On top of other things my husband and I are having problems. I was close to filing for divorce the other day. I just can't take this stuff anymore. This porn thing hurts. It hurts even more now considering the fact that it has happened 3 times before this and I have begged him and cried for him to please stop because it hurts me so much. I even put a parental block on his computer after the last argument and he swore he wouldnt even try to look at it and guess what...he somehow found a way to get past my parental block and looked at it all last week and has been for a while now. I doubt it would hurt me as much if he was looking at the act of sex itself. But, he searches for pictures of naked women. I like watching porn with him sometimes but he actually wants to look at other women instead of me. And as you can tell from my last post I am VERY upset about my body and the way I look already. I have always had body issues but now its even worse and him having to look at other women kills me.
I don't know what to do anymore. It is so hard for me to trust him now and he doesn't understand. He says "Brittany, I swore and promised you I wouldn't look at it again so you should trust me!" But,he has done this 3 times before and he went right back and did it again. How do I trust him? I want to but its hard.
I have let people run over me my whole life and I really thought he was different but I am starting to think I was wrong. I love him so much...he provides for me and my daughter, he is a semi-okay father, and he lets my mom live with us. But, I am starting to wonder if love is even enough anymore.
I guess only time will tell. The stress of a new baby, my mom starting her new chemo, my husbands problem, my father getting out, and probably about to start school...I feel as if I am losing my mind. I break down alot lately. Crying is my new thing I guess. I just need a friend I guess...but I feel like I don't even have those anymore. I don't have time for anything anymore. The only friend I have that lives here that I am close to is Chloe but she doesn't leave her house. Jessica is my best friend as well but she is all the way in louisiana.
I guess I am gonna go stare at my little girl...she makes everything better when she smiles at me.
1 comment:
I am so so sorry that things are hard for you right now. This is the last thing you need when you should be enjoying your new life with your angel.
I am happy to hear that your dad made it out but so sorry that you are worried he will go back to his old life. I know it must be hard to think about him going back and not being able to see his beautiful grand daughter grow up.
As for you and hubby i dont know what to say. I have never faced this problem in this way. I know how fragile your self esteem is right now and trust is by far the most important thing in a marriage. Once it is lost it is so hard to regain.
I think you are both young and although i am not much older than you i was your age when i got married and it is hard. WE change after we have kids both physically and mentally and sometimes men just don't. They don't feel the bond from day one and the protective nature. They don't have the change and shift in priority that we do. It is something they have to work on in the same way that we as women have to work on finding a balance between being a mommy and a wife.
I will be praying for you and your little family. I hope that you can make it through but just as word to the wise. You are to young to settle for less that what you deserve. there is no need sitting around being unhappy even if the other side of the fence looks harder and more stressful. Take your time and look at all your options, but never force yourself to be unhappy.
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