I lost it today...

It's been almost a week since we all learned about the tragedy that happened in Sandy Hook and I am just now feeling halfway able to put my feelings into words. As a parent this has taken a huge toll on me and I would expect that it probably has on every other parent around the world. We shouldn't have to hear about school shootings at all but when you hear about them you almost always know its a high school...but when I heard it was an elementary school with kids all 4th grade and under I was shocked. What kind of a monster could do this? Only a certain kind of evil could walk into a school full of small children and hear their screams and see their terror and open fire on them. Not only do I feel so much grief for the parents and families that lost loved ones but I feel sorrow for the children who survived as well...because even though they lived through this awful tragedy their innocence has now been taken from them. School is no longer just a place where they will go to learn and play with their friends but its now a place where some of their friends were killed. School will no longer be safe for those poor children and they will carry this with them the rest of their lives...and that is something I find so heartbreaking its just to much. I decided today was the day I would write my feelings down because I was at the mall earlier today with my mother and my 3(almost 4) year old daughter Kaci. This mall has a carousel in it and of course my overjoyed toddler went running to it and had to ride. We were standing in line and these 2 beautiful sisters were in line behind us with their mom and we of course made small talk about which animal they would ride on the carousel and how pretty they both were. Then I felt compelled to ask them how old they were. The first little girl spoke up and held out 4 little fingers and gently said "4" and my daughter was so excited to tell her that she was about to be 4 as well. Then I asked the other little girl and she softly spoke with a lisp and she said "I'm 6", and with those words I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes and I looked and her mother and she looked back at me and her eyes began to tear up to as she knew 100% why I was crying and she felt the exact same thing as I did. The innocence of this little girl struck me. She was not much bigger than my daughter and she still looks at the world like my daughter does...as a safe place. They don't yet know the ugly and evil things that this world can sometimes bring with it. 6 is supposed to be such a joyous and wonderful age where you are just getting into the groove of going to school, you're losing your front teeth, your really starting to find your best friends, you still think the opposite sex has cooties...you're just starting to live and these children never got a chance to. They will never get to be in that awkward preteen stage where they aren't sure of themselves. They will never get to go through the teenager stage where they think their parents are the enemy and the world will end if they don't get to go to the movies on Friday with their friends. They won't get to graduate high school. They won't get to live in a dorm or go to college. They won't get to meet their soul mate and get married. They will never have children of their own. Those things are so hard for me accept because I look at my daughter and I see her future. I paint beautiful pictures in my head of what her future looks like. I look into her beautiful blue eyes and I cannot imagine not ever getting to look into them again. I hear her sweet angelic voice and I feel like if I couldn't ever hear it again I would go insane. If I couldn't feel her arms wrap around my neck, if I couldn't hold her hand, if I couldn't give her eskimo kisses...My world would be over. I will not pretend to know what those parents feel but as a parent myself I can only imagine the heartache. Our hearts are heavy as we struggle to come to terms with this senseless tragedy and somehow move on. But, I can speak for myself and my family we will NEVER forget the names and faces of those lives lost that day.