Its been one of those days...

My life has been great lately. Today was going fine then 2 girls had to go and start drama and TRY to ruin the string of good days I am having. But ya know what I am proud of myself. I held my ground and stood up for myself. I didn't let them get to me and I feel great about the situation now. The only thing that slightly got me upset was being called a bad mother and finding out that this girl said my OWN MOTHER said I was a bad mom...YEA RIGHT. My mother would never say that and my mom is actually ROYALLY pissed cause this girl lied on her. My mom told me yes, I made a mistake but its done with and all the parties involved and the ones that weren't involved in the beginning but want to get in it..need to grow up and get lives. I mean seriously who sits at their house and thinks oh lets call Brittany and let me listen in and see if she says anything about me...You know who does that?? High schoolers... OH WAIT...Middle schoolers. My cheerleaders are more mature than that lol. But, back on subject I thought for a second...Am I a bad mother? I talked to my friend Jessica and asked her and I told her to be blunt. And she says Im not...she is right I need to speak up to my daughters doctor more but I let the whole doctor thing intimidate me lol. But its like Jess said I notice things when they are different in Kaci. I noticed when she wasnt eating when she got home from the hospital I knew something was wrong. And just the past 2 days i noticed Kaci is pooping alot more...If I didnt take care of my daughter how would I have noticed these things? I wouldn't have. And then I talked to my mom and mom said I am a great mother. No, im not perfect but hey who is really? The person who is accusing me of this isnt a perfect mother either so I don't know why she judges me. I feel like she is kinda mad cause I have a husband and mom to help me out. Its like she resents me for not doing this on my own. I am doing it the right way im married. I have a husband who is amazing. We have ups and downs but I was honest with him about alot of things and we worked through it and because of this whole situation we are so much stronger together. I don't know what else I can do about the situation. My mom says I dont pawn my daughter off on her...here lately she has came to me a few times and said Brittany can I rock Kaci?? lol its funny. Mom enjoys being with Kaci...but so do I and here lately its been just me and her. She goes to cheerleading with me and sleeps with me and Brandon at night more...She was napping in moms bed at night for about 3 hours but that has stopped. Mom actually came in about an hour ago and asked if Kaci could sleep with her tonight lol. I let her cause Kaci brings so much joy to mom. But, she is gonna call me when Kaci wakes up so I can get up with her instead of her cause mom needs to rest. Life is just steady been getting better since the whole situation happened...I dont think thats coincidence ya know ? I wish no harm on these girls but I just dont wish to have them in my life anymore...We are better off without each other.
Well I am so sore from cheerleading we made up the competition dance and you gotta do like squats and knee spins and everything in it and I did it like 50 million times tonight so I am about ready to just topple over lol. I am gonna go get in bed with the hubs and enjoy the few hours I have in my bed without being squished in between Kaci and Brandon even though I wouldnt want to be squished between ANY other people lol.

<3Brittany

New Ideas...

So I have decided that since this blog is sort of like a way for me to keep up with Kaci's growings and new things she does every week I will write her a letter in here. I mean I have been doing this since I was 11 weeks pregnant with her and plan to keep going for a while and when she is older I will get it published for her so she can see what all mommy went through while pregnant with her and when she was born and beyond. I know I randomly write letters to her on here but now this is set goal of mine to write her a letter every week since she is doing such new things lately. So here goes...

Dear My Kaci,

This week you have been especially adorable. I don't know why but you seem to be acting shy around people you don't recognize. You have a new smile...that is just as amazing as your regular smile. You melt mommys heart everytime you shoot that cute little grin her way. Mommy was in the hospital last night with a kidney stone and a kidney infection so when mommy got home from the hospital daddy let mommy rest and you and him spent all day together on his day off. You really are starting to enjoy daddy. You were somewhat apprehensive at first because he works alot and isn't home with you as much and mommy and mimi are. But, it had gotten better and you now smile when you hear his voice. It makes daddy so happy. I can really tell he loves you so much. We switched you to size 3 diapers this week. The size 2's fit but they seemed a bit tight so I figured its best for you to be comfy. The 3' fit perfectly and they dont seem to be cutting off circulation in your big ol' thighs hehe. You went to cheerleading practice with mommy tonight and lets just say that didn't go very well. You didn't want mommy to put you down (I don't think you ever want me to honestly) and all the girls seemed to huddle around you and scared you. So you were cranky but we made it through. On the way home mommy had to pull over on the side of the road and get you out of your carseat and rock you to sleep because you were screaming so loud that you were choking yourself. You were so tired and restless. But we made it through. I am wondering really what is gonna happen on October 17th when mommy and mimi go see Dane Cook. Daddy doesnt feel comfortable staying with you by himself at night since you seem to get very cranky at night and only want mommy. So I am still a little worried. I am sure I will figure something out though. Well my love I think that is all for this week. I am going to go lay down in bed with you and daddy. I love you so much my angel.


<3 Mommy

Update on my mommy and other things...

Mom went to Vanderbilt today. I guess we got...news? They did another CT scan to see if it was in fact her gallbladder. If it is...we are out of luck. Since she has liver cancer stage 4 she NEEDS her gallbladder whether it is inflamed or not its better for her to have it in than out...The doctor told her point blank her liver would shut down while she was on the operating table. So lets pray its not her gallbladder. Her spleen and pancreas are also enlarged...not sure what we are gonna do about this yet. At this point her liver is still functioning...its functioning very slow and not the best it could be but its still working. So we are taking it one day at a time. She is gonna keep going routinely to get her levels checked and if it gets the the point where she is getting so bad she needs a new liver...we will be moving to Florida to get closer to the mayo clinic so when they have her new liver we can be there within a an hour or so instead of like 6 hours. So i may be moving to Florida within the next few years...but not permanently. Mom just has to have a caretaker living with her down there. They pay for her a place to live and everything. Please just pray for her. It would be greatly appreciated !
In other news Kaci is still amazing. We had a day to ourselves today. Mom was at Vanderbilt and Brandon was at work so it was me and Kaci in the house all day by ourselves ! I loved it. We played and laughed and napped and cuddled. It was nice. I love her so much !
Anyways...Just wanted to update. Things are going okay. Also, I stay up all night last night scaring the hell out of myself reading about what is "supposed" to happen in 2012...
Love you guys !
Brittany<3

I got nothing...

I was trying to think of something really neat and interesting to write about today in my blog but alas...I got nothing. It has been far to normal around my house lately and its kinda weirded me out. I have gotten over the issues I wrote about last blog. I no longer run through my mind every few minutes thinking about it. I can't do it to myself. It's not fair for me to live like that when I feel like I did something that was right.
Anyways, Kaci is getting big. I can't believe my little 7 lb baby is already 16 lbs. Where did it go? Where did my baby go? She used to just be a blob. She would sleep and eat and poop. Now she laughs,rolls,talks,sticks her tongue out,kisses her mommy, sits up on her own, jumps in her jumperoo....I could go on and on about how much she has changed. I don't like it. I understand now why women get pregnant again so soon after having a baby...you miss the baby !!!! I feel like I blinked and she is already almost 5 months old. I guess I did miss the first 3 weeks of her life cause she was in Vanderbilt. I still can't believe all that happened. My little baby has already been through more in her life then some people go through their whole lives. Its crazy to me.
But, like I said I dont have much to say. I am not feeling well at all today so I am gonna go lay down with my little Jellybean !
Brittany<3

New beginnings ?

My husband and I had a huge fight over the past few days....in matter of 3 days we went from happily married to seperated and talking about divorce. I hate it. I really do. I thought for the longest time that I as unhappy with him. I even talked to an ex boyfriend who actually tried to get me to leave brandon for him...and I think I actually thought about it.
But then last night happened. We fought,we argued, we cried, and we made up. Just those few days without him laying next to me in the bed...killed me. Granted he was int he living room he wasnt in my arms...where he belongs. I'm slowly realizing its not him im unhappy with...its myself...and my problems. Him and Kaci are the only 2 good things I have going for me right now. I need him. It's not a fact of wanting him anymore I realized last night I need him. He is the other half of my heart...he is my smile...my laugh...my love.
Without him I am only half a person. I know it sounds stupid and cliche' but thats how I feel...I feel like if there is such a thing as a soulmate he is mine. He was put on this earth and made by God especially for me. And all the other losers before him were just good place holders until the real thing showed up and swept me off my feet.
And then he gave me the other piece of my heart. The part that walks outside my body...well she doesnt walk yet....but she rolls outside my body right now. She smiles and laughs and says "mama" and she is the reason I wake up in the mornings. She is my entire reason for existence. When I hold her in my arms and she looks into my eyes I know there is a God...there has to be to have created something so perfect and gave it me. I believed in love at first sight as soon and she came into my life. Out of each and every one of my imperfections I created perfection. I love her...with my whole heart and soul.
Brittany<3

I'm not ready for this ....

My mom sat me down to talk today about what to do once she dies. She doesn't want to be cremated. She also told me that before she dies she is going to get very sick. Probably so sick that she doesn't want me to see her. So she says she is going to go live in Smyrna with my aunt so she can take care of her till she goes.
I'm not ready for this. I am 20 years old I am not ready to lose her. I don't want to do this. I can't do this I am not strong enough to do this. I have been breaking down ever since she talked to me about it. I AM NOT READY !!!
It's not fair.
I can't do this.
Please God...Someone...help me.
I am losing it.
Brittany<3

Sooner or later...

I knew that I would get tired of it. I knew that I would eventually let people run over me one to many times and I would snap...Now is the time. I will not go into details but my "best friend" does this to me all the time and then apologizes a few days later and thinks that makes up for treating me like crap. I am done now. She has her issues and claims I wasnt there for her but I have issues of my own. I had a daughter running a fever all day and my mom couldnt get out of bed today due to her gallbladder hurting her like crazy. I begged her to go to the hospital and she wouldn't. Well in the midst of all this I forgot to call Chloe. Ya know I have other things on my mind as well and calling her was not at the top of the list. I am tired of it. I hate this...
To top it off my dad is back in jail...awesome.
FML