What we see in our children...

When you look into the eyes of that amazing human being you created what is it that you see?



I can honestly say I see perfection. I know that nobody is perfect except God of course but she is so close is pathetic. Kaci is this incredible ball of awesomeness. When she looks at me...I see so much love in her eyes. When she crawls over to me and says "Mama" I can really feel that this little person loves me unconditionally. No matter what I have done in the past she doesn't care...I am her hero. I am her rock. I am her sole source of love and affection. Yes, others can love her. Other can hold her. Others can say that they love her just as much as I do. But, forgive me you are wrong. This child is my world. You may come close to loving her that way but nothing can touch this love. The love a mother has for their child is amazing. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test it was over. I felt love from that moment on. When I saw her heart beating away on the ultrasound and saw her little body shaped into the formation of a seahorse...I realized that my heart was no longer my own. When I knew I was going in to be induced and I would soon meet this amazing being that I had created and nourished in my body for 9 months I was overjoyed. Flooded with mixed emotions of whether or not I was ready. Would I feel that instant connection all mothers speak of when they see their baby for the first time? Yes, times a million. When they placed my child on my stomach at that moment my heart could have exploded because of the amount of love I felt. Tears rolling down my face and staring at this beautiful baby covered in God only knows what...I was completely and utterly in LOVE. Her cry, her eyes, her lips, her nose, her feet, her hands, her belly button, and yes even her poopy diapers...I love everything about her. It is something that if you are a mother you know exactly what I am talking about...its something so indescribable. I really cannot put into words the love I have for Kaci. She saved me. In more ways that one. She is my light...my hope...she shows me that there is still such beauty in this ugly world we are living in. She showed me that no matter how rocky the road was before her...the road from there on out would be paved with this beautiful little girl to brighten up even the most horrific of days. And yes her whole first month of life...my daughter showed me what true strength was. She fought. She fought hard. And she won. I don't feel like I should be her hero at all...She is mine. She is my angel. My amazing little miracle. My reason for waking up in the morning. My entire reason for existence. My Opie. My turtle. My panda. My love. My Kaci Jade.

(Just for the record those are all nicknames that I gave to Kaci while I was pregnant and after I had her.)



Me.

Remembering...

Watching the show NICU on discovery health got me really emotional tonight. That is a place that I honestly don't ever want to be again.
I never got the chance to tell the full story of my experience at the NICU so I will take the opportunity.
My daughter was born May 1,2009 as all of you know. She was so perfect. We brought her home 2 days later and everything seemed fine. But, the day we got home she would not latch on to me anymore. She was a breastfeeding champ at the hospital but as soon as I tried at home she wouldn't latch. I automatically started telling my mother and Brandon that something is not right. But, everyone kept telling me that these things happen so I just kept trying. a few more days went by and things got worse. We had to start formula and she was spitting up constantly. We were also having issues because she had jaundice. So I kept taking her to her pediatrician everyday to get her levels tested. All the while I still felt as if something just wasn't right. Then when she was 4 days old her jaundice level jumped to 20 and they needed to readmit her to the hospital to be put under the bili bed overnight to get her levels down. Well we settled into our hospital room and put Kaci into the bili bed. My room was right next to the nursery so I was pumping her bottles to feed her through the night. She needed 2 ounces every 3 hours. Around 2 a.m. I wasnt getting any milk while pumping around that time so I had to break down and give her 2 ounces of formula at that feeding because the nurse insisted that she needed it. Well, that is when it happened. Things went from ok to awful. The nurse began to force the bottle of formula down my childs throat because Kaci did not want to eat. I kept telling the nurse that she hasn't wanted to eat in days and the nurse kept forcing it down her. Then Kaci vommitted green mucous and I knew that wasn't good. I asked the nurse if that was normal and she looked at me and said its not a good sign. But continued to force the bottle down her throat as she is puking up mucous at the same time. I would love to get my hands on that nurse still today !
Onto the rest of the story. The next morning Kaci's pediatrician came in on his day off to order the xray that showed what we all we dreading to see. Her intestines were flipped cutting off blood supply. She would have to be rushed to Vanderbilt Childrens hospital where she was to have surgery within that week. She rode in an ambulance the 45 minute drive as we drove behind them. I sobbed the whole way. I remember that whole day as being a complete crying fest. Brandon would just hold me and try to stay strong for me but when they put her in the incubator and he saw her tiny fragile little body being poked with needles and her crying and screaming...it became to much for him and he broke down. To this day i remember him looking at me in the hallway of the hospital holding an empty carseat and asking me why...why our daughter? I wish I knew that answer.
When we got to VCH she was place in the NICU where the doctors came in and we were told her surgery would be within a few days. We felt positive when we left.
Then they called the next morning saying her surgery would have to be moved to that day because it was more twisted than they orignally thought it was. So we rushed the hospital and they told us the surgery would take up to 2 to 3 hours and they started when we were leaving our house. When we got there we sat in the waiting room for literally all fo 15 minutes and they came out and put us in the room to tell us how it went and I just remember the docs first words were "Everything looks great" The surgery took 30 minutes and they thought she would be on the ventilator to help her breathe afterwards but no my child didn't need that at all.
For 3 weeks she laid in the NICU. She wasn't able to eat for the first 2 because they were having to pull green bile and mucous out of her belly where it had sat in there. Then it finally turned clear and we were able to feed her. It was the best feeling in the world. Those 3 weeks without her were the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. We felt so empty. We left the hospital each day with an empty carseat in the back seat. We had an empty bassinet sitting next to our bed. And we had empty arms that longed to hold her everynight before bed...but thats just not the way it worked out. I am so thankful to the NICU team at Vanderbilt. Those nurses treated my child like she was their own. I remember one nurse I loved the most she would sing to Kaci and rock her when I wasn't there to do so. It was amazing. They saved my daughters life and I am forever grateful for them. I still to this day donate money to that hospital because of all that they did for my baby.






so thats the story. Sorry if it bored you but I always wanted to post it in this for Kaci to read later.

Brittany

Lucky...

Here lately I look around me and gosh...I am so lucky. I don't mean to write this and rub it in anyones faces that is not my intention but I just have to write about life as of now and that is exactly how I feel.
I am a mother to an AMAZING 14 month old. Kaci is just wonderful. She grows everyday and learns new things constantly its hard for me to keep up. She recently learned "NO" and shakes her head no when I say it to her. How can I stay mad at what she was doing when she does that? She points ALOT now !! And talks up a storm. She is finally sleeping through the night again. I took out her tinkerbell light which was as bright as a lamp and put in a very dim night light and she has slept through the night since. She doesn't like to have much light at all when she is sleeping. I couldn't sleep with the tv on when she slept in my room even if it was all the way down she would wake up. But, if there is NO light she freaks out. So we had to find a happy medium and I believe we did. Lets keep our fingers crossed cause let me tell you I am enjoying 10 hours of sleep !! I love her to pieces she is the highlight of my day !!






My husband and I recently had it out. I feel like we hit a huge bump in our marriage but I honestly knew it was coming. We just were not intimate anymore...and by that I do not mean sex...I mean emotionally if that makes any sense.I felt completely alone even when he was in the room with me I was lonely. I felt like he was in another world always and never cared about me and how I felt. All the romance had ran right out the window. I know after you get married things fizzle out I am very aware but gosh we gotta keep something alive or what is the point? We have to rekindle some kind of spark that we used to have or we will forget why we fell in love in the first place. I know before a few days ago I was never reminded of the reasons I fell in love with him. So, we had it out. We fought. I was ready to leave then I had my best friend come over and calm me down and she got me calm enough for me to start thinking. I thought about the first moment I saw him. That smile. I remember running to my mom to tell her how gorgeous my new manager was !! I remember the day I stole his number off a work order and started texting him. I remember our very first date...Scarface and zaxbys...and the best end to the night...he was a perfect gentleman and kissed me. And let me tell you when I remember that kiss I remember what I felt at that moment. Although I was sitting down my knees went weak. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I never wanted it to end. And I was in love. That very night I knew that he was the one. the one God put on this earth to be mine forever. I know it sounds crazy but that is the honest truth...I was his that night forever and he knew it too. We fell fast and hard and it was the best feeling in the world. I wouldn't change it at all. Then I remembered our wedding day. I was so nervous. But it was amazing. To walk down that aisle and know I was making the right decision...knowing wholeheartedly that i wanted him forever. And that smile on his face when he saw me was wonderful. Then I remember the best day of our lives. The day we welcomed our daughter into this world. He sat by my side for 23 hours. When I wanted to give up he whispered in my ear that I could do this. And when she came out and they placed her on my chest and he took one look at her and started crying and he leaned down and whispered in my ear that she was perfect and that I did the most amazing job ever and that he loved me so much...and then he thanked me. At the time I didnt even realize it but he thanked me for birthing his child lol. It was my honor to have our child. And what a child. He recently told me why he thanked me though. He said he watched me for through pure hell for 9 months straight to bring that baby into this world. He said he never knew anyone so strong. And that made me melt. I remember all these things and I know why I am in love with him...I think its good to remind our selves because you do get caught up in this crazy life we live that we don't take enough time for each other. I don't know how many fights we will have in the future... but I do know this...No matter how many fights we have I am here forever. We may feel so much rage at times for each other but he will always be my forever love. We will always be together. I will always love him so very much. He will always be my hubby bunny...but most of all he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND!


Yes...I am so lucky...

Brittany

Flash Me Friday !

Jen started something called "Flash me Friday" and my friend Jessica talked me into doing this. This time we are taking pictures of our kitchens. I suppose it's a chance to get a peek inside the houses of others...I doubt anyone wants to get into this house lol clutter clutter to much stuff and not enough space for it...we need a bigger house already so please try to not look at the mess.

14 Months...

Dear Kaci,
Another month gone and you're another month older. I feel like I say this constantly but where did time go? The painful realization that you are growing up kills me but what a joy it is to watch you and to have the privilege to watch you my baby. A week ago I read a mothers blog...a week ago she lost her son. Her 7 year old son lost his fight to cystic fibrosis. It really made me realize how precious time is. How I just want to grab every moment and hold onto it because you just can't get it back. Once it's gone it's gone. As I am sitting here watching you dance and watch barney I am overwhelmed by sadness for that mother...She can no longer look at her son and watch him dance and watch his favorite shows. He is with God now...and finally breathing with ease. We all complain about things in our day to day lives that we probably shouldn't. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed I just want to be lazy...there are days where I want to pull my hair out by the end of the day because I am so tired and so done with saying "NO" and "Don't touch that" all day long. But, I want to stop this. Yes, my darling you are a handful. You are a little ball of energy and you are just simply a mess...but you are my mess...the best kind of mess there could ever be. Next time I feel a moment of me losing my patience I want to sit and breath and remember that there are mothers out there who would give anything to have one more day to tell their children "NO" and "Don't touch that" again. I can never imagine these mothers pain...and I don't wish to. I hope I never have to know that pain and would never wish it on anyone.
My sweet angel I love you so much...and I want to enjoy every second I have with you because time is flying by and before I know it you're going to be going to school, then starting high school, then graduating, then getting married, then making me a grandma...it seems to far off...but so close. Don't grow up to fast my love. Stay my baby forever.
Mommy