Its about time.

Had to get myself out of that funk of the last post. It sucks not because I wanted a child but because I just wasn't expecting it to happen and its just a bit shocking still. But, I can't dwell.

I know that I have not done my letters to Kaci in a few weeks so that will be happening very soon and will be starting back weekly. School is going GREAT ! I have a 100 in one of my classes and a 98 in my other class. I am rocking it. Loving every second of it. I feel so acomplished already and its been 3 weeks lol. But, for me to be doing this well in school and actually doing my schoolwork and wanting to go to class and all that its a miracle and I am just so thankful that God is giving me the strength and ambition to keep going as well as taking care of Kaci and cleaning my house and cooking dinner and trying to get some reading in every now and then I am just...worn out sometimes but I love being a wife and mother and student and a Godly woman.

I am reading Twilight. Loving it. I saw New Moon the other day and I was pleased. I told myself I would not get sucked into the whole ordeal like everyone else and I did and I am okay iwth it lol. I love it !! And I am so Team Edward. He is so gorgeous and he sparkles !

On GREAT news... My father got out Wednesday. He has been awesome. He was supposed to go to the treatment place but they had nobody to check him in till Monday so he is staying here till then and I am so happy. I have enjoyed every second. Not being able to hug him and talk to him face to face and let him hold his grand daughter has seriously hurt me every day but now he is here and he is doing awesome. He has not once done drugs nor has he tried to get any. He is mellow and just a real joy to be around unlike he used to be. My mom is even happy to have him around and that is saying something. Kaci fell in love with her grandpa. She wont let just anyone hold her she cries everytime Brandons parents hold her and if any stranger holds her but not dad. She has never even seen him and she went in his arms and smiled the whole time she even cried when he handed her back to me she wanted him to carry her around wal-mart. I love it. Thanksgiving was amazing. The first holiday I have had my daddy with me in 3 years ! Life is amazing.

Gonna go lay next to Brandon and snuggle with him and Kaci.

I have no words.

Last night was simply...I have no words for it. I will warn you right now I may go into some details that are gross so ahead of time don't read if you get queasy easy. 3 days ago I started cramping it was time for my period so I assumed thats what it was. I started bleeding but something was different. It was not my normal kind of period and thats all I will say about it because I don't want to go into grave detail. Well the bleeding stopped but my cramping didn't by last night. I was in a little pain then all of the sudden it got worse. I had a sudden onset of MASSIVE stabbing pains and I threw up twice so mom said it was time to go to the ER around 3 a.m. I got there I automatically assumed it was another cyst rupturing since I am prone to them. They got me back there gave me the pain med and nausea meds and then did an ultrasound. What the nurse came in to tell me next was a shock. She came in and said did they tell you that you're pregnant? I said WHAT !????? No I can't be pregnant and then she stopped and said "oh, wait...you WERE pregnant." Now I was confused. She start explaining that I have something called a Blighted Ovum its a type of miscarriage. To shorten it I have the gestational sac that was meant to carry the baby but the baby never started growing. From what she told me it was my bodys way of telling me that something would have been wrong with the baby had it grown so my body automatically terminated it. She offered a D&C but I opted against it since she said its more than likely I would pass it on my own within the next few days and lo and behold this afternoon when I woke up from the drug induced coma they had me in I was gushing blood and semi-clot like formations as well. I am still bleeding but I believe I passed it all now I have to go to my regular doc in a few days to check my HCG levels to make sure they are not going up but they said they were 99.9% sure I was having a miscarriage and I knew I was today when I woke up. I have no clue why I am so upset over losing something I never knew I had. It's not like I needed another child right now or even wanted one but it still hurts somehow. I know there was never actually a baby inside there...but I am still sad. I came home and snuggled up to my daughter and held her as tight as I could. I know it wasn't God's plan obviously. It wasn't meant to be. Brandon and I both don't exactly know how to feel or think at this point but we are alright. He is being there for me and thats all I need. My mom was upset she knows that we aren't ready for another child but it brought back old memories for her cause she has 3 miscarriages when she was my age so she was upset but thankful that God's plan was done. I just needed to get this out...I have loads of homework to do so I have to get off here. Thanks for the prayers and thoughts ahead of time.
Brittany<3

Wordless Wednesday...

Not Me Monday!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


So this week I most certainly did not watch Maury and cry my eyes out during the entire show. Only some super pathetic person would cry over fathers denying their children and lie detector test results really !!! This week I also did not do my entire weeks homework for school on accident thinking that was just one nights homework. No, never because crazy people do a weeks worth of homework in one night on accident !!! I also did not break my 100 dollar printer today and go to wal-mart and buy a 40 dollar printer only to find that it was TEN TIMES better than my old one that was alot more money. Today, I also did not buy a hamburger and large chili cheese tot from sonic to only come home and not eat but a bite off the hamburger and one tater tot and decide I really didn't want that. Nope, cause nobody would be that wasteful (hubby ended up eating it so it didn't go to waste).

When will it end...

I can't do this. I am tired of sitting here day in and day out and holding it in. For the sake of those around me I hold it all in. I hold every single emotion I possibly can in...but right now I am losing it. I am losing it all. My mind is running a million miles a minute and I find it hard to breath. There is an elephant sitting on my chest...I hate feeling sorry for myself but right now my eyes are so tired from crying and my heart is heavy. Without going into details...My father is of course back in jail if I haven't already mentioned that. He gets out November 25th and has nowhere to go and I don't want him here. There is a half-way house willing to let him stay there but he wants nothing to do with it. He says its cause they treat him like a criminal...well he is..but I know why he doesn't want to stay there. They wont let him take drugs and I know thats exactly what he wants when he gets out. The first thanksgiving in 3 years that I would get to spend with him and he is probably going to be high...as usual. On top of that my husband and I...tonight we had it out. I am so tired of hurting. Its always about him. I am in this house day in and day out and I clean and cook and take care of our child and run errands AND go to school at night. All I ask is for a little appreciation for what I do. He thinks I do nothing. He thinks I merely sit on my butt all day and somehow all that stuff takes care of itself. I appreciate him going to work everyday for us but that does not mean he can not be a father to his child. He looks at spending time with his child as babysitting I think. Thats the way he makes me feel. He yelled at me today because I had the worst migraine in the world and he was off work and I asked him to watch Kaci while I took so tylenol and took a short nap because he knew I had not slept the night before...and he was angry because the Vikings were playing and he wanted to sit in front of the tv and not be "bothered" by me or Kaci. Is it that hard to watch tv and take care of your child? Its funny I do it day in and day out and guess what if she needs more attention from me and the tv is taking up that attention she needs I turn it off because thats what you do...you make sacrifices for your child because SHE COMES FIRST !!!!!!!! We both had a part in making this baby and we both should do our part to take care of her and he think simply cause he goes to work he has to do nothing else.
On top of that my poor baby is teething. These teeth are popping up left and right and she wakes up at all hours of the night crying in pain and I can do nothing for her. I have tried tylenol and orajel and teething tablets. And she just cries. I wish it was me. I want to take all her pain and put it on myself. And on top of all this I am going to school. Yes I am going online but it is stressful and suprisingly very hard work especially when you have been out of school for 2 years and don't remember anything. And to top all that off I am not sleeping. I toss and turn and I cant fall asleep. When I finally just knock out from pure exhaustion Kaci wakes up and is crying. Needless to say I am just...tired. I look in the mirror and I have huge bags under my eyes. I cry day in and day out and all I want is to lock myself in a room and shut out the world. I want a friend...but I have none. Well, I have none here. My best friend is in the hospital in Louisiana and I pray for her constantly and I miss her...she is the only person I have besides my mom as a friend. This is all just to much for me to handle. I am going to go lay in bed and cry myself to sleep again. I apologize if I sound stupid and I am feeling sorry for myself. I have alot on me right now and nobody else to listen to me....

Oh my goodness...

My child has a tooth. Well she has one tooth that has fully poked through and has one right next to it almost poked through so make that almost 2 teeth. The middle ones right on the bottom. My little stinker wouldn't let me grab a picture of them she barely will let me touch them. I can tell she has been majorly grumpy lately and I knew it had to be her teeth so I just popped my finger in there the other night and on the bottom I felt how swollen it was right there. It felt like her gums were full of fluid kind of so the next day I was giving her some tylenol and it ran out of her mouth so I used my finger to put it back in and WOAH !!! I felt a sharp little edge on the bottom !! I couldn't believe it. I cried. I smiled. I had a huge mix of emotions.
Then last night my husband and I decided to go see 2012 I had a bad feeling it was going to scare me but in all honesty it didn't scare me I cried the whole movie because all I thought about was my daughter and how I don't appreciate the days that I do have on this earth with her. That movie as incredible !! But, at the same time I know will scare millions of people thinking that those things are going to happen and I really don't believe it. My Lord will come get us before he ever let anything like that happen. But, what it did show was just terrible. Very realistic I couldn't believe some of the things I saw. But, I did come out with an appreciation for my life more. I plan to not only live each day like it were my last but to live a better life completely.
But, anyways my dear little snuggle bunny is napping so I think I am gonna go cuddle up to her. She is my wittle angel.

It's days like this....

Yep its been one of those days. My aunt Lorie died on Friday. She overdosed. I had not seen her in 2 years but I still am very sad. I loved her to death when I got to see her. Every Christmas she would tell me how much more beautiful I had gotten since the year before. She lived a few hours away so it was always hard to get to see her and my family over there very often. Her visitation was tonight. My mother and I tackled the hard task of getting Kaci in the car and driving a few hours to the funeral home to pay our respects. Kaci did surprisingly well in the car. The funeral home was a different story. Kaci screamed when anyone but me and mom held her. But, ya know some babies are just like that. Some of my family made me feel bad and said that I was gonna be really sorry that I let her get so "spoiled". Ya know I think thats a load of crap. Just because my baby doesn't want to be held by random strangers she isn't used to. She is my little princess and I am gonna parent her as I see fit and that doesn't include letting 50 million random people hold her and breath germs and everything on her while she screams and just let her scream until she is used to people... Sorry if that bothers them but I just won't.
Anyways...It just hasn't been a great weekend. More father drama as usual...but I won't bore you with my problems.
If you have checked out MckMamas Blog recently you would have noticed that little baby Stellan had his 2nd ablation today. He made it through spectacularly and is SVT FREE !!! If you are not familiar with his story please go over and read from the beginning trust me. I have been following her for a while now but just last night I actually went all the way to the beginning and read through her pregnancy with him and birth and all the struggles with his SVT and first ablation. She is such a strong woman. Please go read if you have a chance the story truley shows God's work and how he can create miracles. Her son Stellan is a true miracle just my like sweet baby is.
Also I had a nice little surprise in my mail today. I forgot to mention that I won a contest on my friend Jessica Blog and I got 3 hairbows for Kaci when she has enough hair !!! They are so cute I will put pics up of them later but I am so thankful I won the contest !! Thank you very much Jessica. And while Jessica is my friend IRL I really guessed the correct answer she did not give me any hints nor tell me. I just remembered her mentioning she loves Candy corn pumpkins lol.
Well, I am gonna go lay down next to my 2 favorite people.
Hope you guys are doing well.
OH P.S. !!!! I AM STARTING SCHOOL WEDNESDAY TO BECOME A MEDICAL ASSISTANT !!!!!!!!!!!!
My first 2 classes this semester are Academic strategies for the healthcare professional and Medical law and bioethics. They some hard so we will see. I have to maintain a "C" average to keep my financial aid so wish me luck !
I will leave you with a photo of my gorgeous daughter just cause I like to show her off in all her beauty.

Letters to Kaci...

Dear my turtle,
Yes that is right. You have a new nickname. You acquired this new name because when you wake up lately I will come in the room and you have your head just kinda popped up and you look like a little turtle poking its head out of its shell. Its the sweetest thing in the world. I can't believe you are already 6 months old ! Where did time go my angel? It seems just yesterday I was in the hospital having you and then you were in Vanderbilt having your surgery and now here you are. A half a year old. Its definitely bittersweet to me. I love and hate watching you grow up. Today we were in the floor doing our daily rolling around on the carpet exercise and you got up on 4's and scooted from one end of the room to the other. You didnt crawl you scooted but its a work in progress. You are doing wonderful my baby. We have been doing baby food for a few weeks now. You love and hate some of it. So far sweet potatoes are number 1 and number 2 has been carrots. You officially hate peas and green beans and the Vegetable turkey dinner (which I don't blame you). You were on the fence about Macoroni and cheese but you dont really seem that into it so we have stopped that. Of course your still drinking your formula but you are just not going through one big can in 2 days now haha. Your now sitting up so good on your own. Your still wobbly sometimes and fall over occasionally but for the most part you sit up by yourself. You have developed what I believe to be baby acne or some sort of rash from drooling so much. You go to the doctor for you 6 month check-up this week so hopefully Dr. Little will be able to tell me if that is in fact what it is and what we can do about it because Auntie Jessica will be coming soon and wants to do your pictures and we can't very well have you covered in that stuff. I love you so much my angel. Mommy is very tired right now so I gotta go lay next to you.

Half a year old??

Really? No way !!!!!! My daughter is 6 months old today...Bittersweet. While I enjoy watching her grow and watching the new things she does...I hate that it goes so fast. What happened to my sweet little baby whole really did nothing but sleep and eat and poop lol Now she is such a character !! I love her so much. Happy half year birthday my angel. I hope you enjoyed watching the Michael Jackson movie with mommy and mimi tonight cause you sure acted like you did. I am gonna go lay in bed next to you and daddy. I love you my little turtle !