Dear Kaci 4 years old !!

Happy birthday Kaci Jade !!!!!! I cannot even begin to describe to you how I feel right now !! It doesn't feel like its been 4 years since I have given birth to you but looking at you and seeing how much you've grown I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that you are growing up right before my eyes !! Here lately you have been extra sassy and you definitely are showing that you are turning 4. We had your birthday party on April 27th on the Saturday before your actual birthday so that your family and friends could all come celebrate with you ! You had a Spider-man themed party and as per usual on your bday it rained like CRAZY !! We had a bounce house booked for the day to come out to the house so that you and your friends could jump in it but since it was raining so bad we decided to cancel the bounce house last minute because you just wouldn't have been able to enjoy yourself because it was cold outside as well. But, the day turned out to be great still because you had all the people you loved in one place and that is honestly all that matters on days like that. Seeing all the love that everyone has for you and wanting to celebrate the day you came into this world with us means a lot ! Spider-man actually came to your party and you were so excited !! We got all sorts of pictures with him and you had on a spider-girl dress so you just looked so adorable ! You are really into super heroes and dinosaurs lately and I think its pretty adorable !! I made your birthday cake and some cake pops(my very first try at either) and even though neither of them were perfect it made it so special to know that I was able to do that for you for your birthday !!! I just can't believe you are 4. Its so funny how I can't remember what I did last month but it doesn't take much for me to remember everything from the week you were born 4 years ago. Every single move and feeling that I made and felt that week is so vivid in my mind it's scary sometimes. I can remember every time the doctor came in the room to check my progress when I was in labor. I remember the every push it took for you to make your appearance into this world. I remember the tiny little cry you made within the first few seconds of your life on the outside. I remember the look on your dads face as he watched me push you out. I remember the moment you came out he leaned his head down and hearing him cry slightly into my ear and whisper "I can't believe she's here!". I remember your Mimi bending down to give me a kiss after you were born and feeling her teardrops hit my cheek. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with this crazy amount of love I never knew could exist. I remember when you were a day old you spit up a small amount of blood and the nurse told me it was completely normal. I remember going home a few days later and feeling so scared. I remember getting home and you not wanting to latch on to eat and telling your dad and mimi that something just wasn't right. I remember struggling the next 2 days and feeling so helpless because I knew something was wrong but everyone kept telling me it was nothing. I remember taking you to the doctor to get your jaundice levels checked and them telling me you needed to go back to the hospital to be admitted for the night because your levels were so high. I remember crying the whole way to the hospital and feeling like this wasn't just a small case of jaundice. I remember seeing you laying in the bili bed and thinking how funny it was because it was like a mini tanning bed, you had cute little sunglasses on and everything. I remember going in your hospital room to feed you that night and you didn't want to eat at all. I remember the nurse telling me you absolutely have to eat a few ounces per doctors orders. I remember crying and telling her no. I remember it wasn't a moment later that you projectile vomited an enormous amount of green bile. I remember looking at your dad in complete horror and feeling my stomach drop. I remember asking the nurse if that was normal and her exact words were "No ma'am that's not a good sign". I remember us anxiously waiting for the doctor to come in a few hours later. I remember them taking you back for a CT scan. I remember the doctor coming in and sitting down and saying "It's not good". I remember him telling us that you would need to be rushed to Vanderbilt Children's hospital 45 minutes away and would need emergency surgery because your intestines were twisted cutting off blood flow and that they weren't able to see the full extent to how much bowel had died. I remember him telling us that if all of your bowels had died off then we had no other options. I can remember as he walked out of the room my eyes welled up with tears and I felt like all the blood drained out of my face. I remember your dad just holding me and being so strong telling me that everything would be fine. I remember almost blaming God and wondering why He would do this to you. I remember the Angel Ambulance techs coming in to start your IV and put you in the incubator for transport. I remember up until this point your daddy not shedding one tear. I remember as they wheeled you down the hall and into the ambulance as soon as you were out of sight your daddy fell to his knees in the hallway of the hospital and cried like I have never seen him cry before. I knew he had to let it out. I remember the feeling of waiting for you to get out of surgery the next day and how scared and anxious we all were and just pacing the floor waiting for them to call us back. I remember when they called your name and sat us down in the room the doctor came in, sat down, and said "Everything went spectacularly and we did not have to remove any of her bowel !!". I remember him calling you an "absolute miracle" because most babies he has seen that went 6 days before surgery had a large portion of their bowel removed. I remember dropping to my knees and thanking God and saying how sorry I was that I ever blamed Him or doubted Him. You stayed in the hospital for a few more weeks getting bile removed off you stomach and then you finally got to come home. It was the hardest and scariest week of my life but it was also the absolute best. I wouldn't trade anything that we have been through because its brought us to where we are now and shaped you into this amazing little person I have loved from the very second I knew you existed. Seeing you come into your own and growing into this independent preschool age little girl has been so amazing. I use the word bittersweet A LOT in the letters I write you but there is no other way to describe you growing up. I love watching you grow and I love every moment we share together but it's also so hard to watch you grow up and know that you will be starting school soon and then you will be in middle school and then you will be in high school and then after that you will be grown and going to college and having a family of your own... I feel like I just had you yesterday and now you are 4... what will it feel like when you are 18?? I feel like I blinked and you became this little lady who is scared to get her hands dirty and is SOOOO picky she wants to eat nothing but strawberries, yogurt, grilled cheese, and macaroni (of course you eat more than that but if you had your choice you wouldn't). You have been fully potty trained for almost a year now, you clean up after yourself, you always use your manners, you want your mommy at all times especially when you are sick or don't feel good, you love spending time with your daddy so much and get so sad when he has to go to work, and boy do you love your Mimi...she is your favorite person in the whole world and I hope that even if she doesn't live to see you grow a whole lot older that you will always know how much she loved you and remember all the amazing times and moments you have had together because Kaci she loves you more than you will ever be able to understand and so do I. I am going to go ahead and end this because as always I am getting misty eyed talking about all of this. You gotta stop getting so big on me, kid. I love you so much more than I could ever explain with words and I hope you feel that from me always. Happy Birthday my sweet little miracle...here's to many, many, many more. Love, Mommy

Dear Kaci 3 years 8 months,

Happy new year sweet girl !!!! Its officially 2013 and you are only a few short months away from being the big 4 !! I will go ahead and start with Christmas !! It was a tough year financially for us. We were worried that you wouldn't have a good Christmas but we somehow pulled off an awesome haul for you...umm err Santa managed to ;-)! You, of course, got the Barbie bike that you have been begging for for months !! I can't even tell you how bittersweet it is that you have outgrown your tricycle and now can tide a big girl bike. You have been super obsessed with Barbie for months now and I couldn't be more exciting about that. When I was your age I became obsessed with all things Barbie and Disney (specifically Beauty and the Beast) and you are following right in my foot steps !! Although, recently you have developed a love for The Little Mermaid instead of Beauty and the Beast but I can't complain cause thats definitely one of my favorites as well. You also are really into Monsters Inc. lately so for Christmas you got Mike and Sully stuffed animals and my personal favorite toy you got was a Boo doll. She talks and says all kinds of cute things !! Funny thing is you somehow pulled her head off the night you got her and your daddy,mimi, and I tried for about 30 minutes to get her head back on and then finally it just popped right back on lol. It was funny ! You got a bunch of new figurines to add to your collection. You already had well over 150 but now you have over 200 easily !! You are obsessed with them. We went to the Disney store and they always have these 2 figurine sets for 20 dollars so we ended up getting you 4 sets. You got the Monsters Inc set, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Phineas and Ferb. You really aren't that into Phineas and Ferb but you love Perry the platypus!! You got 2 different play tents. Uncle Michael got you a Barbie tent. It pops up and folds up easily so when you are done with it it doesn't take up room !! You love it so much and had a blast putting all your new toys inside it haha ! Your Aunt Ashley(technically I guess she is your great cousin but she is more like a sister to me so yea) and uncle Daniel got you a castle tent. Its big enough for you to get in and stand up and it has windows also. It doesn't pop up and down you have to take the little poles out but its AWESOME !! You love dressing up in your princess dresses and playing in there. You've really been into playing blocks with your daddy recently...you guys build a castle out of your blocks and then play with your figurines in it !! You sure do love your daddy and I love it !! We can't deny that Mimi is still your favorite person in the whole world though !!

I lost it today...

It's been almost a week since we all learned about the tragedy that happened in Sandy Hook and I am just now feeling halfway able to put my feelings into words. As a parent this has taken a huge toll on me and I would expect that it probably has on every other parent around the world. We shouldn't have to hear about school shootings at all but when you hear about them you almost always know its a high school...but when I heard it was an elementary school with kids all 4th grade and under I was shocked. What kind of a monster could do this? Only a certain kind of evil could walk into a school full of small children and hear their screams and see their terror and open fire on them. Not only do I feel so much grief for the parents and families that lost loved ones but I feel sorrow for the children who survived as well...because even though they lived through this awful tragedy their innocence has now been taken from them. School is no longer just a place where they will go to learn and play with their friends but its now a place where some of their friends were killed. School will no longer be safe for those poor children and they will carry this with them the rest of their lives...and that is something I find so heartbreaking its just to much. I decided today was the day I would write my feelings down because I was at the mall earlier today with my mother and my 3(almost 4) year old daughter Kaci. This mall has a carousel in it and of course my overjoyed toddler went running to it and had to ride. We were standing in line and these 2 beautiful sisters were in line behind us with their mom and we of course made small talk about which animal they would ride on the carousel and how pretty they both were. Then I felt compelled to ask them how old they were. The first little girl spoke up and held out 4 little fingers and gently said "4" and my daughter was so excited to tell her that she was about to be 4 as well. Then I asked the other little girl and she softly spoke with a lisp and she said "I'm 6", and with those words I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes and I looked and her mother and she looked back at me and her eyes began to tear up to as she knew 100% why I was crying and she felt the exact same thing as I did. The innocence of this little girl struck me. She was not much bigger than my daughter and she still looks at the world like my daughter does...as a safe place. They don't yet know the ugly and evil things that this world can sometimes bring with it. 6 is supposed to be such a joyous and wonderful age where you are just getting into the groove of going to school, you're losing your front teeth, your really starting to find your best friends, you still think the opposite sex has cooties...you're just starting to live and these children never got a chance to. They will never get to be in that awkward preteen stage where they aren't sure of themselves. They will never get to go through the teenager stage where they think their parents are the enemy and the world will end if they don't get to go to the movies on Friday with their friends. They won't get to graduate high school. They won't get to live in a dorm or go to college. They won't get to meet their soul mate and get married. They will never have children of their own. Those things are so hard for me accept because I look at my daughter and I see her future. I paint beautiful pictures in my head of what her future looks like. I look into her beautiful blue eyes and I cannot imagine not ever getting to look into them again. I hear her sweet angelic voice and I feel like if I couldn't ever hear it again I would go insane. If I couldn't feel her arms wrap around my neck, if I couldn't hold her hand, if I couldn't give her eskimo kisses...My world would be over. I will not pretend to know what those parents feel but as a parent myself I can only imagine the heartache. Our hearts are heavy as we struggle to come to terms with this senseless tragedy and somehow move on. But, I can speak for myself and my family we will NEVER forget the names and faces of those lives lost that day.

Dear Kaci 3 years 4 months

Hi sweet baby. I am such a slacker when it comes to your letters lately. I feel like as long as I get all the good stuff in here I am doing good but I have started to have to write stuff down as the months go along just to make sure I get the right stuff in here when I do get a chance to write it. First off I want to say I have started a new project that I am so excited about. I bought you one of my favorite books the other day its called "Love you forever". Even though I bought it for you I won't be giving it to you till your 18th birthday. There are just enough pages in it for me to put 18 letters on. Since I have kept a well documented blog full of yearly letters to you on your birthday I am going to put every single letter I wrote you on your birthday on each page of the book. That way on your 18th birthday every page will have a letter from me for each year you have been alive. I wanted something special for you and I love keeping this blog but I just keep getting scared that something could happen and I could lose all this info so I wanted to make it even more special for you. I saw this article of this father who bought the book "Oh the places you will go" by Dr. Suess and each year he got her teacher she had to write his daughter a letter on the pages and on her graduation day he gave it to her. I thought it was a beautiful idea and it brought tears to my eyes so since I have the letters I previously wrote to you and will keep on writing you I decided to do my own version in one of my favorite books. The book "Love you forever" is basically saying no matter how old you are whether you are 3 or 3 years old you are my baby and you always will be and I will love you no matter what. I hope you appreciate it and enjoy it because I know I will enjoy making it for you Kaci. Anyways on to new things you have been doing. You have really become a big girl lately. You speak so clear now its crazy !! And boy do you have attitude!! I don't know where you get that from *looks around* lol Mimi says you are just like I was at your age !! When you don't get your way you throw a princess fit. Its funny but at the same time we gotta get you out of that cause you can't be doing that in school. You have been doing amazing with the potty training. Peeing is no longer an issue you go all day and night without having any pee accidents. The pooping has not been as easy. You still have a few accidents here and there with the pooping. We were having issues mainly because you were having a hard time pooping. Since you had your surgery when you were a few days old you have had some issues with pooping. With the guidance of your doctor(who we love) and some decision making on our part your daddy and I have decided to put you on miralax for the time being. The doctor said she doesn't know how long you will have to be on it. It could be a few months it could be forever. Luckily its not something that you can build a dependency on. So far its been helping so much !! Something thats new you have been doing lately is wanting me to rock you to sleep again. When you turned 1 you decided you no longer wanted to be rocked to sleep. And up until now you haven't wanted to but I am not complaining at all. I absolutely love rocking you to sleep. I love the feeling of you laying in my arms. You fit so perfectly that its as if they were made to hold you. I could rock you and hold you forever and it just wouldn't be long enough. Life just makes more sense with you here Kaci. I can't even begin to explain it but I feel like my whole life before meeting your daddy and having you was just time going by... But since you and your daddy came into my life it's like I finally have a purpose. It's like I was standing still before you and now I am in motion. You and your daddy are what keeps me goin. I'll never be able to explain how you two saved me. I am a firm believer in God putting people in your life for a purpose and from the moment I laid eyes on Brandon I knew he was special. And I know at time I can get caught up in the superficial things like him not being that romantic or buying me things but when I think about it honestly there isn't a gift in the world he could've gave me that was more amazing and beautiful and precious than you. I'll always be thankful because without him there would be no you. God picked us to be your parents and we could've have asked for anything better for him to give is. You really do bring so much light and love into everyones lives and I am going to be forever grateful that he trusted me to be your mommy because I couldn't think of a better blessing !! Mommy

Dear Kaci..3 years old

Hi my sweet baby. I just want to let you know first off that I am so so sorry that I am behind on your letter writing. Mommy got a great new job and has been so busy I just have been trying to find the time to sit down and actually write it out for you my love. So here goes. You turned 3 almost 3 months ago. I don't know how you are 3 already but this age you are at is so much fun. To celebrate your bday we had a party at the house and of course had to get a big bounce house for you and your friends to play in. Mainly mommy and daddy were the ones in there jumping with you but we had a blast. It was a Toy Story themed party so your cake was just adorable with all your favorite characters on it. Tons of family and friends came out to celebrate your 3 years of life. You got a whole bunch of presents as well. You got the doll house you had been begging for and tons of furniture to go in it. A week after your birthday you,me,and Mimi got on an airplane and headed on down to Florida for a week of relaxing with aunt Jaya and your cousin Tej !! We had a blast. It was the first time you and I had been on an airplane and you did better than I did. It was only an hour and half flight and you had a blast on it and you did so good that they gave you bubbles as you were getting off in Florida. While we were there we went to the beach and went swimming and even visited the Navy base where aunt Jaya works !! It was so neat. It was a much needed break from Tennessee. We both missed daddy a lot but he had to stay back to work. You enjoyed the beach so much its making mommy and daddy consider moving there in the future. You loved having Tej to play with too. On the plane ride back you fell asleep and so did Mimi. I was so busy looking out the window I couldn't have fallen asleep !! About a month or so after we got back it was time for Tejs 1st birthday party. Uncle Mikey and aunt Jaya planned a great party at Chuck E Cheese and we all had a BLAST !! Daddy and I had tried taking you there a few months ago and you were not interested in that place at all but that all changed apparently cause you didn't want to leave !!! Its been pretty uneventful since then except for the fact that we finally broke you from your pacifier !!! I was so proud of you !! We knew it was time since you turned 3 but it broke my heart at the same time since it was one of the only things you still had that kept my little baby instead of my big girl toddler. And I am happy to report after what felt like a life time of diapers you have now been peeing in the potty for a week straight and just today a few hours ago you pooped in the potty !!! You put up a ton of resistance about the whole thing at first. Everytime you even got near the potty you started screaming but after a ton of bribing I think we are finally on the path of you being fully potty trained. And since you are being such a big girl mommy and daddy are going and buying you your very own swing set this week !!! Words cannot describe how proud I am of you. But like I have said before every single time you do something that big girls do it breaks my heart a little bit...If I could keep you my little baby forever I think I would. I love all of the fun things we get to do together now and in the future but you are and always will be my sweet little baby. Mommy is also in the process of trying to talk daddy into us having you a little brother or sister. Daddy starts a new job in September so right this second wouldn't be the perfect time but in 3-4 months from now we are going to see where we are and start trying then. I am pretty excited but scared at the same time. I don't ever want you to feel like you aren't enough and thats always been my fear of having another child. You are more than enough and if we decide to never have another child or if my body finally decides to do what the doctors say its going to do then I want you to know you are more than enough. You are the light of my life literally. You will always be the one who introduced me to love at first sight and let me know what absolute true love is. I'll never ever know how to explain to you what you mean to me. I would literally die for you. One day when you have a child of your own you will know the true and unconditional love that I have for you and I am so thankful that God blessed me with you. My sweet little miracle. I will post some pics that I have taken over the last few months for you :)

Love, Mommy

Instead of Dear Kaci this month...

I decided to sit down and write something really personal to us. I took my mother to have an endoscopy done of her throat today(she is okay by the way If you want to know more about that please don't hesitate to ask) But she had the procedure at Vanderbilt in Nashville and while I was waiting for her to come out of the procedure I decided to take a little stroll over to the Childrens Hospital next door where Kaci had her surgery. I got a little emotional to say the least. Walking through the doors really had an impact on me since it had been so long since we had to make that journey up there. I got to thinking that I really hadn't shared the complete story of how we found out that Kaci was going to have to have surgery and since this blog is for Kaci in the future I feel its only right that since we are coming up on her 3rd birthday that I share this on here for her to read in the future so she would know exactly how is happened and what she went through.

Well for those who don't know I had a seemingly routine pregnancy. I was sick a lot of time and I got hypertension there towards the end of the pregnancy but other than those things we had a few scares as far as Kacis health while she was still inside my belly. Now I won't get into all of that here but if you go back and read there is actually a letter to Kaci when we found out she had a white spot on her heart and cyst on her brain at 20 weeks old and they said those were markers for Trisomy 13(which is fatal) or Down Syndrome. Of course we all know she turned out to have neither but looking back it was of course terrifying to think something could be wrong but little did I know that was not the end of our journey with health issues. I had a pretty hard labor it was 23 hours and 1 minute long and oh how I wish I could go back and opt out of the medication they gave me. The whole day was like a haze up until it was time to push then it became a euphoric type of haze the really really good kind that you want more of. Of course its the kind you only think the really good drugs can give you as well but boy was I wrong. Not that I have done a whole bunch of drugs but lets be honest I had an interesting youth lol...but let me tell you having Kaci was the single most amazing feeling on the planet. Nothing tops it. That moment when she came out was like I was floating and when I heard that sweet cry whew I was a gonner. She instantly hooked me and her daddy and to this day she still has us wrapped around her little finger. Now once she was out she scored a 9 out of 10 on her apgar which is great especially since she was 2 weeks early. She was a healthy 7 lbs 0 oz and 19 &3/4 inches long born at 7:01pm on May 1st of 2009. Everything seemed so wonderful at the time I never remember once feeling like something was wrong that first day. She breast fed like a CHAMP was peeing and pooping just fine and wasn't spitting up. The next day the pediatrician came in to see us. Said she looked great but she was looking a little jaundice. He said it was nothing to worry about and if it didn't clear up on its own then there are ways to handle it when the time comes. I had seen many of my friends babies go through jaundice so it wasn't something I was all that concerned about. I remember the nurse telling me this day that Kaci spit up a little bit of blood the night before. Now, I had an interesting feeling my stomach when she told me this. I pressed the nurse for more info and the nurse chalked it up to having swallowed the amniotic fluid in my belly and it may have had some blood in it. At that moment I felt really uneasy about that comment. I had never heard of a 1 day old baby spitting up blood and it being normal. I trusted my nurses and doctors and tried to push the feeling aside because she was doing great. She didn't spit up anymore blood and was doing great and still eating wonderfully. I really enjoyed breast feeding. I know that some people thought it was weird and didn't understand why I went through all the trouble I did when formula is of course the easier option but I just thought nursing was the most natural and healthy thing I could do for my baby and boy did it turn out to REALLY be the best thing for her but more on that in a moment. I had to be hooked up the magnesium for 24 hours after delivery due to my blood pressure so they held me for another 24 hours after that just to observe so we went home on Sunday May 3rd. Boy was that a trip. First of all let me back up by saying that I did not know that I would be having her 2 weeks early. I thought I had at least 2 more weeks to prepare for her arrival so I had no installed the carseat and I had NO clue how to put a car seat in and neither did my husband. When we were leaving the nurse, who was super rude, literally told me I could not have my baby out of her arms until that car seat was in the car properly. Leave it to my good ol mom to save the day of course and she politely snatched my child out of the nurses arms as soon as the car seat was in. That woman was seriously lucky I was so swollen and could barely walk cause I wanted to come across her head numerous times throughout the 3 days we were there. When we got home things were normal. But, something felt wrong. I couldn't shake this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was just not right. I told my mom that night when we got home and she of course said that all new mothers feel like that and I know they do but I always felt like my feeling was a real "something is wrong" feeling. That night is when things started to show. It always struck me as really weird that she was perfectly fine and eating great until the night we got home from the hospital. But anyways she wouldn't really eat much that night. I cried and cried trying to get her to latch on and things were going so perfect nursing before I never imagined she would stop wanting to latch. I tried every position possible and nothing worked. I tried to pump but at that point I wasn't making that much milk so I barely got anything. My mom and Brandon just watched me struggle and cry and just pray that she would latch but she just wouldn't. The next day after a long night of no sleep we had to go back to the doc to get her jaundice levels checked. We got there and the drew her blood off her heel of her foot and man does that break your heart !! She just cried and cried and I cried with her cause I was EMOTIONAL ! Keep in mind I still feel as if something was not right and I voiced my concerns to the pediatrician...his answer you ask?? FORMULA !!! Me being the naive new young mother I was I didn't argue at that point I was willing to try it because I was exhausted and I knew she had to be hungry. Her jaundice levels had went from I believe it was a 7 to a 12. The doctor wasn't too overly concerned but wanted to see her back the next day to check again. That night again she didn't want to drink the formula and she spit up every time she ate. Of course again it was no excuse but being a young mother I listened to people when they said that was normal. And also you know how babies poop is tarry like the first day or so...well Kacis never changed over to the yellow seedy colored poop that breastfed babies get. I again expressed my concerns to the doctor and they just brushed it off to her not eating a whole lot. The next day was hard. The doctor tested her jaundice levels and it had jumped up to almost 20. So he recommended we go and get her admitted back to the hospital so she could be put under the bili bed lights and it would clear it up overnight. Little did I know the case of jaundice she had saved my childs life. When the doc called to tell us that news I was devastated...my feelings of something being wrong felt even more like they were coming true because we had just left the hospital I didn't want to go back...I just always feel like bad things happen at hospitals so I just had a grim outlook. We checked in at MTMC and I got to have one of the parents rooms next to the nursery and I could go in and nurse her and feed her whenever it was time. Of course the nurses wouldn't let me nurse on demand like I wanted they HAD to keep her on a schedule. Here is where things get bad. Later that night on the 5th we went in for a routine feeding. The nurse told me that Kacis abdomen was distended but not to worry she probably just needed to have a good poop. When I attempted to nurse her and she wouldn't latch on the nurse said we had to do formula because the doctor had ordered her to be fed every 2-3 hours so it was very important that she get the formula in her. When Kaci wouldn't take the bottle for me the nurse asked if she could take over...I allowed her but I stayed right next to her. I assumed she knew was she was doing. The next thing I know I am watching her pretty much force a bottle down my childs throat all the while my daughter is screaming her head off(she was in pain due to her stomach but we did not know that at the time) Then it happened. Kaci started coughing and all of the sudden green bile SHOT across the room from my little babies mouth. All the while this HORRID nurse is still shoving the bottle down her throat. I reached over and pulled the bottle out of her hand and said "excuse me is that normal?" That nurse looked at me and said no maam its not a good sign but we will have to see what the doctor says. I inquired about what it could mean and she would give me NO answers. She then wanted to put the bottle back in my childs mouth and I politely DECLINED. We waited all night for word from the doctor. He took a ct scan of her abdomen and we patiently waited for his results. Brandon and I were in the parental unit room when Dr.Little walked in. He had this terrible look on his face and I knew that my gut feeling that something was wrong had been all to right at that moment. He explained that our daughter had something called intestinal malrotation and that essentially her intestines were twisted cutting off blood supply and that she also had 3 blockages in her intestines as well. I think at that moment it all didn't feel real. This just couldn't be happening to us. Things like this is what you see on tv it cannot be happening to my baby. I fell into Brandons arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life and screamed something to the tune of "Why is God punishing us...what did she ever do to deserve anything like this??" Of course looking back I know that God was not punishing us nor our baby but at that moment my whole world had stopped and I felt like I had to blame someone. When Dr. Little then told me that Kaci would have to be transported via the Angel Ambulance to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital to have surgery we were in shock. How did we go from 4 days before that on this amazing cloud with a healthy baby to having a baby that is sick. And he couldn't tell us if she would make it or not. A Ct scan didn't show the extent of the damage whether or not she had half if any of her bowel. From there we walked over to her and held her close for an hour waiting on the Angel Ambulance to come get her. I cried and cried pleading to God to just make this go away make it not be real. Please just take me back to the wonderful haze I was in a few days ago...make this ache in my heart go away. When the ambulance arrived they made us sign some consent forms to transfer her. Up until this point Brandon was relatively quiet. He just kind of stared off into space and I don't think it felt real to him either. He was being so strong for me and for Kaci I had no clue how he was feeling. After we signed the forms we walked in the room to find that they had placed Kaci in an incubator for transfer and she had a million and one wires hooked up to her. They were trying to start an iv in her tiny little arm and thats when it happened...while Kaci was laying there screaming in pain from the needle I looked up at Brandon and I just saw tears streaming down his face...he looked at me in horror and I could tell he was still trying to hold it back. When they wheeled her off we followed her out into the hallway and when she got around the corner from us Brandon fell to his knees in the middle of the hallway of the hospital. He cried and cried and just let it all out and he looked up at me and said " why can't it just be me instead of her?" We stood there for a while I was trying my best to best strong for him in that moment because I knew he had held it together so well for me up until that point I owed it to him to help him through his moment of weakness. When he got done crying he stood up and didn't shed a tear after that. It was like it had been building and he just had to let it out. To this day I haven't shared this moment Brandon had because I know that he feels men aren't supposed to cry but I think back to that moment often remembering the hurt he felt for our daughter and the love he had for her...I fell even more in love with him in that moment just because we are all human. We can only take so much before it breaks us and he broke hard. But he picked himself up and we got in the car and head to vanderbilt childrens. When we got there the doctor explained that she would have to have surgery and how soon we weren't sure. They were shooting for the next day around 2 in the afternoon but if it became an emergent situation they would just take her quickly to the operating room. Of course we signed consent forms for them to do that because they would be responsible for saving my childs life. The doctor recommended we go home and get some rest but we just couldn't leave her that quickly. The NICU was such a depressing place I couldn't imagine her being there in that room all by herself. We stayed till around midnight and finally she was asleep and we went home knowing we would be back there bright and early to await her surgery. My aunt (who is a wonderful Christian woman) was planning to go up there with us to wait out her surgery. The next day we were heading up the hospital it was around 11:30am and while we were on our way I got a phone call...The doc said its become an emergent situation and they were going to wheel her back to surgery before we could even get there to see her once more. A million and one thoughts ran through my head at that moment. What if the night before last was the last night I got to see her alive?? Did she feel loved?? Did she know how much we wanted her and needed her to live?? At this time I won't lie...I was still angry with God. It wasn't moments I am proud of but I am woman enough to admit that I didn't know who to blame and it was so easy to feel like he was punishing me for something. My aunt didn't know I was at a war with myself over those feelings but its like she knew I needed to hear something uplifting. So there in the middle of the car she opened her bible and read me some scripture. Her words were my biggest comfort that day and I don't know if she will ever know just what a blessing she was to me in that time but I will never be able to thank her for just being there to give me the word of God in the moments I needed them the most. When we got there they said they had been back in surgery for about 25 minutes and it could be another couple of hours. We sat and waited ultimately thinking we would be there a long time. Much to our surprise they called our names about 20 minutes later. I was scared. I thought that meant something bad had happened especially since they put us in a room to await the doctor coming in. I thought back to those shows you watch on tv where the doctor has to deliver bad news to the family and I just pictured me being that mom they had to tell had lost her daughter. I know some of this may sound really hard to hear but I am trying my best to be as brutally honest as I can about how I felt. I really thought my child was going to die and I won't lie or sugar coat that one bit. The doctors had told us if they got in there in surgery and realized all her bowel had died there was NOTHING that could be done to save her. Luckily, the doctor did not keep us waiting long. He walked in and I remember him being really hard to get a read on he didn't have much of an expression on his face but when he didn't sit down I had some glimmer of hope that it might have went fine. I had no clue he was about to tell me news that shocked even him. He pretty much said he couldn't believe it but she had not lost one single inch of her bowel. He said he had been doing that surgery many times and he didn't see many cases caught as late as ours was that had the outcome ours did. And boy was she a fighter. He said they thought the surgery would take 3 hours it took him from start to finish 45 minutes. And he expected her to be on the ventilator for 24 hours after surgery and lo and behold when they brought us back to recovery to see that sweet angel she was off the ventilator breathing on her own. It was nothing short of an act of God and I am 100% sure of that. At that moment I could've fallen to my knees with how weak I was...I begged God to forgive me for lashing out at him and I thanked him for continuing to wrap his arms tight around her even in my moment of weakness. I wrote about the next few weeks so I won't get into all that. In the long run I had an amazingly healthy little girl who recovered wonderfully and now at almost 3 years old shows ZERO signs that she went through what she did. She is handful sometimes but I wouldn't have her any other way. She is my hero because in her first 6 days of life she went through more than some people do in a lifetime and she was so strong. I am truly blessed to have this miracle and true gift from God to call my own and I will forever be grateful to him for blessing me with her.

Dear Kaci 33 months.

My sweet baby. I cannot believe you are 3 months away from the big 3 ! It almost seems surreal honestly. You are so independent lately. And I know I say it a lot but it feels like everyday you need me less and less. Its bittersweet as always. You talk up a STORM ! Seriously you are all girl thats for sure because you love to hear yourself talk. And as much as it pains me to say it your new favorite person is daddy. I knew it would happen one day. Most girls are daddys girls. My mom said when I was your age I was attached to my daddy too. Your daddy is an overgrown kid so you guys have an absolute blast together. I love to watch you with him. You still want your mommy when you're sick or hurt or just upset. Which makes me feel good. Its so funny your daddy will be in there playing with you and then he will try to leave the room and you come running after him yelling "No Daddy !!! Come play toys !!!!!!". It seriously cracks me up every time. And your daddy has no problem being your personal toy to beat up on. Last night you were beating him with a plastic golf club and he was acting like it was hurting really bad and you were CRACKING up laughing so hard !! It was awesome. Its moments like this that I want you to remember. And its moments like this when I realize I will never get this time back. Time moves faster and faster and I feel like there isn't enough of it. I want you to have only happy memories of this time in your life. Sometimes, I try to remember my childhood and I can only remember the bad times. I don't want it to be like that for you. It WON'T be like that for you. Things have been rough lately. Mommy hasn't been working the past month and its taken a toll on mommy and daddys stress levels. But, mommy starts her new job on Monday so things will get better. As long as you are taken care of mommy and daddy will always be okay. You are our number one priority. But I think sometimes we forget to take the time out to be husband and wife instead of mommy and daddy 24/7. But, I love being your mommy. Its the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole world. You know that though. We have been really working on us lately but including you in it because we just don't want it to be 2 separate things. We want to be mommy and daddy AND husband and wife and sometimes it feels like we have to choose but we would never. You come first always. We love you so much. Your daddy is a wonderful man and father and I really feel blessed to have found him in this world full of losers and dead beat dads. One day you will understand what I mean...but I hope you never have to feel the heartache I went through before I found your daddy. Now I am just rambling on and on as usual and you won't read this for years and all of this will be a distant memory but I am just so thankful to write to you and know that one day you can look back and see everything that happened in your life as it happened. Its so exciting to think of you reading these letters one day. I'll probably never stop writing to you. It helps me to express my love for you since right now you are only 2 and don't quite understand what I mean when I tell you "You are my everything." One day you will have kids of your own and you will know this love I feel for you. I never questioned my moms love for me but when I had you...I had this whole new respect and appreciation for her love and her sacrifices and just how hard she worked to make sure I had the best life possible. I could never repay her. I love you more than life itself . I cannot believe we are a few months away from you being 3. Happy 33 months of life Kaci Jade. Best 1004 days of my life !