Finding Happiness..

I guess I am still overwhelmed. My father got out of jail last night. I went to see him and it was great really. He held his very first grand-daughter and he fell in love instantly. Its hard at the same time though. I feel like he is going to go right back to the things he was doing. I don't need this stress right now but I can't help it.
On top of other things my husband and I are having problems. I was close to filing for divorce the other day. I just can't take this stuff anymore. This porn thing hurts. It hurts even more now considering the fact that it has happened 3 times before this and I have begged him and cried for him to please stop because it hurts me so much. I even put a parental block on his computer after the last argument and he swore he wouldnt even try to look at it and guess what...he somehow found a way to get past my parental block and looked at it all last week and has been for a while now. I doubt it would hurt me as much if he was looking at the act of sex itself. But, he searches for pictures of naked women. I like watching porn with him sometimes but he actually wants to look at other women instead of me. And as you can tell from my last post I am VERY upset about my body and the way I look already. I have always had body issues but now its even worse and him having to look at other women kills me.
I don't know what to do anymore. It is so hard for me to trust him now and he doesn't understand. He says "Brittany, I swore and promised you I wouldn't look at it again so you should trust me!" But,he has done this 3 times before and he went right back and did it again. How do I trust him? I want to but its hard.
I have let people run over me my whole life and I really thought he was different but I am starting to think I was wrong. I love him so much...he provides for me and my daughter, he is a semi-okay father, and he lets my mom live with us. But, I am starting to wonder if love is even enough anymore.
I guess only time will tell. The stress of a new baby, my mom starting her new chemo, my husbands problem, my father getting out, and probably about to start school...I feel as if I am losing my mind. I break down alot lately. Crying is my new thing I guess. I just need a friend I guess...but I feel like I don't even have those anymore. I don't have time for anything anymore. The only friend I have that lives here that I am close to is Chloe but she doesn't leave her house. Jessica is my best friend as well but she is all the way in louisiana.
I guess I am gonna go stare at my little girl...she makes everything better when she smiles at me.

Never Gonna Dance Again...

I am disgusted with myself. While I am happy with my wonderful daughter and my life thus far... I look at myself in pure disbelief of what I have become. I know that I got this body from being pregnant and having my baby but I can't shake the feelings of pure disgust when I look in the mirror. I have grown to truly hate everything about my body nowadays. When I am forced to look in a mirror I want to vomit. I know this sounds stupid probably but I have been a size 4 my whole life. I had this amazing body that people would kill for...I was never ashamed. Now, its all I can do to get myself dressed to go out in public...and when I am I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking "look at that fat cow!". My body is covered in these stretchmarks that will never go away...yes they will fade over time but never go away. I could cry right now as I look down at my flab of a stomach hanging over my pants.
I dunno... I guess I am just being stupid.
Kaci is crying I better get off this thing.
Brittany<3

Happy Fathers Day

Today is bittersweet. While I have an amazing husband to spend fathers day with my father is thousands of miles away in federal prison. Though, he will be out in just a few short days this is the 3rd fathers day I have spent without him. He is nowhere near perfect. Obviously, he has made ALOT of mistakes or he wouldn't be where he is today. But, I love him. I know that we have not always seen eye to eye on things and he hasn't always been there as much as he should but...I still miss him more and more with each day that goes by that he isn't here. I cannot wait for these few days to go by so that he can finally hug me. I miss his big bear hugs. And, what I really can't wait for is the look on his face when he meets his granddaughter for the first time. Though he wasn't here through my whole pregnancy he called and checked on me almost everyday. And when she was born... he was so happy and proud. When she had to have surgery and was in the hospital he would call everyday and when he found out she had to have surgery he just cried...and my father doesn't cry. It was beautiful to me that he already loved my child so much and he hasn't even laid eyes on her yet. I know he is going to make up for all the lost time and the times he wasn't there when I was a child. And he is going to be a wonderful grandpa.

Now, onto the man that I love with everything I have. He came into my life and from the moment I saw him I knew there was something special. I knew that I wanted him. The day I said "I do" with him...was the second best day of my life. The birth of our child being the first of course. Our wedding day was wonderful. He has been such an amazing husband. Throughout my whole pregnancy when I couldn't sleep he would go sleep on the couch so that I could get comfortable. I loved when he would place his hand on my belly just to feel his daughter kicking and moving around. And the day she was born he was so good to me. He would rub my back and my head and try to make me feel as good as I could at that point...and when he laid eyes on his daughter for the first time when she came out...he cried. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The nurse asked me if I wanted to be the first to hold her and I let him be the first and he was so freaking proud. He was just strutting up and down the hallways of that hospital holding her so happy. It was amazing. Now, he is a WONDERFUL father. He works 5 sometimes 6 days a week 12 hour days to provide for me and our daughter. He is just amazing and I swear I wouldn't want ANYONE else to be my husband and the father of my child. The way Kaci looks at him...takes my breath away. It's like I said in the last post about Kaci. Its like my whole life up until this point was leading me to being a wife. And not only a wife but Brandons wife.
I love him...its as simple as that.


Brittany<3

This is really happening...

I am really a mom. I guess its slowly dawning on me with everyday that goes by. I know that sounds silly but I am 20 years old. There are girls I know that are my age that are nowhere near having children and being married. But, here I am and I am so freaking happy. I can't imagine any better way to spend my time on this earth than with the love of my life and the most amazing little miracle that God blessed me with.There are times when I look at all going on and think how did I get here? Wasn’t I just in high school…wasn’t I just walking down the aisle…and now I am a mom? What happened? Then there are other times where it is the most comfortable and natural thing- as if God has made every part of my life up until now only a step in leading me to this- and as if I have always not only been intended to be a mom but to be Kaci's mom. She is my world now. And I am so blessed to be able to say I hold a true miracle in my arms everyday. She is truly a representation of God's AMAZING work and what he can do.
I don't think I can say much more than that. I have the most wonderful job in the world now...I am a mommy. And its like that quote goes...I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me mommy. And that is the Gods honest truth.

Exhaustion...

Definitely feeling like a mommy lately. Since she has been home we have been having great days and not so great days. I have had some major back problems and I have no clue why...I went to the doctor they think maybe a pulled muscle. I dont know and unless its something serious I don't care lol all I care about anymore is this gorgeous little girl. We believe she had a touch of colic for a while...she would scream non stop for hours on end for about 3 days straight...we switched her formula to the similac sensitive instead of the advanced and started giving her gripe water and she is a whole new baby. She is knocked out asleep next to me as I am writing this and has been for 4 and a half hours and is showing no signs of waking up lol. She is a great baby.
I am really tired lately. I feel like I have no time for myself anymore. And no time with my husband. I miss the intimacy of it being just me and him. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the whole world. Its just we didnt really get much of the newlywed time together...a month after we got married we got pregnant and from there on out it was all about baby. Which was fine until I realized its not gonna be just me and him again till we are old and grey. I just miss him I guess and he is just in the next room. But, like I said we barely even have time for a simple little kiss anymore let alone ANYTHING else if ya know what I am saying.
My 6 week check up is thursday. 6 weeks already since I gave birth. It feels like just yesterday I was sitting in that hospital room anxiously awaiting for the pitocin to start. I was so excited to meet her and here she is now and she is just ten times more amazing than I ever imagined her to be.
I don't even remember what life was like without her though. It feels like she was always here and we were always a wonderful little family. Gosh I love her so much.
I never knew love like this before. She is my whole heart. God, her, and my husband are the greatest.
I also don't know what I would do without my mom lately. She is living with us so she helps me out so much. She takes her some nights so I can get some rest. I have the most amazing mother ever. And she is so in love with her new grandbaby. She is busy spoiling her and treating her like the little princess that she is.
She smiled at me today for the first time. I fell in love all over again.
I know this post is all over the place but I love kissing Kaci. I cannot get enough of her kisses. She kisses me back and it is the most amazing thing in the world. The other night I kissed her while she was yawning and she grabbed ahold of my bottom lip and started sucking on it. Gosh I am just so in love.
Okay I will shut up !!! I figured I would update you guys cause I havent in awhile.