The loss of a child...

There comes a time in life where everyone will grieve. Every single person on this planet will lose someone they once cared about whether it be a family member or friend. But, not everyone will know the grief of losing a child. I've never known this grief and I pray that I never will. But, in this past week my cousin(who is like my sister) gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Jackson. The birth did not go as planned and there were many mistakes made by doctors and nurses at the hospital that my cousin was at. Little Jackson was stuck in the birth canal for a while. He was without oxygen for a while. In order to get him out they had to break his clavicle and his arm. He was born quiet and still and not breathing. The doctors revived him a few moments later but I believe in all of our hearts we knew that this was the end. He was transferred to another hospital where his heart gave out 2 days later and he went to be with God. It was very sudden and unexpected because her pregnancy was so perfect, so routine. He was a healthy baby. We all expected to be at the hospital and hold him and love on him and shower him with presents he couldn't even use yet...but we stood in the hall listening to my cousin scream in agony. Screaming "I'm pushing as hard as I can !!"...she was doing what any mother would do in that time and that was fight for son. She begged for a c-section ,she pushed until she could not breathe, and she watched as her son came into this world already gone. I sat frozen in the waiting room. As I was walking down the hallway to go in her room I was trying my best to go over what I would say to her. When I got in there I grabbed her hand and told her "he will be just fine" even though I believe even she knew that he wouldn't be. She felt guilt that this was her fault, that she had not pushed hard enough. I think we were all at a loss for the right words at that point. 2 days later he was still alive and even though he was hooked up to monitors and IVs everywhere I believe the fact that he made it 2 days had given all of us some hope. My cousin was finally discharged from the hospital that morning and made the long drive to the other hospital where her sweet boy was. It wasn't but a few hours later that we got the call he had went to be with our Lord. It was like he waited for his mommy and daddy to be there and he felt their presence and he knew he could go then. My heart broke into a million pieces thinking of my cousin and her husband. I looked over at Kaci and my eyes were welled up with tears as she asked me "whats wrong mama?". I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her as tight as I could. She wouldn't understand this even if I tried to explain it so I just held her and it's as if she knew I needed it at that moment because she usually attempts to wiggle out of my hugs but not this time...she just sat there and pat me on the back and let me hold her as long as I needed to while I cried. The pit in my stomach grew as we got closer to the day of the funeral. At this point none of us had actually gotten a chance to see little Jackson so this would be the first and last. I have been to 3 baby funerals in my life...and its been 3 too many. But, this was different. The others were my friends children and while it was horrible...this was Ashleys son. The same Ashley that I grew up with. Spent summer days swimming in our nannys pool together, spent nights building Barbie towns that were so elaborate by the time we built them we were so tired we could no longer even play, this was Ashley...how do I even begin to tell her how sorry I am. Will that make any difference in her eyes? I have a child and I can imagine what it would be like but I can never fully know what Ashley feels. I was quiet the whole ride to the funeral home. As I walked in and signed the book outside the door I knew that this was it, I had to think of something to say to her, something that was going to make all of this go away and she was going to feel better. When I saw her standing next to his tiny casket crying her eyes out I knew then, nothing that I say will matter. She turned and looked over her moms shoulder and saw me and held her arms open for me to come and hug her. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. This is what she needed. Just to let it out. We stood there and cried together and I heard through the crying her say "Brittany, I just want him back !!", all I could muster up was "I know, I know". After we stood there for a while she wanted to take me over to see her son. Like the proud mama she is she showed him to me and though she was crying slightly I could see her eyes light up when she spoke about him. She showed me his big ol hands, his soft hair, his tiny little lips, his chubby little cheeks, and his nose that looked just like hers. She rubbed his face and his hands and said "He is so perfect, isn't he?" Of course he was. He was beautiful. Other people got to the funeral home and wanted to see her and him so I stepped aside but periodically I would come back up and just hold her hand and look at him with her and we would talk about how beautiful we was. I would watch her from a distance and I would catch small moments where she would smile while she looked at him. That mothers love we all feel when we see our babies...she felt it. Even though he was gone she still felt it. I watched her as she stared off into space and I wondered, what could she be thinking?? The day passed all too quickly and he was buried in a plot next to his uncle Josh, Ashleys brother who had died a little over ten years ago. Now, as I sit here writing this its all still fresh in my mind so I can only imagine how fresh it feels in Ashleys. She now has a room where her healthy baby boy was supposed to be sleeping in, she has no pictures of her son, she has a mold of his hands and feet, and she has a hole in her heart. I'll never understand the purpose for things like this happening and maybe we will never know what Gods plan is but... None of this is fair or right. This is something no mother should ever have to go through. She wanted this baby, and her and her husband tried for almost a year to conceive him. He was going to be so loved and taken care of. She would have been an amazing mother. And in the future I hope that she gets that chance again. I know that it will not take Jacksons place but perhaps it will help fill that hole in her heart just a tiny bit. I hope with time Ashley can heal and be comforted knowing that she has a precious angel in Heaven watching over her. And though Jackson is not with us in the flesh, he will live on in our hearts forever. RIP Jackson Raymond 05/20/2013-05/22/2013

Dear Kaci 4 years old !!

Happy birthday Kaci Jade !!!!!! I cannot even begin to describe to you how I feel right now !! It doesn't feel like its been 4 years since I have given birth to you but looking at you and seeing how much you've grown I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that you are growing up right before my eyes !! Here lately you have been extra sassy and you definitely are showing that you are turning 4. We had your birthday party on April 27th on the Saturday before your actual birthday so that your family and friends could all come celebrate with you ! You had a Spider-man themed party and as per usual on your bday it rained like CRAZY !! We had a bounce house booked for the day to come out to the house so that you and your friends could jump in it but since it was raining so bad we decided to cancel the bounce house last minute because you just wouldn't have been able to enjoy yourself because it was cold outside as well. But, the day turned out to be great still because you had all the people you loved in one place and that is honestly all that matters on days like that. Seeing all the love that everyone has for you and wanting to celebrate the day you came into this world with us means a lot ! Spider-man actually came to your party and you were so excited !! We got all sorts of pictures with him and you had on a spider-girl dress so you just looked so adorable ! You are really into super heroes and dinosaurs lately and I think its pretty adorable !! I made your birthday cake and some cake pops(my very first try at either) and even though neither of them were perfect it made it so special to know that I was able to do that for you for your birthday !!! I just can't believe you are 4. Its so funny how I can't remember what I did last month but it doesn't take much for me to remember everything from the week you were born 4 years ago. Every single move and feeling that I made and felt that week is so vivid in my mind it's scary sometimes. I can remember every time the doctor came in the room to check my progress when I was in labor. I remember the every push it took for you to make your appearance into this world. I remember the tiny little cry you made within the first few seconds of your life on the outside. I remember the look on your dads face as he watched me push you out. I remember the moment you came out he leaned his head down and hearing him cry slightly into my ear and whisper "I can't believe she's here!". I remember your Mimi bending down to give me a kiss after you were born and feeling her teardrops hit my cheek. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with this crazy amount of love I never knew could exist. I remember when you were a day old you spit up a small amount of blood and the nurse told me it was completely normal. I remember going home a few days later and feeling so scared. I remember getting home and you not wanting to latch on to eat and telling your dad and mimi that something just wasn't right. I remember struggling the next 2 days and feeling so helpless because I knew something was wrong but everyone kept telling me it was nothing. I remember taking you to the doctor to get your jaundice levels checked and them telling me you needed to go back to the hospital to be admitted for the night because your levels were so high. I remember crying the whole way to the hospital and feeling like this wasn't just a small case of jaundice. I remember seeing you laying in the bili bed and thinking how funny it was because it was like a mini tanning bed, you had cute little sunglasses on and everything. I remember going in your hospital room to feed you that night and you didn't want to eat at all. I remember the nurse telling me you absolutely have to eat a few ounces per doctors orders. I remember crying and telling her no. I remember it wasn't a moment later that you projectile vomited an enormous amount of green bile. I remember looking at your dad in complete horror and feeling my stomach drop. I remember asking the nurse if that was normal and her exact words were "No ma'am that's not a good sign". I remember us anxiously waiting for the doctor to come in a few hours later. I remember them taking you back for a CT scan. I remember the doctor coming in and sitting down and saying "It's not good". I remember him telling us that you would need to be rushed to Vanderbilt Children's hospital 45 minutes away and would need emergency surgery because your intestines were twisted cutting off blood flow and that they weren't able to see the full extent to how much bowel had died. I remember him telling us that if all of your bowels had died off then we had no other options. I can remember as he walked out of the room my eyes welled up with tears and I felt like all the blood drained out of my face. I remember your dad just holding me and being so strong telling me that everything would be fine. I remember almost blaming God and wondering why He would do this to you. I remember the Angel Ambulance techs coming in to start your IV and put you in the incubator for transport. I remember up until this point your daddy not shedding one tear. I remember as they wheeled you down the hall and into the ambulance as soon as you were out of sight your daddy fell to his knees in the hallway of the hospital and cried like I have never seen him cry before. I knew he had to let it out. I remember the feeling of waiting for you to get out of surgery the next day and how scared and anxious we all were and just pacing the floor waiting for them to call us back. I remember when they called your name and sat us down in the room the doctor came in, sat down, and said "Everything went spectacularly and we did not have to remove any of her bowel !!". I remember him calling you an "absolute miracle" because most babies he has seen that went 6 days before surgery had a large portion of their bowel removed. I remember dropping to my knees and thanking God and saying how sorry I was that I ever blamed Him or doubted Him. You stayed in the hospital for a few more weeks getting bile removed off you stomach and then you finally got to come home. It was the hardest and scariest week of my life but it was also the absolute best. I wouldn't trade anything that we have been through because its brought us to where we are now and shaped you into this amazing little person I have loved from the very second I knew you existed. Seeing you come into your own and growing into this independent preschool age little girl has been so amazing. I use the word bittersweet A LOT in the letters I write you but there is no other way to describe you growing up. I love watching you grow and I love every moment we share together but it's also so hard to watch you grow up and know that you will be starting school soon and then you will be in middle school and then you will be in high school and then after that you will be grown and going to college and having a family of your own... I feel like I just had you yesterday and now you are 4... what will it feel like when you are 18?? I feel like I blinked and you became this little lady who is scared to get her hands dirty and is SOOOO picky she wants to eat nothing but strawberries, yogurt, grilled cheese, and macaroni (of course you eat more than that but if you had your choice you wouldn't). You have been fully potty trained for almost a year now, you clean up after yourself, you always use your manners, you want your mommy at all times especially when you are sick or don't feel good, you love spending time with your daddy so much and get so sad when he has to go to work, and boy do you love your Mimi...she is your favorite person in the whole world and I hope that even if she doesn't live to see you grow a whole lot older that you will always know how much she loved you and remember all the amazing times and moments you have had together because Kaci she loves you more than you will ever be able to understand and so do I. I am going to go ahead and end this because as always I am getting misty eyed talking about all of this. You gotta stop getting so big on me, kid. I love you so much more than I could ever explain with words and I hope you feel that from me always. Happy Birthday my sweet little miracle...here's to many, many, many more. Love, Mommy