My darling little baby Kaci,
Sometimes I can't find words to explain what being a mother means to me. What it has always meant to me. I had the worlds greatest mom growing up all I wanted to do was make sure that my children felt and knew the same love that I felt. When I found out I was pregnant...I'll admit it I was petrified. The thought of bringing someone into this world who totally depends on me made me worry. Would I be able to tell you all the things that would lead you in the right direction? Would you always know that you have someone who will ALWAYS be there no matter what? I kept wondering to myself how do I instill these things in you ? When I saw that little heart beating away on the ultrasound screen tears fell from my eyes. Even though you looked like a little sea monkey then...it blew me away. This little being growing inside me... I felt as if I was complete. Hearing and seeing your heart beating...was music to my ears. Then at the 12 week ultrasound you were actually moving on the screen. I couldnt believe it. You took the form of an actual human. You had arms and legs. And then there was the 16 week ultrasound. Finding out you were a girl. That changed my whole world. You waved at me with those tiny hands. All ten fingers and ten toes... You were perfect. Your still perfect in my eyes baby. When I got that call from the doctor today I lost it. That same heart that I saw beating away at 7 weeks was enlarged and could possibly have some complications with it. It broke my heart to hear those words. It was like I was hearing things. I couldn't breath. I just kept saying this can't be happening... its just a dream its just a dream. But, it wasn't. Why? Did I do something to deserve it? I know there is still a big chance everything is okay but I just keep thinking about the what if's. And there are so many. I wish I could just come in there and tell you everything I wanted to tell you when you got older just in case. I wish I could just tell you how wanted you are... Mommy and daddy want you so bad... I prayed for you. I begged God for you...Your all I have ever wanted.Why?? Why did we even have to have any complications or possible complications?? Its not fair !! I have never felt so helpless in my life. All we can do is sit and wait. And pray. Please know you are my everything. You will continue to be my everything. I am already so in love with you...and mommy and daddy... all we wanna do is meet you and keep you forever. Keep being my stong baby. Know that you have so many people out here that love you and are parying for you.... Keep kicking me, kick me as hard as you can I don't mind. It just keeps reassuring me of your amazing strength and that God is in there with you holding you close and he will make sure you stay wonderful. Please stay strong with me baby.. I will try so hard to stay strong on the outside just for you baby. I'm so scared to lose you. Stay with me forever.
I love you my sweet angel...
Always and forever...
<3 Mommy
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Oh Brit i am so so sorry to hear this. I will pray hard that everything is going to be ok for your sweet Kaci. My sister lost a baby girl named Nadia Monee on Agust 31st of last year and i saw how heart renching it is. I have had 3 miscarriages myself and know the pain of loss. I pray to God that you do not have to ever feel that pain. Just know that i am here if you ever need to talk. I feel like i have been there (all be it through the computer) since the beginning and i hope to be able to help if you need it. I will be praying!
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