Happy Birthday My Kaci...

My sweet angel...Time seems to have gotten away from me this past year. I feel as if I just saw your sweet little face for the first time yesterday and here you are turning 1. I have mixed emotions about this day. As it has been approaching I have been excited but dreading it. It's a painful reminder that time just goes by to fast. I'll never forget this day one year ago. I won't lie...I was miserable. I was in so much pain and felt so sick waiting for you to get here. In labor for 23 hours and on magnesium so my blood pressure doesnt spike up I was ready to give up...and then it happened...In a moments notice everything that had happened before that meant absolutely nothing. I heard the sweet sound of your first cry. And when I say sweet sound...I mean the most amazing sound I have ever heard. Then they laid you on my belly and I took one look at you and it was as if the world had stopped for just a second and you and I locked eyes and I was totally and completely and amazingly in love. Before that I never knew my heart could hold so much love for someone. I couldn't believe that I had created you...something so utterly PERFECT. There was no other way to describe you but PERFECTION. At that moment I had no idea but as you grow...my heart holds more and more love for you each day that goes by. We had no idea that in just a few days you would go through an ordeal that would almost take you from me...It hurts to even think about that time. I just remember you laying in that incubator after surgery and looking at you and just praying. Begging God to please let you make it through it. I would do ANYTHING if he would just let you make it through this...and here we are. You are the most amazing and beautiful little girl ANYONE could ask for. You are the light of my life. My reason for being. My complete and total everything. And I love you so much baby. Happy birthday.
Love, Mommy.

The Love Dare

It's about time for a new post eh? The title of this post is what I am up to recently. That's right I took the love dare. For those wondering what this is i will explain. The love dare is a book. You read it over a 40 day period each day you get a new "dare" to strengthen or perhaps save a marriage that is falling apart. As hard as it is for me to admit...I am taking this challenge because of the second reason. My marriage is not strong. My marriage feels as if it is falling apart day by day and I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with how much our marriage is lacking. I am on day 4 of this dare and I have broken down probably 50 times already realizing just how much we needed this. Brandon does not know I am doing this dare. Everyday after I do the dares I write him a letter telling him exactly what I did and how he responded and how I feel about it. I found myself starting this challenge because I thought it would make Brandon change. Here I am 4 days in and I realize he is not the only one who needed to change. How can this book show me in 4 days what I should have known all along. I blamed him for things that are obviously my fault. Yes, he needs to change don't get me wrong I am not the only problem in this marriage but I am a big part if it. I never realized that I am very selfish. I thought all this time that I think more about my husband than I do myself and honestly I can say that now I was wrong. The biggest thing I have learned already is that I am the most impatient person especially when it comes to my husband. If he does one thing or says one thing out of line or something I don't like I snap. I yell and get mad and make him feel like an idiot and I hate myself for ever making him feel like that. I married a wonderful man and it's time I remember that and appreciate it before I lose him. Kaci is the best thing that ever happened to me but I need to remind myself that without Brandon there would be no Kaci. I could have had a baby with anyone but she would not be the perfect angel she is...she would not have his perfect nose and his cute grin and that widows peak in her hair...the things that make her my baby would not exist without my husband. He goes to work everyday to provide a home for me and my daughter and even lets my mother who has cancer live with us and doesn't complain a bit. When he is sick or has a cold he still goes to work. Yes he is tight with money to a really rediculous point but I am thankful for that because sometimes if it weren't for him being tight with money I might spend it all. We got married quickly and a month later we got pregnant...we never got the honeymoon stage that most couples get and we have ALOT of stress on us that people who have only been married a year don't have most of the time. It's hard. We make the best of it but our marriage is suffering from the stress of our daily life. I am severely depressed about alot of things lately I I take it out on Brandon. For no reason at all. Just because he is there. And I never EVER wanted to be that kind of person. I love him so much it hurts sometimes...and lately because of this book I am remembering the old days before we got married when we first got together and them months after that we just couldn't even keep our hands off each other. I swear sometimes I would just look at him and stare because I couldn't understand how someone so wonderful would want anything to do with me. And since we got married I have forgotten that feeling. But since starting this book I have a better respect and more understanding of him and I swear I catch myself staring at him the same way again. I find myself wanting to kiss him more and just wanting to hold him and let him know that I do love him and I am sorry if I ever made him feel otherwise. Although I am only 4 days in and have learned so much already I am going to finish the 40 days and learn more and strengthen my marriage even more because I love my husband and I made a promise to be with him forever and I fully intend to keep that promise if he will let me. I hope at the end of all this he realizes that he and Kaci are my world and I couldn't imagine spending eternity with anyone else.

Dear Kaci,

My baby. How time flies. I have never loved something so much in my entire life. I am watching you chew on your glow worm right now and I am just overwhelmed. My little 8 month old !!! We have settled into a routine now finally you are sleeping from 10 till 8 then your go back to sleep after a bottle till about 10 ! With 2 naps in the day. Your eatings fruits and veggies and drinking from your sippy cup. You are cutting your 4th tooth right now. Your 2 tops ones are coming in. 1 has already busted through we are just waitnig on the second one and you are having a tough time with this one. I never have seen you act this way over a tooth it must be hurting you pretty bad. I try to help as much as I can but sometimes I am just helpless and just cuddle with you and rub your head and that seems to make everything better. You are such a mommys girl and I love it. You love you daddy and mimi but Mommy is your favorite and I can't even describe how amazing it feels. You are saying mama now. You will yell for me if you want me or if I am not paying attentiion to something you want me to see. I can't describe my love for you Kaci. One day you will have a baby of your own and see it but right now you won't understand I didn't fully understand my mothers love for me until I felt you growing inside me and it was over then. You became my everything that moment. I love you so much my angel. I am gonna go snuggle up to you right now.
Mommy<3

Wordless Wednesday

In review...

2009 was good to me. Unlike the 2007 which was the worst year of my life until December when I got with my husband. But, this post is to review 2009. Started the year off being oh so pregnant. Had my baby shower in March then had my amazing daughter May 1st...the best day of my life. I became a mommy and not only a mommy but a mommy to the most amazing little girl to ever bless this earth. I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary to the most amazing man to ever come into my life. He is such a blessing I love him so much. My dad got out of jail. I just feel like that year was wonderful. So much happened and it was great I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me. My babygirl will be 1 I will be 21 I just...can't believe how great life is !!!

Dear Kaci...

It's been a few weeks. I feel like a bad mommy I have been so busy with the holidays and everything going on with you being sick time has gotten away from me. This past week has been a rollercoaster. One moment we are told you have pneumonia and swine flu then the next day I am informed that you have neither of those and you have a VERY BAD bladder infection. Thank God for Dr. Little he has been such a blessing since the moment you were born I could never ask for a better pediatrician. Then the other day you stopped taking a bottle then you wouldn't take you paci which was really when I knew something was up because you LOVE you paci. So I took you to vanderbilt and of course you have a BAD case of thrush due to the antibiotics for the bladder infection. Today you finally started taking your bottles again. I have done nothing but cry,pray, and cuddle with you. You have said "Mama" over 20 times the past few days and MiMi and Daddy heard you so I am not losing my mind haha. You don't know what it does to me. On one hand it makes me the happiest mommy in the world and on the other hand you say it mostly when your upset and want me and its heartbreaking to know I couldn't do much to help you. My sweet angel I have enjoyed the cuddle and snuggling time we have had the last few days but now that your feeling better you don't seem to want to snuggle anymore except when your sleepy. But, I am glad your feeling better and I will take the snuggling anytime I can get it. You make me so happy. I watched you sleep last night for hours I just couldn't sleep because I was so happy that you were reating peacefully for the first night in almost a week. I cried and smiled out of shear happiness all night. I love you my angel...know that always. I am gonna go snuggle up next to you and daddy.

Update.

I have the biggest idiots in the world for doctors at the hospital here in town. My child does not have pneumonia nor does she have swine flu. She has a bladder infection. I took her to her pediatrician this morning cause I just didn't feel right... I am beyond pissed right now. But here are some pictures of my child who "has pneumonia and swine flu" :)