Kaci 2 years months 1 and 2

My dear sweet Kaci,

Mommy is so very sorry that I skipped month on of writing your letters after your second birthday. You know mommys brain can sometimes (lots of times) not function properly and I just forget. Chasing you around the past 2 months has also kept me more than busy...obviously busy enough to neglect my blog for you. My sweet baby you are growing up right in front of my eyes. You are becoming less and less baby like each day and I see more and more toddler and young girl characteristics. You are such a mommy lately. You have a baby doll, well actually you have like 20, but this babydoll is your favorite and it just so happens to be the cheapest lol. But you carry her around and pat he on the back and you will sing to her and try to change her diaper. Its the sweetest thing I have ever seen. When I saw you climb up in the rocking chair with her wrap a blanket around her and put her up on your shoulder and try to rock her to sleep the way I used to rock you...tears welled up in my eyes. Thats been happening a lot lately. I get that lump in the back of my throat like I am about to cry so much lately because its just like everytime I look at you...you're different. How is that possible? How are you growing so fast? I wish time had a pause button. I need for time to have a pause button. I feel like everyday you do something or say something new. Which talking is one of your favorite in things to do nowadays. Baby you can blabber on about pure nothingness for hours on end and its so precious. But I really love the age you are at because you are able to finally tell me what you want and don't want and if you need something like a diaper change you tell me now. Its very nice. You have a brand new cousin who you got to meet the other day for the first time. You were a bit jealous as first of baby Tej but you warmed up to him. You were jealousy while mommy was holding him and you reached up and grabbed my hand and said "You my mommy" Of course I am you mommy sweetie but Tej is mommys nephew my one and only nephew and I am so happy to have him. I am first and foremost yours ALWAYS ! Of course you knew that though. You say some of the funniest things sometimes. And not to mention the funny things you do. The other day you pooped in the potty (RARELY HAPPENS) Well when you got done and got up to flush you of course had to get mommy to flush it for you and as it was going down you said "BYEEEEE POOP!!!" I laughed so hard I cried. It was an amazing moment that I will surely never forget. You're really enjoying having me around these days. It used to be you wanted to play in your room alone while I got stuff done around the house but now you want me to come in the room and play with you or watch a movie with you. I am fine with it. Playing baby dolls and watching Tangled for the millionth time...there is nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with you my love. You have really just grown lately. And its breaking my heart all over again. Every month you get a little older and I see these changes in you and I definitely realize the passage of time is something I just have to live with...and I have to soak of every ounce of every moment with you because it does go so fast. Recently you probably saw mommy upset. A mother named Casey Anthony killed her little daughter that was the same age as you...and she got away with it. I know you don't understand that now but you will one day...and I just was so shaken by this trial and the story. It was heartbreaking. I hugged you tight for a while the night they announced her not guilty. I am not sure exactly why it made me want to hold you but it did. I guess it just made me realize that someone out there killed that 2 year old girl no matter who it was she was killed and it hit to close to home. And I just wanted you to know I will never let anything happen to you my angel. You are my world and you always will be. I would lay down my own life if it meant you would live a long healthy and happy life. I just love you Kaci. You're my best friend. In fact I am gonna go snuggle up next to you right now and go to sleep. I love you my angel.

-Mommy

Dear Kaci...2 years old.

I don't even know how to put the words together to tell you how I feel. You turning 2 has been something I knew was coming and thought that I couldn't wait for it to be here and now that is it here...I just want to go back. I want time to slow down. I feel as if I just woke up one day and you went from that tiny fragile 7 pounds miracle to this amazing little 2 year old who is talking and being so independent I don't know how to keep up. I am so very proud of you my angel. I know that I say it all the time but Kaci you really are a miracle. Every parent feels that way about their children but you honestly are. Since before I got pregnant with you...challenges in life have been fighting against you. From finding out 3 months before I was pregnant with you that I "couldn't" have children, and then the white spot and cyst on your brain that magically went away while I was pregnant with you, and then the life threatening surgery you had to repair your bowel and you didn't lose ANY bowel at all...yes my darling you truley are a miracle. I sit here day after day and I feel like we just don't have enough time. I try so hard everyday to savor each second. To take in every new thing you do...but there just aren't enough hours in the day to experience all the amazing things you do.

I thought when I was younger that I wanted to finish school and then get my youth out of me before having children. I always thought that I wanted to work and have fun with my friends and maybe after I was done with all that I might have children. I never really pictured myself having kids because I honestly never had that dream. It was something that I just imagined I would do later in life....but then you came along. And you helped me realize a dream that I never knew that I had. I look at you and I am just so amazed that I created you. That I held you in my body and made you. Its unreal. I never thought I could create such perfection. But, my gosh am I glad that I did.

On this day my beautiful little girl...I just want you to know how loved you are. How wanted you were. And how precious your presence is to me. Your smile when I come in your room in the mornings seems to be able to brighten up even the darkest of days. Your hugs and kisses in the moments that I need them the most can remove every single dark cloud that life throws at me. I hope that one day you can thank God for giving me to you as a mother like I thank God for giving me your mimi as mine...but sweetie I am the lucky one. I thank God everyday for giving me you. I feel so blessed to be your mother. I know there is a God when I look at you...and that he chose me to be your mommy...I don't know why but I won't question it because you are the absolute be thing to ever happen to me...and I don't know what I would do without you my sweet angel. So I hope you had an amazing birthday and I can't wait to have many many more with you.
I love you my little miracle.
Love,
Mommy

Dear Kaci 23 months...

I cannot believe that in less than a month you will be 2. I can't even begin to describe how crazy it is to say I have a 2 year old ! You are so crazy lately. You talk CONSTANTLY I swear its like you woke up one morning and decided to talk. You doctor said that a child your age should be saying between 15-25 words and your daddy and I wrote out how many words you are saying and you say right around 50. I was shocked. I guess when I hear you say them I don't realize just how many you say. But of course you are so smart I don't know why I was so shocked. You are absolutely the most amazing baby on this planet. I have been hard at work planning your birthday party. Its going to be zebra print themed. I got you a zebra print skirt and I got a hot pink shirt and I am putting a zebra print 2 on it and you have a bow and sunglasses to match. And your daddys cousin is making you a zebra print cake. She made our wedding cake so I know she will do amazing ! I am so excited for you to get the day to spend with all your family in one place. I know you miss your nana and papa when you can't seem them. Lets just hope the weather isn't a repeat of last year since your birthday was the day of the worst flooding Tennessee has ever seen. And we had 2 tornado warnings for our area during your party also haha. So yea I am hoping for nice weather this year for sure. I went back and forth on whether or not to rent a place for your birthday or have it at the house I eventually decided that it was would be nuts to spend over 150 dollars renting out a place for a 2nd birthday. Maybe for your 3rd but I think you would enjoy it just being at the house this year. Luckily daddy got his grill fixed so we are gonna grill out and have a good day just praying for a beautiful day this year ! If its not we will still have fun ! And you don't know it yet but you are getting an AWESOME birthday present. Mommy and daddy are buying you a car. Of course not a real car but an electric car just your size. Still havent decided completely on which one we are getting but you are definitely going to be riding around in style next month ! I am just still in shock that I will have a 2 year old in just a few short weeks. But Kaci I am so incredibly grateful to have you. You are so amazing and I feel so blessed to have you. I don't want to say to much in this letter. Gonna save all the mushy good stuff for your birthday letter next month. I love you my baby !!
-Mommy

Dear Kaci 21 and 22 months

I am so sorry my baby that I forgot to write your 21 month letter. Things have been so hectic around here that mommy just had a brain fart. I hope you will forgive me. Mommy is so proud of you. You are learning how to talk to much more now. Just this past month I have started to really be able to understand what you are trying to tell me and I love it. When you want something you point to it and say "I want" and if I pick up the wrong thing I get a big "NOOOOOO". I know I am not supposed to laugh when you say no but gosh it is so cute I can't help myself. The terrible twos aren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. You throw a temper tantrum every now and then but nothing that I can't handle. You are seriously so well behaved I feel blessed. I mean don't get me wrong you have your moments thats for sure but for the most part I have no complaints. You are spoiled rotten. But hey I wouldn't have you any other way. We recently got you a new bedroom suit and you LOVE IT !! Its got a big girl bed instead of that small toddler bed that you couldn't move around in. And your MiMi got you a flat screen tv instead of that old thing you had in there before. I feel so blessed to have your MiMi here and I know you love it too...Anytime I don't give you your way you start yelling for MiMi but she loves it and I really don't mind. We recently had your Uncle Mikey and Aunt Jayas baby shower here at our house and you were so well behaved. You followed Uncle Mikey around pretty much the whole time and when he left you were walking around the house for days saying "Mikey?? Mikey??" It was so precious. You really do love him and I am so glad cause he loves you so so much. Your baby dedication was a few weeks ago and you were on your best behavior there as well. You looked so beautiful in your little pink dress and when they were singing you got up and started dancing. It was awesome. I can't think of a better way to give you back to God. Since you really belong to him he just loaned you to me :). And I am so blessed that he chose me to be your mother. I couldn't have hand picked a more perfect child even if I had had the chance. You are everything I ever wanted and more. I feel so lucky lately. Things are falling into place. Daddy and I have been doing amazing lately I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. I start school March 8th and I am very excited to better myself not only for me but for you and your daddy as well. Your MiMi gets to go back to work. I just love life...I couldn't ask for a more fulfilling life than the one I have and I know that I owe it all to God. We have been going to church and I just love knowing that you are going to be brought up knowing God. I know I am jumping from one subject to the next but the point is I love you more than anything baby and I cannot believe you are 22 months old. in just 2 short months you will be 2 years old and I don't even know how to comprehend that. You are growing up way to fast for me and while I love it and I also don't because you are slowly becoming your own little person who doesn't need mommy as much. But we won't get into all that. I love you baby and heres to another amazing month being in your presence.

Miserable People...

Things lately have been looking up. I feel like I have been so much happier lately than I have been the past few months. I had just been a in a funk and I finally found my way out. This week has been exceptionally great because we found out my mom gets to go back to work :) she gets to keep her insurance so when and IF she needs the transplant she has the coverage for it! On top of that we have been going to church the past few weeks...I honestly think that is what I needed to pull myself out of the funk. We are having Kaci dedicated to God on the 20th at our new church and I just cannot WAIT to witness it! Also financially speaking we are doing great ! Bills caught up and actually ahead on most of them...it feels good to be stable again. And my marriage...has been wonderful. We are working together to build our relationship into a stronger one and its working really well for us.

But, there are some miserable people out there who just can't seem to be happy for me. They feel its their place obviously to bring me down. And not DIRECTLY saying they are trying to do it I guess they think makes it less obvious to me but I am not dumb. I don't understand why people can't just not say anything at all if they have nothing nice to say. It's really actually humorous to me that these people are THAT miserable in their own lives that they have to TRY to bring me down. But, sadly their attempts at trying to make me as miserable as they are have failed. I am happy and for once I refuse to apologize for being happy. I have no reason to lie or put on a front about it...I AM HAPPY and it burns you and you know what? I don't care because I will continue to be exactly what I am. Life is to short for me to sit back and worry about what you feel or how you feel about me...I am tired of worrying about what I am gonna say and wondering if its going to upset someone if I say the wrong thing. I am tired of letting others push me around...its went on WAY to long. I am ready to be happy 24/7 and if that means pushing the negative and miserable people out of my life then so be it. I refuse to be anyones doormat. I just can't stand miserable people...Live your own life and STOP worrying about mine. Kay thanks bye !

My mother, My hero...

There are just no words to describe my mother. Anyone who meets her will tell you that she is the craziest person they have ever met but in a REALLY good way. She is the funniest mom anyone could ask for. Not a day goes by that she doesn't find some way to make me laugh and put a smile on my face. While being funny and outgoing are great qualities in a mom...trust me she has so many more...She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She NEVER thinks about herself. EVER !! When she gets any amount of money she NEVER wants to spend it on herself...she wants to buy everyone else things they want. She is always thinking of others. I just can't imagine my life without her.

I don't show my appreciation enough to my mom for being the most amazing mother on this planet...and I should because she won't be around forever. Honestly, we didn't think she would be here now. With doctors looking at you and telling you that your mother would never see you graduate,get married, or have children...you tend to lose a whole lot of enjoyment in life. From the moment those doctors told me that...I have not wanted to be without my mom. I get nervous when she is away from me for more than a day. I just don't ever want to lose her. And every single day since that doctor said that I have thought..."what if this is the day?" and I don't ever want it to be that day. I want her here forever. I want her here everyday to watch Kaci grow up and make her a great grandmother someday...I want so badly to know that she is going to get a transplant for sure and that things are going to work out perfectly but I just don't...I don't know what the future holds and honestly that terrifies me. I know I have to put it in Gods hands and I did but she just means so much to me. But this post isn't supposed to be talking about her dying. I just needed to show my appreciation and love to my mother. Getting to spend the day with her today ALL day has just made it the best day I have had in such a long time. I love you so much mom...you are my best friend...no matter how much we argue and disagree I will always love you so much and you will always be my best friend and my hero just like you always have been. I am just so thankful that God blessed me with you as my mom because nobody else would have done such an amazing job. Thank you for always being you mom.

I have so much to say...

At the same time though I really feel like I have ONE thing to say. I am a good mother. I don't know where anyone got the impression that I am not but I assure you...you were misinformed. Finding out that some people assume that my mom takes care of my child for me was a real slap in the face especially when me,my mom,Brandon, and ANYONE else who has ever been around me knows the truth. Anytime you see me...you see Kaci. She is with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I wouldn't have it any other way. When Kaci was about 0-3 months old my mom helped me...SHE DID NOT DO IT FOR ME she HELPED me because I was a new mother and I was overwhelmed with my daughter having surgery and my husband being out of town...But like I said over and over again she HELPED me...there is a huge difference between doing it for me and helping me...and my mother will vouch for me on this...I take care of my daughter I have since the moment she was born and I will keep taking care of her until the day I die. I don't mean to be rude or sound like I am jumping anyone because I'm not...this post IS NOT directed towards just one person in particular I have had at least 2 people in the past few months accuse me of not being a mother. This is just a touchy subject to me. Because, well...I don't feel like I have ever really done ANYTHING right in my life...except Kaci. I feel like I pretty much failed in ever other aspect of my life except being a mother to her. It is the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my entire reason for existence. I get up with her throughout the night if she needs me. I get up in the morning with her and we eat breakfast together. We play after that. Then she takes a nap and I clean usually. When she gets up from her nap we play some more or go run errands. And then at night I feed her dinner give her a bath and put her to bed...before she turned 15 months old I rocked her to sleep EVERYNIGHT. I would do anything for that little girl...I would die for her in an instant...If all those things mean that I do not take care of my daughter then I think you have some learning to do. My mom does not help me anymore. My mom lives with me so that we can help each other out FINANCIALLY. She does not clean my house for me nor does she take care of my daughter. Yes, sometimes if I get done drinking out of a glass and i sit it on the table and I haven't taken it to the kitchen yet she will take it for me but not because she thinks I wont do it...because she has the motherly instinct...just like I do with my child. I am so over having to defend myself because people think its their place in life to tell me what I do and don't do with MY child. I am a fantastic mother. If I did everything else in my life wrong I know that Kaci is the one thing that I did right. I guess I just get bothered by people who know zero about my life but feel its their right to state their opinion. Especially when their opinion could not be more wrong. I love you Kaci Jade.