Dear Kaci 21 and 22 months

I am so sorry my baby that I forgot to write your 21 month letter. Things have been so hectic around here that mommy just had a brain fart. I hope you will forgive me. Mommy is so proud of you. You are learning how to talk to much more now. Just this past month I have started to really be able to understand what you are trying to tell me and I love it. When you want something you point to it and say "I want" and if I pick up the wrong thing I get a big "NOOOOOO". I know I am not supposed to laugh when you say no but gosh it is so cute I can't help myself. The terrible twos aren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. You throw a temper tantrum every now and then but nothing that I can't handle. You are seriously so well behaved I feel blessed. I mean don't get me wrong you have your moments thats for sure but for the most part I have no complaints. You are spoiled rotten. But hey I wouldn't have you any other way. We recently got you a new bedroom suit and you LOVE IT !! Its got a big girl bed instead of that small toddler bed that you couldn't move around in. And your MiMi got you a flat screen tv instead of that old thing you had in there before. I feel so blessed to have your MiMi here and I know you love it too...Anytime I don't give you your way you start yelling for MiMi but she loves it and I really don't mind. We recently had your Uncle Mikey and Aunt Jayas baby shower here at our house and you were so well behaved. You followed Uncle Mikey around pretty much the whole time and when he left you were walking around the house for days saying "Mikey?? Mikey??" It was so precious. You really do love him and I am so glad cause he loves you so so much. Your baby dedication was a few weeks ago and you were on your best behavior there as well. You looked so beautiful in your little pink dress and when they were singing you got up and started dancing. It was awesome. I can't think of a better way to give you back to God. Since you really belong to him he just loaned you to me :). And I am so blessed that he chose me to be your mother. I couldn't have hand picked a more perfect child even if I had had the chance. You are everything I ever wanted and more. I feel so lucky lately. Things are falling into place. Daddy and I have been doing amazing lately I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. I start school March 8th and I am very excited to better myself not only for me but for you and your daddy as well. Your MiMi gets to go back to work. I just love life...I couldn't ask for a more fulfilling life than the one I have and I know that I owe it all to God. We have been going to church and I just love knowing that you are going to be brought up knowing God. I know I am jumping from one subject to the next but the point is I love you more than anything baby and I cannot believe you are 22 months old. in just 2 short months you will be 2 years old and I don't even know how to comprehend that. You are growing up way to fast for me and while I love it and I also don't because you are slowly becoming your own little person who doesn't need mommy as much. But we won't get into all that. I love you baby and heres to another amazing month being in your presence.

Miserable People...

Things lately have been looking up. I feel like I have been so much happier lately than I have been the past few months. I had just been a in a funk and I finally found my way out. This week has been exceptionally great because we found out my mom gets to go back to work :) she gets to keep her insurance so when and IF she needs the transplant she has the coverage for it! On top of that we have been going to church the past few weeks...I honestly think that is what I needed to pull myself out of the funk. We are having Kaci dedicated to God on the 20th at our new church and I just cannot WAIT to witness it! Also financially speaking we are doing great ! Bills caught up and actually ahead on most of them...it feels good to be stable again. And my marriage...has been wonderful. We are working together to build our relationship into a stronger one and its working really well for us.

But, there are some miserable people out there who just can't seem to be happy for me. They feel its their place obviously to bring me down. And not DIRECTLY saying they are trying to do it I guess they think makes it less obvious to me but I am not dumb. I don't understand why people can't just not say anything at all if they have nothing nice to say. It's really actually humorous to me that these people are THAT miserable in their own lives that they have to TRY to bring me down. But, sadly their attempts at trying to make me as miserable as they are have failed. I am happy and for once I refuse to apologize for being happy. I have no reason to lie or put on a front about it...I AM HAPPY and it burns you and you know what? I don't care because I will continue to be exactly what I am. Life is to short for me to sit back and worry about what you feel or how you feel about me...I am tired of worrying about what I am gonna say and wondering if its going to upset someone if I say the wrong thing. I am tired of letting others push me around...its went on WAY to long. I am ready to be happy 24/7 and if that means pushing the negative and miserable people out of my life then so be it. I refuse to be anyones doormat. I just can't stand miserable people...Live your own life and STOP worrying about mine. Kay thanks bye !

My mother, My hero...

There are just no words to describe my mother. Anyone who meets her will tell you that she is the craziest person they have ever met but in a REALLY good way. She is the funniest mom anyone could ask for. Not a day goes by that she doesn't find some way to make me laugh and put a smile on my face. While being funny and outgoing are great qualities in a mom...trust me she has so many more...She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She NEVER thinks about herself. EVER !! When she gets any amount of money she NEVER wants to spend it on herself...she wants to buy everyone else things they want. She is always thinking of others. I just can't imagine my life without her.

I don't show my appreciation enough to my mom for being the most amazing mother on this planet...and I should because she won't be around forever. Honestly, we didn't think she would be here now. With doctors looking at you and telling you that your mother would never see you graduate,get married, or have children...you tend to lose a whole lot of enjoyment in life. From the moment those doctors told me that...I have not wanted to be without my mom. I get nervous when she is away from me for more than a day. I just don't ever want to lose her. And every single day since that doctor said that I have thought..."what if this is the day?" and I don't ever want it to be that day. I want her here forever. I want her here everyday to watch Kaci grow up and make her a great grandmother someday...I want so badly to know that she is going to get a transplant for sure and that things are going to work out perfectly but I just don't...I don't know what the future holds and honestly that terrifies me. I know I have to put it in Gods hands and I did but she just means so much to me. But this post isn't supposed to be talking about her dying. I just needed to show my appreciation and love to my mother. Getting to spend the day with her today ALL day has just made it the best day I have had in such a long time. I love you so much mom...you are my best friend...no matter how much we argue and disagree I will always love you so much and you will always be my best friend and my hero just like you always have been. I am just so thankful that God blessed me with you as my mom because nobody else would have done such an amazing job. Thank you for always being you mom.

I have so much to say...

At the same time though I really feel like I have ONE thing to say. I am a good mother. I don't know where anyone got the impression that I am not but I assure you...you were misinformed. Finding out that some people assume that my mom takes care of my child for me was a real slap in the face especially when me,my mom,Brandon, and ANYONE else who has ever been around me knows the truth. Anytime you see me...you see Kaci. She is with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I wouldn't have it any other way. When Kaci was about 0-3 months old my mom helped me...SHE DID NOT DO IT FOR ME she HELPED me because I was a new mother and I was overwhelmed with my daughter having surgery and my husband being out of town...But like I said over and over again she HELPED me...there is a huge difference between doing it for me and helping me...and my mother will vouch for me on this...I take care of my daughter I have since the moment she was born and I will keep taking care of her until the day I die. I don't mean to be rude or sound like I am jumping anyone because I'm not...this post IS NOT directed towards just one person in particular I have had at least 2 people in the past few months accuse me of not being a mother. This is just a touchy subject to me. Because, well...I don't feel like I have ever really done ANYTHING right in my life...except Kaci. I feel like I pretty much failed in ever other aspect of my life except being a mother to her. It is the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my entire reason for existence. I get up with her throughout the night if she needs me. I get up in the morning with her and we eat breakfast together. We play after that. Then she takes a nap and I clean usually. When she gets up from her nap we play some more or go run errands. And then at night I feed her dinner give her a bath and put her to bed...before she turned 15 months old I rocked her to sleep EVERYNIGHT. I would do anything for that little girl...I would die for her in an instant...If all those things mean that I do not take care of my daughter then I think you have some learning to do. My mom does not help me anymore. My mom lives with me so that we can help each other out FINANCIALLY. She does not clean my house for me nor does she take care of my daughter. Yes, sometimes if I get done drinking out of a glass and i sit it on the table and I haven't taken it to the kitchen yet she will take it for me but not because she thinks I wont do it...because she has the motherly instinct...just like I do with my child. I am so over having to defend myself because people think its their place in life to tell me what I do and don't do with MY child. I am a fantastic mother. If I did everything else in my life wrong I know that Kaci is the one thing that I did right. I guess I just get bothered by people who know zero about my life but feel its their right to state their opinion. Especially when their opinion could not be more wrong. I love you Kaci Jade.

Just amazed...

My heart is overflowing right now. And honestly, this situation has NOTHING at all to do with me but seriously I am just amazed at how there are still good people in this world. I don't know if anyone reads This blog but her name is Kelle Hampton. She has 2 beautiful daughters, one of which was born with Down Syndrome...and the thing is she didn't know that her babygirl had this until she came out and she took one look at her. If you haven't read Nellas birth story Click here you owe it to yourself to read this story...I have read it 50 times probably and I cry every time because it is just a beautiful and amazing story of love and heartache. The reason I am writing this is because sweet little Nella is turning ONE in just a few days and for her first birthday her mother is having a fundraiser called Nella's ONEder Fund...she initially started out trying to raise 15,000 and suddenly people just started donating and then it went from 15 to 30,000 now it is at 76,000...I had no clue that people were so quick to donate...but I am so thankful for people like that. No, I don't have a child with down syndrome and I wont pretend I know what its like but gosh I have just fallen in love with this little girl Nella. She has really touched my heart. I look forward to her mothers new posts just because I love seeing her smiling face...honestly she is BEAUTIFUL ! You just can't help it...if you read that blog and see her face you will fall in love too. Even if you only donate 5 dollars every little bit count and all the money goes toward the National Down Syndrome Society ! Please help them reach their goal and give Nella the best birthday gift ever !!!! Her mother posted a video and I have to share it with you the post is HERE. I don't know what compelled me to post this but I just needed to. This little girl is awesome and so are all the children with down syndrome...and they need to be reminded of just how amazing they are. Please help...

Brittany

Dear Kaci...

I can't believe you are 20 months old already. In just 4 months you will be 2 and that is such a hard thing for me to even say. I never in a million years imagined that by the time I was 22 I would have a 2 year old but you know what baby?? I wouldn't have it any other way. You are just so amazing. Here lately I will admit you are showing signs of the "terrible twos" but honestly its nothing compared to some kids I have seen...I knew the day would come where you would begin to start testing me so I had prepared myself and honestly you listen pretty well so I don't think its going to be that bad...Don't quote me on that though cause you just never know right? You are walking so much more lately. I can make out lots of words and pretty much tell what you are trying to say most of the time. You point and tell me when you want something. It definitely makes things easier. You had a WONDERFUL Christmas. You are so spoiled but I don't even care...I wouldn't have you any other way. You got Jojo the rabbit...he came with a carrot and you have to hide with the carrot and he will find you. You don't quite get the hiding factor yet but you do have lots of fun making him follow you around lol. You got a new baby doll and you named her Abby and you got baby furniture to play with her in. You also got The Weebles treehouse. They are these really neat figurines that wobble around but don't topple over. Its so cute you love to make them slide down their slide and you always say "WEEEEEE" as they slide down. Its precious. You also got a doggy from you nana and papa that follows you around when you carry his bone. And your Grandpa got you a Dora play house !! That was by far one of your favorite toys of all time. You wouldn't even let us wait to get home to open it up to play with it you had to play with it the second you got it !! Grandpa was so happy that you loved his present I swear he loves you so much its so nice to see him with you. And you also got a play kitchen !!! Mimi of course got you that and boy do you love it ! You are so funny watching you shoving everything in your play microwave and oven I love watching you play you do the funniest things sometimes ! You got more things but those are the big ones. You also got very sick about a week ago. Right after Christmas you just started acting like you weren't feeling well then you started running a fever so I knew it was time to take you to the doctor and sure enough you had the flu and a double ear infection. I hated seeing you that sick baby. You wanted to do nothing but lay in my arms and watch tv. Most of the time you didn't even watch tv you just fell asleep. You wanted to sleep all the time and I couldn't get you to eat much except popsicles and some yogurt. Thankfully it only lasted a few days and you started feeling somewhat better. You are better now but you still haven't fully gotten your appetite back. I am just thankful to see you playing again. I haven't seen you that sick before I felt so helpless. I just begged God to just make me sick and take it off you...I would be sick for a whole year if it meant you wouldn't get sick at all. But, you are better now and you will get sick again someday...I just hope its not anytime soon I just want you healthy. I love you so much. I wish that I could express how much I love you in words but it's just impossible. I have never felt that I would truly die for someone except God...and then I met your daddy and you...and let me just tell you my angel I would die for you and him in a heartbeat. Whatever it took to make sure you and him were safe and healthy...on a list of what is important to me I can honestly say that myself is at the bottom of the list. You and your daddy are so important to me and I feel so blessed to have you. Well my darling you keep coming in here and trying to get me to go to your room with you to play so I better get in there before you get mad at me :) I love you my angel...you are growing up to fast !




-mommy

525,600 minutes...

How can I even begin to describe how 2010 has changed me...It definitely didn't throw me the changes that 2009 did but it definitely brought challenges with it. I have had my fair share of heartache this year. Everyday I feel a little twinge in my stomach knowing that my babygirl is one day older. One day closer to not needing me anymore. But right now I am savoring it. I feel like I talk about that a lot here but thats what I have to do. I have to savor each and every moment. I really hope I can make 2011 a better year. I'm not going to sit here and boast about how awesome its going to be and how I am going to make it my year and blah blah blah cause honestly who wants to hear that? My plan is to make it a good year. To lose the weight that I need to lose to feel better about myself...but like I said who knows how the year will play out. I am confident in the fact that I know one thing will stay constant....my family. They are my main focus now. No more worrying about friends who don't seem to care about me like I care about them. No more trying to please people who obviously care ZERO about pleasing me. My husband and daughter and family are the only ones who matter anymore. I am also planning to start "The love dare" again and follow through with it. I quit on day 14 last time and I refuse to quit again until I finish it. I also have started taking Acai Berry pills to lose some weight. I love the fact that they are all natural and are so good for you on top of speeding up your metabolism and burns belly fat and curves your appetite. So long baby fat I am going to look good again. I can't be uncomfortable in my own skin any longer. I am really trying to lose weight the healthy way... I can't live the unhealthy way anymore either. I just want to make this year special. I just know we aren't promised tomorrow...and I want to spend this year with the ones that matter the most to me. Each and every second is precious especially with them. I was blessed with this amazing husband and I feel like I have been putting friendships before him. My daughter has always been number one but my marriage needs some attention as well. Of course she is still my number one but marriage is right next to her. Life is just so wonderful with them...I can't thank God enough for blessing me with this amazing family. Life is so good...