Goodbye Michael Jackson...

He was amazing. I am sickened by reading and hearing people say that they are glad and happy that he died. That there is one less pervert and pedophile in this world. People are entitled to their opinion but mine is that Michael Jackson is a legend. He is a wonderful performer, a great singer and songwriter, and above all a loving and wonderful father. I know that Michael Jackson was accused of horrible things in his time but I feel in my heart that he is innocent of all those things. He loved children simply because children did not hurt him like adults did. I love Michael Jackson and ALL of his music and he will forever be remember by my for all the wonderful things he did and not for the horrible things he was accused of. After all the accusations and things said about you Michael...Maybe now they will finally leave you alone.

Brittany<3

It gets easier...right?

Things are looking up I suppose. I dunno what is going on with me lately. I think I am in denial about how depressed I really am. I noticed a slight change in myself but here lately I snap at EVERYONE. Mainly my husband. I try really hard to control myself but I just have so much on my mind lately that I lose it sometimes. I don't know what to do about that. I have always had somewhat of an anxiety issue and of course I have always had issues with my body ever since middle school. I have told my best friend Chloe about my anorexia and she is understanding and doesn't judge me for it. I was in denial about that as well. I kept telling myself I am just watching my weight...but truth is I go days without eating and when my mom and Brandon realize I am not eating and they basically force me to eat I lie and say I am gonna run to town to get something to eat and I just go driving around for 30 minutes and say I stopped at Chloes house and ate. I had this problem before I got pregnant and fatter but now its even worse than it was. I have never told anyone but Chloe about it and thats really only cause she noticed it and I kept making up excuses and lies about it and she would catch me in them.
I don't want anyone to think I am wanting attention so I keep to myself about things like that. And about the depression.
I finally broke down and told Brandon tonight how unhappy I was with pretty much everything lately and he held me while I cried and told me he would do anything in his power to help me to get happy again but really I don't think there is anything he can do. Is there anything anyone can do?
I need someone who understands what I am going through to just help me...ANYONE PLEASE !!

I need a vacation...

I just wanna get away. Please, don't get me wrong...I love my daughter more than life itself but sometimes it is so freaking tiring. I was so excited that my mom was gonna take her today so I could go to wal-mart and shot without having to take her in out and and all that stuff. I thought to myself "Wow, its sad when Walmart feels like a vacation.."
In other news I suppose my husband and I are okay again.Things just don't feel right anymore. I know this is personal but I mean I have no friends to talk to all this about so I am just gonna vent about it on here. I feel as if he is forcing himself to have sex with me. He never initiates sex anymore. I always have to kinda start rubbing on him and kissing on him to show him that I want to. Then once we start kissing that lasts about a minute. After that I please him for a few minutes and then we have sex for like all of 5-10 minutes. He doesn't seem interested in it at all anymore. He says its cause he has to work early so he just tries to hurry it up but he does the same thing on the weekends when he doesn't have to work early.
I feel like he doesn't love me anymore...
I love him but like I said I am starting to wonder if its enough anymore.I am unhappy plain and simple. I don't know if I am unhappy because of my marriage though. Its a number of things really. My body,my marriage, my mother in law(UGH), my mom starting this new chemo, my dad getting out...Lots of things are making me unhappy in general. I am fine when I am around people but when I am alone I lose it.
I am so lonely. Even when my husband is here I am lonely. Because he feels like he isn't here when he is. He comes home from work and eats and gets on his computer and plays poker till bedtime then he goes to bed. If I want cuddle time and kissing time I have to go to bed at the same time as him and initiate sex.
I am tired of feeling like I am having to force my husband to be intimate with me.
I don't know what to do anymore...
Brittany<3

Finding Happiness..

I guess I am still overwhelmed. My father got out of jail last night. I went to see him and it was great really. He held his very first grand-daughter and he fell in love instantly. Its hard at the same time though. I feel like he is going to go right back to the things he was doing. I don't need this stress right now but I can't help it.
On top of other things my husband and I are having problems. I was close to filing for divorce the other day. I just can't take this stuff anymore. This porn thing hurts. It hurts even more now considering the fact that it has happened 3 times before this and I have begged him and cried for him to please stop because it hurts me so much. I even put a parental block on his computer after the last argument and he swore he wouldnt even try to look at it and guess what...he somehow found a way to get past my parental block and looked at it all last week and has been for a while now. I doubt it would hurt me as much if he was looking at the act of sex itself. But, he searches for pictures of naked women. I like watching porn with him sometimes but he actually wants to look at other women instead of me. And as you can tell from my last post I am VERY upset about my body and the way I look already. I have always had body issues but now its even worse and him having to look at other women kills me.
I don't know what to do anymore. It is so hard for me to trust him now and he doesn't understand. He says "Brittany, I swore and promised you I wouldn't look at it again so you should trust me!" But,he has done this 3 times before and he went right back and did it again. How do I trust him? I want to but its hard.
I have let people run over me my whole life and I really thought he was different but I am starting to think I was wrong. I love him so much...he provides for me and my daughter, he is a semi-okay father, and he lets my mom live with us. But, I am starting to wonder if love is even enough anymore.
I guess only time will tell. The stress of a new baby, my mom starting her new chemo, my husbands problem, my father getting out, and probably about to start school...I feel as if I am losing my mind. I break down alot lately. Crying is my new thing I guess. I just need a friend I guess...but I feel like I don't even have those anymore. I don't have time for anything anymore. The only friend I have that lives here that I am close to is Chloe but she doesn't leave her house. Jessica is my best friend as well but she is all the way in louisiana.
I guess I am gonna go stare at my little girl...she makes everything better when she smiles at me.

Never Gonna Dance Again...

I am disgusted with myself. While I am happy with my wonderful daughter and my life thus far... I look at myself in pure disbelief of what I have become. I know that I got this body from being pregnant and having my baby but I can't shake the feelings of pure disgust when I look in the mirror. I have grown to truly hate everything about my body nowadays. When I am forced to look in a mirror I want to vomit. I know this sounds stupid probably but I have been a size 4 my whole life. I had this amazing body that people would kill for...I was never ashamed. Now, its all I can do to get myself dressed to go out in public...and when I am I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking "look at that fat cow!". My body is covered in these stretchmarks that will never go away...yes they will fade over time but never go away. I could cry right now as I look down at my flab of a stomach hanging over my pants.
I dunno... I guess I am just being stupid.
Kaci is crying I better get off this thing.
Brittany<3

Happy Fathers Day

Today is bittersweet. While I have an amazing husband to spend fathers day with my father is thousands of miles away in federal prison. Though, he will be out in just a few short days this is the 3rd fathers day I have spent without him. He is nowhere near perfect. Obviously, he has made ALOT of mistakes or he wouldn't be where he is today. But, I love him. I know that we have not always seen eye to eye on things and he hasn't always been there as much as he should but...I still miss him more and more with each day that goes by that he isn't here. I cannot wait for these few days to go by so that he can finally hug me. I miss his big bear hugs. And, what I really can't wait for is the look on his face when he meets his granddaughter for the first time. Though he wasn't here through my whole pregnancy he called and checked on me almost everyday. And when she was born... he was so happy and proud. When she had to have surgery and was in the hospital he would call everyday and when he found out she had to have surgery he just cried...and my father doesn't cry. It was beautiful to me that he already loved my child so much and he hasn't even laid eyes on her yet. I know he is going to make up for all the lost time and the times he wasn't there when I was a child. And he is going to be a wonderful grandpa.

Now, onto the man that I love with everything I have. He came into my life and from the moment I saw him I knew there was something special. I knew that I wanted him. The day I said "I do" with him...was the second best day of my life. The birth of our child being the first of course. Our wedding day was wonderful. He has been such an amazing husband. Throughout my whole pregnancy when I couldn't sleep he would go sleep on the couch so that I could get comfortable. I loved when he would place his hand on my belly just to feel his daughter kicking and moving around. And the day she was born he was so good to me. He would rub my back and my head and try to make me feel as good as I could at that point...and when he laid eyes on his daughter for the first time when she came out...he cried. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The nurse asked me if I wanted to be the first to hold her and I let him be the first and he was so freaking proud. He was just strutting up and down the hallways of that hospital holding her so happy. It was amazing. Now, he is a WONDERFUL father. He works 5 sometimes 6 days a week 12 hour days to provide for me and our daughter. He is just amazing and I swear I wouldn't want ANYONE else to be my husband and the father of my child. The way Kaci looks at him...takes my breath away. It's like I said in the last post about Kaci. Its like my whole life up until this point was leading me to being a wife. And not only a wife but Brandons wife.
I love him...its as simple as that.


Brittany<3

This is really happening...

I am really a mom. I guess its slowly dawning on me with everyday that goes by. I know that sounds silly but I am 20 years old. There are girls I know that are my age that are nowhere near having children and being married. But, here I am and I am so freaking happy. I can't imagine any better way to spend my time on this earth than with the love of my life and the most amazing little miracle that God blessed me with.There are times when I look at all going on and think how did I get here? Wasn’t I just in high school…wasn’t I just walking down the aisle…and now I am a mom? What happened? Then there are other times where it is the most comfortable and natural thing- as if God has made every part of my life up until now only a step in leading me to this- and as if I have always not only been intended to be a mom but to be Kaci's mom. She is my world now. And I am so blessed to be able to say I hold a true miracle in my arms everyday. She is truly a representation of God's AMAZING work and what he can do.
I don't think I can say much more than that. I have the most wonderful job in the world now...I am a mommy. And its like that quote goes...I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me mommy. And that is the Gods honest truth.