Sometimes...

You have those days where everything falls into place. Where everything goes right and you can just look back and say "this was a good day."

Unfortunately for me and my daughter...today was NOT one of those days.
My poor Kaci has been sick for the last 2 days. She had a slight fever yesterday but nothing bad and this morning she seemed fine. Not warm or nothing. Went to play with my friends little boy and was acting fine. Then it got to nap time. I got her home and I started feeling her head and she just didn't feel right to me. She felt awfully warm. So I took her temp and lo and behold her fever was 101.6. So I gave her tylenol. Well then I wait and make sure its going down and it got down to 100.4 so I thought we were safe to put her down for a nap. Since she was sick I let her lay in my bed with me and I took a nap with her since we both didn't sleep that well last night. Well about 45 minutes into the nap she sits up in the bed and SCREAMS at the top of her lungs and I automatically grab her and hold her and try to calm her down. All of the sudden she flattens out in my arms as stiff as a board and starts shaking uncontrollably and her eyes rolled back in her head and she just couldn't get a breath out. I started panicking. I get on the phone with the doctor and it was over within about 1 and a half or 2 minutes. Worst 2 minutes of my life. Seriously watching her look completely lifeless in my arms for even a split second was WAY to much for me to handle. You should never have to see that when you are a parent.
And for a baby to have been through everything she has been through in her short 18 months then to have one more thing to add to the list...its not fair. She doesn't deserve it. I just want her health to be perfect like she is. I love her so much I never want her to hurt like that EVER again. I wished the entire 2 minutes it was going on that it was just me. Please just let it be me. And through it all my child came out smiling and laughing and happy at the end of the day. You wouldn't even know she was sick or that she just had a seizure a few hours ago. It's amazing. God is amazing. SHE IS AMAZING ! I am praising God for blessing me with this miracle I get to call my daughter and for blessing us each and every day and helping bring us through the obstacles with her health. God is good.

Me

My mom...

Seriously, I don't wanna be a crybaby. But I am going to be. So if you are reading this and don't wanna hear it stop now. My mom left 4 days ago. Thats right 4 days. And I am seriously...missing her. I never in my entire life thought that I would miss her this much. My home feels empty. I feel empty. Yes, I have Kaci and Brandon and they are amazing but my mom is my best friend. I miss my best friend. I know she isn't gone for good but it still is just not fun. I am a big girl and I have a family of my own but gosh...without my mom I just don't feel whole. Some people would assume I miss her because they think that she takes care of my daughter for me and cleans my house for me but you're wrong. My house is clean and my daughter is WELL taken care of. I just plain old miss her. So I had my first breakdown today since she left. I can guarantee you its not the last. 3 weeks is a long time to be away from the one person you have always been able to depend on. Nobody wants to be away from their best friend. It's not a good feeling. I have never been away from my mom for longer than a few days. I have especially never been away from her while she is having loads of tests run on her depending on whether or not her life is saved. Its hard. I heard her voice today and I just lost it. Not to mention just a second before that I had been talking to my aunt about what was going on and apparently the mayo clinic is able to turn my mom down if she is not able to pay for her medications she will need. They don't pay for all of that and its REALLY expensive. And to hear that there is any sort of chance that my mom won't be able to get this life saving procedure when she does,in fact, need it...kills me. I love my mom...and I want her to watch Kaci grow up. I want her to see my brother have her grandbabies and I want her to see all the important things. Right now without her getting a new liver...its not looking good. All we can do is pray. Gods will will be done I know that. But, what if its Gods will for her to NOT get the liver when she needs it. How do you really accept that? I can't think like that...I just want to be positive. God has brought her this far...he kept her alive 7 years longer than the doctors thought she would live...doctors told me she would never see me graduate,never see me get married, never see her grandbaby...and guess what she has seen it all and will see more. She has too... I guess I just needed to vent. I miss her so much I just needed to get it all out. Been really stressed lately so worried about her so thanks for listening if you got this far...

-Me

My Best Friend...

I have been laying here in bed for hours now thinking of you. While you sleep like an angel this is what mommy does. I lay here thinking of your face. Your absolutely perfect smile that could light up any room no matter how dark. You beautiful eyes that have stolen so many hearts already in your short lifetime. My darling you are so perfect. I often sit and wonder just how your daddy and I made something so amazingly perfect. Seriously Kaci...I spend every waking moment with you and still when you go to bed...its never enough I want to just keep you in my sight at all times because you are just so wonderful.
How did I live without you? Before you...I really don't want to call it living. I was simply existing until my entire reason for existence arrived. And boy did it arrive with a bang. A wopping 7 lb beautiful baby girl that from the very beginning had my heart.
How did I breath without you? I have no idea how my lungs filled with air each second of the day before you came along and filled every breath with shear perfection. Every inhale and exhale being so wonderful since you showed up.
How did my heart beat without you? Did it simply not know of how much love it was able to provide? I know my brain didn't know. When I met your daddy I thought that my heart would explode from all the love I felt for him in the exact moment I looked into his eyes. But just like him...the moment your eyes hit mine...It was bliss. From that moment on every beat of my heart is for you.
How did the world turn without you? I'll never know the answer to this. I vaguely remember my life without you. But I can tell you one thing...the earth did not turn quite as gracefully as it has since you stepped foot onto it. Every single step you take on it gives life more meaning.
You have totally and completely stolen my heart. Kaci Jade...17 months after I first laid eyes on you I can tell you that my heart holds more love for you with each passing second. And I don't know how that is possible because at the very moment I saw you I thought there was no way that I could love you more...but I was wrong so very very wrong. You are hands down 100% the most incredible gift from God I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. You are my miracle and my best friend.
-Mommy

Dear Kaci,

My goodness !! I cannot believe you are already 17 months old !! This month really has flown by. You are doing so many new things lately its hard to keep up ! Best thing is you are walking great now ! You can almost run! I am one proud mama walking around holding your hand in the mall and at the park. You love to walk too. You rarely ever want me to carry you which is really good for mommys back. I love that you reach up for my hand cause you just wanna hold it while you walk. We found a new place that you absolutely LOVE to play at. There is a little play place at the mall that has slides and tunnels and you just love playing in it. I love watching you. When you climb up the slide and you get to the top you look over at me and have the biggest smile on your face. It seems like you want to make sure I am watching. I enjoy seeing you have fun it is seriously the best feeling. You have a slight cold. I am not sure if its a cold or the freaking weather not wanting to make up its mind whether it wants to be hot or cold. You love playing outside now that you can walk really good. You also are saying backpack,ball,good girl,and instead of all gone you say gone gone just like mommy used to when she was your age! I love it ! Today was a good day. It was me and you all day. I was rocking you to sleep for your nap and I was watching a show...and this girl had twin girls and they were born 7 weeks early and one died at a few days old and the other died 12 weeks later...I cried while I rocked you and I held you so tight and kissed your little cheeks like crazy. I feel so blessed to have you baby. You are just the most precious gift I have ever received. You are growing up to fast and I just wish I could slow down time. But, since I can't I just savor every moment with you. Every hug. Every laugh. Every boo boo. Every sweet kiss. And every single day...because everyday when I wake up to you...that is the most amazing thing to wake up to. You brighten my days when I am having a bad one and you just make every second of the day worthwhile. You are my love. You are the best thing that's ever been mine...



-Mommy