This is what I get for relaxing and thinking all day...

I actually relaxed the past few days and didnt go many places and realized when I am at home and Im obviously alone cause hubby is ALWAYS at work and so is mom...all I do is think and get anxious. Yes, we all know about my fears of becoming a mother but gosh its getting worse. And to top it all off I am also having fears about my father getting out of jail. Long story short on that...my father robbed a bank in July of 2007. He was under the influence of xanex and methadone. My father and mother split up in May of 2007 and sold our home of 16 years and split the 14,000 they got back outta the house and my father got so depressed about not being around us that much anymore and started doing xanex. Now, my father has always been on methadone...recovering heroine addict so it was nothing new to me that he was on that but...My father doing something like that was CRAZY to me. I'll never forget the day the FBI guy brought in the pictures and made me sign them saying that was my father robbing an east Nashville bank of America. My father is due for release June 26th. I miss him more than anything in the world. We didnt always get along but he always loved me. He says he has changed and will never go back to the things that led up to him doing this terrible thing.
I am scared to death...Thats all I know because he has made these promises before to change and he never did but he also never went to jail for 2 years either. I just pray that God has done a work in him like he says he has. I want my daughter to have her grandpa in her life..and she looks just like him !! I look like my daddy and my little girl looks like me so in turn she looks like him. I told him this when he called the other night and he cried. He cries many times when he talks to me because he has missed so much. He missed walking me down the aisle at my wedding and he will miss my entire pregnancy and he will miss the birth of his first grandchild. He will be out when she is a month old.
I have to stop here because I am crying and I just cant write anymore...maybe some more later.

At a loss for words

I had a 4d ultrasound today and my daughter is...Beautiful. She is perfect in every way and I am so shocked at how much she looks like her mommy. She has my lips and her daddys nose we are thinking my eyes but she wouldnt open them that well so it was hard to tell. Either way she was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.

Fat and Sassy

Well, since my last post my little one FINALLY moved. I ended up calling my doctor and getting all worried and was about to leave for labor and delivery and I told Kaci if she would just move I would make us some strawberry muffins and what do ya know 30 seconds later the little angel just kicked away for about an hour...She loves her some strawberry muffins. She is already so mischievous lol.
On another note I will have EXCELLENT pictures for everyone to see of her next tuesday cause my mom and husband are buying me a 4d ultrasound for my birthday which is March 10th. We get a dvd of the ultrasound and pictures of her. We will actually see what she is gonna look like. Oh gosh I am WAY to excited.
Also, the first week of march my amazing hubby is taking me to Gatlinburg,Tn for a last little vacation together before she is born. It will be nice cause we never got to go on our honeymoon cause I found out a was pregnant and got so sick the week we were supposed to go so I am all to excited for the next few weeks.
As I am sitting here feeling her moving around in there its dawning on me that I have 12 weeks and 1 day left till her due date. She will probably be here in 10 or 11 weeks I think. Wow, I am going to be a mother is 3 short months...Oh man. I am so ready to not be pregnant anymore. Its not that I am not enjoying it cause I actually am lately with her moving and me not being sick anymore...but I just cant sleep. I either cant get comfortable or I just sit and stare at the walls for hours. Like right now I am SO tired I took a unisom and a whole phenergan...and what do ya know I couldnt fall asleep. So instead of sleeping I am up blogging and watching Quarantine...which is a very weird movie. I haven't decided yet if I like it or not. Its making me sorta dizzy though.
Oh yea I forgot my blood pressure jumped up to 136/118 the other night. but dropped down shortly after...but my pulse has stayed over 115 the past couple of days and even got up to 146 last night. I am a little concerned about this and will definitely mention it to my doc at my next appointment which is of course on my birthday. I will be 20 hehe wow. And my baby shower is March 7th !!! YAY !!
Anyways Ill shut up for now. Hope all is well with you guys.
Brittany<3

Semi-worried...

The past 2 days I have felt my child move once. Now, as active as she usually is this has me SUPER worried. I listened to her heartbeat with my at home monitor earlier and it sounded good but she will usually kick the heartbeat monitor or move away from it but she didnt. I dont know if this is cause to call the doctor or not. But I am worried cause my little acrobat usually is moving around like CRAZY !!
On another note I saw the most terrible thing last night. I went to subway to get my hubby some dinner to take to him at work and there was this older gentleman in front of me and he made general conversation with me and was actually very nice and he was also very nice to the other people around and the workers. Well I walk out to my car he got done right before me and he got in the car with his wife and I closed my doors and they had their doors closed and he started SCREAMING at her at the top of his lungs calling her every name in the book and all of the sudden i look over and he just starts punching her right in her face. She looked right at me and she already had a black eye from what I am guessing is another time when he got like this. But, I just felt her begging me to help and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't get out and say anything to him I mean I have my child and my life in my hands he couldve hurt me too. I just wish I couldve called the cops or something. Its really been on my mind the past 24 hours now and I just feel terrible that I did nothing. I just pray that she gets out of that situation cause it was obvious she was used to this type of treatment and nobody she ever have to be treated like that. It was terrible...he was very scary...
Brittany<3

A letter to my 15 year old self...

This idea is not mine I stole it from my friend Courtney. I would put a link to her blog in here but I have no clue how to do it.

Dear self,
You will be 15 years old March 10th. I just want to let you know that this next year is the year that changes your life...not sure if it is for the better or not. Just know that over this next year you need to lean on your mom for support. Over the summer nothing will change. Come November thats when the bad stuff starts. November 14 you will meet him. Yes, he is gorgeous, he is a smooth talker and promised you so much. He means none of this. Of course you don't know this at the time. I know your friends are pressuring you to do it...but stand strong in your faith in God and know that that is not what God wants you to do. November 15th of course you don't listen to your inner self and you will go ahead and give this boy you have known all of 24 hours the one thing that belongs to Brandon(your now husband). Oh how much you will regret this on your wedding day years later. You will wish that you had listened to your mom and God and your heart because you will remember telling yourself you didnt want to do it. But, they just kept saying you had to. Your 15 go ahead and do it everyone else is. But everyone else is not. You will soon find that out. When he doesnt call or barely even talk to you next time he sees you don't be hurt, don't start dressing like a whore and acting like one to get him to look at you again. But, of course you will and over the next few months he will keep taking advantage of your stupidity. Of course its not all his fault. When that party comes around and your mom begs you to go...DON'T !! Please don't leave you mom on her knees crying on the front porch as you run off to get in the car with him. This night will only hurt you both. You will find out what happens this night I don't need to go into details because they are all to horrific to talk about. Just know that you will grow from this and the names that people call you after they see the video mean nothing and you are not any of those things. Please from now on know that you are a good human being...and you deserve nothing but the best. Though there will be a few other guys in between over the years just know that you have a WONDERFUL man waiting to meet you on March 31, 2007. You will be in love instantly and just go with it. Because On september 4th,2008 you will find out the best news of your life. You are expecting your first amazing little girl. Although getting to this point will not be easy...Your mom will get even more sick...its not going to be easy watching the chemo treatments every week taking a huge toll on her body and then the doctors telling you its not doing anything but please just stay strong not only for yourself but for your mother. She is the greatest and most wonderful person in the world and you will never ever have anyone like her again. Your father...he will rob a bank and be put in jail...but don't let it beat you down. It's not your fault. I know you will blame yourself but he had to hit rock bottom somehow and this time he did. Just keep your guard up because people promise things in jail that they don't keep when they are on the outside. He still isn't out so I don't know how this ends but I will let you know....

Brittany<3

Kicking away

My child is crazy. She has been kicking me more than ever lately. And not only does she kick I can see my belly jumping. Ill sit the remote or my cell phone on my belly and you can just watch her moving it. Its simply amazing. I can't believe that I have 95 days left till my due date. Its coming quicker than I imagined.
On a side note my mom ordered my stroller/car seat combo. Its tan and has circus animals and stuff on it. Its so cute !! I guess I am gonna get my 200 dollar breast pump with my income tax and some more stuff for Kaci cause I have nothing else to really spend it on. I wish my hubby would let me get us a new bed but of course he doesnt think we need one. WE DO !! Lets just say that bed is so old my brother and I were conceived on the bed lol my brother is 28. Yea its super old we are in desperate need of a new bed.
Anyways I am gonna go watch tv with my hubby on his last night off. Update more when something interesting happens I guess.
Brittany<3

26 weeks pregnant

Just a quick update... I have been feeling Kaci kicking me for the past hour. She is so active I love it. I actually can now watch her moving in my belly. My belly just jumps and twitches its amazing.
I am getting bigger and bigger by the second. On that note here is a picture.


Thats it for now maybe I will actually sleep a little now...doubtful.
Brittany<3

So Lost

I am just writing because I am hurting. I am emotionally and physically hurting. And my husband doesn't understand at all. Even as I sit here I am fighting back tears while arguing with him over this very sensitive and close to home subject. The fact that I got on my husbands computer and found porn he had looked at is nothing new I suppose but the amount he looked at...I feel so unattractive. And all I see are these beautiful women on his computer that he would much rather look at than come in the bed and lay with me in the mornings.
On top of it depressing me...it says clearly in the bible that if a man looks at a woman and has lustful thoughts he is committing adultery in the eyes of God. Now, my husband claims to be a very religious man but when it comes to aspects like this I guess he isnt. His response when I told him this was that God made women for men to look at. He can't help it.
That hit me hard...he said this not even 2 minutes ago. I don't know why I am writing this or if anyone should even care...possibly I am overreacting but this is just all hurting my feelings.

So its monday...

And I am 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant...or 4 I cant remember what the ticker thingy said lol. Either way I have 14 more weeks until my angel arrives. Oh man!!!!!! I dunno if she will stay in till May though...I hope and pray that she does because I never ever wanna see her with tubes or a ventilator on her. But, just 2 days ago I was hospitalized AGAIN for the stomach flu for the 4th or 5th time this pregnancy I cant remember I kinda lost count. But either way thats alot of throwing up lol. But, I was also having contractions again but this time I was so sick I didnt even realize I was having them but the monitor picked them up and they were 1 to 2 minutes apart. It crazy to think this is the 3rd time I have been in the hospital having contractions in less than a month Im just thankful that I am not dilating and my cervix isn't thinning. My little angel is still doing great though. I feel her moving constantly...it's like a little reminder in the crappy times that she is still in there and she will be out in a few months making EVERYTHING better. As scared as I am to be a mom I am also so excited. I sometimes wonder if I am ready. I mean c'mon I am only 19 and Im already married and having a baby in less than a year lol. Some friends of mind I know think that I am ruining my life because I am missing out on the "partying" and "having fun" but I just can't think of a better way to spend my time here on earth than to be a mother. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother and when I saw that positive pregnancy test on September 4th, 2008 all my dreams and worst fears came true. But, I think every first time mom and probably even second or third time moms have fears. I just wish I had friends that understood I don't want to do those stupid childish things that they wanna do. I want this little baby growing inside me and I want Brandon as my husband. I dont wanna go out to clubs and meet random guys because NOBODY that I ever meet in my whole lifetime could measure up to the amazing man that I married. One day they will see I suppose that the life they are living right now is taking them nowhere. But, until then I will simply take what they say in one ear and out the other I just feel like its ridiculous. Anyways I will stop babbling.
Brittany<3