New beginnings ?

My husband and I had a huge fight over the past few days....in matter of 3 days we went from happily married to seperated and talking about divorce. I hate it. I really do. I thought for the longest time that I as unhappy with him. I even talked to an ex boyfriend who actually tried to get me to leave brandon for him...and I think I actually thought about it.
But then last night happened. We fought,we argued, we cried, and we made up. Just those few days without him laying next to me in the bed...killed me. Granted he was int he living room he wasnt in my arms...where he belongs. I'm slowly realizing its not him im unhappy with...its myself...and my problems. Him and Kaci are the only 2 good things I have going for me right now. I need him. It's not a fact of wanting him anymore I realized last night I need him. He is the other half of my heart...he is my smile...my laugh...my love.
Without him I am only half a person. I know it sounds stupid and cliche' but thats how I feel...I feel like if there is such a thing as a soulmate he is mine. He was put on this earth and made by God especially for me. And all the other losers before him were just good place holders until the real thing showed up and swept me off my feet.
And then he gave me the other piece of my heart. The part that walks outside my body...well she doesnt walk yet....but she rolls outside my body right now. She smiles and laughs and says "mama" and she is the reason I wake up in the mornings. She is my entire reason for existence. When I hold her in my arms and she looks into my eyes I know there is a God...there has to be to have created something so perfect and gave it me. I believed in love at first sight as soon and she came into my life. Out of each and every one of my imperfections I created perfection. I love her...with my whole heart and soul.
Brittany<3

I'm not ready for this ....

My mom sat me down to talk today about what to do once she dies. She doesn't want to be cremated. She also told me that before she dies she is going to get very sick. Probably so sick that she doesn't want me to see her. So she says she is going to go live in Smyrna with my aunt so she can take care of her till she goes.
I'm not ready for this. I am 20 years old I am not ready to lose her. I don't want to do this. I can't do this I am not strong enough to do this. I have been breaking down ever since she talked to me about it. I AM NOT READY !!!
It's not fair.
I can't do this.
Please God...Someone...help me.
I am losing it.
Brittany<3

Sooner or later...

I knew that I would get tired of it. I knew that I would eventually let people run over me one to many times and I would snap...Now is the time. I will not go into details but my "best friend" does this to me all the time and then apologizes a few days later and thinks that makes up for treating me like crap. I am done now. She has her issues and claims I wasnt there for her but I have issues of my own. I had a daughter running a fever all day and my mom couldnt get out of bed today due to her gallbladder hurting her like crazy. I begged her to go to the hospital and she wouldn't. Well in the midst of all this I forgot to call Chloe. Ya know I have other things on my mind as well and calling her was not at the top of the list. I am tired of it. I hate this...
To top it off my dad is back in jail...awesome.
FML

Oh gosh...

My child got her shots yesterday and she was so cranky. She woke up this morning with a slight fever so its been a hectic 2 days. Along with that ... My cousin Ashley who I coach cheerleading with said some very hurtful things to me cause I couldnt come to the game cause Kaci was riunning a fever and just wanted to be held BY ME ! nobody else could calm her down. She called me basically a bad mother and that I was just looking for an excuse to get out of the game. Need I remind you that she didnt come to the game last week because she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend and she wasnt gonna come this weekend because she was going to Kentucky Kingdom. After she borrowed 20 dollars from me cause she didnt have any money to last her till she got paid again but she has ennough to pay for gas to go to kentucky and stuff...I dont get it. So I am thinking I will probably go to practice monday and tell the girls bye myself and then leave...cause I can't go on like that with her treating me like crap because my child isn't feeling well. Kaci comes first PLAIN AND SIMPLE she doesnt understand cause she doesnt have a child.
So thats pretty much ruined my entire weekend. To top all the off my ovary hurts still. So I am just not having a good day today.
Please jsut pray I find the strength to get through all this.
Brittany<3

A is for Active and B is for Bunny...

My friend Jessica saw this on Mamabears blog and has started doing this with her. I think it is a wonderful thing and just another way to keep up a sort of scrap book for my amazing baby. We will be working our way through the alphabet. Last week they started A and I missed that and this week is B so I am just combining them.



So here we go. A is for Active.
My little angel has been so crazy lately. I remember just yesterday when she was a few weeks old and she just slept and ate and pooped and peed. That was it. Nowadays we take 1 3 hours nap in the middle of the day and two 30 minute naps and thats it...the rest of the day she is awake. We play and she giggles and jumps in her jumperoo as you saw in my post with the video. I can't believe she is 4 months old. Tomorrow is her 4 month appointment. She was originally supposed to be getting 5 shots but thanks to my wonderful best friend Jess she will only be getting 2. The DTaP and Hep B. The other will be given at later dates. She WILL BE getting every vaccine they will just be spaced out to 2 shots every 2 months. Except the rotavirus which I have read causes intestines to rotate and we all know I have ever reason to be a little leary about this.



And now B is for Bunny.
Why bunny? You might ask...well here goes. Brandon and I have called each other bunnies since we got together.. I have no clue where it came from or why its so special to us but thats what we call each other in the place of baby lol. Well when we had Kaci she became our baby bunny. And thats one of her nicknames now. Its just something special between us.

I'll learn how to make the pictures from Jess tomorrow hopefully.
Hope ya'll enjoy.
Brittany<3

I'm never good enough...

I feel this way. It hurts alot. In my life I have had so many people come in and out of my life...nobody seems to wanna stick around. I have stuck by my friend for 2 years while she had not left the house. I would travel the 45 minutes from my apartment to her house and sit with her all day long just because she didn't want to be alone but she had anxiety so bad that she couldn't go past her driveway. Now, she is starting to leave the house not very far but she goes places. And now that she does...I have kinda been put on the back burner. I feel like I was just a nice place holder until she could start getting out then she can hang with the other people that wouldn't stick by her or who weren't there. It used to be all like oh Brittany you wanna come hang out? Now its well me and so and so are hanging out but you can come if you want...Yea I feel like I fit in real well with your skank ass friend. Thanks. And cause I have a 4 month old child that I don't want outside in the damn hot ass sun while I tan she doesn't seem to wanna hang out either. She says I stay in the house to much... well I love being in my home. I am not a fan of the outdoors especially when it comes to my 4 month old daughter sweating and crying the whole time wanting to go inside. I can't just beat my child half to death when she cries. She has every reason to cry...she is hot and wants to go inside. Out side she can get ate up with bugs and everything. I'm sorry I sound like a whiner but gosh I just needed to vent. I'm tired of having friends for a while then they find something better and out I go. I think I am a good friend. I am loyal and I love all my friends. They know they can come talk to me about anything. But, here I am might as well be friendless...The only person who shows any interest in being my friend anymore is Jessica...and she is a million miles away. I guess I'm just destined to be alone. This is ridiculous I need to shut up...I'm just so tired its 3:30 in the morning and I need to go to sleep but I am up stressing to the max about nothing obviously.

I'm just stupid.
Brittany<3

Dear Ovary...

Please stop hurting !! lol

Okay so I have a cyst on my ovary...yay me. I got one when I was pregnant but it went away and haven't heard anything from it since. Now I have one on my left ovary. It hurts. I ended up in the ER the other night for severe pain and they gave me morphine...wow I was gone. Then they sent me home saying there was nothing they could really do except give me pain pills and send me on my way. So thats just what they did. They gave me a few percocet...now when you have to take 2 of those a day just to help the pain go away 12 do not last very long at all. So now I gotta go to the doctor tomorrow to get yet again more pain pills... not that I don't love pain pills (im not a junkie lol but hey who doesnt like the feeling?) but I wish something else could be done...it hurts bad and my mom had one rupture when she was my age and she almost died. I'm scared of having the same outcome or possibly worse.
But, lets not think about it. My little angel is growing so fast. She played in her jumperoo last night for 30 minutes and I videotaped her a little. She is such a funny baby. Her face when she jumps is hilarious. Hope you guys enjoy !

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