Sunday, July 29, 2012
Dear Kaci..3 years old
Hi my sweet baby. I just want to let you know first off that I am so so sorry that I am behind on your letter writing. Mommy got a great new job and has been so busy I just have been trying to find the time to sit down and actually write it out for you my love. So here goes. You turned 3 almost 3 months ago. I don't know how you are 3 already but this age you are at is so much fun. To celebrate your bday we had a party at the house and of course had to get a big bounce house for you and your friends to play in. Mainly mommy and daddy were the ones in there jumping with you but we had a blast. It was a Toy Story themed party so your cake was just adorable with all your favorite characters on it. Tons of family and friends came out to celebrate your 3 years of life. You got a whole bunch of presents as well. You got the doll house you had been begging for and tons of furniture to go in it. A week after your birthday you,me,and Mimi got on an airplane and headed on down to Florida for a week of relaxing with aunt Jaya and your cousin Tej !! We had a blast. It was the first time you and I had been on an airplane and you did better than I did. It was only an hour and half flight and you had a blast on it and you did so good that they gave you bubbles as you were getting off in Florida. While we were there we went to the beach and went swimming and even visited the Navy base where aunt Jaya works !! It was so neat. It was a much needed break from Tennessee. We both missed daddy a lot but he had to stay back to work. You enjoyed the beach so much its making mommy and daddy consider moving there in the future. You loved having Tej to play with too. On the plane ride back you fell asleep and so did Mimi. I was so busy looking out the window I couldn't have fallen asleep !! About a month or so after we got back it was time for Tejs 1st birthday party. Uncle Mikey and aunt Jaya planned a great party at Chuck E Cheese and we all had a BLAST !! Daddy and I had tried taking you there a few months ago and you were not interested in that place at all but that all changed apparently cause you didn't want to leave !!! Its been pretty uneventful since then except for the fact that we finally broke you from your pacifier !!! I was so proud of you !! We knew it was time since you turned 3 but it broke my heart at the same time since it was one of the only things you still had that kept my little baby instead of my big girl toddler. And I am happy to report after what felt like a life time of diapers you have now been peeing in the potty for a week straight and just today a few hours ago you pooped in the potty !!! You put up a ton of resistance about the whole thing at first. Everytime you even got near the potty you started screaming but after a ton of bribing I think we are finally on the path of you being fully potty trained. And since you are being such a big girl mommy and daddy are going and buying you your very own swing set this week !!! Words cannot describe how proud I am of you. But like I have said before every single time you do something that big girls do it breaks my heart a little bit...If I could keep you my little baby forever I think I would. I love all of the fun things we get to do together now and in the future but you are and always will be my sweet little baby. Mommy is also in the process of trying to talk daddy into us having you a little brother or sister. Daddy starts a new job in September so right this second wouldn't be the perfect time but in 3-4 months from now we are going to see where we are and start trying then. I am pretty excited but scared at the same time. I don't ever want you to feel like you aren't enough and thats always been my fear of having another child. You are more than enough and if we decide to never have another child or if my body finally decides to do what the doctors say its going to do then I want you to know you are more than enough. You are the light of my life literally. You will always be the one who introduced me to love at first sight and let me know what absolute true love is. I'll never ever know how to explain to you what you mean to me. I would literally die for you. One day when you have a child of your own you will know the true and unconditional love that I have for you and I am so thankful that God blessed me with you. My sweet little miracle.
I will post some pics that I have taken over the last few months for you :)
Love, Mommy
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Instead of Dear Kaci this month...
I decided to sit down and write something really personal to us. I took my mother to have an endoscopy done of her throat today(she is okay by the way If you want to know more about that please don't hesitate to ask) But she had the procedure at Vanderbilt in Nashville and while I was waiting for her to come out of the procedure I decided to take a little stroll over to the Childrens Hospital next door where Kaci had her surgery. I got a little emotional to say the least. Walking through the doors really had an impact on me since it had been so long since we had to make that journey up there. I got to thinking that I really hadn't shared the complete story of how we found out that Kaci was going to have to have surgery and since this blog is for Kaci in the future I feel its only right that since we are coming up on her 3rd birthday that I share this on here for her to read in the future so she would know exactly how is happened and what she went through.
Well for those who don't know I had a seemingly routine pregnancy. I was sick a lot of time and I got hypertension there towards the end of the pregnancy but other than those things we had a few scares as far as Kacis health while she was still inside my belly. Now I won't get into all of that here but if you go back and read there is actually a letter to Kaci when we found out she had a white spot on her heart and cyst on her brain at 20 weeks old and they said those were markers for Trisomy 13(which is fatal) or Down Syndrome. Of course we all know she turned out to have neither but looking back it was of course terrifying to think something could be wrong but little did I know that was not the end of our journey with health issues. I had a pretty hard labor it was 23 hours and 1 minute long and oh how I wish I could go back and opt out of the medication they gave me. The whole day was like a haze up until it was time to push then it became a euphoric type of haze the really really good kind that you want more of. Of course its the kind you only think the really good drugs can give you as well but boy was I wrong. Not that I have done a whole bunch of drugs but lets be honest I had an interesting youth lol...but let me tell you having Kaci was the single most amazing feeling on the planet. Nothing tops it. That moment when she came out was like I was floating and when I heard that sweet cry whew I was a gonner. She instantly hooked me and her daddy and to this day she still has us wrapped around her little finger. Now once she was out she scored a 9 out of 10 on her apgar which is great especially since she was 2 weeks early. She was a healthy 7 lbs 0 oz and 19 &3/4 inches long born at 7:01pm on May 1st of 2009. Everything seemed so wonderful at the time I never remember once feeling like something was wrong that first day. She breast fed like a CHAMP was peeing and pooping just fine and wasn't spitting up. The next day the pediatrician came in to see us. Said she looked great but she was looking a little jaundice. He said it was nothing to worry about and if it didn't clear up on its own then there are ways to handle it when the time comes. I had seen many of my friends babies go through jaundice so it wasn't something I was all that concerned about. I remember the nurse telling me this day that Kaci spit up a little bit of blood the night before. Now, I had an interesting feeling my stomach when she told me this. I pressed the nurse for more info and the nurse chalked it up to having swallowed the amniotic fluid in my belly and it may have had some blood in it. At that moment I felt really uneasy about that comment. I had never heard of a 1 day old baby spitting up blood and it being normal. I trusted my nurses and doctors and tried to push the feeling aside because she was doing great. She didn't spit up anymore blood and was doing great and still eating wonderfully. I really enjoyed breast feeding. I know that some people thought it was weird and didn't understand why I went through all the trouble I did when formula is of course the easier option but I just thought nursing was the most natural and healthy thing I could do for my baby and boy did it turn out to REALLY be the best thing for her but more on that in a moment. I had to be hooked up the magnesium for 24 hours after delivery due to my blood pressure so they held me for another 24 hours after that just to observe so we went home on Sunday May 3rd. Boy was that a trip. First of all let me back up by saying that I did not know that I would be having her 2 weeks early. I thought I had at least 2 more weeks to prepare for her arrival so I had no installed the carseat and I had NO clue how to put a car seat in and neither did my husband. When we were leaving the nurse, who was super rude, literally told me I could not have my baby out of her arms until that car seat was in the car properly. Leave it to my good ol mom to save the day of course and she politely snatched my child out of the nurses arms as soon as the car seat was in. That woman was seriously lucky I was so swollen and could barely walk cause I wanted to come across her head numerous times throughout the 3 days we were there. When we got home things were normal. But, something felt wrong. I couldn't shake this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was just not right. I told my mom that night when we got home and she of course said that all new mothers feel like that and I know they do but I always felt like my feeling was a real "something is wrong" feeling. That night is when things started to show. It always struck me as really weird that she was perfectly fine and eating great until the night we got home from the hospital. But anyways she wouldn't really eat much that night. I cried and cried trying to get her to latch on and things were going so perfect nursing before I never imagined she would stop wanting to latch. I tried every position possible and nothing worked. I tried to pump but at that point I wasn't making that much milk so I barely got anything. My mom and Brandon just watched me struggle and cry and just pray that she would latch but she just wouldn't. The next day after a long night of no sleep we had to go back to the doc to get her jaundice levels checked. We got there and the drew her blood off her heel of her foot and man does that break your heart !! She just cried and cried and I cried with her cause I was EMOTIONAL ! Keep in mind I still feel as if something was not right and I voiced my concerns to the pediatrician...his answer you ask?? FORMULA !!! Me being the naive new young mother I was I didn't argue at that point I was willing to try it because I was exhausted and I knew she had to be hungry. Her jaundice levels had went from I believe it was a 7 to a 12. The doctor wasn't too overly concerned but wanted to see her back the next day to check again. That night again she didn't want to drink the formula and she spit up every time she ate. Of course again it was no excuse but being a young mother I listened to people when they said that was normal. And also you know how babies poop is tarry like the first day or so...well Kacis never changed over to the yellow seedy colored poop that breastfed babies get. I again expressed my concerns to the doctor and they just brushed it off to her not eating a whole lot. The next day was hard. The doctor tested her jaundice levels and it had jumped up to almost 20. So he recommended we go and get her admitted back to the hospital so she could be put under the bili bed lights and it would clear it up overnight. Little did I know the case of jaundice she had saved my childs life. When the doc called to tell us that news I was devastated...my feelings of something being wrong felt even more like they were coming true because we had just left the hospital I didn't want to go back...I just always feel like bad things happen at hospitals so I just had a grim outlook. We checked in at MTMC and I got to have one of the parents rooms next to the nursery and I could go in and nurse her and feed her whenever it was time. Of course the nurses wouldn't let me nurse on demand like I wanted they HAD to keep her on a schedule. Here is where things get bad. Later that night on the 5th we went in for a routine feeding. The nurse told me that Kacis abdomen was distended but not to worry she probably just needed to have a good poop. When I attempted to nurse her and she wouldn't latch on the nurse said we had to do formula because the doctor had ordered her to be fed every 2-3 hours so it was very important that she get the formula in her. When Kaci wouldn't take the bottle for me the nurse asked if she could take over...I allowed her but I stayed right next to her. I assumed she knew was she was doing. The next thing I know I am watching her pretty much force a bottle down my childs throat all the while my daughter is screaming her head off(she was in pain due to her stomach but we did not know that at the time) Then it happened. Kaci started coughing and all of the sudden green bile SHOT across the room from my little babies mouth. All the while this HORRID nurse is still shoving the bottle down her throat. I reached over and pulled the bottle out of her hand and said "excuse me is that normal?" That nurse looked at me and said no maam its not a good sign but we will have to see what the doctor says. I inquired about what it could mean and she would give me NO answers. She then wanted to put the bottle back in my childs mouth and I politely DECLINED. We waited all night for word from the doctor. He took a ct scan of her abdomen and we patiently waited for his results. Brandon and I were in the parental unit room when Dr.Little walked in. He had this terrible look on his face and I knew that my gut feeling that something was wrong had been all to right at that moment. He explained that our daughter had something called intestinal malrotation and that essentially her intestines were twisted cutting off blood supply and that she also had 3 blockages in her intestines as well. I think at that moment it all didn't feel real. This just couldn't be happening to us. Things like this is what you see on tv it cannot be happening to my baby. I fell into Brandons arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life and screamed something to the tune of "Why is God punishing us...what did she ever do to deserve anything like this??" Of course looking back I know that God was not punishing us nor our baby but at that moment my whole world had stopped and I felt like I had to blame someone. When Dr. Little then told me that Kaci would have to be transported via the Angel Ambulance to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital to have surgery we were in shock. How did we go from 4 days before that on this amazing cloud with a healthy baby to having a baby that is sick. And he couldn't tell us if she would make it or not. A Ct scan didn't show the extent of the damage whether or not she had half if any of her bowel. From there we walked over to her and held her close for an hour waiting on the Angel Ambulance to come get her. I cried and cried pleading to God to just make this go away make it not be real. Please just take me back to the wonderful haze I was in a few days ago...make this ache in my heart go away. When the ambulance arrived they made us sign some consent forms to transfer her. Up until this point Brandon was relatively quiet. He just kind of stared off into space and I don't think it felt real to him either. He was being so strong for me and for Kaci I had no clue how he was feeling. After we signed the forms we walked in the room to find that they had placed Kaci in an incubator for transfer and she had a million and one wires hooked up to her. They were trying to start an iv in her tiny little arm and thats when it happened...while Kaci was laying there screaming in pain from the needle I looked up at Brandon and I just saw tears streaming down his face...he looked at me in horror and I could tell he was still trying to hold it back. When they wheeled her off we followed her out into the hallway and when she got around the corner from us Brandon fell to his knees in the middle of the hallway of the hospital. He cried and cried and just let it all out and he looked up at me and said " why can't it just be me instead of her?" We stood there for a while I was trying my best to best strong for him in that moment because I knew he had held it together so well for me up until that point I owed it to him to help him through his moment of weakness. When he got done crying he stood up and didn't shed a tear after that. It was like it had been building and he just had to let it out. To this day I haven't shared this moment Brandon had because I know that he feels men aren't supposed to cry but I think back to that moment often remembering the hurt he felt for our daughter and the love he had for her...I fell even more in love with him in that moment just because we are all human. We can only take so much before it breaks us and he broke hard. But he picked himself up and we got in the car and head to vanderbilt childrens. When we got there the doctor explained that she would have to have surgery and how soon we weren't sure. They were shooting for the next day around 2 in the afternoon but if it became an emergent situation they would just take her quickly to the operating room. Of course we signed consent forms for them to do that because they would be responsible for saving my childs life. The doctor recommended we go home and get some rest but we just couldn't leave her that quickly. The NICU was such a depressing place I couldn't imagine her being there in that room all by herself. We stayed till around midnight and finally she was asleep and we went home knowing we would be back there bright and early to await her surgery. My aunt (who is a wonderful Christian woman) was planning to go up there with us to wait out her surgery. The next day we were heading up the hospital it was around 11:30am and while we were on our way I got a phone call...The doc said its become an emergent situation and they were going to wheel her back to surgery before we could even get there to see her once more. A million and one thoughts ran through my head at that moment. What if the night before last was the last night I got to see her alive?? Did she feel loved?? Did she know how much we wanted her and needed her to live?? At this time I won't lie...I was still angry with God. It wasn't moments I am proud of but I am woman enough to admit that I didn't know who to blame and it was so easy to feel like he was punishing me for something. My aunt didn't know I was at a war with myself over those feelings but its like she knew I needed to hear something uplifting. So there in the middle of the car she opened her bible and read me some scripture. Her words were my biggest comfort that day and I don't know if she will ever know just what a blessing she was to me in that time but I will never be able to thank her for just being there to give me the word of God in the moments I needed them the most. When we got there they said they had been back in surgery for about 25 minutes and it could be another couple of hours. We sat and waited ultimately thinking we would be there a long time. Much to our surprise they called our names about 20 minutes later. I was scared. I thought that meant something bad had happened especially since they put us in a room to await the doctor coming in. I thought back to those shows you watch on tv where the doctor has to deliver bad news to the family and I just pictured me being that mom they had to tell had lost her daughter. I know some of this may sound really hard to hear but I am trying my best to be as brutally honest as I can about how I felt. I really thought my child was going to die and I won't lie or sugar coat that one bit. The doctors had told us if they got in there in surgery and realized all her bowel had died there was NOTHING that could be done to save her. Luckily, the doctor did not keep us waiting long. He walked in and I remember him being really hard to get a read on he didn't have much of an expression on his face but when he didn't sit down I had some glimmer of hope that it might have went fine. I had no clue he was about to tell me news that shocked even him. He pretty much said he couldn't believe it but she had not lost one single inch of her bowel. He said he had been doing that surgery many times and he didn't see many cases caught as late as ours was that had the outcome ours did. And boy was she a fighter. He said they thought the surgery would take 3 hours it took him from start to finish 45 minutes. And he expected her to be on the ventilator for 24 hours after surgery and lo and behold when they brought us back to recovery to see that sweet angel she was off the ventilator breathing on her own. It was nothing short of an act of God and I am 100% sure of that. At that moment I could've fallen to my knees with how weak I was...I begged God to forgive me for lashing out at him and I thanked him for continuing to wrap his arms tight around her even in my moment of weakness. I wrote about the next few weeks so I won't get into all that. In the long run I had an amazingly healthy little girl who recovered wonderfully and now at almost 3 years old shows ZERO signs that she went through what she did. She is handful sometimes but I wouldn't have her any other way. She is my hero because in her first 6 days of life she went through more than some people do in a lifetime and she was so strong. I am truly blessed to have this miracle and true gift from God to call my own and I will forever be grateful to him for blessing me with her.
Well for those who don't know I had a seemingly routine pregnancy. I was sick a lot of time and I got hypertension there towards the end of the pregnancy but other than those things we had a few scares as far as Kacis health while she was still inside my belly. Now I won't get into all of that here but if you go back and read there is actually a letter to Kaci when we found out she had a white spot on her heart and cyst on her brain at 20 weeks old and they said those were markers for Trisomy 13(which is fatal) or Down Syndrome. Of course we all know she turned out to have neither but looking back it was of course terrifying to think something could be wrong but little did I know that was not the end of our journey with health issues. I had a pretty hard labor it was 23 hours and 1 minute long and oh how I wish I could go back and opt out of the medication they gave me. The whole day was like a haze up until it was time to push then it became a euphoric type of haze the really really good kind that you want more of. Of course its the kind you only think the really good drugs can give you as well but boy was I wrong. Not that I have done a whole bunch of drugs but lets be honest I had an interesting youth lol...but let me tell you having Kaci was the single most amazing feeling on the planet. Nothing tops it. That moment when she came out was like I was floating and when I heard that sweet cry whew I was a gonner. She instantly hooked me and her daddy and to this day she still has us wrapped around her little finger. Now once she was out she scored a 9 out of 10 on her apgar which is great especially since she was 2 weeks early. She was a healthy 7 lbs 0 oz and 19 &3/4 inches long born at 7:01pm on May 1st of 2009. Everything seemed so wonderful at the time I never remember once feeling like something was wrong that first day. She breast fed like a CHAMP was peeing and pooping just fine and wasn't spitting up. The next day the pediatrician came in to see us. Said she looked great but she was looking a little jaundice. He said it was nothing to worry about and if it didn't clear up on its own then there are ways to handle it when the time comes. I had seen many of my friends babies go through jaundice so it wasn't something I was all that concerned about. I remember the nurse telling me this day that Kaci spit up a little bit of blood the night before. Now, I had an interesting feeling my stomach when she told me this. I pressed the nurse for more info and the nurse chalked it up to having swallowed the amniotic fluid in my belly and it may have had some blood in it. At that moment I felt really uneasy about that comment. I had never heard of a 1 day old baby spitting up blood and it being normal. I trusted my nurses and doctors and tried to push the feeling aside because she was doing great. She didn't spit up anymore blood and was doing great and still eating wonderfully. I really enjoyed breast feeding. I know that some people thought it was weird and didn't understand why I went through all the trouble I did when formula is of course the easier option but I just thought nursing was the most natural and healthy thing I could do for my baby and boy did it turn out to REALLY be the best thing for her but more on that in a moment. I had to be hooked up the magnesium for 24 hours after delivery due to my blood pressure so they held me for another 24 hours after that just to observe so we went home on Sunday May 3rd. Boy was that a trip. First of all let me back up by saying that I did not know that I would be having her 2 weeks early. I thought I had at least 2 more weeks to prepare for her arrival so I had no installed the carseat and I had NO clue how to put a car seat in and neither did my husband. When we were leaving the nurse, who was super rude, literally told me I could not have my baby out of her arms until that car seat was in the car properly. Leave it to my good ol mom to save the day of course and she politely snatched my child out of the nurses arms as soon as the car seat was in. That woman was seriously lucky I was so swollen and could barely walk cause I wanted to come across her head numerous times throughout the 3 days we were there. When we got home things were normal. But, something felt wrong. I couldn't shake this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was just not right. I told my mom that night when we got home and she of course said that all new mothers feel like that and I know they do but I always felt like my feeling was a real "something is wrong" feeling. That night is when things started to show. It always struck me as really weird that she was perfectly fine and eating great until the night we got home from the hospital. But anyways she wouldn't really eat much that night. I cried and cried trying to get her to latch on and things were going so perfect nursing before I never imagined she would stop wanting to latch. I tried every position possible and nothing worked. I tried to pump but at that point I wasn't making that much milk so I barely got anything. My mom and Brandon just watched me struggle and cry and just pray that she would latch but she just wouldn't. The next day after a long night of no sleep we had to go back to the doc to get her jaundice levels checked. We got there and the drew her blood off her heel of her foot and man does that break your heart !! She just cried and cried and I cried with her cause I was EMOTIONAL ! Keep in mind I still feel as if something was not right and I voiced my concerns to the pediatrician...his answer you ask?? FORMULA !!! Me being the naive new young mother I was I didn't argue at that point I was willing to try it because I was exhausted and I knew she had to be hungry. Her jaundice levels had went from I believe it was a 7 to a 12. The doctor wasn't too overly concerned but wanted to see her back the next day to check again. That night again she didn't want to drink the formula and she spit up every time she ate. Of course again it was no excuse but being a young mother I listened to people when they said that was normal. And also you know how babies poop is tarry like the first day or so...well Kacis never changed over to the yellow seedy colored poop that breastfed babies get. I again expressed my concerns to the doctor and they just brushed it off to her not eating a whole lot. The next day was hard. The doctor tested her jaundice levels and it had jumped up to almost 20. So he recommended we go and get her admitted back to the hospital so she could be put under the bili bed lights and it would clear it up overnight. Little did I know the case of jaundice she had saved my childs life. When the doc called to tell us that news I was devastated...my feelings of something being wrong felt even more like they were coming true because we had just left the hospital I didn't want to go back...I just always feel like bad things happen at hospitals so I just had a grim outlook. We checked in at MTMC and I got to have one of the parents rooms next to the nursery and I could go in and nurse her and feed her whenever it was time. Of course the nurses wouldn't let me nurse on demand like I wanted they HAD to keep her on a schedule. Here is where things get bad. Later that night on the 5th we went in for a routine feeding. The nurse told me that Kacis abdomen was distended but not to worry she probably just needed to have a good poop. When I attempted to nurse her and she wouldn't latch on the nurse said we had to do formula because the doctor had ordered her to be fed every 2-3 hours so it was very important that she get the formula in her. When Kaci wouldn't take the bottle for me the nurse asked if she could take over...I allowed her but I stayed right next to her. I assumed she knew was she was doing. The next thing I know I am watching her pretty much force a bottle down my childs throat all the while my daughter is screaming her head off(she was in pain due to her stomach but we did not know that at the time) Then it happened. Kaci started coughing and all of the sudden green bile SHOT across the room from my little babies mouth. All the while this HORRID nurse is still shoving the bottle down her throat. I reached over and pulled the bottle out of her hand and said "excuse me is that normal?" That nurse looked at me and said no maam its not a good sign but we will have to see what the doctor says. I inquired about what it could mean and she would give me NO answers. She then wanted to put the bottle back in my childs mouth and I politely DECLINED. We waited all night for word from the doctor. He took a ct scan of her abdomen and we patiently waited for his results. Brandon and I were in the parental unit room when Dr.Little walked in. He had this terrible look on his face and I knew that my gut feeling that something was wrong had been all to right at that moment. He explained that our daughter had something called intestinal malrotation and that essentially her intestines were twisted cutting off blood supply and that she also had 3 blockages in her intestines as well. I think at that moment it all didn't feel real. This just couldn't be happening to us. Things like this is what you see on tv it cannot be happening to my baby. I fell into Brandons arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life and screamed something to the tune of "Why is God punishing us...what did she ever do to deserve anything like this??" Of course looking back I know that God was not punishing us nor our baby but at that moment my whole world had stopped and I felt like I had to blame someone. When Dr. Little then told me that Kaci would have to be transported via the Angel Ambulance to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital to have surgery we were in shock. How did we go from 4 days before that on this amazing cloud with a healthy baby to having a baby that is sick. And he couldn't tell us if she would make it or not. A Ct scan didn't show the extent of the damage whether or not she had half if any of her bowel. From there we walked over to her and held her close for an hour waiting on the Angel Ambulance to come get her. I cried and cried pleading to God to just make this go away make it not be real. Please just take me back to the wonderful haze I was in a few days ago...make this ache in my heart go away. When the ambulance arrived they made us sign some consent forms to transfer her. Up until this point Brandon was relatively quiet. He just kind of stared off into space and I don't think it felt real to him either. He was being so strong for me and for Kaci I had no clue how he was feeling. After we signed the forms we walked in the room to find that they had placed Kaci in an incubator for transfer and she had a million and one wires hooked up to her. They were trying to start an iv in her tiny little arm and thats when it happened...while Kaci was laying there screaming in pain from the needle I looked up at Brandon and I just saw tears streaming down his face...he looked at me in horror and I could tell he was still trying to hold it back. When they wheeled her off we followed her out into the hallway and when she got around the corner from us Brandon fell to his knees in the middle of the hallway of the hospital. He cried and cried and just let it all out and he looked up at me and said " why can't it just be me instead of her?" We stood there for a while I was trying my best to best strong for him in that moment because I knew he had held it together so well for me up until that point I owed it to him to help him through his moment of weakness. When he got done crying he stood up and didn't shed a tear after that. It was like it had been building and he just had to let it out. To this day I haven't shared this moment Brandon had because I know that he feels men aren't supposed to cry but I think back to that moment often remembering the hurt he felt for our daughter and the love he had for her...I fell even more in love with him in that moment just because we are all human. We can only take so much before it breaks us and he broke hard. But he picked himself up and we got in the car and head to vanderbilt childrens. When we got there the doctor explained that she would have to have surgery and how soon we weren't sure. They were shooting for the next day around 2 in the afternoon but if it became an emergent situation they would just take her quickly to the operating room. Of course we signed consent forms for them to do that because they would be responsible for saving my childs life. The doctor recommended we go home and get some rest but we just couldn't leave her that quickly. The NICU was such a depressing place I couldn't imagine her being there in that room all by herself. We stayed till around midnight and finally she was asleep and we went home knowing we would be back there bright and early to await her surgery. My aunt (who is a wonderful Christian woman) was planning to go up there with us to wait out her surgery. The next day we were heading up the hospital it was around 11:30am and while we were on our way I got a phone call...The doc said its become an emergent situation and they were going to wheel her back to surgery before we could even get there to see her once more. A million and one thoughts ran through my head at that moment. What if the night before last was the last night I got to see her alive?? Did she feel loved?? Did she know how much we wanted her and needed her to live?? At this time I won't lie...I was still angry with God. It wasn't moments I am proud of but I am woman enough to admit that I didn't know who to blame and it was so easy to feel like he was punishing me for something. My aunt didn't know I was at a war with myself over those feelings but its like she knew I needed to hear something uplifting. So there in the middle of the car she opened her bible and read me some scripture. Her words were my biggest comfort that day and I don't know if she will ever know just what a blessing she was to me in that time but I will never be able to thank her for just being there to give me the word of God in the moments I needed them the most. When we got there they said they had been back in surgery for about 25 minutes and it could be another couple of hours. We sat and waited ultimately thinking we would be there a long time. Much to our surprise they called our names about 20 minutes later. I was scared. I thought that meant something bad had happened especially since they put us in a room to await the doctor coming in. I thought back to those shows you watch on tv where the doctor has to deliver bad news to the family and I just pictured me being that mom they had to tell had lost her daughter. I know some of this may sound really hard to hear but I am trying my best to be as brutally honest as I can about how I felt. I really thought my child was going to die and I won't lie or sugar coat that one bit. The doctors had told us if they got in there in surgery and realized all her bowel had died there was NOTHING that could be done to save her. Luckily, the doctor did not keep us waiting long. He walked in and I remember him being really hard to get a read on he didn't have much of an expression on his face but when he didn't sit down I had some glimmer of hope that it might have went fine. I had no clue he was about to tell me news that shocked even him. He pretty much said he couldn't believe it but she had not lost one single inch of her bowel. He said he had been doing that surgery many times and he didn't see many cases caught as late as ours was that had the outcome ours did. And boy was she a fighter. He said they thought the surgery would take 3 hours it took him from start to finish 45 minutes. And he expected her to be on the ventilator for 24 hours after surgery and lo and behold when they brought us back to recovery to see that sweet angel she was off the ventilator breathing on her own. It was nothing short of an act of God and I am 100% sure of that. At that moment I could've fallen to my knees with how weak I was...I begged God to forgive me for lashing out at him and I thanked him for continuing to wrap his arms tight around her even in my moment of weakness. I wrote about the next few weeks so I won't get into all that. In the long run I had an amazingly healthy little girl who recovered wonderfully and now at almost 3 years old shows ZERO signs that she went through what she did. She is handful sometimes but I wouldn't have her any other way. She is my hero because in her first 6 days of life she went through more than some people do in a lifetime and she was so strong. I am truly blessed to have this miracle and true gift from God to call my own and I will forever be grateful to him for blessing me with her.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Dear Kaci 33 months.
My sweet baby. I cannot believe you are 3 months away from the big 3 ! It almost seems surreal honestly. You are so independent lately. And I know I say it a lot but it feels like everyday you need me less and less. Its bittersweet as always. You talk up a STORM ! Seriously you are all girl thats for sure because you love to hear yourself talk. And as much as it pains me to say it your new favorite person is daddy. I knew it would happen one day. Most girls are daddys girls. My mom said when I was your age I was attached to my daddy too. Your daddy is an overgrown kid so you guys have an absolute blast together. I love to watch you with him. You still want your mommy when you're sick or hurt or just upset. Which makes me feel good. Its so funny your daddy will be in there playing with you and then he will try to leave the room and you come running after him yelling "No Daddy !!! Come play toys !!!!!!". It seriously cracks me up every time. And your daddy has no problem being your personal toy to beat up on. Last night you were beating him with a plastic golf club and he was acting like it was hurting really bad and you were CRACKING up laughing so hard !! It was awesome. Its moments like this that I want you to remember. And its moments like this when I realize I will never get this time back. Time moves faster and faster and I feel like there isn't enough of it. I want you to have only happy memories of this time in your life. Sometimes, I try to remember my childhood and I can only remember the bad times. I don't want it to be like that for you. It WON'T be like that for you. Things have been rough lately. Mommy hasn't been working the past month and its taken a toll on mommy and daddys stress levels. But, mommy starts her new job on Monday so things will get better. As long as you are taken care of mommy and daddy will always be okay. You are our number one priority. But I think sometimes we forget to take the time out to be husband and wife instead of mommy and daddy 24/7. But, I love being your mommy. Its the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole world. You know that though. We have been really working on us lately but including you in it because we just don't want it to be 2 separate things. We want to be mommy and daddy AND husband and wife and sometimes it feels like we have to choose but we would never. You come first always. We love you so much. Your daddy is a wonderful man and father and I really feel blessed to have found him in this world full of losers and dead beat dads. One day you will understand what I mean...but I hope you never have to feel the heartache I went through before I found your daddy. Now I am just rambling on and on as usual and you won't read this for years and all of this will be a distant memory but I am just so thankful to write to you and know that one day you can look back and see everything that happened in your life as it happened. Its so exciting to think of you reading these letters one day. I'll probably never stop writing to you. It helps me to express my love for you since right now you are only 2 and don't quite understand what I mean when I tell you "You are my everything." One day you will have kids of your own and you will know this love I feel for you. I never questioned my moms love for me but when I had you...I had this whole new respect and appreciation for her love and her sacrifices and just how hard she worked to make sure I had the best life possible. I could never repay her. I love you more than life itself . I cannot believe we are a few months away from you being 3. Happy 33 months of life Kaci Jade. Best 1004 days of my life !
Friday, December 2, 2011
Dear Kaci 2 years 7 months
My sweet baby. I know its been a while since I have wrote you and I am so sorry. Mommy has been slacking but its for a good reason. Mommy got a job about 3 months ago to help daddy with money so I have been so busy with working and taking care of you and the house and of course daddy too haha I just forgot completely about my letters but I promise to try to start up again on time. Yesterday you turned 2 years and 7 months old. I can't believe we are already over halfway to 3 years old. You have just grown up right in front of my eyes lately and it just breaks my heart to see you getting bigger and bigger. I swear everyday you find something new to show me you have learned. You can now count to twelve and say your whole alphabet. To make it even more amazing you read the alphabet off of flash cards in random order as well. You have just surpassed what I thought a baby your age could learn. I knew you were smart my baby but you are just simply a genius lol. I may be just a bit partial but I really feel like you are too smart for your own good lately. You are definitely in the middle of your terrible twos but its not to terrible. There are moments when you throw your fits but its nothing a little time out won't handle. You really dislike time out thats for sure. You're super vocal about everything lately. You talk talk talk up a storm. And you love to sing as well. You love to sing the "eating song" from Yo Gabba Gabba. Its so funny to hear you sing "Tummy tummy party party." I love it. Right now you are jumping on the couch after I have told you several times not to. But you're just so darn cute its hard to not just let you keep doing it lol. I guess I better go before you do a flip off of the couch or something lol. I love you my sweet angel and I will write more next month I promise.
Love, Mommy
Love, Mommy
Monday, August 8, 2011
Dear Kaci 27 months
My love how you have grown. There are just no words to express how fast this last month has went by. You are so big now its crazy. And talking, talking, talking. I think thats all you do nowadays. And you speak so clearly its kind of crazy sometimes. You can count to 10 and say bits of the ABCs. You can say over 70 words and will repeat whatever I ask you to. Its just amazing that you aren't that little baby anymore you are a full blown toddler now...and oh how it breaks mommys heart. When you were just born I thought of how much fun it would be when you got this age. How we would play together and watch princess movies together and stay up late having our little girl time...well we do all those things and they are amazing...but I find myself just wanting to go back. I want those moments back when you would wake up late at night and I would give you your bottle and rock you back to sleep all the while singing your favorite songs. You still love those songs to this day. You just don't have any urge for me to rock you anymore. And my arms ache for you. I wish so badly you would give me one hour of cuddle time with you...just to wrap my arms around you and kiss you and rub your back and sing to you...I feel like I am losing my baby. Of course I am not really losing you...you just don't need me as much as you once did and I am fine with that it just stings a little. First you didn't want to sleep in the bed with me anymore, then it was you didn't want me to rock you anymore, then it was you didn't need me to feed you anymore...and so many other things that you now don't need me for anymore. It hurts this mommys heart to know that you are growing up before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to slow this time down. Every moment with you...is amazing Kaci. You are without a doubt the most wonderful and amazing child God could have ever blessed me with. I feel so lucky to be your mommy. Through all the health scares and the long nights trying to figure out the right things to help those health issues...it was all worth it for you. I would do anything for you Kaci. I want you to always know and remember that even when I am long gone...you are my world. You are my heart. You are my sweet little baby bunny. And always remember there is no me without you my love. You are the reason I breathe. And no matter how big you get no matter whether you are 2 or 20...you will always be mommys baby.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Kaci 2 years months 1 and 2
My dear sweet Kaci,
Mommy is so very sorry that I skipped month on of writing your letters after your second birthday. You know mommys brain can sometimes (lots of times) not function properly and I just forget. Chasing you around the past 2 months has also kept me more than busy...obviously busy enough to neglect my blog for you. My sweet baby you are growing up right in front of my eyes. You are becoming less and less baby like each day and I see more and more toddler and young girl characteristics. You are such a mommy lately. You have a baby doll, well actually you have like 20, but this babydoll is your favorite and it just so happens to be the cheapest lol. But you carry her around and pat he on the back and you will sing to her and try to change her diaper. Its the sweetest thing I have ever seen. When I saw you climb up in the rocking chair with her wrap a blanket around her and put her up on your shoulder and try to rock her to sleep the way I used to rock you...tears welled up in my eyes. Thats been happening a lot lately. I get that lump in the back of my throat like I am about to cry so much lately because its just like everytime I look at you...you're different. How is that possible? How are you growing so fast? I wish time had a pause button. I need for time to have a pause button. I feel like everyday you do something or say something new. Which talking is one of your favorite in things to do nowadays. Baby you can blabber on about pure nothingness for hours on end and its so precious. But I really love the age you are at because you are able to finally tell me what you want and don't want and if you need something like a diaper change you tell me now. Its very nice. You have a brand new cousin who you got to meet the other day for the first time. You were a bit jealous as first of baby Tej but you warmed up to him. You were jealousy while mommy was holding him and you reached up and grabbed my hand and said "You my mommy" Of course I am you mommy sweetie but Tej is mommys nephew my one and only nephew and I am so happy to have him. I am first and foremost yours ALWAYS ! Of course you knew that though. You say some of the funniest things sometimes. And not to mention the funny things you do. The other day you pooped in the potty (RARELY HAPPENS) Well when you got done and got up to flush you of course had to get mommy to flush it for you and as it was going down you said "BYEEEEE POOP!!!" I laughed so hard I cried. It was an amazing moment that I will surely never forget. You're really enjoying having me around these days. It used to be you wanted to play in your room alone while I got stuff done around the house but now you want me to come in the room and play with you or watch a movie with you. I am fine with it. Playing baby dolls and watching Tangled for the millionth time...there is nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with you my love. You have really just grown lately. And its breaking my heart all over again. Every month you get a little older and I see these changes in you and I definitely realize the passage of time is something I just have to live with...and I have to soak of every ounce of every moment with you because it does go so fast. Recently you probably saw mommy upset. A mother named Casey Anthony killed her little daughter that was the same age as you...and she got away with it. I know you don't understand that now but you will one day...and I just was so shaken by this trial and the story. It was heartbreaking. I hugged you tight for a while the night they announced her not guilty. I am not sure exactly why it made me want to hold you but it did. I guess it just made me realize that someone out there killed that 2 year old girl no matter who it was she was killed and it hit to close to home. And I just wanted you to know I will never let anything happen to you my angel. You are my world and you always will be. I would lay down my own life if it meant you would live a long healthy and happy life. I just love you Kaci. You're my best friend. In fact I am gonna go snuggle up next to you right now and go to sleep. I love you my angel.
-Mommy
Mommy is so very sorry that I skipped month on of writing your letters after your second birthday. You know mommys brain can sometimes (lots of times) not function properly and I just forget. Chasing you around the past 2 months has also kept me more than busy...obviously busy enough to neglect my blog for you. My sweet baby you are growing up right in front of my eyes. You are becoming less and less baby like each day and I see more and more toddler and young girl characteristics. You are such a mommy lately. You have a baby doll, well actually you have like 20, but this babydoll is your favorite and it just so happens to be the cheapest lol. But you carry her around and pat he on the back and you will sing to her and try to change her diaper. Its the sweetest thing I have ever seen. When I saw you climb up in the rocking chair with her wrap a blanket around her and put her up on your shoulder and try to rock her to sleep the way I used to rock you...tears welled up in my eyes. Thats been happening a lot lately. I get that lump in the back of my throat like I am about to cry so much lately because its just like everytime I look at you...you're different. How is that possible? How are you growing so fast? I wish time had a pause button. I need for time to have a pause button. I feel like everyday you do something or say something new. Which talking is one of your favorite in things to do nowadays. Baby you can blabber on about pure nothingness for hours on end and its so precious. But I really love the age you are at because you are able to finally tell me what you want and don't want and if you need something like a diaper change you tell me now. Its very nice. You have a brand new cousin who you got to meet the other day for the first time. You were a bit jealous as first of baby Tej but you warmed up to him. You were jealousy while mommy was holding him and you reached up and grabbed my hand and said "You my mommy" Of course I am you mommy sweetie but Tej is mommys nephew my one and only nephew and I am so happy to have him. I am first and foremost yours ALWAYS ! Of course you knew that though. You say some of the funniest things sometimes. And not to mention the funny things you do. The other day you pooped in the potty (RARELY HAPPENS) Well when you got done and got up to flush you of course had to get mommy to flush it for you and as it was going down you said "BYEEEEE POOP!!!" I laughed so hard I cried. It was an amazing moment that I will surely never forget. You're really enjoying having me around these days. It used to be you wanted to play in your room alone while I got stuff done around the house but now you want me to come in the room and play with you or watch a movie with you. I am fine with it. Playing baby dolls and watching Tangled for the millionth time...there is nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with you my love. You have really just grown lately. And its breaking my heart all over again. Every month you get a little older and I see these changes in you and I definitely realize the passage of time is something I just have to live with...and I have to soak of every ounce of every moment with you because it does go so fast. Recently you probably saw mommy upset. A mother named Casey Anthony killed her little daughter that was the same age as you...and she got away with it. I know you don't understand that now but you will one day...and I just was so shaken by this trial and the story. It was heartbreaking. I hugged you tight for a while the night they announced her not guilty. I am not sure exactly why it made me want to hold you but it did. I guess it just made me realize that someone out there killed that 2 year old girl no matter who it was she was killed and it hit to close to home. And I just wanted you to know I will never let anything happen to you my angel. You are my world and you always will be. I would lay down my own life if it meant you would live a long healthy and happy life. I just love you Kaci. You're my best friend. In fact I am gonna go snuggle up next to you right now and go to sleep. I love you my angel.
-Mommy
Monday, May 2, 2011
Dear Kaci...2 years old.
I don't even know how to put the words together to tell you how I feel. You turning 2 has been something I knew was coming and thought that I couldn't wait for it to be here and now that is it here...I just want to go back. I want time to slow down. I feel as if I just woke up one day and you went from that tiny fragile 7 pounds miracle to this amazing little 2 year old who is talking and being so independent I don't know how to keep up. I am so very proud of you my angel. I know that I say it all the time but Kaci you really are a miracle. Every parent feels that way about their children but you honestly are. Since before I got pregnant with you...challenges in life have been fighting against you. From finding out 3 months before I was pregnant with you that I "couldn't" have children, and then the white spot and cyst on your brain that magically went away while I was pregnant with you, and then the life threatening surgery you had to repair your bowel and you didn't lose ANY bowel at all...yes my darling you truley are a miracle. I sit here day after day and I feel like we just don't have enough time. I try so hard everyday to savor each second. To take in every new thing you do...but there just aren't enough hours in the day to experience all the amazing things you do.
I thought when I was younger that I wanted to finish school and then get my youth out of me before having children. I always thought that I wanted to work and have fun with my friends and maybe after I was done with all that I might have children. I never really pictured myself having kids because I honestly never had that dream. It was something that I just imagined I would do later in life....but then you came along. And you helped me realize a dream that I never knew that I had. I look at you and I am just so amazed that I created you. That I held you in my body and made you. Its unreal. I never thought I could create such perfection. But, my gosh am I glad that I did.
On this day my beautiful little girl...I just want you to know how loved you are. How wanted you were. And how precious your presence is to me. Your smile when I come in your room in the mornings seems to be able to brighten up even the darkest of days. Your hugs and kisses in the moments that I need them the most can remove every single dark cloud that life throws at me. I hope that one day you can thank God for giving me to you as a mother like I thank God for giving me your mimi as mine...but sweetie I am the lucky one. I thank God everyday for giving me you. I feel so blessed to be your mother. I know there is a God when I look at you...and that he chose me to be your mommy...I don't know why but I won't question it because you are the absolute be thing to ever happen to me...and I don't know what I would do without you my sweet angel. So I hope you had an amazing birthday and I can't wait to have many many more with you.
I love you my little miracle.
Love,
Mommy
I thought when I was younger that I wanted to finish school and then get my youth out of me before having children. I always thought that I wanted to work and have fun with my friends and maybe after I was done with all that I might have children. I never really pictured myself having kids because I honestly never had that dream. It was something that I just imagined I would do later in life....but then you came along. And you helped me realize a dream that I never knew that I had. I look at you and I am just so amazed that I created you. That I held you in my body and made you. Its unreal. I never thought I could create such perfection. But, my gosh am I glad that I did.
On this day my beautiful little girl...I just want you to know how loved you are. How wanted you were. And how precious your presence is to me. Your smile when I come in your room in the mornings seems to be able to brighten up even the darkest of days. Your hugs and kisses in the moments that I need them the most can remove every single dark cloud that life throws at me. I hope that one day you can thank God for giving me to you as a mother like I thank God for giving me your mimi as mine...but sweetie I am the lucky one. I thank God everyday for giving me you. I feel so blessed to be your mother. I know there is a God when I look at you...and that he chose me to be your mommy...I don't know why but I won't question it because you are the absolute be thing to ever happen to me...and I don't know what I would do without you my sweet angel. So I hope you had an amazing birthday and I can't wait to have many many more with you.
I love you my little miracle.
Love,
Mommy
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