so special to me to be able to do something like that for my mom !

I am having some issues deciding on which holiday card to pick out. My blogger is not letting me post pictures right now for some unknown reason but you can find a list of the Christmas photo cards right HERE. I really like the "Oh joy joy" one I am really thinking that is the one but just not sure. There are also so many more to choose from right HERE. From that page I really like the "Starlight joy" one its just too cute and would be perfect with Kaci's face on it!!

I have also been thinking of ordering a 2011 calendar with Kaci's pictures in it. And shutterfly has such an amazing selection !! You can find their selection here.

I am just so thankful to shutterfly for this amazing offer and I wanted to share with all my mommy bloggers out there and let you guys share in this AWESOME deal !!! ENJOY !!

I've watched you...

Kaci Jade...I have sat back this short 18 months and just watched you. I have watched in amazement at the things you do and learn each day. I have watched you learn to say new words like "Mama", "Dada, "MiMi", "Cat", "Dog, and your personal favorite "No". You say so much I can't keep track of it all. I have watched you learn to crawl when I expected you to never do it. I thought you would never crawl but you surprised us all by taking off overnight without little practice. I have watched you learn to walk...literally you took off like you had been doing it for years. I have watched you go from sleeping in the bed with mommy and daddy and sometimes MiMi to sleeping in your big girl bed...Of course you didn't want a crib you wanted an actual toddler bed. My big big girl. I have watched you go through your very first Christmas. You were so good when you had your picture taken with Santa. You weren't scared at all. I have watched you learn to dance...and you haven't stopped since. I have watched you learn to sit up on your own...and boy did you love doing that. You used to love sitting in your bumbo seat (when you could fit in it...your butt got big fast so that didn't last as long as you wanted it to) and watch tv. I watched you learn to eat baby food. Your favorite was sweet potatoes but you also loved squash and bananas. I have watched you learn to roll over for the first time when,like everything else you did, I thought you weren't going to do and all of the sudden you decided to do it. I have watched you laugh for the first time...and from that moment up until now that moment was in close line with the first time you said "Mama" for my favorite moment ever. Your laugh and your voice are the sweetest sounds I have ever heard.

I have watched you suffer...something a parent should never have to see their child go through. The moment I found out that something was wrong and you would need surgery...my heart sank. I have never in my life felt so much heartache than in the day I found out and the days and weeks thereafter that I had to leave you in the NICU and didn't get to take you home. Leaving the hospital without your child...is the worst feeling in the entire world. Hearing the doctors tell you that they just don't know if you will make it until they actually do the surgery because your bowel could be to far gone for them to save...was WAY to much to bear. Then...I watched you shock the doctors one by one. They were sure that you were going to lose some if not all of your intestines. And to their amazement my little angel...you lost ZERO ! Your bowel was perfect! I'll never forget the doctor looking at me and saying that this was a miracle. He said it was just amazing that you had lost none. He does that surgery alot and she said that most children lose at least a little but not you...my baby you are a miracle. I have watched you make this world a much better place to be in. You bring so much joy and life into this sometimes ugly place and you just make each day brighter with your beautiful smile. You can brighten even the worst of days. Kaci I don't know what provoked me to write this but I guess I just wanted you to know how much I love you. I want you to look back on this and know that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you so much Kaci...always and forever !

Reminded...

I love my husband. Lately I have been looking at him in a different light. I'm not going to be one to sit here and lie to you...my marriage has not been easy. We found out I was pregnant 3 weeks after our wedding. It was a definite shocker, a good shocker but also put a strain on our relationship. All of the sudden we weren't newlyweds...we were soon to be parents. It was like a complete 180 in our relationship as well. We were so excited to be parents but at the same time I think we were focused so much on our little bundle of joy we lost sight of US. And the means a lot. Kaci is the best thing to ever happen to us. But, we focus so much of our attention on her that we don't focus on our marriage at all and so sometimes we have to take a step back and have some us time. But back to my original topic. I have looked at him so differently lately. We were having some issues. I am not going to blaze mine and my husbands issues on here but I will say that words were thrown out about separation. Not something I ever wanted to do but when you feel like you have had the same argument over and over again it almost feels like you have to do something to show him that I am serious. But, these past few days I have gotten a look at some women that I know...and their men. And I even had a certain guy try to be sweet and loving towards me and try to sweet talk me...and honestly...I wasn't having it. I looked around at these girls I know and their boyfriends or husbands and I just feel lucky. No, he isn't perfect...but I am so blessed. I looked at the person trying to steal me from my husband and I knew that I was never ever going to leave Brandon because I don't want anyone else. From the moment I saw Brandon I was in love...ask anyone because its the truth. His smile, his eyes, his clumsiness, his laugh, his kisses...I love it all...When he comes up behind me and turns me around and just wraps his arms around me and hugs me so tight like he doesn't wanna let go...those moments make me realize how lucky I am. I have a man that goes out everyday and works SO hard for me and my daughter. To provide for us. 15 hour days sometimes...and doesn't complain about it. He loves us that much. I will admit I haven't been very appreciative of him...and it's just not right. He deserves so much more appreciation than I have given him. No, he isn't the most romantic man on the planet and he sometimes has issues showing emotions...but he is mine. I don't ever want to imagine life without him...not even for a second. He is my one and only. I don't care if you put the most gorgeous man on the planet in front of me I would want Brandon. I always have and always will...I just lost sight of it. I focused more on friendships with people who weren't even my friends than I did my marriage...and thats just not right. But, I know now what needs to be done. We have rediscovered our love for each other lately...it feels like it did when we first started dating...3 years ago. I just can't stop staring at him...how I ever thought I could be without him is beyond me...he is so amazing. I am sure we will have our disagreements still because no marriage is perfect but I know I have a good man. He doesn't cheat on me and NEVER will. He works hard for me and my daughter. He is such an amazing father...I fall in love with him all over again when I see him with Kaci...And he loves me. No matter whether he shows it all the time...he is in love with me. And I needed to be reminded of that. I love him so much...

You're gonna miss this...

These words ring over and over in my head when I get frustrated with my life. I love being a wife and mother but I am not jolly 100% of the time. Its hard work. No matter what anyone says being a mother in itself is a JOB but adding on household wife duties is just as much of a job as going and working somewhere. Sometimes I even find myself saying I would rather be at an office. But, then I look around and I see my baby girl becoming this little independent person right in front of my eyes...and it hits me. You're gonna miss this. The moments where she is so tired she is screaming her head off in the car on the way home because she just wants to go to sleep...I'll miss it. When she slaps me in the face or on the hand and tells me no...oh yes I will miss it. When my baby is no longer my baby I will look back at those hard times and beg for just a few more seconds of them just so I can have my little baby back. But, its not just the hard times I will miss...The good times...those will stick out in my head unlike any other. Rocking her to sleep...kissing booboos and making them better...getting kisses without having to fight her for them...her running up to me when she is being shy and wraps her arms around my legs as if to hug me and know that I can make it all better...Oh yes I will miss those times too. I know at times as mothers and wives we lose our patience more than we would like to. We have to count to 10 more than we would like to. We have to sneak into a closet and get out a few tears when you feel so overwhelmed we just can't take it anymore WAY more than we would like to...but amazingly...I'm gonna miss that too. Life just goes by so fast. I feel like I have blinked and my sweet baby is a toddler. And before I know it...she will be 2,3,4,5,10,16,18,20...I can't even imagine. Life is a crazy rollercoaster. But its the best rollercoaster I have ever been on. I am so thankful for my life and those in it and even in the good moments and the bad...I cant imagine living my life any other way. I can't imagine engulfing my life in drugs,partying, and sex...because honestly...that is not living. That is a road to death. And its a sure fire way to lose all the things that matter most. Those moments of pure bliss...and even the moments where you are so angry you want to pull your hair out...if they were gone...you're gonna miss them...

This post is going to be all over the place...

Early warning for those who don't want to read me jumping around like crazy. Although I dunno if it will jump around or not... I really don't plan these posts ahead of time I just sit down at my keyboard and type away my thoughts....so here we go.

I miss rocking Kaci to sleep. I miss being able to ask her for a kiss and not having to fight her for one. I miss my baby...someone has replaced her with a toddler. I won't lie the extra hour at night that I don't have to rock her has been nice...but honestly I miss her. That was our cuddle time but now she doesn't want it anymore she wanted to be a big girl and just go lay in bed and put herself to sleep...It broke my heart but I knew she was ready. Next is the pacifier...which I honestly won't miss. But, it is that one piece of her surgery that is still there except her scar of course...but the paci was Kaci's only source of comfort for 3 weeks while she was in the hospital. She was not able to be fed ANYTHING except IV fluids and antibiotics so she became attached to that thing. And I have not had the heart to take it away from her since. She only takes it when she is sleeping now but still I know how some people feel about it...she is 18 months old now so its getting that time...but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Everytime I take it out of her mouth or try to make her go to sleep without it she cries...and I remember her laying in that hospital room in the incubator not able to be held yet cause of all the wires and the only thing that gave her any sort of comfort was that paci...I can't do it. Some may look at it as me being an uncaring mom but honestly if you look at the reason I won't take it away you will know that the reason I won't take it away from her is because I love her so much...I just don't know.

Lately I have also been looking around at the people in my life and I think its time for some house cleaning. I just look at these people and they are going nowhere with their lives. Drugs and partying...such a waste. Maybe I am just different from some of the people I know but when I met Brandon and I had Kaci...my life changed.Not only because I believe that it had to but because I wanted it to. I thought about the things that matter most in life and if I wanted to keep those thing in my life then things had to change. Smoking weed all the freaking time...really where is that going to get you? Jail? No marriage? No kid? It doesn't seem worth it to me. And honestly that whole lifestyle doesn't seem even remotely appealing to me. They are living like we are still in high school. Those are all things we did back then. Before our children...before our marriages...before we grew up...or before I thought we grew up...apparently I did but some people are stuck in their old ways and its getting OLD to me. I can't put myself around it anymore. Its bad enough in my eyes to do drugs when have kids but when you do them when they are around...thats a line that you just don't cross. But, I suppose some people will never learn. I grew up I just wish they would follow but I expect to much from people I guess...I love these people but for the well being of my child and husband and myself I just can't be around them anymore. It's to much for me.

I am lucky though... I have a wonderful best friend who is on the same page as me. Who is at the exact same place in her life as me and is as fed up with immature people as I am. Chloe...she is just my best friend...She doesn't do drugs she doesn't get drunk all the time she doesn't have any interest in partying or being stupid...she is just a mom and wife just like me and we love our lives...it may sound boring to some but seriously I love it. I love not getting high...I love not partying...I love being a mommy and a wife...I love it all... and I love my best friend. She keeps me going. We been through alot and I know lots of people get mad because we are so close and because I hang with her instead of going out with them but in the end she was there when none of them were. She was my rock through the hardest of times and the best of times. She never deserted me when someone else came along. She was always there. And I am so lucky to have her. And she loves my child like she was her own and I feel the same about her children...I love them so much.

Well I told you this post might be all over the place... I think I kept it pretty solid though. If I didn't sorry just needed to get some things off my chest.

Dear Kaci, Halloween, 18 Months !

My goodness. Kaci I know I say it a lot but where has time gone? My sweet baby you are just such a toddler lately !! Getting into everything...running around...being ADORABLE !! You had your second Halloween yesterday but it was the first time you got to trick or treat. You were so amazed with the concept of hey we go to peoples doors and they give candy. I hope you don't think that is what happens year round. Of course it probably would happen if they saw your sweet face everytime they opened to door who could resist to give you candy honestly? You have been sick the past week. Luckily you are better. All week long you had a fever and of course if you read my last post you know you had a febrile seizure. No harm done...you are completely fine and perfect. You are walking so great you are still a bit clumsy but I honestly think that is your nature cause well...your daddy is clumsy so its only natural lol. I love it. I love that you are trying to run lately and you make this noise when you run just to hear what it sounds like when you bounce up and down and you realized that the noise goes in and out when you are running fast. Its funny. I'll have to get a video one day. I know one thing...you have missed your MiMi. She had to go to Florida for testing for her liver but she will be home in 2 days ! I cannot wait to be there to watch the moment you see your MiMi for the first time in 3 weeks...it will be amazing. I know MiMi misses you she tells me everyday on the phone. Well my darling I don't have much more to add just gonna post pics from this month so enjoy my angel.