Walking. Falling. Walking some more...

It's happened. My child is trying to walk. I think I prayed for this day for forever and now that it is here I am not sure how I feel about it. When she tries to walk and takes a few steps she looks so..."grown up" I realize that she is only 15 months old but she just doesn't look like my itty bitty baby anymore she is my very tall very beautiful very AMAZING toddler. Toddler....ugh that word. She isn't my baby !!! She is in her own room she is in a toddler bed. She doesn't even need me to entertain her anymore she prefers to go to her room and play and watch barney until naptime. This is a very bittersweet time. Yes I love the age she is at she is bunches of fun and gosh I just love when she does new things but when did she get so big? When did she go from that little blob that only woke up to eat and poop to walking and talking and not needing me for very much anymore...I know why people have more than one kid now. You get the itching to be needed again. When she goes to school I know thats when we will finally have another one. Until then I really don't think we will be ready at all. And I am totally fine with that cause lets face it I am not the happiest pregnant person in the world lol. And Kaci is more than enough right now. But, I can understand why people get the feeling of not being needed anymore and thinking well then I'll just have another one.

So I went to the doc the other day (I have a bladder infection btw) and Kaci came along as always because she LOVES going anywhere with me. Well she was standing up in the waiting area holding onto the WOODEN chairs walking and she was going to transition from this one wooden chair to the other but she was gonna have to let go and walk to the other one not holding onto anything. It was literally 2-3 steps max she was gonna have to take. Well I was watching her and sure enough she went for it and everything looked good until she leaned forward to reach for the chair and she leaned to early and face plants right into the wooden chair. My Lord I have never heard her scream so loud. I am sure everyone in that waiting are thought I was a terrible parent. I held her and comforted her and told her it was okay and I have to admit I cried right along with her. She eventually stopped screaming enough for me to look at it. She had busted her top lip and her nose was bleeding on both sides. I just knew her nose was broken I kept asking the doctor if I would know and begging her to look and she kept saying she couldnt see anyone under 2 but put my mind at ease and said if her nose was broken it would swell immediately. And of course every nurse that came in after her I asked and they said the same thing and one even touched her nose and wiggled it around and poked it and Kaci just laughed so we are sure its not broken. I felt like a bad mommy for a while I will admit it. I couldn't believe I had let her fall. I feel like she is always getting hurt on my watch ya know? I mean she fell out of her bouncer at 3 months old while with me. She crawled off the bed about a month ago when she woke up from a nap and I had the baby monitor on she usually makes some kind of noise so I hear her and of course that day all I heard was CRASH...WAAAAHHHH. And then now she plants her face into this wooden chair while with me. I seriously felt awful. Of course my other mommys quickly put my mind at ease and said that it happens all the time to mothers and well in all honesty it makes sense she would do all that on my watch cause she is with me all the time.

I am just blessed that she is okay. I dunno what I would do if something ever happened to her. I assumed since she fell while trying to walk this would make her scared to do it again. Well, I was wrong. She got right back up about 30 minutes afterwards and was trying again.

She is so awesome. I am so blessed to have her as my daughter. I love you Kaci Jade.

Mommy

Dear Kaci,

Since mommy can't sleep I figured HEY it's the first and you are 15 months old today lets write your letter since you are on my mind. But lets face it...you never leave my mind. 2:30 in the morning and I am laying here thinking of you. I can't believe 15 months have already went by. I was just telling your aunt Jessica last night that I feel like I gave birth last week. It definitely doesn't feel like it's been 15 months. You grow more and more each day. I honestly can't keep up. You do new things all the time and you just amaze me. You love to say mama as always. MiMi is of course your second favorite word. The last few weeks mommy had surgery so you have spent alot of your time with daddy and mimi cause mommy just couldn't get out of bed or lift you. Trust me it broke my heart. Of course they brought you in here to see me constantly and it's like you knew I was in pain because you crawled up to me on the bed and gave me a big kiss without me even having to ask for it. Talk about making someones night huh? That made me feel better. You would just come and lay your head on me and be such a sweetheart. Your so wonderful. Mama and Mimi bought you a big girl potty tonight. Not saying you are going to be full blown potty training but we are gonna work on it. I am hoping to put you on it while I use the potty and hoping we see some results and maybe by the time you're 2 you will be my potty trained princess but ya know what even if you are still in diapers then it won't matter you will still be my wittle princess. You and me and Mimi went out to eat last night. Lets just say you were the center of attention. 3 tables around us were all eyes on you. And you put on such a good show for them. You just talked to them and waved and did "TOUCHDOWN" and wanted everyone to clap for you every time you did something. That is you favorite thing is people clapping for you. And if someone isn't clapping you look at them until they do. It's so precious. You are my little star already. Well my darling right now mommy really needs to get to bed so that I can get up bright and early and play with you. I love you so much my big girl...gosh 15 months already. You gotta slow down with the growing my little bunny...time is just going to fast for mommy. Goodnight my angel I can't wait to open my eyes and hear the sweet sounds of you waking up in the morning.






Mommy

What we see in our children...

When you look into the eyes of that amazing human being you created what is it that you see?



I can honestly say I see perfection. I know that nobody is perfect except God of course but she is so close is pathetic. Kaci is this incredible ball of awesomeness. When she looks at me...I see so much love in her eyes. When she crawls over to me and says "Mama" I can really feel that this little person loves me unconditionally. No matter what I have done in the past she doesn't care...I am her hero. I am her rock. I am her sole source of love and affection. Yes, others can love her. Other can hold her. Others can say that they love her just as much as I do. But, forgive me you are wrong. This child is my world. You may come close to loving her that way but nothing can touch this love. The love a mother has for their child is amazing. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test it was over. I felt love from that moment on. When I saw her heart beating away on the ultrasound and saw her little body shaped into the formation of a seahorse...I realized that my heart was no longer my own. When I knew I was going in to be induced and I would soon meet this amazing being that I had created and nourished in my body for 9 months I was overjoyed. Flooded with mixed emotions of whether or not I was ready. Would I feel that instant connection all mothers speak of when they see their baby for the first time? Yes, times a million. When they placed my child on my stomach at that moment my heart could have exploded because of the amount of love I felt. Tears rolling down my face and staring at this beautiful baby covered in God only knows what...I was completely and utterly in LOVE. Her cry, her eyes, her lips, her nose, her feet, her hands, her belly button, and yes even her poopy diapers...I love everything about her. It is something that if you are a mother you know exactly what I am talking about...its something so indescribable. I really cannot put into words the love I have for Kaci. She saved me. In more ways that one. She is my light...my hope...she shows me that there is still such beauty in this ugly world we are living in. She showed me that no matter how rocky the road was before her...the road from there on out would be paved with this beautiful little girl to brighten up even the most horrific of days. And yes her whole first month of life...my daughter showed me what true strength was. She fought. She fought hard. And she won. I don't feel like I should be her hero at all...She is mine. She is my angel. My amazing little miracle. My reason for waking up in the morning. My entire reason for existence. My Opie. My turtle. My panda. My love. My Kaci Jade.

(Just for the record those are all nicknames that I gave to Kaci while I was pregnant and after I had her.)



Me.

Remembering...

Watching the show NICU on discovery health got me really emotional tonight. That is a place that I honestly don't ever want to be again.
I never got the chance to tell the full story of my experience at the NICU so I will take the opportunity.
My daughter was born May 1,2009 as all of you know. She was so perfect. We brought her home 2 days later and everything seemed fine. But, the day we got home she would not latch on to me anymore. She was a breastfeeding champ at the hospital but as soon as I tried at home she wouldn't latch. I automatically started telling my mother and Brandon that something is not right. But, everyone kept telling me that these things happen so I just kept trying. a few more days went by and things got worse. We had to start formula and she was spitting up constantly. We were also having issues because she had jaundice. So I kept taking her to her pediatrician everyday to get her levels tested. All the while I still felt as if something just wasn't right. Then when she was 4 days old her jaundice level jumped to 20 and they needed to readmit her to the hospital to be put under the bili bed overnight to get her levels down. Well we settled into our hospital room and put Kaci into the bili bed. My room was right next to the nursery so I was pumping her bottles to feed her through the night. She needed 2 ounces every 3 hours. Around 2 a.m. I wasnt getting any milk while pumping around that time so I had to break down and give her 2 ounces of formula at that feeding because the nurse insisted that she needed it. Well, that is when it happened. Things went from ok to awful. The nurse began to force the bottle of formula down my childs throat because Kaci did not want to eat. I kept telling the nurse that she hasn't wanted to eat in days and the nurse kept forcing it down her. Then Kaci vommitted green mucous and I knew that wasn't good. I asked the nurse if that was normal and she looked at me and said its not a good sign. But continued to force the bottle down her throat as she is puking up mucous at the same time. I would love to get my hands on that nurse still today !
Onto the rest of the story. The next morning Kaci's pediatrician came in on his day off to order the xray that showed what we all we dreading to see. Her intestines were flipped cutting off blood supply. She would have to be rushed to Vanderbilt Childrens hospital where she was to have surgery within that week. She rode in an ambulance the 45 minute drive as we drove behind them. I sobbed the whole way. I remember that whole day as being a complete crying fest. Brandon would just hold me and try to stay strong for me but when they put her in the incubator and he saw her tiny fragile little body being poked with needles and her crying and screaming...it became to much for him and he broke down. To this day i remember him looking at me in the hallway of the hospital holding an empty carseat and asking me why...why our daughter? I wish I knew that answer.
When we got to VCH she was place in the NICU where the doctors came in and we were told her surgery would be within a few days. We felt positive when we left.
Then they called the next morning saying her surgery would have to be moved to that day because it was more twisted than they orignally thought it was. So we rushed the hospital and they told us the surgery would take up to 2 to 3 hours and they started when we were leaving our house. When we got there we sat in the waiting room for literally all fo 15 minutes and they came out and put us in the room to tell us how it went and I just remember the docs first words were "Everything looks great" The surgery took 30 minutes and they thought she would be on the ventilator to help her breathe afterwards but no my child didn't need that at all.
For 3 weeks she laid in the NICU. She wasn't able to eat for the first 2 because they were having to pull green bile and mucous out of her belly where it had sat in there. Then it finally turned clear and we were able to feed her. It was the best feeling in the world. Those 3 weeks without her were the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. We felt so empty. We left the hospital each day with an empty carseat in the back seat. We had an empty bassinet sitting next to our bed. And we had empty arms that longed to hold her everynight before bed...but thats just not the way it worked out. I am so thankful to the NICU team at Vanderbilt. Those nurses treated my child like she was their own. I remember one nurse I loved the most she would sing to Kaci and rock her when I wasn't there to do so. It was amazing. They saved my daughters life and I am forever grateful for them. I still to this day donate money to that hospital because of all that they did for my baby.






so thats the story. Sorry if it bored you but I always wanted to post it in this for Kaci to read later.

Brittany

Lucky...

Here lately I look around me and gosh...I am so lucky. I don't mean to write this and rub it in anyones faces that is not my intention but I just have to write about life as of now and that is exactly how I feel.
I am a mother to an AMAZING 14 month old. Kaci is just wonderful. She grows everyday and learns new things constantly its hard for me to keep up. She recently learned "NO" and shakes her head no when I say it to her. How can I stay mad at what she was doing when she does that? She points ALOT now !! And talks up a storm. She is finally sleeping through the night again. I took out her tinkerbell light which was as bright as a lamp and put in a very dim night light and she has slept through the night since. She doesn't like to have much light at all when she is sleeping. I couldn't sleep with the tv on when she slept in my room even if it was all the way down she would wake up. But, if there is NO light she freaks out. So we had to find a happy medium and I believe we did. Lets keep our fingers crossed cause let me tell you I am enjoying 10 hours of sleep !! I love her to pieces she is the highlight of my day !!






My husband and I recently had it out. I feel like we hit a huge bump in our marriage but I honestly knew it was coming. We just were not intimate anymore...and by that I do not mean sex...I mean emotionally if that makes any sense.I felt completely alone even when he was in the room with me I was lonely. I felt like he was in another world always and never cared about me and how I felt. All the romance had ran right out the window. I know after you get married things fizzle out I am very aware but gosh we gotta keep something alive or what is the point? We have to rekindle some kind of spark that we used to have or we will forget why we fell in love in the first place. I know before a few days ago I was never reminded of the reasons I fell in love with him. So, we had it out. We fought. I was ready to leave then I had my best friend come over and calm me down and she got me calm enough for me to start thinking. I thought about the first moment I saw him. That smile. I remember running to my mom to tell her how gorgeous my new manager was !! I remember the day I stole his number off a work order and started texting him. I remember our very first date...Scarface and zaxbys...and the best end to the night...he was a perfect gentleman and kissed me. And let me tell you when I remember that kiss I remember what I felt at that moment. Although I was sitting down my knees went weak. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I never wanted it to end. And I was in love. That very night I knew that he was the one. the one God put on this earth to be mine forever. I know it sounds crazy but that is the honest truth...I was his that night forever and he knew it too. We fell fast and hard and it was the best feeling in the world. I wouldn't change it at all. Then I remembered our wedding day. I was so nervous. But it was amazing. To walk down that aisle and know I was making the right decision...knowing wholeheartedly that i wanted him forever. And that smile on his face when he saw me was wonderful. Then I remember the best day of our lives. The day we welcomed our daughter into this world. He sat by my side for 23 hours. When I wanted to give up he whispered in my ear that I could do this. And when she came out and they placed her on my chest and he took one look at her and started crying and he leaned down and whispered in my ear that she was perfect and that I did the most amazing job ever and that he loved me so much...and then he thanked me. At the time I didnt even realize it but he thanked me for birthing his child lol. It was my honor to have our child. And what a child. He recently told me why he thanked me though. He said he watched me for through pure hell for 9 months straight to bring that baby into this world. He said he never knew anyone so strong. And that made me melt. I remember all these things and I know why I am in love with him...I think its good to remind our selves because you do get caught up in this crazy life we live that we don't take enough time for each other. I don't know how many fights we will have in the future... but I do know this...No matter how many fights we have I am here forever. We may feel so much rage at times for each other but he will always be my forever love. We will always be together. I will always love him so very much. He will always be my hubby bunny...but most of all he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND!


Yes...I am so lucky...

Brittany

Flash Me Friday !

Jen started something called "Flash me Friday" and my friend Jessica talked me into doing this. This time we are taking pictures of our kitchens. I suppose it's a chance to get a peek inside the houses of others...I doubt anyone wants to get into this house lol clutter clutter to much stuff and not enough space for it...we need a bigger house already so please try to not look at the mess.

14 Months...

Dear Kaci,
Another month gone and you're another month older. I feel like I say this constantly but where did time go? The painful realization that you are growing up kills me but what a joy it is to watch you and to have the privilege to watch you my baby. A week ago I read a mothers blog...a week ago she lost her son. Her 7 year old son lost his fight to cystic fibrosis. It really made me realize how precious time is. How I just want to grab every moment and hold onto it because you just can't get it back. Once it's gone it's gone. As I am sitting here watching you dance and watch barney I am overwhelmed by sadness for that mother...She can no longer look at her son and watch him dance and watch his favorite shows. He is with God now...and finally breathing with ease. We all complain about things in our day to day lives that we probably shouldn't. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed I just want to be lazy...there are days where I want to pull my hair out by the end of the day because I am so tired and so done with saying "NO" and "Don't touch that" all day long. But, I want to stop this. Yes, my darling you are a handful. You are a little ball of energy and you are just simply a mess...but you are my mess...the best kind of mess there could ever be. Next time I feel a moment of me losing my patience I want to sit and breath and remember that there are mothers out there who would give anything to have one more day to tell their children "NO" and "Don't touch that" again. I can never imagine these mothers pain...and I don't wish to. I hope I never have to know that pain and would never wish it on anyone.
My sweet angel I love you so much...and I want to enjoy every second I have with you because time is flying by and before I know it you're going to be going to school, then starting high school, then graduating, then getting married, then making me a grandma...it seems to far off...but so close. Don't grow up to fast my love. Stay my baby forever.
Mommy